you know that I make a lot of commercial or infomercial spoofs.

該知道我戲仿不少商業廣告或電視購物。

And the reason for that is because I think...

我這樣做是因為...

..so many of these commercials are just so irritating.

這些商業廣告有夠氣人。

I mean, they're already taking away from whatever it is you're watching.

都已經毀了正在看節目的樂趣，

And, most of the time, they're not even entertaining.

還常常讓人笑不出來。

Commercials are a bunch of lies.

廣告就是一堆謊言。

The only time they tell the truth is at the very end of a commercial,

廣告只有在結尾才說實話，

when they're talking really fast and you can't even understand them anyway.

就講話超快，反正你也聽不懂。

Kind of like what I'm doing right now, I guess.

大概就像我現在這樣。

For example, you know at the end of a toy commercial...

像是玩具廣告的片尾...

..for kids where they're always like:

小孩會...

What?! Whoa!

蛤？挖嗚！

(laughter)

（笑

The Hand Shaking Double-Ball Slapping Toy does not actually talk, move, dance, teach kids how to read or really do anything that we mentioned in this commercial. Satisfaction is not guaranteed. Batteries not included.

雙球手搖玩具不言、不動、不舞、不教小孩閱讀或做這則廣告提到的任何事。滿意沒保證。電池沒有附。

Or like medicine commercials.

或藥品廣告。

They always have those quick disclaimers that have...

都有「快轉版」的免責聲明。

..all the side effects of the medicine at the very end,

快速在片尾帶過所有副作用，

and sometimes it's even worse than what the medicine's supposed to cure.

一些甚至比該藥治好的病症還可怕。

(speaking rapidly) Higasprin does not protect against HIV, STDs or PIMPs.

(快速念)Higa斯匹靈不防愛滋病毒、性病或仙人掌骨膜炎。

If you experience nausea, heartburn, headaches, vomiting, dizziness,

你會感到噁心、燒心、頭痛、嘔吐或暈眩。

loss of sight, diarrhea, gonorrhea, sangria, or even death,

失明、腹瀉、淋病、大出血(sangria為西文，此處為了與前面押韻) 甚至死亡。

contact your doctor because Higasprin may not be right for you...

聯絡醫生吧，Higa斯匹靈可能不適合你...

..and we are not liable. Batteries are not included.

我們可不負責，也不「附」電池。

But more than anything that I hate about commercials

我最討厭廣告的一點是

is probably the subliminal messaging in it.

刺激潛意識的廣告訊息。

You know, like in every shampoo commercial they use these beautiful, perfect girls

像洗髮乳廣告都祭出性感尤物，

with flawless hair using their products,

用產品呈現無瑕髮質。

Because they want to put it in the back of your head that if you use their product...

因為這可以左右你的大腦，以為使用他們的產品，

..you'll end up looking like them.

就會變得像廣告演員一樣。

I mean, come on! Would you buy a shampoo if the commercial looked like this?

喔！拜託！你會買廣告拍成這樣的洗髮乳嗎？

(woman) Oh! Water!

(女人)喔！水欸！

(woman moans)

(女人呻吟)

Hairball essences. Batteries not included.

頭毛精華(Hairball 諧音 Herbal:草本)，不附電池。

Probably. I'd still get that one.

嗯...啊她我可以。

But you get the point.

懂我重點就好。

Most commercials are just not honest,

廣告大都不誠實。

because this is what commercials would really look like if they were.

因為一變得誠實，它們的真面目就會像...

♪ trendy techno music ♪

(現代電子樂)

So cool!

好爽啊！

-What do you think he's on this time? -I don't know. Shrooms?

你覺得他又吃錯什麼藥了？－啊災，迷幻蘑菇？

Pep-C. At least it's not shrooms.

吸元氣(Pep:活力, Pepsi:百事可樂)。至少它不是迷幻蘑菇。

He drinks beer, not because it tastes good, but because all his friends do.

他喝啤酒，並非啤酒好喝，而是因為朋友們都喝。

He's quick to make decisions... that he would later regret.

他很快做出決定...但不久就後悔了。

He wakes up like a new person... that has a headache and nausea all day.

醒來時像變了個人...頭痛噁心了一整天。

He is the most average man in the world.

他是世上最平凡的人。

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer not to.

我不常喝酒，但當我喝酒，我寧可不喝。

Stay sober, my friends.

保持清醒吧，冰友！(以上仿自 Dos Equis: The Most Interesting Man In The World 啤酒廣告)

A delicious, hot, juicy 75 grams of fat. Less than 875 calories.

美味、勁辣、多汁的脂肪75克。少於875大卡。

Fries, dripping with oil and probably some sweat from the guy cooking them.

油膩膩的薯條，說不定還沾上了員工的香汗。

And a 32 ounce cup of soda that could be enough for a family in Africa.

加上一杯32盎司的汽水，都足以給非洲的一家子享用。

You'll feel so full, you won't even want to move.

你會吃到撐飽，動都不想動。

Thanks to the all new Angus cheddar cheese Big Whopamac Meal Burger.

多虧安格斯牛肉切達起司「激憤大麥克」。(Whopa:亢奮/ Big Mac:大麥克)

We know you'll be back soon...

我們肯定你會再度光臨...

because we forgot to give you half your order.

因為我們忘了上你另一半的餐點了。

(hums McDonald's jingle) That's copyrighted!

