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  • [video game beeping]

    [電子遊戲聲]

  • [upbeat music in headphones]

    [歡快音樂]

  • - [singing] 'Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby

    ‘Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby’

  • You're gonna drop, drop--

    ‘You're gonna drop, drop…’

  • - Uh, hi. Excuse me.

    呃,你好。打擾一下。

  • I wasn't expecting to see Porky here.

    想不到我會在這裡遇到小箭。

  • Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

    呃,對不起打擾一下,

  • we just can't seem to find the bathroom.

    我們找不到洗手間。

  • - Oh. You come here a lot?

    噢,你經常來的嗎?

  • - Uh, just when my son has a birthday.

    噢,因為我兒子生日才來。

  • - Oh, right on. Well...

    噢,好極⋯

  • I'm here all the time. [chuckles]

    我每天都會在這裡。

  • Uh, listen,

    啊,聽著,

  • I know a way to make your son's birthday

    我有方法可以令你兒子生日會

  • the best ever.

    變得最好。

  • - Sounds great.

    聽起來不錯。

  • - Yeah, you can give him the gift

    你可以給他非常渴望

  • he's been desperately wanting.

    想得到的生日禮物。

  • - What's that?

    那是什麼?

  • - A father-figure. - Excuse me?

    一個父親。 你說什麼?

  • - You and I can get together and we can give him back

    趁著他還未成年,

  • his childhood before it's too late.

    只要你和我在一起就能送給他的童年

  • What do you say, sport?

    你覺得怎樣,小孩?

  • How would you like Porky to be your dad, huh?

    你想不想小箭成為你的爸爸呀?

  • [groans, gasping]

    [呻吟聲,喘氣聲]

  • - Good job, Davey, that was definitely

    做得好,戴維,這絕對是

  • "stranger danger."

    「危險的陌生人。」

  • - [choking] Wait! Wait!

    等等!

  • - Oh, my God!

    我的天啊!

  • Ian, are you okay?

    伊恩你還好吧?

  • [both grunt]

    [呼嚕聲]

  • - [panting] No, Mads, I'm not okay.

    我有事啊,邁茲。

  • I've totally lost my Mom Game.

    我不能再輕易搭上別人母親了。

  • [upbeat music]

    [歡快音樂]

  • - This is America

    這裡是美國

  • Land of dreams

    夢想之地

  • Everyone can climb higher

    每個人都能攀更高

  • - Not you, though

    無可能

  • - You're stuck here

    你被捆在這

  • - 'Cause you're a part-timer

    因你是個兼職生

  • - Yeah!

    對啊

  • - You can do anything

    你能做任何事

  • - As long it's not hard

    只要是不太困難

  • - And you can go anywhere

    你能去任何地方

  • - As soon as you get a car

    只要你有一輛車

  • - You're gonna be a huge success

    你能夠得到名譽

  • - Come on, that's not who you are

    別傻了這不是你自己

  • - You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams

    你是被詛咒的兼職生擁有個全職夢

  • And this low-paying job

    這個低工資的工作

  • Is as bad as it seems

    真的非常糟糕

  • Bad as it seems

    真的非常糟糕

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

    你在這裡幹什麼呀

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

    你在這裡幹什麼呀

  • Oh

  • But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?

    兄弟,認真的,你在這裡幹什麼呀?

  • [creaks]

    《Smosh - 兼職生第一季第八集:如何搭上母親》

  • [crashes]

    《Smosh - 兼職生第一季第八集:如何搭上母親》

  • - Just sit down and relax.

    坐下來冷靜下來。

  • - You know, girls used to fall for me

    你知道嗎,女生通常都看得上我

  • and see me as husband material.

    認為我是好老公榜樣。

  • Now they don't even see me as step-dad material.

    現在得連好繼父榜樣也稱不上。

  • Somewhere I've just lost my special lady touch.

    我的點女成妻手不知道在什麼時候失效。

  • - Here, let me help.

    讓我來幫手吧。

  • - What are you doing? What--

    你在幹什麼?你⋯

  • [grunts]

    [呼嚕聲]

  • - You're much more attractive when you're not talking.

    你不說話的時候比較吸引。

  • [upbeat music]

    [歡快音樂]

  • - You're just telling me this now?

    你現在才跟我說?

  • What the [bleep]?

    你他媽的。

  • [suspenseful music]

    [懸疑音樂]

  • - Lori, Ian almost died just now.

