- My own personal hell is cleaning all these balls

-我受不了的是清理這些球

and not being able to say all the awesome ball jokes I have in my head.

還不讓我講腦中所有關於球的超讚笑話

- Huh? Let 'em fly. We're friends.

-蛤？你說說看啊，我們是朋友耶

- [groans] We're work friends. - What do you mean?

-(呻吟)我們只是工作上的夥伴 -什麼意思？

- Well, if you were my real friend,

-呃，如果妳是我真正的朋友

I would say, "Hey, do you want to see my balls?"

我就會跟妳說：「嘿，妳想看我下面那兩顆嗎？」

And then I would show you my real balls as a misdirect.

然後我就會拿出球池裡的球，然後跟妳說開個玩笑啦

- [chuckling] - You know?

-(笑) -妳懂我意思吼？

But I can't because we're not real friends

但我不能這樣做，因為我們還不是真正的朋友

and you would file an HR report.

而且妳還得寫份人力報表給我 (譯註: HR即human resource之縮寫，指人力資源)

- Okay, so, then, let's be real friends.

-呃，那這樣的話，好啊，那我們就當真正的朋友吧

- I'm not sure that you could keep up.

-我不確定妳是否有能耐堅持下去

- Come on! Look, you're giving me these.

-拜託啦，你看，你都給我看這兩顆了

Eh? - Okay, good start.

怎麼樣？ -唉唷，這麼快就進入狀況啦

But, if you want to be my real friend,

但是如果妳想當我真正的朋友

you're gonna have to follow the application process

妳得遵照申請流程，就跟

like everybody else.

其他人一樣

- Okay.

-好喔

Cleaning's done. Let's do this.

打掃完成啦，開始吧

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- [man singing] This is America

- (男聲) 這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想的發源之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能高高在上

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

- (女聲) 你錯了，你明知道自己被困在這裡

'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

因為你只是個實習工讀生，耶~

- [man singing] You can do anything

- (男聲) 想做什麼都隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- (女聲) 前提是不要太難

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- (男聲) 想去哪玩也隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- (女聲) 前提是你得有車

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- (男聲) 你就能坐擁天下

- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

- (女聲) 拜託，你以為你是誰？

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

- (男聲) 實習工讀生是一種詛咒

With full-time dreams

雖然你充滿夢想

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

但薪水就跟表面看起來一樣的糟

Bad as it seems

一樣糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你到底是吃錯什麼藥？

Whoa

哇喔

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

到底為什麼要來這裡啊？

Oh

喔~

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

兄弟，認真的嗎？ -你到底在這裡做什麼啊？

[funky music]

(怪奇音樂)

- So, Ella, my Director Of Friendship, Anton,

-怎麼樣，艾拉，我的友情把關負責人，小安

will be happy to start your interview.

會很樂意為妳進行面試

- So, uh, here's my application.

-好喔，呃，這是我的申請書

- Oh, I see you've listed me as a reference?

-喔，妳竟然把我列為推薦人啊？

- Yes, uh, we've lived together, we've worked together.

-沒錯，呃，我們住在一起過、也一起工作過

- [clicks tongue] Smart, but,

-(彈舌聲) 聰明喔，不過啊

let's see what your reference has to say.

我們還是得看看妳的推薦人說了啥

Ian, your phone? - Oh, yeah.

伊恩，借我你的手機 -喔，對吼

[cell phone vibrates] - Oh, uh, sorry, guys.

(手機震動聲) -喔，呃，不好意思，各位

I got to take this.

我接個電話

Hello?

哈囉

Hi. Anton?

嗨，是小安嗎？

Yeah, it's me.

沒錯，我就是

Oh, hey, what's up, man?

喔，嘿，近來還好嗎？

Uh, yeah, so I'm calling about a reference for an Ella.

呃，是這樣的啦，艾拉說你是她的推薦人啊？

Oh, yeah, she's cool. She works with me.

喔，對啊，她人滿不賴的，我和她一起共事過

Oh, nice, is she fun?

喔，那不錯啊，她人有趣嗎？

Yeah, she came up with this idea

那當然，她想出了叫我自己打電話

for me to call myself.

給我自己這個點子

Yourself? [laughs]

打給你自己？ (笑)

Oh, my God, that is crazy fun.

