[upbeat music in headphones]

[歡快音樂]

- [singing] 'Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby

‘Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby’

You're gonna drop, drop--

‘You're gonna drop, drop…’

- Uh, hi. Excuse me.

呃，你好。打擾一下。

I wasn't expecting to see Porky here.

想不到我會在這裡遇到小箭。

Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

呃，對不起打擾一下，

we just can't seem to find the bathroom.

我們找不到洗手間。

- Oh. You come here a lot?

噢，你經常來的嗎？

- Uh, just when my son has a birthday.

噢，因為我兒子生日才來。

- Oh, right on. Well...

噢，好極⋯

I'm here all the time. [chuckles]

我每天都會在這裡。

Uh, listen,

啊，聽著，

I know a way to make your son's birthday

我有方法可以令你兒子生日會

the best ever.

變得最好。

- Sounds great.

聽起來不錯。

- Yeah, you can give him the gift

你可以給他非常渴望

he's been desperately wanting.

想得到的生日禮物。

- What's that?

那是什麼？

- A father-figure. - Excuse me?

一個父親。 你說什麼？

- You and I can get together and we can give him back

趁著他還未成年，

his childhood before it's too late.

只要你和我在一起就能送給他的童年

What do you say, sport?

你覺得怎樣，小孩？

How would you like Porky to be your dad, huh?

你想不想小箭成為你的爸爸呀？

[groans, gasping]

[呻吟聲，喘氣聲]

- Good job, Davey, that was definitely

做得好，戴維，這絕對是

"stranger danger."

「危險的陌生人。」

- [choking] Wait! Wait!

等等！

- Oh, my God!

我的天啊！

Ian, are you okay?

伊恩你還好吧？

[both grunt]

[呼嚕聲]

- [panting] No, Mads, I'm not okay.

我有事啊，邁茲。

I've totally lost my Mom Game.

我不能再輕易搭上別人母親了。

[upbeat music]

[歡快音樂]

- This is America

這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能攀更高

- Not you, though

無可能

- You're stuck here

你被捆在這

- 'Cause you're a part-timer

因你是個兼職生

- Yeah!

對啊

- You can do anything

你能做任何事

- As long it's not hard

只要是不太困難

- And you can go anywhere

你能去任何地方

- As soon as you get a car

只要你有一輛車

- You're gonna be a huge success

你能夠得到名譽

- Come on, that's not who you are

別傻了這不是你自己

- You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams

你是被詛咒的兼職生擁有個全職夢

And this low-paying job

這個低工資的工作

Is as bad as it seems

真的非常糟糕

Bad as it seems

真的非常糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你在這裡幹什麼呀

Whoa

哇

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你在這裡幹什麼呀

Oh

哦

But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?

兄弟，認真的，你在這裡幹什麼呀？

[creaks]

《Smosh - 兼職生第一季第八集：如何搭上母親》

[crashes]

《Smosh - 兼職生第一季第八集：如何搭上母親》

- Just sit down and relax.

坐下來冷靜下來。

- You know, girls used to fall for me

你知道嗎，女生通常都看得上我

and see me as husband material.

認為我是好老公榜樣。

Now they don't even see me as step-dad material.

現在得連好繼父榜樣也稱不上。

Somewhere I've just lost my special lady touch.

我的點女成妻手不知道在什麼時候失效。

- Here, let me help.

讓我來幫手吧。

- What are you doing? What--

你在幹什麼？你⋯

[grunts]

[呼嚕聲]

- You're much more attractive when you're not talking.

你不說話的時候比較吸引。

[upbeat music]

[歡快音樂]

- You're just telling me this now?

你現在才跟我說？

What the [bleep]?

你他媽的。

[suspenseful music]

[懸疑音樂]

- Lori, Ian almost died just now.

洛瑞，伊恩幾乎死掉。

I'm not saying that would've been a total loss,

我不認為他們不上急救課程是個損失

but I am saying you should let me teach a first aid class.

但請你讓我教他們上急救課。

- Hurry up, Dinger.

迪傑快一點。

You don't need ten minutes for every move.

