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>> Dave: NOW HERE IS AN
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I HEARD, AND I
JUST HEARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,
REMEMBER STAR TREK, THE SHOW
STAR TREK, THE GUY WHO PLAYED
SULU ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY,
DID YOU REALIZE THAT, HE
ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY.
SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WHAT?
(LAUGHTER)
I GOT A -- I WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.
SET YOUR FASERS ON FABULOUS.
>> Paul: AH!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: EITHER WAY.
SHORE.
THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SO I SAY SET YOUR
TASERS THAT --
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: AND IF YOU ARE GAY,
THEN SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.
UNLIKELY.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: BUT WE STARTED OUT THE
WEEK WITH AN OLD FRIEND, AND I
SAID BY GOD IF HE IS STILL IN
TOWN, AND I THINK HE IS IN TOWN
ON BUSINESS.
I SAID GET AHOLD OF HIM AND SEE
IF WE CAN'T FINISH THE WEEK THE
SAME WAY, AN OLD FRIEND OF US
HERE AT THE LATE SHOW, DO ME A
FAVOR, MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IT
IS THE GUY ON FIRE.
COME ON OUT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HE'S IN TOWN ON
BUSINESS.
>> YOU KNOW, THE REAL PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS THE SECONDHAND
SMOKE.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY.
>> THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL YOU.
>> JUST AS DANGEROUS.
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, HOW
ABOUT THIS, TED KOPPEL IS
JOINING US.
>> Paul: OH, REALLY?
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: TED, OF COURSE, WAS THE
FOUNDING FATHER AND HOST OF
NIGHT LINE FOR 25 YEARS, 25
YEARS, THAT'S REMARKABLE.
ABSOLUTELY.
AND HE'S DOING HIS FINAL NIGHT
LINE SHOW
>> Paul: HE IS A GOOD PLAYER.
>> AND THERE IS A -- WE'VE BEEN
HERE IN THE THEATRE, HOW LONG,
12 YEARS.
AND CBS HAS A GROUP OF PAGES.
AND IT'S KIDS RIGHT OUT OF
COLLEGE AND THEY COME HERE AND
WORK FOR A COUPLE YEARS AND WORK
THEIR WAY UP THROUGH THE
BROADCAST BUSINESS.
AND WE FOUND OUT A MONTH OR TWO
AGO THAT THERE IS A GUY HERE WHO
HAS BEEN A PAGE NOT FOR TWO
YEARS, YOU KNOW HOW LONG?
38 YEARS.
38 YEARS.
THAT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS
WRONG.
I THINK THAT HE IS LOST IN THE
SYSTEM.
>> I SEE.
>> Dave: HE HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND HAS TURNED
ITS BACK.
SO WE BRING HIM OUT HERE EVERY
NOW AND THEN TO SEE HOW HE IS
DOING.
9 OLDEST PAGE AT CBS, SAY HELLO
TO JOHNNY DARK.
JOHNNY, COME ON OUT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: JOHNNY DARK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
JOHNNY DARK.
JOHNNY IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE --
>> HANG ON, THE SHOW IS ALMOST
OVER.
>> OH, I SEE, YOU BOUGHT ONE OF
THOSE NEW VIDEO -- VIDEO iPODS,
MAN?
>> OH, MAN, I WOULD NAIL EVERY
ONE OF THOSE DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES.
>> Dave: SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF
AN iPOD, IS THAT THE DEAL?
>> YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I
COULD AFFORD A VIDEO iPOD ON THE
SALARY I MAKE IN THIS DUMP YOU
-- NO, I FOUND IT IN THE
AUDIENCE.
AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SO I -- I ASSUME YOU
ARE PLANNING ON RETURNING IT,
RIGHT?
>> WELL, IF I RETURN IT, YOU
MEAN PAWN IT AND GET A WHORE?
>> Dave: WELL, THAT'S JUST --
THAT'S AWFUL.
THAT'S JUST AWFUL.
>> WELL THEN, SURE.
>> Dave: I'M SORRY, JOHNNY, ARE
YOU NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN THE
THEATRE.
I'M SORRY.
>> WELL, REMIND ME TO BRING THAT
UP NEXT TIME YOU BLOW SMOKE UP A
CELEBRITY'S ASS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> OH WHAT DID HE SAY?
>> Dave: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE, JOHNNY.
WE HAD THE BIG MAYORRAL ELECTION
THIS WEEK, DID YOU VOTE?
>> VOTE!
DID YOU GET A BROW LIFT.
>> Dave: NO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> I AIN'T BEEN IN A VOTING
BOOTH SINCE '86.
LONG STORY SHORT, MY PANTS GOT
CAUGHT IN THE LEVER.
>> Dave: OH, NO.
>> NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS
ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
>> Dave: I WILL BE DARN, THAT'S
TOO BAD.
