ABOUT SOME STORIES ABOUT COMPUTERS PHONES AND TECH STUFF

LIKE THAT.

HERE'S THE THING.

I THOUGHT WHEN I DECIDED TO DO THIS WE HAD A REGULAR TECH

SEGMENT ON THE SHOW THAT HAD GRAPHICS AND EVERYTHING, CALLED

"TECH TALK," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

AND THIS IS TRUE.

WE DON'T.

AND THE FIRST TIME WE DID ONE OF THESE SEGMENTS, BACK IN OCTOBER,

I THOUGHT WE HAD ALL THOSE GRAPHICS THEN, TOO, AND WE

DIDN'T, AND I FORGOT TO ASK ANYONE TO MAKE ANY.

SO AT THE LAST MINUTE BACK THEN, WE JUST DECIDED TO CALL THE

SEGMENT DIGITAL-DOO AND I PLAYED A DIGERIDOO.

THAT HAD ELECTRONIC BUTTONS ON IT OR SOMETHING.

AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS BECAUSE "DIGERI" SOUNDS A LITTLE

LIKE "DIGITAL," AND ALSO BECAUSE I HAVE A DIGERIDOO IN MY

OFFICE, WHICH I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHY.

SO, AGAIN, TODAY, BECAUSE I WAS MISTAKEN ABOUT WHAT GRAPHICS WE

HAD READY, THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S DIGITAL-DOO.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT'S AN INSTRUMENT OF ENORMOUS SUBTLETIY.

NOW, I'M REALLY EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT THIS STORY I'M ABOUT TO

TALK ABOUT, AND I'M SO EXCITED I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE WORDS TO

EXPRESS MY EXCITEMENT.

LUCKILY, IT'S 2016, AND MOST WORDS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY

EMOJIS.

AND I USE EMOJIS SOMETIMES.

USUALLY WHEN I COMMUNICATE WITH MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER.

I GENERALLY DON'T USE EMOJIS AT OTHER TIMES.

I ENJOY THEM, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THEM.

BUT TONIGHT I REALLY WANT TO USE THEM BECAUSE I'M FEELING VERY

HAPPY FACE.

PARTY POPPER.

PARTY POPPER.

DOLPHIN.

ONE REASON I'M FEELING SO VERY DOLPHIN TONIGHT IS THAT THERE'S

SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.

YEAH, THAT UNICODE CONSORTIUM, WHICH I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU

PEOPLE IS THE NONPROFIT RESPONSIBLE FOR APPROVING ANY

NEW EMOJIS.

AND YOU KNOW ANY NEW EMOJIS ARE GOING TO BE GOOD.

THESE ARE THE SAME GUYS WHO CAME UP WITH FIVE DIFFERENT

KINDS OF BOATS, PROBABLY FOR ALL THOSE SAILORS OUT THERE WHO

ARE GETTING GREAT WIFI.

AND THEY HAVE JUST APPROVED A REVOLUTIONARY NEW EMOJI WITH

ONE RAISED EYEBROW, WHICH, NO LESS THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNICODE CONSORTIUM, IS CALLING "THE COLBERT EMOJI."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT IS AN UNCANNY

RESEMBLANCE.

THAT'S ME WHEN I HAVE JAUNDICE.

NOW, THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM SAYS THE COLBERT EMOJI CONVEYS

"SKEPTICISM, ACCOMPANIED BY THE CONCEPTS OF DISAPPROVAL AND MILD

SURPRISE."

OH, REALLY?

I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.

I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT SURPRISE-- BRING THEM

BACK.

BRING THEM BACK.

BRING THEM BACK.

I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT SURPRISE-TO-EYEBROWS

RATIO.

This is MILD SURPRISE: ONE EYEBROW.

FULL SURPRISE: TWO EYEBROWS.

MILD, FULL, MILD, FULL.

OTHER MILD FULL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TO BRING THIS NEW EMOJI TO

MARKET IS NO SMALL FEAT.

THE INVENTOR OF THIS EMOJI HAD TO FILL OUT A 53-QUESTION FORM

AND SUBMIT A 2,700-WORD PROPOSAL, WHICH WAS THEN DEBATED

BY THE UNICODE TECHNICAL EMOJI SUBCOMMITTEE BEFORE MOVING

ON TO THE OFFICIAL CANDIDATE FOR INCLUSION IN THE UNICODE

STANDARD.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS A SIMPLER ANSWER STARING US IN THE TINY

YELLOW FACE.

JUST PRESENT YOUR EMOJI AND LET THE COMMITTEE VOTE THUMBS UP OR

POOP.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND HERE'S THE-- THAT'S STILL KIND OF POSITIVE.

AND HERE'S THE THING.

IT'S SUCH A BYZANTINE PROCESS, WE MIGHT NOT SEE MY EMOJI, OR

ME-MOJI, UNTIL 2017, WHICH IS FINE.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE.

I'M SURE WE WON'T NEED AN EMOJI THAT MEANS SKEPTICISM AND

DISSAPOINTMENT DURING THIS ELECTION YEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

ANYWAY, IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.

MY OWN EMOJI.

YOU CAN'T BUY THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY.

AND FOR ONCE, I DIDN'T.

BUT, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THIS IS NOT THE ONLY EXPRESSION I CAN

MAKE.

I'M NOT SOME ONE-FACE PONY.

THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM IS WELCOME TO CREATE AN EMOJI BASED

ON THIS FACE, OR THIS FACE, WHICH I CALL TRYING TO BE POLITE

BUT WORRIED THAT THE ELDERLY RELATIVE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS

GOING TO SAY SOMETHING RACIST.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

OKAY, AUNT RITA, YOU ADMIRE ASIANS, BUT WHAT?

HERE'S ONE I CALL "ELF EXPOSING HIMSELF IN THE PARK."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THIS WILL MAKE A GOOD EME-MOJI.

THIS IS "GIVING UP YOUR SUBWAY SEAT FOR A PREGNANT LADY AND

MAKING SURE EVERYONE SAW."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND FINALLY, THIS IS PRETENDING TO BE SURPRISED

WATCHING "GAME OF THRONES" WITH YOUR SPOUSE WHEN YOU SECRETLY

WATCHED IT ALONE LAST WEEK.

"WHAAAAAT...?

THEY KILLED WHO!

NO WAY."

AS SOON AS THESE NEW EMOJIS HIT THE MARKET, I'M SURE I WILL MAKE

A TON OF MONEY.

OH, WAIT, NO.

YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR EMOJIS.

WELL, I'VE GOT JUST THE EMOJI FOR THAT.