你不用花十分鐘去想下一步怎樣走。

- Lori, please!

求求你，洛瑞。

No one knows anything about safety around here.

這裡沒有人懂得職業安全。

- I can hold my breath up to seven minutes

我可以一直閉氣七分鐘

and still defend myself.

一直保護自己。

I'm the very image of safety.

我是安全的象徵。

- Fine. - Yes!

好吧。 好耶！

[suspenseful music]

[懸疑音樂]

- Got to take the load off sometime, huh?

再忙也須歇一歇對吧？

- Hm. - Yeah, me too.

嗯。 對，我也是。

You know, no one ever tells you

有沒有人跟你說過

with kids it's just take, take, take.

孩子什麼都是拿走你的。

- Mm-hmm. - [sighs]

嗯嗯。

[suggestive music]

[提示性音樂]

- Oh, thank you.

哦謝謝你。

[video games beeping]

[電子遊戲聲]

- Thank you all for attending first aid class.

謝謝大家出席急救課程。

Just one of the many benefits we're offering

其中一個我們為這個社區

our strip mall community

提供的好處

and, in exchange, you guys will give us

作為交換，你們會

free car washes, right?

提供免費洗車服務對吧？

- We'll talk.

我們會再商量一下。

- The pretty one offered pizza?

那漂亮的女生提供薄餅嗎？

- Oh, I never said that.

我沒有說過。

- I did.

我說過。

- You know, I wanted to switch to formula

你知道嗎我想轉用嬰兒配方奶粉給我的嬰兒，

because after six months of breastfeeding,

經過六個月餵母乳之後

I couldn't feel my nipples. - [groans]

我的乳頭沒有感覺了。

- Does that make me a terrible mother?

我是個不稱職的母親嗎？

- Uh-huh. - You know, you're right.

嗯哼。 你說得對。

Taking care of myself will only make me a better mom.

照顧好我自己會讓我成為更好的母親。

You know, you're a good therapist.

你是個好的治療師。

- [giggles]

[笑聲]

- You know, I have a friend

我有個朋友

who's struggling with some body image issues,

又是被一些身體形象的問題困擾，

could I bring her over?

我可以帶她過來嗎？

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

嗯哼⋯

- Mads, the floor's all yours.

場地交給你了，邁茲。

Whoo!

喔！

- We will have pizza at the certification ceremony,

在頒證儀式時會有薄餅給大家，

but first, we have a three-hour lecture,

首先，我們有三小時課堂，

a self-reflection essay,

自我反思論文，

and a multiple-choice quiz.

最後一個多項選擇題考試。

- Three hours? - W-w-wait.

三小時？ 等等⋯

Three hours buys you a lifetime of safety.

三個小時給你買一輩子的安全。

Plus, two full years of certification.

加上，整整兩年的認證。

- Come on, man, let's get pizza next door.

來吧兄弟，我們去隔壁買薄餅吃。

You want to come?

你要跟我們一起嗎？

- Or, I'm prepared to show you how to

或者，我準備表演向攻擊者

disembowel an attacker with a flick of the wrist.

用手腕一抖讓他開膛破肚

- And I will show you how to re-embowel him

而我會用急救方法

with first aid.

教你們如何縫合他的肚。

[cheers]

[喝彩]

- I'm going with Dinger. - Yeah! Uh-huh.

我選擇迪傑方法。 沒錯！ 嗯。

- Whoo!

喔！

[all giggling]

[傻笑]

- This is better than therapy.

這個比去看治療師好很多。

- Better than chardonnay. - Ooh, Helen, you bad.

比喝夏多內白酒好很多。 哦，海倫你很壞。

[laughter]

[笑聲]

- You are so not like my ex-husband, Porky.

小箭，你跟我前夫不一樣。

I find that a man that's not trying to fix me

我發現原來一個男人不嘗試修補我空虛

is incredibly appealing. - Yeah.

是非常吸引人的。 沒錯。

- Yes. - That's right.

