MY NAME IS JON STEWART! GOOD SHOW!

MY GUEST TONIGHT, AUTHOR JENNY NORDBERG, SHE IS THE AUTHOR OF A

BOOK CALLED "THE UNDERGROUND GIRLS OF KABUL."

SHE WILL BE JOINING US A LITTLE BIT LATER.

BUT FIRST, NEW YORK CITY HOSTED THE BIGGEST CLIMATE CHANGE MARCH

IN HISTORY YESTERDAY FEATURING THE BIGGEST HAT

AND THE BIGGEST SIGN AND THE BIGGEST KINDEST

PUPPET LIBRARIAN AND THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS

TO GET ACROSS THE STREET JUST TO GET TO CHIPOTLE.

>> THERE WERE BOLD FACED NAMES.

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE, MAYOR BILL DeBLASIO, AND U.N.

SECRETARY GENERAL BAN KI-MOON.

>> Jon: WHOA! WHOA!

STOP THE PARADE!

BAN KI-MOON?

THE BIGGEST CLIMATE CHANGE IN HISTORY.

WHAT DID YOU COME STRAIGHT FROM YOUR AUDITION FROM

"YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN"?

LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE WEARING YOUR CAMP CLOTHES?

YOU'RE BAN KI-MOON! YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THE U.N.

BY THE WAY, WHAT A GET FOR

U.N. RADIO.

U.N. RADIO GETTING BAN KI-MOON.

NO, NO, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.

OH! HELLO.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, POLITICIAN WEREN'T

THE ONLY BIG SHOTS ON HAND. THERE WERE A-LIST MOVIE

STARS LIKE MARK RUFFALO AND EDWARD NORTON, BOTH

HAVE BECOME ACUTELY AWARE OF ENVIRONMENTAL DANGERS SINCE

THEIR ENCOUNTERS WITH GAMMA RADIATION. THEY REALLY HAD...

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WITH THAT SIZE IN STAR POWER, YOU KNOW CABLE NEWS GAVE

IT EVERYTHING THEY HAVE.

>> ALISON KOSIK IS IN NEW YORK. DESCRIBE THE SCENE FOR US

EARLIER. >> EARLIER?

IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING AS WE SPEAK.

(LAUGHTER) >> Jon: PERHAPS IT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW.

PERHAPS YOU CAN TELL BY THE FACT THAT NOBODY CAN SEE ME IN MY OWN

NEWS REPORT.

COME ON, CNN!

THIS IS CROWD FOOTAGE 101!

YOU PUT THE REPORTER IN FRONT OF THE CROWD!

MSNBC, SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.

>> LET'S HEAD THERE NOW. WE HAVE NED RESNIKOFF WHO'S STAND BY --

>> Jon: [BLEEP]! OH, JESUS!

NOT THAT FAR!

COME ON!

(LAUGHTER) KILL THE FEED!

GOT A GIANT METEOR APPROACHING THE PARADE!

AHHH! (LAUGHTER)

WITH YESTERDAY'S SOUP IN HIS STASH!

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU MAY BE THINKING, DO WE REALLY NEED A

MARCH TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE?

I MEAN, IT'S AN ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC PHENOMENON PRETTY

MUCH EVERYWHERE.

HERE'S WHY YOU NEED THE MARCH.

IT'S ACCEPTED PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE BUT THIS ONE PLACE

CALLED THE UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON

SCIENCE, SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY.

THIS IS TRUE.

LAST WEEK THEY HELD A HEARING THAT THEY APPARENTLY RECORDED IN

1971 -- (LAUGHTER)

I GUESS THAT'S THE TECHNOLOGY PART OF THE COMMITTEE NAME -- ON

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PLAN TO SHRINK CARBON EMISSIONS 30% BY 2030.

THE HEARINGS' SISYPHUS, PRESIDENTIAL SCIENCE ADVISOR

JOHN HOLDREN, CHARGED WITH THE IMPOSSIBLE TASK OF

PUSHING 1 MILLION POUNDS OF IDIOT UP A MOUNTAIN.

OF COURSE, LIKE ANY AVALANCHE, IT DID BEGAN RATHER INNOCUOUSLY.

TEXAS REPUBLICAN STEVE STOCKMAN.