NOW BEFORE YOU GO, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE
WEEKEND?
>> PLANNED?
YEAH, I'VE GOT PLANS.
IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN
BUSINESS, I PLAN TO KICK YOUR
ASS.
>> Dave: WELL, NOW THAT'S --
>> HEY, SHAFFER.
LET'S TWIST AGAIN.
[♪♪♪]
>> GOOD NIGHT.
>> Dave: MAN, HOW ABOUT THATING
AS THE BATTLE SHAPES UP OVER
PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST SUPREME
COURT NOMINEE THE WHITE HOUSE
CONFESSES -- CONTINUES TO
CONFESS -- TO SET THEIR TA SESS,
TAS, ERS ON STUN, THE WHITE
HOUSE CONTINUES TO MAKE MISSTEPS
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT DREW CRITICISM
ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST
SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, WATCH?
>> PRESIDENT BUSH IS CONFIDENT
THAT SAMUEL ALITO EXPENSE --
EXTENSIVE JUDEICIAN EXPERIENCE
WILL MAKE HIM A MORE VIABLE
NOMINEE THAN HARRIET MIERS
HOWEVER AS THE CONTINUING
SUPPORT HARRIET MIERS -- MAYORS
CONTINUES TO GET FROM THE
PRESIDENT, HE IS ASKING JUDGE
ALITO TO DRESS AS MS. MIERS.
GEORGE W. BUSH NOT TODAY.
>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT?
VERY EXCITING TO LEARN THAT
OPRAH WINFREY'S BROADWAY MUSICAL
"THE COLOR PURPLE" RIGHT ACROSS
THE STREET, RIGHT ACROSS THE
STREET FROM US AT 53rd AND
BROADWAY, AND I WENT OVER THERE
THIS MORNING AND I THOUGHT WELL,
THIS WILL BE EXCITING.
BECAUSE OPRAH IS PRODUCING IT.
AND LIKELY SHE HAD BE THERE,
PERHAPS EVEN IN THE BOX OFFICE
SELLING TICKETS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Paul: YEAH.
>> Dave: SO I GET MY HOPES, I'M
ALL EXCITED.
I GO OVER THERE THIS MORNING AND
ONCE AGAIN, I WAS DASHED.
>> Paul: AH.
>> Dave: YEAH, WATCH.
ISN'T THAT AWFUL?
I CAN'T EVEN -- THEY DON'T WANT
ME --
>> CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: AH.
>> Dave: MAYBE I WILL JUST PAWN
IT AND GET A WHORE.
HERE WE GO.
HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE THINK
IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
TO LEARN ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS.
WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY, DON'T WE.
>> I FEEL THAT WAY.
>> Dave: EVEN THE HORN SECTION
FEELS THAT WAY.
>> YES, THEY DO.
>> Dave: WE'RE STARTING A NEW
FEATURE CALLED WEEK IN REVIEW
FOR KIDS STARRING OUR FRIEND
DELI OWNER RUPERT G.
TAKE IT AWAY, RUPERT G, WEEK IN
REVIEW FOR KIDS.
>> HI, KIDS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF
THIS WEEK'S NEWS STORIES WITH MY
LITTLE BUDDY Mr. CURRENT EVENTS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I'M MICHAEL BROWN, I WRITE
CRAZY E-MAILS.
>> VERY NICE, MR. CURRENT
EVENTS.
WHO ELSE IS IN THE NEWS.
>> I'M TERRELL OWENS.
I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
>> WOW!.
ANYONE ELSE THE KIDS AT HOME
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Mr. CURRENT
EVENTS?
>> I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, I'M
GETTING READY FOR MY TRIAL LATER
THIS WEEK.
>> O, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ARE YOU A
BAD MAN, HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF
YOU.
WELL, KIDS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME,
STAY IN SCHOOL.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN
THAT ONE OUT OF TOWN.
>> Paul: I WAS GOING TO SAY.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YOU GO IN THERE
TOMORROW, IT WILL BE IN THE CASE
IT WILL BE IN THE CASE.
>>
IN THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
TED KOPPEL IS HERE TONIGHT, AN
TREY AN STASIO, AND IT'S -- WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT, TOM BROKAW
RETIRED, DAN RATHER DETIRED,
PETER JENNINGS PASSED AWAY, TED
KOPPEL IS RETIRING.
ALL OF THE GREATS, THE IT WILL
BE TOUGH TO FILL.
>> Paul: CHANGING OF THE GUARD
TOO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOSTING OR
BEING PART OF A SHOW FOR 25
YEARS?
>> HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN GOING?
>> I DON'T KNOW T SEEMS LIKE AT
LEAST TWICE THAT LONG.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST TONIGHT.
LET ME -- LET ME SET MY TASERO
ON SOMETHING.
