The last 50 years have seen a revolution

近50年來，「家庭」的意義

in what it means to be a family.

有了天翻地覆的改變。

We have blended families, adopted families,

我們現在有透過再婚重組的家庭、有領養家庭、

we have nuclear families living in separate houses

有獨立出來居住的核心家庭、

and divorced families living in the same house.

有離婚後依然同住的家庭。

But through it all, the family has grown stronger.

雖然出現了那麼多變化，家庭還是變得更穩固。

Eight in 10 say the family they have today

高達八成的人認為，他們現在所處的家庭

is as strong or stronger than the family they grew up in.

跟他們成長的家庭一樣、或更加穩固。

Now, here's the bad news.

但同時，這裡又有一些壞消息。

Nearly everyone is completely overwhelmed

幾乎每一個人都被淹沒在

by the chaos of family life.

家庭生活的混亂中

Every parent I know, myself included,

我所認識的每一位家長，包括我自己

feels like we're constantly playing defense.

總是感覺自己有解決不完的問題。

Just when our kids stop teething, they start having tantrums.

當我們的孩子換完了牙，他們開始會發脾氣。

Just when they stop needing our help taking a bath,

當他們不再需要我們幫忙洗澡，

they need our help dealing with cyberstalking or bullying.

我們開始要幫他們面對網路犯罪或同儕霸凌。

And here's the worst news of all.

現在，有更壞的消息要給大家。

Our children sense we're out of control.

我們的孩子覺得我們失控了。

Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute

《家庭與工作制度》的作者 Ellen Galinsky

asked 1,000 children, "If you were granted

訪問了 1000 個孩子，問他們：「假設你可以實現

one wish about your parents, what would it be?"

一個關於你父母的願望，你會許甚麼願？」

The parents predicted the kids would say,

父母以為孩子會說，

spending more time with them.

多花一點時間陪伴他們。 （笑聲）

They were wrong. The kids' number one wish?

錯了。孩子們頭號的願望是什麼？

That their parents be less tired and less stressed.

他們希望父母別那麼累、能放輕鬆點。

So how can we change this dynamic?

既然如此，我們可以怎樣轉變這種互動？

Are there concrete things we can do to reduce stress,

我們有哪一些具體的事情可以減少壓力，

draw our family closer,

讓家庭變得更親密，

and generally prepare our children to enter the world?

讓我們的小孩面對世界時有更好的準備？

I spent the last few years trying to answer that question,

去年，我花了一年時間去找這個問題的答案，

traveling around, meeting families, talking to scholars,

走訪了不同的地方，訪問了許多家庭跟專家學者

experts ranging from elite peace negotiators

從頂尖的談判專家、

to Warren Buffett's bankers to the Green Berets.

到華倫．巴菲特的金融家、到綠扁帽部隊的軍人。

I was trying to figure out, what do happy families do right

我嘗試找出快樂的家庭到底有什麼祕密

and what can I learn from them to make my family happier?

我又能從中學到什麼來讓我的家庭也能更快樂？

I want to tell you about one family that I met,

我想告訴你一個我遇見的家庭，

and why I think they offer clues.

我想他們給了我一些線索。

At 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs, Idaho,

一個星期天的早上 7 點鐘，在美國愛達荷州的隱泉鎮

where the six members of the Starr family are sitting down

Starr 家的六名成員已經聚在一起

to the highlight of their week: the family meeting.

進行他們每星期的重點：家庭會議。

The Starrs are a regular American family

Starr 家是一個很典型的美國家庭

with their share of regular American family problems.

也有一些美國家庭的典型問題。

David is a software engineer. Eleanor takes care

父親大衛是一名電腦軟體工程師，母親埃莉諾是家庭主婦

of their four children, ages 10 to 15.

留在家中照顧四個 10 到 15 歲的孩子。

One of those kids tutors math on the far side of town.

其中一個孩子定期到城的另一端上數學課。

One has lacrosse on the near side of town.