>> THE LEAD SCIENTIST AT NASA SAID THIS, HE SAID WHAT ENDED

THE ICE AGE WAS GLOBAL WOBBLING.

IS THE WOBBLING OF THE EARTH INCLUDED IN ANY OF YOUR

MODELINGS?

AND THE ANSWER WAS NO.

WHEN YOU HAVE A MODEL AND YOU SAY WE'LL LEAVE OUT THE MOST

IMPORTANT IMPACT OF THAT MODEL OUT OF OUR THEORY AND NOT TALK

ABOUT GLOBAL WOBBLING, HOW CAN YOU MAKE PROJECTIONS?

(LAUGHTER) >> Jon: WHAT'S UP, SCIENTISTS?

GLOBAL WOBBLING, BITCHES!

(LAUGHTER) HE SEES YOUR SO-CALLED GLOBAL

WARMING AND RAISES YOU A GLOBAL WOBBLING.

EXPLAIN THAT DR. WHITE HOUSE.

>> GLOBAL WOBBLING WHICH REFERS TO CHANGES IN THE EARTH'S

TILT AND ORBIT TAKES PLACE ON CHARACTERISTIC TIME SCALES OF

22,000 YEARS, 44,000 YEARS AND 100,000 YEARS. IT IS VERY SLOW.

GLOBAL WOBBLES IS A TINY EFFECT OF THE TIME SCALE OF 100 YEARS

IN WHICH WE TRY TO RUN THESE MODELS.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T KNOW WE WOULD BE TALKING TO AN ACTUAL

SCIENTIST...

(WHISPERING) ALL RIGHT, HOLDREN, YOU ACED

THE WOBBLE WARMING.

RIDDLE ME THIS:

>> AT WHAT POINT A LEVEL OF CO2 DOES CO2 BECOME DAMAGING?

AT WHAT LEVEL DOES IT BECOME HARMFUL TO HUMAN BEINGS?

>> Jon: BOOM! HOW CAN CO2 BE DANGEROUS WHEN I CAN STILL

BREATHE?

>> VICE CHAIRMAN ROHRABACHER, I ALWAYS ENJOY MY INTERACTIONS

WITH YOU.

>> Jon: MUCH THE WAY ONE ENJOYS PLAYING PEEK A BOO WITH A

BABY. (LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: OR PERHAPS TEASING A CAT WITH A LASER POINTER!

(LAUGHTER) >> I HAVE TO SAY WITH RESPECT

THAT'S A RED HERRING.

WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN CARBON DIOXIDE CONCENTRATIONS BECAUSE

OF THEIR DIRECT EFFECT ON HUMAN HEALTH, WE'RE INTERESTED IN THEM

BECAUSE OF THEIR EFFECT ON THE WORLD'S CLIMATE AND CLIMATE

CHANGE HAS DISASTEROUS EFFECTS ON HEALTH.

>> Jon: WHY CAN WE STILL BREATHE?

THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING! I MEAN, YOU CAN HEAR ME RIGHT?

I'M BREATHING!

AND IT GOT MORE AMAZING AS IT WENT.

INDIANA'S LARRY BUSCHON.

>> IT'S NOT ABOUT AFFECTING THE GLOBAL TEMPERATURE AND CLIMATE

CHANGE.

>> THERE IS PUBLIC COMMENTS OUT THERE THAT QUESTION HAS BEEN

ASKED AND ANSWERED SAYING NO.

>> YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE SCIENTIFIC LITERATURE RATHER

THAN THE PUBLIC COMMENTS.

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, REPRESENTATIVE

BUSCHON, I SUGGEST YOU GET THE JOURNAL OF APPLIED

METEOROLOGY AND CLIMATOLOGY AS

OPPOSED TO THE YOU TUBE COMMENT FEED OF OBUMMERLIES1776.

BUT HERE'S WHERE BUSCHON FINALLY GIVES AWAY THE GAME.

>> OF ALL THE CLIMATOLOGISTS WHOSE CAREER DEPENDS ON THE

CLIMATE CHANGING TO KEEP THEMSELVES PUBLISHING ARTICLES,

YES, I COULD READ THAT BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE IT.