    洛瑞,伊恩幾乎死掉。

  • I'm not saying that would've been a total loss,

    我不認為他們不上急救課程是個損失

  • but I am saying you should let me teach a first aid class.

    但請你讓我教他們上急救課。

  • - Hurry up, Dinger.

    迪傑快一點。

  • You don't need ten minutes for every move.

    你不用花十分鐘去想下一步怎樣走。

  • - Lori, please!

    求求你,洛瑞。

  • No one knows anything about safety around here.

    這裡沒有人懂得職業安全。

  • - I can hold my breath up to seven minutes

    我可以一直閉氣七分鐘

  • and still defend myself.

    一直保護自己。

  • I'm the very image of safety.

    我是安全的象徵。

  • - Fine. - Yes!

    好吧。 好耶!

  • [suspenseful music]

    [懸疑音樂]

  • - Got to take the load off sometime, huh?

    再忙也須歇一歇對吧?

  • - Hm. - Yeah, me too.

    嗯。 對,我也是。

  • You know, no one ever tells you

    有沒有人跟你說過

  • with kids it's just take, take, take.

    孩子什麼都是拿走你的。

  • - Mm-hmm. - [sighs]

    嗯嗯。

  • [suggestive music]

    [提示性音樂]

  • - Oh, thank you.

    哦謝謝你。

  • [video games beeping]

    [電子遊戲聲]

  • - Thank you all for attending first aid class.

    謝謝大家出席急救課程。

  • Just one of the many benefits we're offering

    其中一個我們為這個社區

  • our strip mall community

    提供的好處

  • and, in exchange, you guys will give us

    作為交換,你們會

  • free car washes, right?

    提供免費洗車服務對吧?

  • - We'll talk.

    我們會再商量一下。

  • - The pretty one offered pizza?

    那漂亮的女生提供薄餅嗎?

  • - Oh, I never said that.

    我沒有說過。

  • - I did.

    我說過。

  • - You know, I wanted to switch to formula

    你知道嗎我想轉用嬰兒配方奶粉給我的嬰兒,

  • because after six months of breastfeeding,

    經過六個月餵母乳之後

  • I couldn't feel my nipples. - [groans]

    我的乳頭沒有感覺了。

  • - Does that make me a terrible mother?

    我是個不稱職的母親嗎?

  • - Uh-huh. - You know, you're right.

    嗯哼。 你說得對。

  • Taking care of myself will only make me a better mom.

    照顧好我自己會讓我成為更好的母親。

  • You know, you're a good therapist.

    你是個好的治療師。

  • - [giggles]

    [笑聲]

  • - You know, I have a friend

    我有個朋友

  • who's struggling with some body image issues,

    又是被一些身體形象的問題困擾,

  • could I bring her over?

    我可以帶她過來嗎?

  • - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    嗯哼⋯

  • - Mads, the floor's all yours.

    場地交給你了,邁茲。

  • Whoo!

    喔!

  • - We will have pizza at the certification ceremony,

    在頒證儀式時會有薄餅給大家,

  • but first, we have a three-hour lecture,

    首先,我們有三小時課堂,

  • a self-reflection essay,

    自我反思論文,

  • and a multiple-choice quiz.

    最後一個多項選擇題考試。

  • - Three hours? - W-w-wait.

    三小時? 等等⋯

  • Three hours buys you a lifetime of safety.

    三個小時給你買一輩子的安全。

  • Plus, two full years of certification.

    加上,整整兩年的認證。

  • - Come on, man, let's get pizza next door.

    來吧兄弟,我們去隔壁買薄餅吃。

  • You want to come?

    你要跟我們一起嗎?

  • - Or, I'm prepared to show you how to

    或者,我準備表演向攻擊者

  • disembowel an attacker with a flick of the wrist.

    用手腕一抖讓他開膛破肚

  • - And I will show you how to re-embowel him

    而我會用急救方法

  • with first aid.

    教你們如何縫合他的肚。

  • [cheers]

    [喝彩]

  • - I'm going with Dinger. - Yeah! Uh-huh.

    我選擇迪傑方法。 沒錯! 嗯。

  • - Whoo!

    喔!

  • [all giggling]

    [傻笑]

  • - This is better than therapy.

    這個比去看治療師好很多。

  • - Better than chardonnay. - Ooh, Helen, you bad.