另一個參加附近的長曲棍球隊。

One has Asperger syndrome. One has ADHD.

還有一個有自閉症，另一個則有過動症。

"We were living in complete chaos," Eleanor said.

埃莉諾說：「我們生活在一片混亂之中。」

What the Starrs did next, though, was surprising.

那麼這個家庭怎麼處理這一切？結果令人吃驚的。

Instead of turning to friends or relatives,

他們沒有向朋友或者親友求助，

they looked to David's workplace.

他們往大衛的職場找答案。

They turned to a cutting-edge program called agile development

大衛的軟體公司正在導入先進的敏捷開發方法

that was just spreading from manufacturers in Japan

這種方法從日本的製造業傳出，

to startups in Silicon Valley.

流行在矽谷的許多新創公司。

In agile, workers are organized into small groups

在敏捷開發方法中，人員被分成許多小組

and do things in very short spans of time.

並且把工作切割成能在較短時間內完成的型態。

So instead of having executives issue grand proclamations,

因此不需要管理高層不停發號施令，

the team in effect manages itself.

小組能有效地自主管理自己。

You have constant feedback. You have daily update sessions.

持續回應狀況，每天有更新進度的會議。

You have weekly reviews. You're constantly changing.

每個星期作一次回顧。不停依情況調整計畫。

David said when they brought this system into their home,

大衛說當他們把這個系統帶進家裡面時，

the family meetings in particular increased communication,

家庭會議特別能增加彼此的溝通，

decreased stress, and made everybody

減少壓力，讓每個人更樂於

happier to be part of the family team.

參與「家庭」這個團隊。

When my wife and I adopted these family meetings and other techniques

當太太和我開始採用上述家庭會議和其他技巧

into the lives of our then-five-year-old twin daughters,

在我們當時 5 歲的雙胞胎女兒身上後，

it was the biggest single change we made since our daughters were born.

我們觀察到自從她們出生以來最大的改變。

And these meetings had this effect

而能產生這種效果的家庭會議

while taking under 20 minutes.

通常花不了 20 分鐘。

So what is Agile, and why can it help

什麼是敏捷方法？ 它怎能應用在家庭？

with something that seems so different, like families?

畢竟軟體開發與家庭是很不一樣的兩件事

In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist

1983年，Jeff Sutherland 是一名科技專業人員

at a financial firm in New England.

為新英格蘭的一所財務公司工作。

He was very frustrated with how software got designed.

他對當時軟體開發方式感到沮喪。

Companies followed the waterfall method, right,

當時大多採用瀑布式開發流程，對吧

in which executives issued orders that slowly trickled down

主管從上發號司令，透過沒有效率的行政流程

to programmers below,

指揮程式設計師，

and no one had ever consulted the programmers.

沒人直接諮詢程式設計師的意見。

Eighty-three percent of projects failed.

結果，83％ 的計畫都以失敗告終。

They were too bloated or too out of date

計畫完成時，軟體不是缺乏可用性、

by the time they were done.

就是早就已經過時。

Sutherland wanted to create a system where

Sutherland 想創造一個系統

ideas didn't just percolate down but could percolate up from the bottom

讓構思可以從下而上傳遞，而非總是往下滲透，

and be adjusted in real time.

而且可以在需要時隨時調整。

He read 30 years of Harvard Business Review

他閱讀了過去 30 年的哈佛商業評論，

before stumbling upon an article in 1986

偶然發現一篇 1986 年的文章

called "The New New Product Development Game."

題為「新, 新產品開發競賽」。

It said that the pace of business was quickening --

裡面說商業的步調正在加快 --

and by the way, this was in 1986 --

提醒你這可是在 1986 年 --

and the most successful companies were flexible.

能採取彈性作法才能成為最成功的公司。

It highlighted Toyota and Canon

文章特別點出 TOYOTA 與 Canon

and likened their adaptable, tight-knit teams to rugby scrums.

把他們靈活又緊密的團隊比喻成橄欖球陣型。

As Sutherland told me, we got to that article,

Sutherland 告訴我，他們當時一看到這篇文章，

and said, "That's it."