PARDON ME MAN, DOW MIND IF I SET
MY TEAR --
CONTAINER IT WILL FLOAT.
>> Paul: ONE CONTAINER, I SEE, A
BIG HUGE BOTTLE OF IT.
>> Dave: D LIKE RANCH
DRESSING.
>> LOVE IT.
>> Dave: HOW ABOUT YOU, PAUL.
>> Paul: HATE IT.
>> Dave: YEAH?
>> NEVER WOULD TOUCH IT.
>> Dave: I HAVE NEVER BEEN FOND
OF IT EITHER.
>> Paul: IT IS A MIGRAINE
TIGGER.
>> Dave: PAUL, -- TRIGGER, PAUL,
YOU KNOW -- GOD KNOWS I HAVE
GREAT SYMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR
MIGRAINES, AND I KNOW YOU HAVE
BEEN FIGHTING A BATTLE VALIANTLY
FOR YEARS NOW, AND PRETTY MUCH
THEY ARE UNDER CONTROL.
BUT IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE EVERY
TIME WE PLAY WILL IT FLOAT,
WHATEVER WE ARE FLOATING IS A
MIGRAINE TRIGGER.
>> Paul: WELL, BECAUSE IT COMES
INTO PLAY WHEN ARE YOU TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT WHETHER IT -- AH!
NO, JUST KIDDING.
I THINK IT WILL FLOAT.
>> Dave: I THINK IT WILL FLOAT
ALSO.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.
>> DAVE, WE'RE PLAYING FOR
$500,000 WORTH OF GOLD!
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
BRING IT UP AND PLAY WILL IT
FLOAT, EVERYBODY.
HI, GIRLS.
HOW ARE YOU?
ANY TIME ARE YOU READY GO AHEAD
AND DROP IT IN THERE.
LOOK AT THAT!
WE'LL SEE YOU LATER AT THE BIG
WILL IT FLOAT PARTY ♪ WILL IT TS
GONE AND BOB SHEAF ERT DOES A
TREMENDOUS JOB NOW, BUT SOME
KIND OF TEAM --
>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LES
MOONVES.
>> Dave: YEAH.
>> ACTUALLY F WE COULD JUST --
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY MENTIONING
MY KID TWIN BROTHER WHOM YOU PUT
ON THE AIR, I THINK FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
>> Dave: KENNY.
>> KENNY.
>> Dave: YES.
>> HE HASN'T BEEN ON THE AIR
MUCH LATELY S THERE ANYWAY THAT
WE COULD SEE KENNY.
>> Dave: TED'S TWIN BROTHER BUT
YOUNGER TWIN BROTHER.
>> YOUNGER TWIN, HIS YOUNGER
TWIN BROTHER.
GOOD EVENING THIS IS NIGHTLINE.
>> Dave: KENNY.
KENNY KOPPEL.
>> KENNY HAS HAD A LOT OF BOTOX
AND PLASTIC OVER THE LAST FEW
YEARS.
>> HE LOOKS TREMENDOUS.
>> HE LOOK AS MAZING.
I THINK IT'S THE MUSS THARB THAT
DID IT.
KENNY IS ACTUALLY -- KENNY
THOUGHT THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE
ABLE TO TAKE OVERNIGHTLINE WHEN
I LEFT.
SO HE'S SORT OF BITTER.
>> Dave: OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR
THAT.
>> AND RESENTFUL.
BUT THE REASON I MENTION IT IS
HE HAS GONE INTO CONSULTING.
AND YOU KNOW THAT LINE THAT LES
MOONVES HAD ABOUT, YOU KNOW, NOT
WANTING TO HAVE ANCHORS FROM THE
HERE ON END HAVE THAT SORT OF
VOICE OF GOD, THAT'S KENNY.
>> Dave: THAT WAS KENNY'S IDEA.
>> AND THE OTHER THING, WHO WILL
EVER FORGET THAT HE MENTIONED HE
WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING YOUNG
LADIES AS ANCHOR WOMEN
UNDRESSING AS THEY DELIVER THE
NEWS.
>> Dave: WELL, NOW YOU CAN'T
DISAGREE WITH THAT.
>> CLASSIC KENNY.
>> Dave: THAT WAS KENNY ALSO.
>> THAT WAS KENNY AGAIN.
>> Dave: BUT NOW OF COURSE HE'S
JUST THINKING, TO CONSIDER ANY
IDEA FOR A NEW FORMAT NOR NEWS
BUT LIKELY NONE OF THOSE WILL
REALLY STICK AM BUT DOES IT MAKE
YOU NERVOUS A LITTLE AS YOU LOOK
DOWN THE ROAD?
>> WELL, ONLY THAT THEY ARE NOT
GOING TO PUT YOU OR JON STEWART
IN THAT ROLE BECAUSE THEY THINK