>> Jon: I DO NOT BELIEVE THE SCIENTISTS BECAUSE IT IS THEIR

PROFESSION NOT THEIR HOBBY. (LAUGHTER)

WELL SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE INFLUENCE MONEY MIGHT HAVE

ON CLIMATE CHANGE OPINION, IT TURNS OUT REPRESENTATIVE

BUSCHON'S THREE BIGGEST CAMPAIGN DONORS ARE MURRAY ENERGY,

KOCH ENTERPRISES, AND PEABODY ENERGY. AND TRUST ME.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) TRUST ME, THOSE THREE WELL

FUNDED COMPANIES WOULD LOVE TO DISPROVE CLIMATE CHANGE.

TO THE SATISFACTION OF THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AT

LARGE. SO IF SCIENTISTS COULD BE BOUGHT THESE MOTHER [BLEEP]

WOULD HAVE ALREADY MADE IT RAIN IN NERD TOWN. TRUST ME.

AND AGAIN, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

THIS IS THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON

SCIENCE, SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY.

>> HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THE SEA LEVEL TO RISE TWO FEET?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, IF YOUR ICE CUBE MELTS IN YOUR GLASS, IT

DOESN'T OVERFLOW, IT'S DISPLACEMENT. I MEAN,

THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT

MATHEMATICALLY AND SCIENTIFICALLY DON'T MAKE SENSE.

>> Jon: ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING ME?

ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING ME?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT!

HOW FAR BACK TO THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CORE CURRICULUM DO WE

HAVE TO GO TO GET SOMEONE ON THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON SCIENCE,

SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY CAUGHT UP?

DO WE HAVE TO BRING OUT THE PAPIER MACHE AND BAKING SODA SO

YOU CAN MAKE A (BLEEP) VOLCANO? IS THAT WHAT WE HAVE TO DO?

IS THAT HOW BASIC THE SCIENCE CLASS WAS WHEN YOU WENT?

NAH, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS ANYMORE. FOR GOD'S SAKES!

LOOK, HERE -- HERE, LOOK.

HERE'S A GLASS OF ICE WATER.

HEY, THAT ICE ISN'T MAKING THE WATER OVERFLOW BECAUSE IT'S

ALREADY IN THE WATER!

BUT IMAGINE THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER ICE THAT'S NOT IN

THE WATER, IT'S ON THE LAND -- YOU KNOW, THE PART WHERE THE

WATER ISN'T!

AND THEN WHEN TEMPERATURES RISE AND THE LAND ICE MELTS ENOUGH,

TO FALL IN, OH, (BLEEP)!

IT'S EVERYWHERE!

IT'S EVERYWHERE!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WAIT A MINUTE.

GLOBAL WARMING, GIANT TOWELS.

(LAUGHTER) ULTIMATELY, THE WHOLE INCREDIBLE

AND BY ALL AAPPEARANCES WILLFUL MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW

THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD HAS BEEN APPLIED TO CLIMATE CHANGE MODELS

AND WHAT THE EFFECTS OF WARMING CAN BE, PARDON THE

PUN, BOILED DOWN TO THIS EXCHANGE.

>> THAT SCARE TACTICS LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, IS REALLY APPALLING TO

ME TO USE MEDICAL INFORMATION TO SCARE PARENTS THAT THEIR

CHILDREN ABOUT ASTHMA ATTACKS AND SCARE PEOPLE SAYING THAT

THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE HEART ATTACKS.

I ARGUE THAT WE SHOULD ALL ON BOTH SIDES OF THIS DISCUSSION

AVOID SCARE TACTICS.

>> Jon: FIRST OF ALL, THERE AREN'T BOTH SIDES TO THE

DISCUSSION. WHAT HE'S BASICALLY SAYING IS

IT'S UNFAIR TO TALK TO US ABOUT THE SCIENTIFIC

AND MEDICAL CONSEQUENCES OF OUR ACTIONS BECAUSE THEY'RE SCARY

AND WE REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT ANYWAY

SO FROM NOW ON WHY NOT AGREE THAT SCIENCE AND THE OIL

INDUSTRY BOTH HAVE OPINIONS.

OH, AND BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR KIDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER

THEY TAKE A (BLEEP) SO THEY DON'T SPREAD DISEASE, MAYBE WE

SHOULD SPEND AN EQUAL AMOUNT OF TIME HEARING FROM BIG FECAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.