Everlasting, and this is your place to understand your man and to get the love that you deserve.

Today I want to talk to you about a silent killer in relationships. This thing can derail

a relationship faster than we can put a Big Mac together or… something. It can derail

relationships. And what I’m talking about is unmet expectations. This is what I call

quality girl versus cool girl. Oftentimes, in relationships, when we don’t communicate

something that upsets us, when we don’t say what it is that we really would love to

have and we have an expectation that isn’t met and we let that fester and we left that

build, it can erupt into an explosion that takes the other person by surprise. It can

blindside your man and it can lead your relationship down a very negative, dark path. So let me

share with you a quick story about a coaching client and how she experienced the quality

girl versus the cool girl, okay? She had started dating this guy, chemistry

was off the charts, compatibility was there. So they start hanging out and on Saturday,

they’re out at the farmer’s market and they’re enjoying their time and conversation

is flowing and they’re bantering and they’re teasing each other and having fun. All of

a sudden, he gets a call from his ex-wife and the ex-wife says, “Hey, I need you to

come pick up your son. I’m at a business meeting. I can’t pick him up. Something’s

happened. We need our son to be picked up.” So he’s got to end the date early.

Now, my client – the one he was on the date with – wants to be the cool girl. Why? Because

nobody wants to be not the cool person, right? Nobody wants to be the person who’s high

maintenance, who’s whiny, who’s complaining, who’s a downer. Nobody wants to be that

person in the relationship, so we’re all striving to be, “Look I want to be ‘go

with the flow,’ I want to be relaxed, I want to be cool.” So she says, “No problem.

That’s cool I totally get it. I totally understand. It’s your son. You’ve got

to go pick him up,” and everything was totally cool with her. But he says, “I’ll call

you tomorrow. We’ll hang out tomorrow.” They’re hanging out on Sunday. They’re

hanging out at the park overlooking the ocean having wine, having cheese, you know, hanging,

talking, having a great time, but they just get into it when he gets a call from the person

in San Diego who’s watching his dog who gets called away to an emergency that they’re

having. He said, “Look, you’ve got to come get your dog because I’m having this

emergency and I can’t take care of your dog.” So he hangs up the phone and says,

“You’re not going to believe this, but I have to go to San Diego right now. That’s

a two hour drive. I have to go pick up my dog. So I’m sorry to end the picnic short

but, you know, I really hope you’ll understand and I want to hang out with you soon. I’ll

call you Monday. Let’s hang out.” So she was like, “No problem. Cool. Why? I’m

the cool girl, right?” Now, she was a little bit disappointed that she had spent her entire

Sunday, had in her mind an expectation she’s going to be hanging out with this guy, but

she understands his dogs are important to him and so he’s got to go get the dog.

So, on Monday, they talk on the phone, they have an amazing two hour long conversation,

all week long they’re texting, and he says, “Hey, maybe we can hang out during the week.”

But then he texts her back and says, “Sorry, work is super busy. I’m working on this

project this week.” So it gets all the way down to the next Saturday and she’s so excited

to hang out with this guy. She likes this guy a ton. They’re hanging out the next

Saturday. Halfway into hanging out, he gets a call from his basketball coach (he coaches

eighth grade basketball). His assistant coach was supposed to coach the game that Saturday,

calls him, he’s super sick, says, “I can’t make it to the game. Will you please coach

the team because I’m not going to be able to make it?” He’s the head coach. He’s

super dedicated, so he turns to my client and says, “Look, I’m super sorry. I can’t

believe this, but I have to go coach my basketball team. My assistant coach is sick and can’t

make it.” Her, being the cool girl, says, “Okay, no problem. That’s fine. I’ve

got other people I can hang out with.” He goes, coaches the team, and calls her later

that night. The next day, she’s thinking about it: “So

let me get this straight. I am behind his son, which I can understand that, but I’m

behind his dog and I’m after his eighth grade basketball team?” So she starts stacking

all this stuff and seeing her place in the relationship is down here. And so she explodes.

All of the unmet expectations, all of the disappointment that she had been building

up from each independent – take and one of those situations independently, by themselves,

it is no big deal. She totally understand because she’s reasonable, right? She can

totally understand the son is important, the dog is important, the basketball game is important,

but the problem was, after all of that built up, she exploded and sent him this email that

was like, “Look, you don’t have time for a relationship in your life. I come after

your kid, which I understand, but I come after your dog and your eighth grade basketball

team and, you know, I really want a man who will put me first in his life,” and goes

on this massive rant and sends him the email. He emails back completely blindsided. How

does a man take that kind of response? He never saw it coming. This is the challenge

with quality girl versus cool girl. When you’re the cool girl, you stuff the emotions. When

you’re the cool girl, you go along with things you don’t normally go along with

because you want to be the cool girl. You suppress your opinion, you suppress how it

is you really feel. That’s not how high-value women, quality women respond. He gets completely

blindsided and emails her back saying, “Wow. I’m super disappointed. I really liked you.

I thought we were building something. I can’t believe you’re letting a two week snapshot

of my life really determine your entire opinion of me. I thought we had an amazing connection,

but if you want it to be over, I guess it’s over.” And she wrote back and she was like,

“Yes, this really isn’t what I want,” and boom. It sabotaged the whole relationship.

So afterwards we were talking about what could she have done differently? How could she have

responded in a way that was cool, was “go with the flow,” wasn’t complain-y or needy

or clingy or any of that, but also communicated what it is that she wants? And this is where

we come to quality girl. A quality girl understands what’s happening in someone else’s life,

but they also express how they’re feeling and they express their disappointment. There’s

no problem in saying, “Hey, you need to go get your dog because he’s down in San

Diego. I totally get it, I totally understand and man, I’m disappointed. I really wanted

to hang out with you today, I really wanted to spend time together.” Really expressing

the disappointment because one of the most powerful four-letter words you have to activate

attraction in any man is w-a-n-t. When you tell him what you want, you set up

a challenge for him to achieve. When we achieve a goal or when we achieve a challenge, it

automatically triggers our dopamine, which raises our attraction levels for you. When

you tell us your want, you are literally giving us the blueprint for your happiness. So when

you say, “Gosh, I’m really disappointed,” he naturally wants to earn your approval.

He wants to please you. He wants to make this up to you, so his natural response to that

is going to be, “Well, what can I do to make it up to you? Let me prove this. Let

me earn your approval. Let me earn your favor,” right? We love to earn our time with you,

our level of intimacy with you, our level of where you position us in your life. We

love to earn that. When we feel like it’s well-earned and that it’s something that

other men haven’t earned, that puts us in a special, elite category and we feel more

like a man in your presence. And let me tell you this: When a man feels

like a man in your presence, he will place you above every other woman in his life. A

high-value woman does something call the sweaty, five minute conversation. That’s where she

has a conversation with her man in a very open, honest, non-threatening way that communicates

exactly what it is that she wants in a relationship. So my encouragement to you is avoid just being

the cool girl. Don’t stuff your emotions, don’t suppress your opinions, but be the

quality woman, the woman who communicates what it is that she wants, the woman who communicates

how she feels in a non-threatening, non-judgmental, non-opinionated way, but in a way that actually

lets him earn your favor, lets him earn his position with you and strives to be a better

man because he’s around you, and that will go a long way. So thanks for watching. Make

sure you subscribe if you’re not subscribed to this channel and as always, I posted a

link in the description to a resource that will help you take this information deeper,

integrate it in your life, and really help you create the relationship that you love.