就知道「這正是我們要的」

In Sutherland's system, companies don't use

在 Sutherland 的系統裡，

large, massive projects that take two years.

公司不把事情規劃成耗時兩年的龐大計畫。

They do things in small chunks.

他們把事情分散成小塊來做。

Nothing takes longer than two weeks.

沒有單一工作需要超過兩周完成。

So instead of saying, "You guys go off into that bunker

他們不說：「現在躲起來埋頭工作，

and come back with a cell phone or a social network,"

直到你們做出最新手機或是另一個社交網路。」

you say, "You go off and come up with one element,

而說：「你先做出一個可用的東西，

then bring it back. Let's talk about it. Let's adapt."

然後拿出來讓大家討論，看看需不需要調整。」

You succeed or fail quickly.

你能很快知道事情到底行不行得通。

Today, agile is used in a hundred countries,

現在，敏捷方法已經在超過一百個國家被採用，

and it's sweeping into management suites.

甚至推入管理領域。

Inevitably, people began taking some of these techniques

無可避免地，人們開始吸收其中一些技巧

and applying it to their families.

並引入他們的家庭當中。

You had blogs pop up, and some manuals were written.

你可以在部落格找到資料，還有人出版實用手冊。

Even the Sutherlands told me that they had

Sutherland 家的人甚至告訴我

an Agile Thanksgiving,

他們用敏捷方法過感恩節，

where you had one group of people working on the food,

他們安排了一個小組負責食物，

one setting the table, and one greeting visitors at the door.

一組佈置餐桌，一組在大門口迎接來賓。

Sutherland said it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

Sutherland 表示那是最令人滿意的感恩節。

So let's take one problem that families face,

現在我們從家庭所面對的問題中挑一個，

crazy mornings, and talk about how agile can help.

「早晨的瘋狂忙亂」，談談如何運用敏捷方法解決。

A key plank is accountability,

重點是分工並完全負責（當責），

so teams use information radiators,

成員使用「資訊輻射器」，

these large boards in which everybody is accountable.

也就是寫上每個人責任與進度的大片書寫板。

So the Starrs, in adapting this to their home,

Starr 家採取了這套方法，

created a morning checklist

建立了一份晨間工作清單

in which each child is expected to tick off chores.

每一個小孩都要完成他們在清單上的工作。

So on the morning I visited, Eleanor came downstairs,

在我去探訪的早上，埃莉諾剛從樓上下來，

poured herself a cup of coffee, sat in a reclining chair,

她為自己倒了一杯咖啡，坐在一張斜背椅上，

and she sat there,

她坐在那裡，

kind of amiably talking to each of her children

輕聲跟她每一個小孩子說話

as one after the other they came downstairs,

看著他們陸續下樓，

checked the list, made themselves breakfast,

小孩檢查自己的清單，做自己的早餐，

checked the list again, put the dishes in the dishwasher,

再檢查清單，把自己的餐具放到洗碗機裡，

rechecked the list, fed the pets or whatever chores they had,

接著檢查清單，完成餵寵物等各自該負責的工作。

checked the list once more, gathered their belongings,

最後檢查清單，確認自己該帶的東西

and made their way to the bus.

然後出門搭車。

It was one of the most astonishing family dynamics I have ever seen.

那是我見過最棒的家庭互動模式。

And when I strenuously objected this would never work in our house,

當我努力地表示這永遠不會在我們家出現，

our kids needed way too much monitoring,

我們的孩子需要督促，

Eleanor looked at me.

埃莉諾看著我。

"That's what I thought," she said.

她說：「我以前也是這樣想，

"I told David, 'keep your work out of my kitchen.'

我告訴大衛：『不要在我的廚房裡搞你哪一套。』，

But I was wrong."

但，我錯了。」

So I turned to David: "So why does it work?"

我轉向大衛：「這是怎麼辦到的？」

He said, "You can't underestimate the power of doing this."