沒錯。

- [giggles] - Hey, Ian--

喂，伊恩⋯

Porky, uh,

小箭，呀⋯

Lori says we have to go to first aid class

洛瑞說我們要去員工休息室

in the staff room.

參加急救課程。

- [grunts angrily]

[生氣地呼嚕聲]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

唔唔。

[groans angrily]

[氣憤地呻吟聲]

Forget first aid.

忘記急救課程。

I have an emergency and I need your help.

我有急事需要你幫忙。

- Me? Oh, my God, Ian, anything.

我？天啊，伊恩，什麼都做。

- Shh.

噓。

- [whispers] Anything.

所有事。

- Okay. I'm in total lust.

好，我現在很有慾望。

- Um...sorry?

嗯⋯什麼？

- Go in to Lori's office, get the box of red wine,

去洛瑞房間，拿那樽紅酒，

the boom box, and the tape labeled "Love Making Mix."

內置揚聲器和錄音帶標有「愛情混合」

Now! - No!

即刻！ 不可以！

I'm not going to help you seduce a bunch of customers!

我不會幫你勾引一堆客人！

Okay? I'm going to first aid.

明嗎？我現在去參與急救課程。

- Dude, you're an Eagle Scout,

兄弟，你是個鷹級童子軍，

you don't need a class in first aid.

你不需要參與急救課程。

You need a master class in manhood.

你需要參與關於男子氣概的大師級課程。

Hell, I'll give you a merit badge, okay?

該死的，我會給你一枚獎章，好嗎？

- Fine, okay?

算了，好吧。

But just to be clear, there's no orgy merit badge.

先至聲明，沒有一個獎章叫群交獎章。

- Pete, prepare to learn from a sexual dynamo.

皮特，準備向性愛大師上一課吧。

And, um, by the way, when the love making starts,

而且，嗯，順便說一句，當開始做愛時，

uh, don't look me straight in the eye.

呃，不要直看我的眼。

You know? Keep me in the corner.

明嗎？視而不見。

Direct eye contact's weird. Okay? Cool.

直接眼神接觸很怪，明嗎？ 好。

- Okay. Got it.

明白，知道。

- Elbow left! - [all grunt]

手肘向左！

- Let sweep right! - [all grunt]

轉去右！

- Now let's hear those battle cries.

現在讓我聽你們的吶喊聲。

[all shout]

[大叫]

- Now, take your wallet's back...

現在把你的銀包拿回來⋯

[all grunt] And then your dignity.

和你的尊嚴。

[gong crashes]

[鑼聲]

- Unless you never have any.

除非你沒有尊嚴。

Hey-oh! [both laugh]

嘿，哦！

- [clears throat]

[清喉]

St--

停⋯

So, now that your attacker

現在襲擊者

is disabled, disemboweled,

不能動，被開膛，

and decapitated, tell someone to call 911.

和被斬首，叫人報警。

- Too late!

太遲了！

Your attacker's syndicate is rolling up

襲擊者的組織舔著復仇的味道

with a taste for vengeance.

正在準備回來報仇

Assume your ready position. [all grunt]

擺出你的準備姿勢。

- [groans, whines]

[呻吟聲，抱怨聲]

[suggestive music] - Oh, yeah.

哦耶。

Oh, right there. That's the spot.

哦，對了那裡，就是這個位。

- You can only supplement your personality so much, Linda.

你的個性只能有限地填補的，琳達。

You have needs.

你有需要的。

- You know, I don't think that my ex-husband even loved me.

我覺得我的前夫根本不愛我。

I think he just liked the mask I wore

他只喜歡我穿上面具

as a "happy wife."

成為一個「快樂人妻」

And I'm afraid to take that mask off.

而且我怕要除下面具。

Oh, Porky.

噢，小箭。

I know you love me just the way I am.

我知道你愛我的方式和我的一樣。

- What's under your mask, Porky?

小箭，面具下的你是怎樣的？

I want to see what's under fun fur.

我想知道有什麼收藏在皮毛下。

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

是啊。 哦耶。

- Can we see what's under there?

我可以知道皮毛下收藏什麼嗎？

- Come on, let me help you get it off.