天啊，這也太白痴了吧

Well, uh, I think I got everything I need here.

好啦，呃，我想我該了解的東西都知道了

So, uh...

所以，呃...

All right, well...

好喔，那...

love you.

愛你喔

Don't make me say it.

不要害我啦

There are people around. We talked about this.

這裡還有其他人耶 / 你在說什麼啊

You know how much it would mean to me.

你明知道這對我來說多重要

Fine.

好啦

[rushed] I love you too.

(急促講完) 我也愛你啦

All right, guys, well, she checks out.

好啦，二位，她這關過了

So, uh, let's move on to the next phase.

那我們就進下一關吧

- Ha! Sweet. - All right.

-哈！讚啦 -好喔

[game beeping, clanging]

(電玩遊戲聲)

- [sighs] This is worse than I thought.

-(嘆氣) 這比我想像中還要糟糕

You know the best way to fix a clogged drain?

妳知道清理阻塞水管最好的辦法是什麼嗎？

- Put more stuff down there

-塞更多的東西到裡面

to push the clog out the other end.

讓阻塞物從另一邊跑出來

- No, take out all the pipes and start from scratch.

-才不是，是把所有水管都拔出來，一個一個抓出阻塞物

- You could just pour baking powder and vinegar down there.

-你們可以放一些發粉和醋下去就好了啊

- STay out of this, Pete. - Yeah, we got thi--

-你滾開啦，皮特 -對啊，我們都...

- Oh. [chuckles] I know. Weird, right?

-喔 (笑) 我知道，很奇怪，對吧？

I got cast in the school play and I'm going method!

我在學校話劇成為選派演員，我打算採用方法演技來表演 (譯註: method acting是令演員完全融入角色中的表演方式，除了演員本人的性格之外，也要創造角色本身的性格及生活，務求寫實地演繹角色)

I'm becoming my character, Father Time.

我決定要扮演「時間老人」

[both laugh]

(兩人笑了)

- I'm sure Father Time's balls have dropped

我很確定時間老人已經轉大人了 (譯註: balls drop指的是男孩進入青春期之後的轉變，源自男人在進入青春期後睪丸會向下垂，故稱之，而drop balls是指犯錯或失誤)

total miscast.

完全錯角了好嗎？

- You're not gonna take that, right?

-你不會真的想演這個角色吧？

- Who said that? - I did, ya Nancy boy.

-是誰在說話？ -就是我，娘娘腔

- But you're my-- - Beard and I'm laundered.

-可你是我的... -沒錯，鬍鬚，而且我被洗過了喔

- [screams]

- (尖叫)

Get off my face! Get off my face!

從我臉上滾開，從我臉上滾開

- Calm down, kid, I'm the best thing

-冷靜點，孩子，我可是你臉上能

that could happen to your face.

長出來的最棒東西

How many times have you been shoved into a locker

你之前被塞進置物櫃或被丟進球池

or drowned in a ball pit? Hm? - A lot.

幾次了啊，恩？ -數不清吧

- Yeah, then, stick with me and you'll finally get

-是不是，這樣的話你最好跟著我，你會得到

some respect. Now go show 'em who's boss!

基本的尊重，你現在就過去告訴他們誰才是老大！

- Hey!

-嘿！

I said use vinegar and baking soda.

我說，叫你們用醋跟發粉

It's right there.

就在那裡

[water running]

(水流通的聲音)

It worked. - That was good advice, Pappi.

真的有效耶 -謝你的建議啦，「老爸」 (譯註: pappi為美國俚語中稱呼父親的用法，此外女生也會以此稱呼其男友或男性友人)

- Yeah, and that's not the half of it.

-廢話！等一下我還沒講完

You know, you kids are always--

你們這群死小孩真的是很...

- Wait! I want to hear everything,

-等等，你說的任何話都好有用

let me go get my notebook. - I'll get my listening cap.

我要去拿我的筆記本 -我去拿我的傾聽帽

- Told ya.

-就跟你說了吧

- All right, now we're gonna do a trial run

-好啦，我們接下來要進行小測試

of some genuine hang out time between the two of you.

讓你們兩個真正相處一段時間

Don't acknowledge me, I'll just be back here observing.