    比喝夏多內白酒好很多。 哦,海倫你很壞。

  • [laughter]

    [笑聲]

  • - You are so not like my ex-husband, Porky.

    小箭,你跟我前夫不一樣。

  • I find that a man that's not trying to fix me

    我發現原來一個男人不嘗試修補我空虛

  • is incredibly appealing. - Yeah.

    是非常吸引人的。 沒錯。

  • - Yes. - That's right.

    沒錯。

  • - [giggles] - Hey, Ian--

    喂,伊恩⋯

  • Porky, uh,

    小箭,呀⋯

  • Lori says we have to go to first aid class

    洛瑞說我們要去員工休息室

  • in the staff room.

    參加急救課程。

  • - [grunts angrily]

    [生氣地呼嚕聲]

  • Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

    唔唔。

  • [groans angrily]

    [氣憤地呻吟聲]

  • Forget first aid.

    忘記急救課程。

  • I have an emergency and I need your help.

    我有急事需要你幫忙。

  • - Me? Oh, my God, Ian, anything.

    我?天啊,伊恩,什麼都做。

  • - Shh.

    噓。

  • - [whispers] Anything.

    所有事。

  • - Okay. I'm in total lust.

    好,我現在很有慾望。

  • - Um...sorry?

    嗯⋯什麼?

  • - Go in to Lori's office, get the box of red wine,

    去洛瑞房間,拿那樽紅酒,

  • the boom box, and the tape labeled "Love Making Mix."

    內置揚聲器和錄音帶標有「愛情混合」

  • Now! - No!

    即刻! 不可以!

  • I'm not going to help you seduce a bunch of customers!

    我不會幫你勾引一堆客人!

  • Okay? I'm going to first aid.

    明嗎?我現在去參與急救課程。

  • - Dude, you're an Eagle Scout,

    兄弟,你是個鷹級童子軍,

  • you don't need a class in first aid.

    你不需要參與急救課程。

  • You need a master class in manhood.

    你需要參與關於男子氣概的大師級課程。

  • Hell, I'll give you a merit badge, okay?

    該死的,我會給你一枚獎章,好嗎?

  • - Fine, okay?

    算了,好吧。

  • But just to be clear, there's no orgy merit badge.

    先至聲明,沒有一個獎章叫群交獎章。

  • - Pete, prepare to learn from a sexual dynamo.

    皮特,準備向性愛大師上一課吧。

  • And, um, by the way, when the love making starts,

    而且,嗯,順便說一句,當開始做愛時,

  • uh, don't look me straight in the eye.

    呃,不要直看我的眼。

  • You know? Keep me in the corner.

    明嗎?視而不見。

  • Direct eye contact's weird. Okay? Cool.

    直接眼神接觸很怪,明嗎? 好。

  • - Okay. Got it.

    明白,知道。

  • - Elbow left! - [all grunt]

    手肘向左!

  • - Let sweep right! - [all grunt]

    轉去右!

  • - Now let's hear those battle cries.

    現在讓我聽你們的吶喊聲。

  • [all shout]

    [大叫]

  • - Now, take your wallet's back...

    現在把你的銀包拿回來⋯

  • [all grunt] And then your dignity.

    和你的尊嚴。

  • [gong crashes]

    [鑼聲]

  • - Unless you never have any.

    除非你沒有尊嚴。

  • Hey-oh! [both laugh]

    嘿,哦!

  • - [clears throat]

    [清喉]

  • St--

    停⋯

  • So, now that your attacker

    現在襲擊者

  • is disabled, disemboweled,

    不能動,被開膛,

  • and decapitated, tell someone to call 911.

    和被斬首,叫人報警。

  • - Too late!

    太遲了!

  • Your attacker's syndicate is rolling up

    襲擊者的組織舔著復仇的味道

  • with a taste for vengeance.

    正在準備回來報仇

  • Assume your ready position. [all grunt]

    擺出你的準備姿勢。

  • - [groans, whines]

    [呻吟聲,抱怨聲]

  • [suggestive music] - Oh, yeah.

    哦耶。

  • Oh, right there. That's the spot.

    哦,對了那裡,就是這個位。

  • - You can only supplement your personality so much, Linda.

    你的個性只能有限地填補的,琳達。

  • You have needs.

    你有需要的。

  • - You know, I don't think that my ex-husband even loved me.

    我覺得我的前夫根本不愛我。

  • I think he just liked the mask I wore

    他只喜歡我穿上面具

  • as a "happy wife."

