[upbeat music in headphones]

(戴著耳機聽音樂)

- [singing] 'Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby

- (唱歌) 因為我就是對妳這麼這麼地著迷，寶貝

You're gonna drop, drop--

而妳將會落入我...

- Uh, hi. Excuse me.

-呃，嗨，不好意思

I wasn't expecting to see Porky here.

真沒想到會在這裡遇見小箭豬

Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

呃，不好意思打擾到你

we just can't seem to find the bathroom.

我們好像找不到洗手間的位置

- Oh. You come here a lot?

-喔，你們很常來這裡光顧嗎？

- Uh, just when my son has a birthday.

-呃，剛好是我兒子生日才來這裡

- Oh, right on. Well...

-喔，太好了，恩...

I'm here all the time. [chuckles]

我每天都會在這裡喔 (笑)

Uh, listen,

呃，聽著

I know a way to make your son's birthday

我知道有個方法可以讓妳兒子的生日

the best ever.

永生難忘

- Sounds great.

-聽起來滿不錯的

- Yeah, you can give him the gift

-對啊，妳可以給他一個

he's been desperately wanting.

他一直以來很想要的禮物

- What's that?

-是什麼？

- A father-figure. - Excuse me?

-一位爸爸啊 -你在胡說什麼？

- You can I can get together and we can give him back

-就趁著他還沒長大之前，妳跟我在一起

his childhood before it's too late.

就可以給他該有的童年啊

What do you say, sport?

你覺得怎麼樣啊，老兄？

How would you like Porky to be your dad, huh?

你想不想要小箭豬變成你的爸爸啊？

[groans, gasping]

(呻吟+喘息聲)

- Good job, Davey, that was definitely

-做得好，戴維，這絕對就是

"stranger danger."

「危險的陌生人」

- [choking] Wait! Wait!

- (喘不過氣) 等一下，等一下！

- Oh, my God!

-喔，我的天啊！

Ian, are you okay?

伊恩，你還好嗎？

[both grunt]

(呼嚕聲)

- [panting] No, Mads, I'm not okay.

- (喘氣) 我當然有事，麥姿

I've totally lost my Mom Game.

我不能再隨便勾搭上人家的母親了

[upbeat music]

(俏皮音樂)

- This is America

- 這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想的發源之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能高高在上

- Not you, though

- 你錯了，你明知道

- You're stuck here

- 自己被困在這裡

- 'Cause you're a part-timer

- 因為你只是個實習工讀生

- Yeah!

- 耶~

- You can do anything

- 想做什麼都隨心所欲

- As long it's not hard

- 前提是不要太難

- And you can go anywhere

- 想去哪玩也隨心所欲

- As soon as you get a car

- 前提是你得有車

- You're gonna be a huge success

- 你就能坐擁天下

- Come on, that's not who you are

- 拜託，你以為你是誰？

- You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams

- 實習工讀生是一種詛咒，雖然你充滿夢想

And this low-paying job

但薪水就跟表面

Is as bad as it seems

看起來一樣的糟

Bad as it seems

一樣糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你到底是吃錯什麼藥？

Whoa

哇喔

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

到底是為什麼要來這裡啊？

Oh

喔~

But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?

- 兄弟，認真的嗎？ -你到底在這裡做什麼啊？

[creaks]

(搖晃聲)

[crashes]

(掉落碎裂聲)

- Just sit down and relax.

-你先坐下來然後冷靜

- You know, girls used to fall for me

-妳知道嗎，女生通常都會愛上我

and see me as husband material.

覺得我以後會是個好老公

Now they don't even see me as step-dad material.

但現在竟然連好繼父也稱不上了

Somewhere I've just lost my special lady touch.

真不知道我是什麼時候失去吸引女人的特殊能力 (譯註: touch也有「才能」的意思)

- Here, let me help.

-來，讓我來幫你吧

- What are you doing? What--

-妳是要做什麼？什麼鬼...？

[grunts]

(呼嚕聲)

- You're much more attractive when you're not talking.

-你不說話的時候還反而比較有魅力呢

[upbeat music]

(俏皮音樂)

- You're just telling me this now?

-妳現在才在跟我講這個？

What the [bleep]?

三小朋友勒... = =

[suspenseful music]

(懸疑音樂)

- Lori, Ian almost died just now.

-羅莉，伊恩剛剛差點死掉

I'm not saying that would've been a total loss,

我的意思不是說如果他們不上急救課就是損失

but I am saying you should let me teach a first aid class.

但我希望的是妳能准許我為他們上急救課

- Hurry up, Dinger.

-快一點，丁格

You don't need ten minutes for every move.

你不用每移動一步都要先想個10分鐘吧

- Lori, please!