他說：「你不能低估這個的力量。」

And he made a checkmark.

他接著做了一個打勾的動作。

He said, "In the workplace, adults love it.

他說：「職場中，成年人都很喜歡它。

With kids, it's heaven."

小孩更覺得它妙極了。」

The week we introduced a morning checklist into our house,

那個星期，我們在家裡實行我們自己的晨間清單，

it cut parental screaming in half. (Laughter)

它有效降低 50% 父母尖叫率。 （笑聲）

But the real change didn't come until we had these family meetings.

但真正的改變，在我們舉行了家庭會議後才慢慢出現。

So following the agile model, we ask three questions:

跟隨敏捷方法的模式，我們問自己三個問題：

What worked well in our family this week,

在這個星期，家裡有甚麼事情做得很好？

what didn't work well, and what will we agree to work on in the week ahead?

甚麼事情做得不好？我們下個星期要怎麼改善？

Everyone throws out suggestions

每一個人都提出了建議，

and then we pick two to focus on.

然後，我們挑了兩個來集中討論。

And suddenly the most amazing things started coming out of our daughters' mouths.

突然之間，最美妙的話自我們女兒的嘴巴說出來。

What worked well this week?

我們這個星期有什麼做得很好？

Getting over our fear of riding bikes. Making our beds.

「我們不再怕騎單車跌倒，我們自己舖床。」

What didn't work well? Our math sheets,

有什麼還需要改善？「我們的算數作業，

or greeting visitors at the door.

或者是在門口要跟別人問好。」

Like a lot of parents, our kids are something like Bermuda Triangles.

像很多父母，我們認為小孩有時候像百慕達三角一樣神秘。

Like, thoughts and ideas go in, but none ever comes out,

跟他們分享想法，往往有進無出，得不到回應，

I mean at least not that are revealing.

至少他們都沒有表達出來。

This gave us access suddenly to their innermost thoughts.

家庭會議讓我們突然能夠接觸到他們內在的想法。

But the most surprising part was when we turned to,

但最令人驚訝的事情發生在我們開始討論

what are we going to work on in the week ahead?

「我們接下來這個星期要怎麼改善？」時。

You know, the key idea of agile is that

在敏捷方法裡的核心想法是

teams essentially manage themselves,

團隊本質上是自己管理自己，

and it works in software and it turns out that it works with kids.

這一條能在軟體開發上運作，竟然對小孩子也有效。

Our kids love this process.

我們的孩子很愛這個過程。

So they would come up with all these ideas.

所以，他們會提出很多很好的點子。

You know, greet five visitors at the door this week,

「這個星期，我們要給五個訪客打招呼，

get an extra 10 minutes of reading before bed.

在睡前多加十分鐘的閱讀。」

Kick someone, lose desserts for a month.

「踢人的話，會失去一個月的所有甜點。」

It turns out, by the way, our girls are little Stalins.

我們家的女孩曾是小霸王，

We constantly have to kind of dial them back.

我們以前必須不停矯正他們的行為。

Now look, naturally there's a gap between

現在呢 -- 雖然很自然地，

their kind of conduct in these meetings and their behavior the rest of the week,

她們在會議上的承諾，與實際的表現會有落差 --

but the truth is it didn't really bother us.

但事實上這沒有關係。

It felt like we were kind of laying these underground cables

我們像是鋪設了某種地下電纜一般，

that wouldn't light up their world for many years to come.

幾年後終會發揮作用，照亮他們的世界。

Three years later -- our girls are almost eight now --

三年後，我們的女兒現在已經八歲了。

We're still holding these meetings.

我們還繼續舉行家庭會議。

My wife counts them among her most treasured moments as a mom.

我太太認為這些會議是她當媽媽所擁有最寶貴的時刻。

So what did we learn?

所以，我們到底學到了什麼？

The word "agile" entered the lexicon in 2001

2001年，敏捷方法 (Agile) 這個詞正式收錄進辭典

when Jeff Sutherland and a group of designers

當時 Jeff Sutherland 和一批系統設計師

met in Utah and wrote a 12-point Agile Manifesto.