    成為一個「快樂人妻」

  • And I'm afraid to take that mask off.

    而且我怕要除下面具。

  • Oh, Porky.

    噢,小箭。

  • I know you love me just the way I am.

    我知道你愛我的方式和我的一樣。

  • - What's under your mask, Porky?

    小箭,面具下的你是怎樣的?

  • I want to see what's under fun fur.

    我想知道有什麼收藏在皮毛下。

  • - Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

    是啊。 哦耶。

  • - Can we see what's under there?

    我可以知道皮毛下收藏什麼嗎?

  • - Come on, let me help you get it off.

    來吧,讓我幫你脫掉它。

  • [suggestive music]

    [提示性音樂]

  • [all chuckle and coo] - Oh, he's so cute.

    哦,他很可愛。

  • - You're adorable.

    你真可愛。

  • - [laughs]

    [笑]

  • - Look at those cheeks.

    看那臉頰。

  • - You know what? You have been so good to us,

    你對我們這麼好,

  • I think we should give back to you.

    我想我們應該回饋給你。

  • - Yeah. - Mm.

    是啊。 嗯。

  • - I am so ready for that, ladies.

    我準備好了,女士們。

  • [suggestive music]

    [提示性音樂]

  • Let's do this.

    我們做吧。

  • [upbeat music]

    [歡快音樂]

  • all: Kee-yah! - Hut!

    唏呀!哈!

  • all: Kee-yah!

    唏呀!

  • - Now that's what you do when the valet

    當你停車時而代客停車說

  • says your car is not nice enough to park.

    你的車不漂亮,你就跟著對他做

  • - This is not first aid!

    這不是急救課程!

  • Dinger, I'm trying to teach people skills

    迪傑,我正在教大家有用技巧

  • that will help them save their lives,

    能夠讓他們有危險時自救,

  • not just destroy other people's lives.

    不是摧毀其他人的生命。

  • - The best offense is a good defense.

    防守是最好的進攻。

  • The best defense is jumping off the wall

    由牆跳下攻擊襲擊者的大腦

  • on to your attacker's brain. - [shudders]

    就是最好的防守

  • - [yells] [thuds]

    [大喊]

  • [all groan]

    [呻吟聲]

  • - Dinger?

    迪傑?

  • Dinger?

    迪傑?

  • He's dislocated his shoulder.

    他的肩胛脫臼了。

  • Lori, get me a pillow. Ella, call 911.

    洛瑞,給我枕頭。艾拉,報警。

  • Car wash guys, hold his body,

    洗車傢伙,抓緊他的身體,

  • I'm gonna snap his shoulder back in its socket.

    我會幫他托臼回到原來位置。

  • One, two-- [bones crack]

    一,二⋯

  • - [screams]

    [大叫]

  • - Oh.

    噢。

  • [amazed gasps]

    [驚訝的喘息]

  • - How'd you know to do all that?

    你怎麼懂得這樣做?

  • - Have you been here for the last hour?

    你過去一小時有留心嗎?

  • - Do you any idea how humiliating it is

    你可想到不能搭飛機

  • to not be able to ride a plane?

    有多侮辱嗎?

  • If you invite me to Paris,

    如果你邀請我去巴黎,

  • I have to leave six months in advance

    我要提前半年離家

  • to go through the Panama Canal.

    花時間跨越巴拿馬運河。

  • - Ohh... - Baby...

    哦⋯寶貝⋯

  • - Honey, it's okay. - Everyone makes mistakes.

    親愛的,沒關係。 每個人都會犯錯。

  • You are a human being.

    你都是一個人。

  • - I thought you were a "sexual dynamo."

    我以為你是個性愛大師。

  • - I'm not, Pete!

    我才不是,皮特。

  • Moms...

    媽媽們⋯

  • I have a confession.

    我要懺悔。

  • I thought this whole thing was leading to

    我以為事情繼續發展下去會變成

  • the best orgy of my life-- - [clears throat]

    我生命中最好的群交體驗⋯

  • - Okay, the only orgy of my life.

    好了,我生命中唯一群交體驗⋯

  • - Aww.

    噢。

  • - You thought you had a chance with us?

    你以為你有機會搭上我們嗎?

  • - That's so cute. [chuckles]

    那真可愛。

  • - Honestly, I would choose him before you.

    老實說,我會選擇他不選你。

  • - [chuckles]

    [笑]