-羅莉，拜託妳！

No one knows anything about safety around here.

這裡沒有一個人有足夠的職業安全知識

- I can hold my breath up to seven minutes

-我可以連續閉氣7分鐘

and still defend myself.

來保護自己

I'm the very image of safety.

我可是安全的化身呢

- Fine. - Yes!

-去吧 -太好了！

[suspenseful music]

(懸疑音樂)

- Got to take the load off sometime, huh?

-再忙也得稍微休息一下，是吧？

- Hm. - Yeah, me too.

-恩恩 -對啊，我也是

You know, no one ever tells you

你知道，從來都沒有人跟你說過

with kids it's just take, take, take.

當了媽以後，就得無限滿足孩子的需求

- Mm-hmm. - [sighs]

-恩哼 -(嘆氣)

[suggestive music]

(提示性音樂)

- Oh, thank you.

-喔，謝謝你

[video games beeping]

(電玩遊戲聲)

- Thank you all for attending first aid class.

-感謝今天大家都來參加急救教育課程

Just one of the many benefits we're offering

這是作為我們為這一帶條狀商業社區

our strip mall community

提供的回饋之一

and, in exchange, you guys will give us

那相對地，你們會提供免費的

free car washes, right?

洗車服務，對吧？

- We'll talk.

-我們得再商量一下

- The pretty one offered pizza?

-店裡的正妹會提供披薩給我們嗎？

- Oh, I never said that.

-喔，我可從來沒有說過這一點

- I did.

-是我說的

- You know, I wanted to switch to formula

-你知道嗎，我想改用嬰兒配方的奶粉給我的

because after six months of breastfeeding,

寶寶喝，因為過了6個月的母乳餵食期之後

I couldn't feel my nipples. - [groans]

我的乳頭就已經麻木、沒有感覺了 -(嘆息)

- Does that make me a terrible mother?

-難道這就表示我是個不稱職的母親嗎？

- Uh-huh. - You know, you're right.

-恩哼 -你知道嗎，我想你說得對

Taking care of myself will only make me a better mom.

把我自己照顧好才會讓我成為更好的母親

You know, you're a good therapist.

你知道嗎，其實你是個滿優秀的心理治療師耶

- [giggles]

-(笑)

- You know, I have a friend

-你知道我有一個朋友

who's struggling with some body image issues,

長期為身材形象的問題所惱

could I bring her over?

我可以帶她過來嗎？

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-恩哼，恩哼，恩哼

- Mads, the floor's all yours.

-來吧麥姿，接下來就交給妳了

Whoo!

嗚！

- We will have pizza at the certification ceremony,

在頒發證書的時候，我們會有披薩讓大家享用

but first, we have a three-hour lecture,

但首先，我們會有3個小時的課程

a self-reflection essay,

還要完成一篇自我省思的論文

and a multiple-choice quiz.

最後還有多重選擇題的考試呢

- Three hours? - W-w-wait.

-3....3個小時？ -等一下

Three hours buys you a lifetime of safety.

3個小時就可以換得你一生的安全耶

Plus, two full years of certification.

再說了，那可是期限有2年的證書耶

- Come on, man, let's get pizza next door.

-走吧，兄弟，我們還是去隔壁買披薩吧

You want to come?

妳要一起來嗎？

- Or, I'm prepared to show you how to

-還是說，我來示範表演一段如何用手腕

disembowel an attacker with a flick of the wrist.

攻擊來讓加害者腸破肚流？

- And I will show you how to re-embowel him

-然後我會教你們如何利用急救方法

with first aid.

來幫他縫合肚子

[cheers]

(歡呼)

- I'm going with Dinger. - Yeah! Uh-huh.

-我選擇丁格的做法 -耶，恩哼

- Whoo!

-嗚！

[all giggling]

(所有人一起笑)

- This is better than therapy.

-這真的看起來比去找治療師好太多了

- Better than chardonnay. - Ooh, Helen, you bad.

-也比喝夏多內白葡萄酒好多了 -嗚，海倫，妳壞壞呢 (譯註: Chardonnay原產於法國勃艮第，後於20世紀中葉引進中國，是目前全世界最受歡迎的葡萄酒)

[laughter]

(笑聲)

- You are so not like my ex-husband, Porky.

-小箭豬，我覺得你跟我前夫真是天壤之別

I find that a man that's not trying to fix me

我發現一個男人不試著彌補我的空虛

is incredibly appealing. - Yeah.

原來是這麼的迷人 -對啊

- Yes. - That's right.

-沒錯 -說得真對

- [giggles] - Hey, Ian--

-(笑) -嘿，伊恩...

Porky, uh,

小箭豬，呃...