別管我啦，我就站在一旁偷偷觀察你們而已

- Okay, then. Ha.

-好喔，那..哈哈

[sighs]

(嘆氣)

Uh...

呃...

It's hard to be my real self when I'm being oberved.

被人觀察的時候還滿難表現自我的說...

- Oh, oh, that's great. Yeah, confide in each other.

-喔，喔，那這樣很棒啊，來吧，向對方互吐心聲

No, I mean-- why can't we just hang out

不是啦，我的意思是說，為什麼我們不能像

like normal people?

一般人一樣正常相處？

- That's because a couple years ago,

-這是因為好幾年前

I tried to be real friends with a coworker

我試著和一位同事成為真正的朋友

and it was going well,

一開始是滿不錯的

until they found this.

直到他發現這個...

I'm a huge Carly Rae fan

我是卡莉·蕾的頭號粉絲

and I have been for a long, long, long time.

隨後我有好長好長一段時間

It's a great source of shame.

讓我覺得還滿丟臉的

- [whispers] Yeah.

-(低語) 對啊

- Hey, man, I get it.

-嘿，老兄，這我懂的

You know? We all have a thing.

坦白說，其實我也一樣

- Really?

-真的嗎？

- This scar is where my sixth toe used to be.

-我腳的第6根指頭上有這道疤痕

- What? - But now I keep it here.

-什麼鬼？ -但我現在把它放在這

- Oh! [laughs]

-喔！(笑)

- Is that real? - Oh, gross, it is real!

-這是真的嗎？ -喔，噁心耶，這是真的

- Dude, can we just focus on the real

-老兄，能不能把焦點回到該被注意的人

task at hand which is...me. - Oh.

身上 — 我... -喔

- I'm sorry, Ian, that was very unprofessional.

-歹勢啦，伊恩，這樣確實滿不專業的

- Right.

-廢話

Ella, your story, and this toe,

艾拉，妳的故事還有這個指頭

are really, really cool.

真的是非常非常酷

- You two are relating so beautifully,

-你們兩個還真的是臭氣相投 (譯註: 臭氣相投並不總是運用在貶的意思，臭味一詞，古人常當作一般氣味的意思，是中性的詞彙，也常用於比喻同類的人或事物，並無負面的意思)

do you think we should... you know, make it official?

你們認為是不是應該...讓這段友誼關係正式建立了呢？

[hopeful music]

(充滿希望的音樂)

- Sure. - Aah.

-當然 -啊~

- Congratulations. You two are now officially

-恭喜啦，你倆現在正式成為

real best friends. - Yes!

真正的好朋友了 -太好了

- All right. - So excited.

-讚啦 -太爽了

- Dude, this is so perfect because I have

-老兄，這真的是太讚了，因為我也有

a super-cool scar too. - Oh, whip it out.

一個超級酷的疤痕 -喔，快秀給我看

- Yeah, yeah, check it out.

-好喔好喔，妳看

So a couple years ago, Anton dared me

好幾年前，小安跟我打賭

to swallow a lizard whole and then I did

把一整隻蜥蜴吞下去，我照做之後

and then it got stuck in my throat.

牠竟然卡在我的喉嚨裡

- Wait, what? - Yeah, yeah, then like a doctor

-蛤，你在開玩笑嗎？ -妳沒看錯啦，就好像

performed an emergency tracheotomy

醫生幫我做了緊急氣管切開術似的 (譯註: tracheotomy簡稱「氣切」，是將氣管軟骨之間做橫向切開以建立人工呼吸道的一種手術)

and ripped that sucker right outta there.

把氣管扯出來一樣

[laughs]

(笑)

[sighs]

(嘆氣)

- I want my toe back now.

-你現在就把我的指頭還給我

- What?

-妳說什麼？

- Give me my toe back.

-把我的指頭還給我

- And I believe we can be making twice as much money

-我相信啊，只要羅莉願意採用奈許的經濟理論

if Lori just applied Nash's theory of economics

就可以讓我們的披薩銷售業績

to our pizza orders.

變成2倍

- Wow, Pete, you're such a sage.

-哇，皮特，你還真是個聖人啊

- Yeah, this is a big day for the listening cap.

