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  • LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO IT.

  • AS USUAL, THERE'S ONE BIG ORANGE STORY TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP.

  • (LAUGHTER) HE'S THE PRESUMPTIVE G.O.P.

  • NOMINEE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE HE STILL HAS TO WIN OVER.

  • FOR INSTANCE, EVERYONE IN THE G.O.P.

  • (LAUGHTER) BUT TODAY THE HEALING BEGAN.

  • TRUMP WENT DOWN TO WASHINGTON TO MEET WITH SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

  • PAUL RYAN IN A HIGH-LEVEL SUMMIT, AFTER WHICH RYAN SEEMED

  • VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • >> I THINK WE HAD A VERY ENCOURAGING MEETING.

  • I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED WITH WHAT I HEARD.

  • I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • AGAIN, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • THIS IS A FIRST, VERY ENCOURAGING MEETING.

  • AGAIN, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • I'M, I'M, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • >> STEPHEN: SOUNDS VERY ENCOURAGED.

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • (CHEERING) ONLY ONE WORD FOR IT,

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED, ENCOURAGED.

  • YOU KNOW, YOU SAY A WORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT DOESN'T MEAN

  • ANYTHING ANYMORE.

  • HAND ME THE DICTIONARY NOW.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • ENCOURAGED.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • MEANINGLESS WORD MEANING SHEER PANIC.

  • OKAY.

  • SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE SAME MOTION WITH WHAT TRUMP

  • IS GOING TO DO WITH RYAN -- HERE YOU GO!

  • HERE'S THE THING -- RYAN HAD TO MEET WITH TRUMP TO MAKE IT LOOK

  • LIKE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS NOT IN CHAOS, THAT SOMEONE IS IN

  • CONTROL, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.

  • OKAY?

  • THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT IS FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER, US NOT TO

  • SEE IT AND NOTHING HAPPENED.

  • IT WAS PURE THEATER!

  • THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ON CAPITOL HILL.

  • THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD THE MEETING ON BROADWAY, YOU KNOW, WITH

  • MUSICAL NUMBERS!

  • HEY, COOL BOY!

  • (LAUGHTER) TRUMP IS GONNA ROCK IT TONIGHT!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WATCH OUT, PAUL RYAN!

  • (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • EASY, MITCH McCONNELL!

  • (LAUGHTER) RYAN DID NOT ENDORSE TRUMP OR

  • POKE HIM WITH A STICK OR ANYTHING FUN.

  • (LAUGHTER) INSTEAD, THEY JUST RELEASED A

  • JOINT STATEMENT SAYING, THEY WERE "TOTALLY COMMITTED TO

  • WORKING TOGETHER."

  • AND WHEN DONALD TRUMP COMMITS TO SOMETHING, HE TOTALLY MEANS IT.

  • ASK ANY OF HIS WIVES!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO BOTTOM LINE, THE LAST 24

  • HOURS OF ALL POLITICAL NEWS WAS COMPLETE B.S.

  • OF COURSE, THE CREME DE LA CRAP WAS FROM MSNBC.

  • HAD A COUNTDOWN CLOCK TO THE MEETING THIS MORNING WHERE NO

  • CAMERAS WERE ALLOWED AND AFTER WHICH WE LEARNED NOTHING.

  • JIM, CAN WE PUT UP MY COUNTDOWN CLOCK OF HOW MUCH LONGER WE ALL

  • HAVE TO PRETEND THIS WAS NEWS?

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT WAS A LONG THREE SECONDS.

  • REALLY.

  • OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO DONALD TRUMP, THERE ARE SO MANY

  • OTHER THINGS THAT ARE NOT HAPPENING.

  • FOR INSTANCE, HE HASN'T PICKED A RUNNING MATE, BUT RUMORS SAY

  • HE'S CONSIDERING NEWT GINGRICH (AUDIENCE REACTS)

  • THEY'RE ALL CHANTING NEWT!

  • YES.

  • BETWEEN THEM, THEY'VE HAD SIX WIVES.

  • APPARENTLY, TRUMP IS TRYING TO WIN THE WOMAN'S VOTE BY MARRYING

  • THEM ALL.

  • IF THEY GET ELECTED BOTH THE FIRST AND SECOND LADY WILL BE

  • THE THIRD LADY.

  • (APPLAUSE) BUT THERE'S A SCANDAL LOOMING

  • FOR TRUMP.

  • SEE, SINCE THE START OF THE CAMPAIGN, TRUMP HAS BEEN

  • PROMISING TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS, BUT HE JUST ANNOUNCED

  • THAT HE MAY NOT DO THAT UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

  • SO FAR, THE ONLY GLIMPSE OF HIS TAXES HE'S GIVEN US IS THIS

  • PICTURE HE TWEETED OUT OF A HUGE STACK OF DOCUMENTS.

  • IT'S A HUGE STACK.

  • BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT STACK LOOKS A LOT LARGER NEXT TO HIS TINY,

  • TINY HANDS.

  • (APPLAUSE) PEOPLE LIKE MITT ROMNEY SAY HE'S

  • HIDING SOMETHING.

  • WE'VE GOTTEN OUR HANDS ON THE DOCUMENTS BY A PROCEDURE CALLED

  • MAKING THEM UP.

  • BRING OUT DONALD TRUMP'S TAXES, EVERYONE!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.

  • YOU KNOW THEY'RE REAL BECAUSE ONLY A REAL TAX RETURN CAN DO

  • THIS -- (LAUGHTER)

  • OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.

  • SIGNS HIS NAME TRUMP, COMMA, DONALD J.

  • UNDER RACE, HE JUST CIRCLED THE ONES HE WANTS TO DEPORT.

  • OKAY.

  • LET'S SEE...

  • SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, "A GOOD ONE.

  • TRUST ME."

  • (LAUGHTER) UNDER "EXEMPTIONS" HE'S LISTED

  • "RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS I'VE SAID AND DONE,"

  • ARE (LAUGHTER)

  • FOR INCOME HE JUST WROTE "YUUGE."

  • (LAUGHTER) AND UNDER "ADJUSTED GROSS", HE

  • WROTE: "ROSIE O'DONNELL."

  • THAT'S NOT NICE.

  • (AUDIENCE REACTS) LET'S SEE, AGAIN, HIS TAX

  • RETURN, NOT MINE.

  • (LAUGHTER) AND LET'S SEE, UNDER BIRTH DATE

  • HE WROTE "SLUMBERING IN THE EARTH'S CORE FOR CENTURIES,

  • WAITING FOR HUMANITY TO WAKE MY WRATH."

LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO IT.

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沒有新聞就是特朗普的新聞 (No News Is Trump News)

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