Lori says we have to go to first aid class

羅莉說我們得去員工休息室

in the staff room.

上急救訓練課程

- [grunts angrily]

- (生氣地咕噥著)

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

(閃開，先去旁邊)

[groans angrily]

(生氣地嘆息著)

Forget first aid.

先別管急救課程了

I have an emergency and I need your help.

我有一件急事需要你幫忙

- Me? Oh, my God, Ian, anything.

-我嗎？喔我的天啊，伊恩，任何事我都ok

- Shh.

-安靜

- [whispers] Anything.

- (低語) 任何事

- Okay. I'm in total lust.

-好啦，就是呢，我現在慾火焚身

- Um...sorry?

-蛤，你在說什麼？

- Go in to Lori's office, get the box of red wine,

-你現在去羅莉房間，把附有內置揚聲器以及

the boom box, and the tape labeled "Love Making Mix."

貼著「雜交之愛」標籤的錄音帶的那盒紅酒拿過來

Now! - No!

現在，立刻！ -我不要！

I'm not going to help you seduce a bunch of customers!

我不能幫你勾引客人發生性關係！

Okay? I'm going to first aid.

懂了嗎？我現在要去參加急救課程

- Dude, you're an Eagle Scout,

-兄弟，你現在是鷹級童子軍

you don't need a class in first aid.

你沒那個必要去參加急救課程

You need a master class in manhood.

你需要參加的是如何培養男子氣概的進階課程

Hell, I'll give you a merit badge, okay?

這樣啦，事後我會給你一枚徽章，這樣好嗎？

- Fine, okay?

-好啦，你高興了吧？

But just to be clear, there's no orgy merit badge.

但我要先聲明，沒有任何一個獎章叫「雜交獎章」

- Pete, prepare to learn from a sexual dynamo.

-皮特，準備好向性愛大師來學習一堂課吧

And, um, by the way, when the love making starts,

還有就是，恩，順帶一提，我等一下開始做愛的時候

uh, don't look me straight in the eye.

呃，不要一直看我

You know? Keep me in the corner.

知道嗎？就睜一隻眼閉一隻眼就好

Direct eye contact's weird. Okay? Cool.

眼神直接接觸會很奇怪，好嗎？ 太好了

- Okay. Got it.

-好的，我明白了

- Elbow left! - [all grunt]

-手肘向左 -(所有人喝斥聲)

- Let sweep right! - [all grunt]

-轉向右邊！ -(所有人再喝斥)

- Now let's hear those battle cries.

-現在喊出在戰場上的那種吆喝聲吧

[all shout]

(所有人大吼)

- Now, take your wallet's back...

-現在把你們的錢包收回來

[all grunt] And then your dignity.

(吼叫) 還有你們的尊嚴

[gong crashes]

(銅鑼敲擊聲)

- Unless you never have any.

-除非你沒有尊嚴

Hey-oh! [both laugh]

嘿喔！ (笑)

- [clears throat]

- (清嗓)

St--

夠了

So, now that your attacker

好了，現在呢，加害者

is disabled, disemboweled,

不能動了、處於被開膛

and decapitated, tell someone to call 911.

被斬首的狀態，趕快找人去叫救護車

- Too late!

-太遲了！

Your attacker's syndicate is rolling up

加害者的背後組織現在可正在享受

with a taste for vengeance.

復仇的滋味，以待捲土重來

Assume your ready position. [all grunt]

擺出你的預備姿勢 (吼叫聲)

- [groans, whines]

- (呻吟聲+抱怨聲)

[suggestive music] - Oh, yeah.

(提示性音樂) -喔，沒錯

Oh, right there. That's the spot.

喔，就是那邊，就是那個點

- You can only supplement your personality so much, Linda.

-但琳達，妳能改變自己的個性也就這麼多、很夠了

You have needs.

妳也是有需求的啊

- You know, I don't think that my ex-husband even loved me.

-妳知道嗎，其實我覺得我前夫根本就不愛我

I think he just liked the mask I wore

他只喜歡戴上面具，佯裝成

as a "happy wife."

是「幸福人妻」的我

And I'm afraid to take that mask off.

我好怕哪天我把這副面具摘下來會有什麼後果

Oh, Porky.

喔，小箭豬

I know you love me just the way I am.

我知道你愛我的方式如同我愛你的方式一樣

- What's under your mask, Porky?

-面罩底下的你到底長怎麼樣啊，小箭豬？

I want to see what's under fun fur.

我想知道在這毛茸茸的頭罩下藏得是什麼

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

-對啊 -喔耶

- Can we see what's under there?

-我們能看看這底下的面容是什麼嗎？

- Come on, let me help you get it off.

-來嘛，我們幫你脫下來

[suggestive music]

(提示性音樂)

[all chuckle and coo] - Oh, he's so cute.