-對啊，真是慶幸我今天有戴這頂傾聽帽呢

- [indistinct whispers]

-(朦朧低語聲)

- Uh, too bad your listening cap isn't a thinking cap,

-哼，可惜你戴的是傾聽帽，不是思考帽

you big ginger galoot. - Pete.

你這個皮膚慘白又滿是雀斑的紅頭毛大呆子 -皮特 (譯註: ginger除了解釋成薑，還可指皮膚慘白、紅頭髮但臉上都是雀斑的人)

- [indistinct whispers]

-(朦朧低語聲)

- Why don't you stick your braid where the sun don't shine,

-我說妳啊，怎麼不把那辮子綁起來，藏到他人看不見之處 (譯註: where the sun don't shine為一美國俚語，句中助動詞固定用don't而非doesn't)

huh, sweetheart? - Why you being so mean?

蛤，甜心？ -你怎麼突然變得這麼沒禮貌啊？

- I've got a beard now, bitch,

-老子現在可是有鬍子了耶，渾蛋

and it's longer and grayer than yours.

而且還比你的鬍子來得長、來得灰

- Come on, Dinger, let's go clean somewhere else.

-我們走吧，丁格，我們去別的地方，免得在這惹人嫌

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

-喔，別別別別別

You two stay here, I'm gonna go take a nap

你們倆就待在這，我要來去球池

in the ball pit, wake me when "Judge Judy"'s on.

睡午覺了，「茱蒂法官」開始演的時候記得再叫醒我 (譯註: Judge Judy為一美國法庭實境秀，自1996年開播至今)

- Give it back. - But the lizard lived

-還給我 -我說真的，蜥蜴真的還活著

and it had lots of babies and then those babies

牠還生了很多小寶寶，而這些小寶寶

had more lizard babies, I'm basically lizard Moses.

又再生更多小寶寶，我根本就快要當這些蜥蜴的老祖公了

- You got what you wanted, okay?

-你已經得到你想要了，不然還想怎樣？

We're not real friends, just work friends.

我們不是真正的朋友，不過只是工作夥伴罷了

Now give me my toe back! - No!

你現在快把腳指頭還給我！ -不要！

I want to be real friends.

我想和妳成為真正的好朋友

You know-- remember back in the day

妳還記得...我們坐在球池旁

when we thought balls were funny?

說著關於球的笑話是多麼開心的嗎？

- Balls are pretty funny.

-球球真的粉好玩

- You swallowed a lizard on a dare!

-你亂跟別人打賭吞了一隻蜥蜴耶！

- What's your big deal with lizards?

-我吞蜥蜴到底有什麼大不了的嘛？

- Lizards are super important to me.

-蜥蜴對我來講很重要

Back on the commune I could never have dogs,

你知道我回到家的時候，都不是狗狗在陪伴我

but I always had lizards.

是蜥蜴陪我度過孤獨的時光

- That wasn't on her application.

-她申請書上沒寫到這條

- I'm sorry, Ian, it's over.

-我很遺憾，但一切都結束了

- No, no, no, please, please, just...

-不要，拜託妳，妳...

give me one more chance. I'll do anything.

可以再給我一次機會嗎？我願意做任何事

- Okay, we can be real friends if you promise

-那好吧，只要你保證從此你會善待蜥蜴

to make it right with all lizards.

我就和你當好朋友

- Okay, I'll donate to the... Lizard Foundation.

-好吧，我會捐點錢給...蜥蜴基金會

- And you agree to never harm another lizard.

-你答應再也不傷害蜥蜴了？

- Done. - And you'll tattoo a lizard

-好 -而且你會在你的奶頭上

over your boob so you never forget.

繡一隻蜥蜴，以示警惕？

- Yes--wait, a tattoo? - This is awesome.

-好哦...等一下，刺青？ -這太妙了

This is how all friendships should start.

所有美好的友誼從刺繡開始

I'll need a pen, needle, and a lighter.

我需要一枝筆、針還有打火機

I'll be right back. [slaps butt]

我馬上回來 (打屁股)

- I told you not to mess with my Pete.

-我不是跟你們講過不要欺負皮特嗎？

- It wasn't us. - It's that beard.

-又不是我們 -是那道鬍子

He's a totally different person.