來吧，讓我幫你脫掉它。

[suggestive music]

[提示性音樂]

[all chuckle and coo] - Oh, he's so cute.

哦，他很可愛。

- You're adorable.

你真可愛。

- [laughs]

[笑]

- Look at those cheeks.

看那臉頰。

- You know what? You have been so good to us,

你對我們這麼好，

I think we should give back to you.

我想我們應該回饋給你。

- Yeah. - Mm.

是啊。 嗯。

- I am so ready for that, ladies.

我準備好了，女士們。

[suggestive music]

[提示性音樂]

Let's do this.

我們做吧。

[upbeat music]

[歡快音樂]

all: Kee-yah! - Hut!

唏呀！哈！

all: Kee-yah!

唏呀！

- Now that's what you do when the valet

當你停車時而代客停車說

says your car is not nice enough to park.

你的車不漂亮，你就跟著對他做

- This is not first aid!

這不是急救課程！

Dinger, I'm trying to teach people skills

迪傑，我正在教大家有用技巧

that will help them save their lives,

能夠讓他們有危險時自救，

not just destroy other people's lives.

不是摧毀其他人的生命。

- The best offense is a good defense.

防守是最好的進攻。

The best defense is jumping off the wall

由牆跳下攻擊襲擊者的大腦

on to your attacker's brain. - [shudders]

就是最好的防守

- [yells] [thuds]

[大喊]

[all groan]

[呻吟聲]

- Dinger?

迪傑？

Dinger?

迪傑？

He's dislocated his shoulder.

他的肩胛脫臼了。

Lori, get me a pillow. Ella, call 911.

洛瑞，給我枕頭。艾拉，報警。

Car wash guys, hold his body,

洗車傢伙，抓緊他的身體，

I'm gonna snap his shoulder back in its socket.

我會幫他托臼回到原來位置。

One, two-- [bones crack]

一，二⋯

- [screams]

[大叫]

- Oh.

噢。

[amazed gasps]

[驚訝的喘息]

- How'd you know to do all that?

你怎麼懂得這樣做？

- Have you been here for the last hour?

你過去一小時有留心嗎？

- Do you any idea how humiliating it is

你可想到不能搭飛機

to not be able to ride a plane?

有多侮辱嗎？

If you invite me to Paris,

如果你邀請我去巴黎，

I have to leave six months in advance

我要提前半年離家

to go through the Panama Canal.

花時間跨越巴拿馬運河。

- Ohh... - Baby...

哦⋯寶貝⋯

- Honey, it's okay. - Everyone makes mistakes.

親愛的，沒關係。 每個人都會犯錯。

You are a human being.

你都是一個人。

- I thought you were a "sexual dynamo."

我以為你是個性愛大師。

- I'm not, Pete!

我才不是，皮特。

Moms...

媽媽們⋯

I have a confession.

我要懺悔。

I thought this whole thing was leading to

我以為事情繼續發展下去會變成

the best orgy of my life-- - [clears throat]

我生命中最好的群交體驗⋯

- Okay, the only orgy of my life.

好了，我生命中唯一群交體驗⋯

- Aww.

噢。

- You thought you had a chance with us?

你以為你有機會搭上我們嗎？

- That's so cute. [chuckles]

那真可愛。

- Honestly, I would choose him before you.

老實說，我會選擇他不選你。

- [chuckles]

[笑]

- Can we still be friends? all: Oh, of course we can.

我們還是朋友嗎？ 噢，當然可以。

- Nope. You gonna lose that paw.

不行。你將會失去那爪。

[video games beeping]

[電子遊戲聲]

- Coming through, guys.

各位借過。

- Oh, my God! Is he gonna be okay?

我的天啊，他會沒事吧？

- Yes, thanks to my expertise.

當然沒事，全靠我的專門知識。

- Hey!

喂！

Are you the furry that tried to orgy with my wife?

你就是那個毛茸茸的傢伙想和我的妻子群交？

- No, it was an emotional orgy.

不是，只是精神上的群交。

[groans] [everyone gasps]