(笑+輕柔低語) -喔，沒想到他這麼可愛啊

- You're adorable.

-你好可愛

- [laughs]

- (笑)

- Look at those cheeks.

-看看他的雙頰

- You know what? You have been so good to us,

-你知道嗎？你對我們那麼好

I think we should give back to you.

我覺得我們該回饋你什麼才行

- Yeah. - Mm.

-對啊 -恩

- I am so ready for that, ladies.

-我早就已經迫不及待了，女士們

[suggestive music]

(提示性音樂)

Let's do this.

我們開始做吧

[upbeat music]

(俏皮音樂)

all: Kee-yah! - Hut!

所有人: 嘻啊！ -喝！

all: Kee-yah!

所有人: 嘻啊！

- Now that's what you do when the valet

-當你要停車的時候，代客泊車的人跟你說

says your car is not nice enough to park.

你的車那麼醜還想來停這，你就這麼做

- This is not first aid!

-這才不是急救課程！

Dinger, I'm trying to teach people skills

丁格，我試著要教大家一些

that will help them save their lives,

在他們遇到危險能夠自救的技巧

not just destroy other people's lives.

而不是在那邊摧毀他人的性命

- The best offense is a good defense.

-攻擊他人，就是最好的自衛守則

The best defense is jumping off the wall

從牆端跳下攻擊加害者的腦袋

on to your attacker's brain. - [shudders]

就是最好的自衛守則 - (發抖)

- [yells] [thuds]

- (大叫) (碰一聲)

[all groan]

(所有人發出呻吟)

- Dinger?

-丁格？

Dinger?

丁格？

He's dislocated his shoulder.

他的肩胛骨脫臼了

Lori, get me a pillow. Ella, call 911.

羅莉，幫我拿一塊枕頭過來，艾拉，幫忙叫救護車

Car wash guys, hold his body,

洗車的傢伙，撐住他的身體

I'm gonna snap his shoulder back in its socket.

我會把他脫臼的位置移回原狀

One, two-- [bones crack]

1, 2... (骨頭碎裂聲)

- [screams]

- (尖叫)

- Oh.

-喔

[amazed gasps]

(驚訝的喘氣聲)

- How'd you know to do all that?

-妳怎麼知道該那麼做？

- Have you been here for the last hour?

-你剛剛那一個小時都在放空嗎？

- Do you any idea how humiliating is is

-妳們知道沒辦法搭飛機

to not be able to ride a plane?

是一件多麼羞辱人的事情嗎？

If you invite me to Paris,

如果妳們邀請我去巴黎玩

I have to leave six months in advance

我還得先提前半年離開

to go through the Panama Canal.

穿越巴拿馬運河

- Ohh... - Baby...

-喔... -寶貝...

- Honey, it's okay. - Everyone makes mistakes.

-親愛的，沒關係 -每個人都會犯錯的呀

You are a human being.

你也是只是一個凡人呀

- I thought you were a "sexual dynamo."

-我還以為你是「性愛大師」勒

- I'm not, Pete!

-我才不是呢，皮特！

Moms...

媽媽們...

I have a confession.

我必須坦承

I thought this whole thing was leading to

我本來還以為事情如果繼續發展下去

the best orgy of my life-- - [clears throat]

將會是我有生以來最難忘的雜交經驗... (清嗓)

- Okay, the only orgy of my life.

-好啦，是生命中唯一一次的雜交體驗

- Aww.

-噢

- You thought you had a chance with us?

-你竟然還覺得你有機會和我們發生關係呀？

- That's so cute. [chuckles]

-想法還真天真單純呢 (笑)

- Honestly, I would choose him before you.

-說實在的啦，我還寧願選他而不是你

- [chuckles]

- (笑)

- Can we still be friends? all: Oh, of course we can.

-那我們還是好朋友嗎？ 其他人:「喔，當然啦，我們還是好朋友」

- Nope. You gonna lose that paw.

-才怪，除了你那爪子 (譯註: 因為剛剛伊恩用爪子抱女生，女生以為他是要摸她胸部，故以此回覆)

[video games beeping]

(電玩遊戲聲)

- Coming through, guys.

-借過一下，各位

- Oh, my God! Is he gonna be okay?

-我的媽媽咪啊，他這是怎麼了，還好嗎？

- Yes, thanks to my expertise.

-當然沒事啦，還不是多虧了我的專業知識

- Hey!

-嘿！

Are you the furry that tried to orgy with my wife?

你就是那個想跟我老婆雜交的毛茸茸小子，啊？

- No, it was an emotional orgy.

-不是，那只是精神層面上的雜交

[groans] [everyone gasps]