他現在整個人都變了

- Hey, gramps,

-嘿，老頭子

how 'bout you stop using my ball pit as a Turkish bath

跟你談個條件，停止你的蒸氣浴，離開我的球池 (譯註: Turkish bath是源自土耳其地區的一種洗浴方式，主要在公共浴場進行，是蒸汽浴的一種)

and start doing the thing I'm paying you for?

然後做一件事，我付錢給你好嗎？

- Listen, I'm glad you're here Lor,

-聽著，我是很高興你來這啦，小羅

Can we talk about my 401K? Mm-kay?

但咱們可以談一下我的退休福利計劃嗎？恩，好不好呢？ (譯註: 401K是美國於1981年創立的一種延後課稅的退休金帳戶計畫，因美國政府將相關規定明訂在國稅法第401(k)條中，故簡稱為401(k)計劃)

- You're a part-time employee, you don't get a 401k.

-你只是個兼職工讀生，你哪來的退休福利計劃？

And after this, you're lucky to get a paycheck for today.

不過呢，你今天可以先拿到一筆薪水，不賴吧？

- Jeez, you're a mouthy broad.

-我的天啊，妳還真是個信口開河的女人 (譯註: broad當名詞時可以解釋成女人，為美式英文口語用法，但多具貶義)

- Excuse me?

-你剛剛講什麼？

Okay, no paycheck and I'm calling your parents.

那好吧，薪水你別想拿到了，而且我會叫你爸媽來

Mm-kay? - No! No!

很棒吼？ -別，別！

Lori, you can't call my parents.

羅莉，妳千萬不能叫我爸媽來

They'll ground me and then I can't do the play.

他們會罰我禁足，這樣我就不能參加話劇演出了

- Too late. - No! Please!

-太遲了 -拜託，不要！

Lori, no! Please! - Stop begging.

羅莉，拜託不要！ -不要那麼楚楚可憐好嗎？

Be a man and quit this place. You don't need them.

當個男子漢，告訴她你不幹了，說你根本就不稀罕

- I can't. This is my job.

-我做不到，這是我的工作

- You call this a job? My grandpa works harder

-你說這是工作？我阿公以前也是很努力打拚

and he's a toupee.

但到頭來它也不過只是一頂假髮

You'll never amount to anything, boy.

你就是一輩子注定沒有出息的人了，孩子

- You're not a good beard, you're an evil beard.

-你根本就不是個好鬍子，你是惡魔

- Screw you! - [grunts]

-去你媽的！ -(咕噥聲)

[both grunting]

(雙方發出咕噥聲)

- What the hell?

-是在演哪一齣八點檔啦？

- Lori! Help!

-羅莉，救我！

- Don't trust him, he's a method actor.

-別理他，他只是一個方法派演員

[tattoo machine buzzing] - [whimpering]

(紋身機器發出聲音) -(哀嚎)

[screams]

(慘叫)

- I haven't even touched you. - I know,

-我根本就還沒碰到你 -我知道

but I'm having sympathy pains for my future self.

可是我怕以後身體會出現交感疼痛啊

- Deep breaths, buddy. - No. No.

-深呼吸，兄弟 -不要，不要

[tattoo machine buzzing] Oh, holy mother[bleep],

(紋身機器發出聲音) -喔，x你媽的

[bleep], son of a [bleep] [bleep].

(髒話)，他媽的王八蛋

Oh, [bleep], [bleep].

喔，(髒話)

[groaning, whimpering]

(呻吟哀號聲)

[repetitive beeping]

(嗶聲一直重複)

[beeping stops] [crashes]

(嗶聲停止) (掉落聲)

- All right. - No, no, no, no, no!

-乖一點 -不不不，住手

Okay, okay, okay, I can't do this anymore!

好啦好啦，我真的做不到

You win! Okay? We'll just be work friends.

妳贏了好嗎？我們就只是工作上的夥伴

- Yeah, right. Probably for the best.

-唉，那好吧，或許這對我倆都好 (譯註: for the best是指雖然表面上結果不盡人意，但或許這樣的結果對雙方都好)

So there's one problem, because...

那還有一個問題，那就是...

you already know all about my sixth toe,

你已經知道我有第6根腳趾頭了