在猶他州見面，並一起寫下十二點敏捷開發方法的宣言。

I think the time is right for an Agile Family Manifesto.

我想也是時候讓我們寫下家用敏捷方法的宣言。

I've taken some ideas from the Starrs and from many other families I met.

我從 Starr 家和一些我曾經碰面的家庭得到了一些意見。

I'm proposing three planks.

我提出三個重點。

Plank number one: Adapt all the time.

重點一：隨機應變。

When I became a parent, I figured, you know what?

當我開始為人父，我發現

We'll set a few rules and we'll stick to them.

我們會訂一些規矩，而且希望嚴格地執行。

That assumes, as parents, we can anticipate every problem that's going to arise.

這假設了我們作父母的，可以預知有哪些問題會出現。

We can't. What's great about the agile system

事實上，我們並不能。敏捷系統偉大的地方在於

is you build in a system of change

你建立了一個變動系統

so that you can react to what's happening to you in real time.

使你可以視情況馬上做出反應。

It's like they say in the Internet world:

就像他們在網路世界裡說的：

if you're doing the same thing today you were doing six months ago,

如果六個月來你都在做同一件事情，

you're doing the wrong thing.

這表示你做錯了。

Parents can learn a lot from that.

父母親可以從中學到很多事情。

But to me, "adapt all the time" means something deeper, too.

對我來說，「隨機應變」有更深的意義。

We have to break parents out of this straitjacket

我們一定要打破一個根深蒂固的想法

that the only ideas we can try at home

認為我們只能在家裡面嘗試

are ones that come from shrinks or self-help gurus

那些來自精神科醫師、大師

or other family experts.

或其他家庭關係專家們的意見。

The truth is, their ideas are stale,

事實上，他們的想法都過時了，

whereas in all these other worlds there are these new ideas

相反的，其它領域有很多新想法

to make groups and teams work effectively.

可以讓小組和團隊有效地運作。

Let's just take a few examples.

讓我們舉一些例子。

Let's take the biggest issue of all: family dinner.

我們拿一般家庭最大的問題來講一下：家庭晚餐。

Everybody knows that having family dinner

每一個人都知道，跟你的小孩一起晚餐

with your children is good for the kids.

對小孩很重要。

But for so many of us, it doesn't work in our lives.

不過，對於我們大部分人來說，這實在困難。

I met a celebrity chef in New Orleans who said,

我曾遇見的一位新紐奧良的著名廚師卻說，

"No problem, I'll just time-shift family dinner.

「沒問題，我只需要調整我們家庭聚餐時間就行。

I'm not home, can't make family dinner?

沒辦法出席家庭晚餐？

We'll have family breakfast. We'll meet for a bedtime snack.

改成家庭早餐如何，也可以在睡前來個點心時間。

We'll make Sunday meals more important."

或是把星期天的聚餐變得更重要。」

And the truth is, recent research backs him up.

事實上，最近一些調查也在支持他的說法。

It turns out there's only 10 minutes of productive time

研究發現，在家庭聚餐的場合裡，

in any family meal.

只有 10 分鐘能發揮功用。

The rest of it's taken up with "take your elbows off the table" and "pass the ketchup."

其它時間只充斥「手肘離開桌子」與「遞蕃茄漿給我」。

You can take that 10 minutes and move it

所以你可以找出 10 分鐘的時間好好經營，

to any part of the day and have the same benefit.

不管用哪個時段，效果會一樣好。

So time-shift family dinner. That's adaptability.

彈性調整家庭聚餐時間，就是所謂的隨機應變。

An environmental psychologist told me,

有一個環境心理學家告訴我，

"If you're sitting in a hard chair on a rigid surface,

「若你坐在一張堅硬的椅子上，

you'll be more rigid.

你也會變得比較生硬。

If you're sitting on a cushioned chair, you'll be more open."