(麥當勞主題曲) <3版權所有。(<3表示愛心)

With nearly ten miles per gallon, a whopping 145 different horse powers,

每十英里一加侖的耗油、強大又特殊的145馬力輸出。

equipped with a neighborhood waking exhaust system,

配備吵醒鄰居的排氣系統，

and a working engine light that will come on for no reason,

和莫名就亮起來的引擎燈。

all backed by our one month warranty that you're gonna need.

保固期有一個月，你絕對會用上。

The all new, used, 2004, 3 wheel drive, four door, H-150 with a hemi-roid. By Getta.

全新、二手、2004年製、三輪驅動、四門、H-150型號、hemi引擎， Getta呈現。

Just Getta car.

Getta，唯一首選。(雙關get a cat:去買輛車)

Hello, I'm the spokesperson for GEICO Insurance.

嗨，我是蓋可(政府雇員)保險公司的發言人。(GEICO 諧音 gecko:壁虎)

Or should I say "Spokesgecko"? (fake laughter)

或我該說「壁虎發言人」？（該公司的吉祥物即為壁虎）(裝笑)

I've nothing to do with car insurance, or comedy for that matter.

關於這點，我跟汽車保險或喜劇扯不上什麼關係。

In fact, I think the only reason why I'm here is because the comedy name is similar to Gecko.

老實說，我在這裡只因喜劇的名字聽來像壁虎罷了。(此處應該指 Gekko and the Super Ninjalinos)

Seems quite lazy if you ask me.

我這樣感覺好懶。

Gecko. In 15 minutes, you could spend 15 percent more time...

壁虎保險。只要15分鐘就完成投保，大概

.. than we did writing this commercial.

比我們寫這廣告的時間還多出15% (仿造蓋可保險著名標語:15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.)

Do you need cash now?

您急缺現金嗎？

Are you running low on funds?

資金見底了嗎？

Well, thanks to Cash-2-Gold, you can now send us your gold.

別慌！有了「金條換現金」，你就可以把金條送我們...

Do it.

楞著幹嘛？

Cash-2-Gold: We're a real business.. (breaks into laughter)

「金條換現金」，誠信不騙。（笑爛）

I'm sorry. Charlie, I can't do this one, man!

拍謝啦查理，這我說不出口啦！

(Charlie) Just read the lines!

給我唸台詞！

-I'm not going to do this one! -(Charlie) Just do the damn voice over, dammit!

我死都不會唸的！－該死！你快點唸就對了！

-You're stealing from old people. -(Charlie) Don't you point at me.

你這樣是拐騙老人家－別指著我。

-(Charlie) Don't you dare point at me again. -Charlie, don't come over here.

你再指著我試試看！－喂查理，別過來啊！

(Charlie) Don't you point at me! I'll bite that finger!

你還敢指著我！我會咬爛你那根手指！

Ch-Charlie! OWCH! Charlie! Owwwwww.

喔查理！唉呦！查理！啊啊喔。

What's great about the iPhone?

iPhone好在哪裡？

You can do this. And this.

你可以這樣，和這樣。

And this. And thi-...

這樣，和...

And th-...and you can...hold on.

和...你可以...等等。

[dialogue inaudible] Hey!

嘿！

Oh, oh. Uh-oh. OH! The f*ck?!

喔！喔！嘿！乾！

Introducing the new iPhone: it's okay if you drop it

新iPhone問世：不小心摔到也沒關係，

because the next one's probably coming out a month after you get this one.

因為買了這支，新款大概過一個月就發表了。

With Bouncy's new rip-in-halfs, there's now 100 percent more sheets per roll!

有了Bouncy兩瓣式的新紙巾，每卷將多出一倍的紙張量！

Because you can now take a half sheet instead of a full one.

因為不用撕滿一張紙，您只要撕半片即可！

Because when you're at your worst, Bouncey is like a purse.

當你陷入低谷，Bouncy就像一只囊袋。

You know, cuz' it holds things in it and picks stuff up and--and--

欸...呃因為它能容納和收拾您的物品...也能...

Charlie! This one doesn't make sense either, man!

嘿查理！這台詞說不通啊！

(Charlie) Just f*cking do it.

他X的唸就對了！

(Charlie) I'm sick of this sh*t. I'm quittin' this job soon.

我受夠了！以後不幹了！

(Charlie) I don't f*cking want to deal with this (beep).

才不想幹這種鳥事！

Alright, so maybe I exaggerated some of these.

好吧，我可能有點誇大。

Anyway, thank you guys so much for watching.

總之，謝謝大家捧場啦！

I know I haven't done one of these type of rants or Off The Pill type of things,

唉我沒做過這類打抱不平或歇斯底里的東西。

you know, where I get really upset about something and talk about it really fast.

我那時真的很不爽，講話也跟著變快。

I just hate to see people getting tricked.

我真的不忍心看到人們被敲詐，

I hate when people are not honest.

恨死不誠實的人。

And commercials are just the worst thing I could think of--

而我真想不到有什麼比廣告還要邪惡的...

Bobbleheads! Higatv.

搖頭公仔！Higatv

Bobbleheads! New shirts.

搖頭公仔！新衣上市！

B-B-Bobbleheads! Wristbands in different colors.

搖頭公仔！五顏六色的手環！

Bobbleheads!

搖頭公仔！　

That's not my merch.

那不是我的商品。

Higatv. Buy. BUY NOW. Buy now. B-B-Bobble...

Higatv. 買！買！都買！搖頭...

Buy now!

立即購買！

Do it.

買啊！

Tee-hee!

嘻嘻！