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  • The decision whether one should stay or leave

    要做一個是否要離開還是留下的決定

  • is one of the most consequential and painful any of us ever has to make.

    對我們而言是一個非常重要且痛苦的

  • On any given day, many millions of people worldwide will be secretly turning the issue over in their minds as they go about their daily lives.

    在任何一天,世界上都有幾百萬人,在他們過一整天的生活的同時,就祕密地讓這個議題盤旋在他們的心中

  • Their partners beside them, possibly having little clue as to the momentous decision weighing upon them.

    在他們身邊的伴侶,也許感受不到有重要的決定慢慢且沉重地壓了下來

  • The choice is perhaps more common now than it ever was

    這個選擇或許比起往常更加地平常

  • We expect to be deeply happy in love, and, therefore, spend a good deal of time

    我們期待在愛情中有深沉的喜悅,因此,花費了很多的時間

  • wondering whether our relationships are essentially normal in their sexual and psychological frustrations

    想知道我們的關係是否是正常的,當遇到性和心靈上的挫折時

  • or are beset by unusually pathological patterns which will impel us to get out as soon as we can.

    或是苦惱於時常性的病態形式上,這將會驅使我們儘早離開

  • What films or novels we've been exposed to, the state of our friends' relationships,

    我們接觸過什麼樣的電影和小說、我們朋友的感情生活、

  • the degree of noise surrounding new sexually-driven dating apps, not to mention how much sleep we've had

    被性驅使的新約會程式得到的關注等等... 更不用說我們得到的睡眠

  • can all play humblingly large roles in influencing us one way or another.

    這些都可以以各種形式對我們有著重大的影響

  • Awkwardly, it seems that no one else actually really minds what we end up doing

    很尷尬的是,似乎沒有人真實地在乎我們最後選擇做什麼

  • which gives the decision a degree of existential loneliness it might not always have possessed

    這讓這個決定有了之前沒有過的存在性孤單感

  • Historically, the choice was, in a sense, a good deal easier

    在過去,這個選擇是,就某種意義上來說,較為容易

  • because there were simply so many stern external sanctions around not leaving:

    因為那時候有很多嚴格的、來自外界的約束力讓你不要離開

  • religions would insist that God blessed unions

    宗教會堅持上帝祝福兩人的結合

  • and would be furious that they're being torn asunder,

    也會為他們被拆散感到生氣

  • society strongly disapproved of breakups

    社會強烈地不贊成分手

  • and cast separating parties into decades of ignominy and shame,

    也會投予分開的情侶不體面和羞恥的眼光

  • and psychologists would explain that children would be deeply and permanently scarred

    心理學家也解釋,孩童會深深地並永遠地對於

  • by any termination in their parents' relationship

    父母親的感情走到盡頭而受傷

  • But, one by one, these objections to quitting have fallen away;

    但是,一個接著一個的,這些反對分開的理由都消失了

  • religions no longer terrify us into staying

    宗教不再恐嚇我們留下

  • society doesn't care,

    社會不再在乎

  • and psychologists now routinely tell us that children

    而心理學家現在告訴我們,孩童

  • would prefer a broken family to an unhappy one

    相較於不開心的家庭,會比較偏向於選擇一個破裂的家庭

  • The burden of choice therefore falls squarely on us.

    選擇的責任因此也直接落在我們的身上

  • The only thing determining whether to stay or leave is how we feel

    唯一能左右我們去留的便是我們自己的情感了

  • which can be pretty hard matter indeed to work out for ourselves,

    而這連我們自己都很難搞清楚了

  • our feelings having a dispirited habit of shifting and evading any efforts of rational qualification.

    我們的情感令人無奈地變幻莫測,而且總是不受我們的理智所控制。

  • In the circumstances, it might help to have a set of questions, devil's advocate in nature, to fall back upon -

    在這個情形下,提出一些問題、心中存有站在反方的意見或許有幫助

  • a kind of checklist to dialogue within one's mind

    一種在心中進行著的清單式思緒對話

  • in the silent hours of the morning, from the chill vantage point of the spare room couch.

    閒著的你在早晨的安靜時光裡躺在多餘那間房間的沙發上

  • How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner,

    我們有多少的不開心是因為這個伴侶而出現的

  • and how much might it, as we would risk discovering five years and multiple upheavals later,

    有多少的可能是,當我們經歷了五年的時間和好幾次爭吵後

  • turn out to be simply an inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human?

    發現我們的不快樂源於我們根本沒辦法如此近距離地和另一個人相處?

  • Though it is, of course, always essentially their fault,

    雖然當然的,大多都是他們的錯

  • what tiny proportion of the difficulties might we, nevertheless, be contributing to the discord?

    不過,有多微小的部分可能會是我們自己所促成的不合

  • In what modest way might we be a little hard to be around?

    我們是不是也有點難相處?

  • Consider the annoying traits in all previous partners we've had

    想想我們過去所有伴侶令人抓狂的特點

  • and people we've known that our current partners happen not to have

    和我們認識的人裡擁有伴侶所沒有的一些令人抓狂的特點

  • what do we manage not to fight about?

    有哪些事情是我們沒有在吵的?

  • Start to probe at any new infatuations or crushes, largely by getting to know them better

    開始探索任何新的迷戀,透過更加認識他們的方式

  • Observe closely how many sexually available and intelligent people

    仔細地觀察週遭優秀的人以及樂於與他人發生關係的人

  • the single types around us, especially those hooked up to those new dating apps, actually manage to encounter day-to-day.

    那些單身人士,特別是那些被新約會程式所吸引的人,如何過好每一天

  • Try to have another conversation with your partner in which you don't accuse them of mendacity,

    試著和你的伴侶對話,且不要指控他有多虛偽

  • and instead simply explain, quite calmly, how you actually feel and how sad you are about quite a few things.

    相反地,冷靜地說明你真實的感受,以及哪些事情讓你感到難過

  • Reflect on how'd you really feel as a child.

    思考若你是你的孩子,對於你和伴侶的分手有何感受

  • if henceforth, you were to have two tiny bedrooms,

    若之後你會有兩間小臥室

  • two new step-parents, and possibly a few more new half-siblings.

    兩位新的繼父繼母,或許也有一些再婚父母與繼父母所生的兄弟姐妹

  • Compare with the scratchy reality of the current setup.

    和目前這令人頭痛的情況作比較

  • Question how normal it is for any couple to have great sex after twenty-two months.

    對於一對情侶在交往 22 個月之後還能擁有很棒的性生活是否正常提出疑問

  • Ask yourself if you're ready to face the risk of perhaps achieving no more

    問問自己是否準備好

  • than exchanging a familiar kind of unhappiness for a new and more complex variety of unhappiness.

    將一個熟悉的不開心和一個全新的、更加複雜的不開心交換

  • Wonder whether you really want to choose hope over experience

    想一下你是否想要選擇懷有希望勝過於根據經驗行動

  • Then, if you still have the impulse to leave,

    然後,如果你仍然有離開的衝動

  • with chances of subsequent regret lessened to at least a touch, with a heavy heart, and a cautious mind,

    至少隨後感到後悔的機率稍微減輕了,你可以帶著一顆沉重的心和一個小心翼翼的心靈

  • leave.

    離去

The decision whether one should stay or leave

要做一個是否要離開還是留下的決定

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【The School of Life】人生的難題!面對一段感情,該留下還是分手呢? (Stay in - or Leave - a Relationship?)

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