So, I met this girl online on a dating site and we decided to have a meet up for a first date.

我在一個約會網站遇到這個女孩而我們決定要進行第一次的約會。

And it went terrible.

情況可以說是糟透了。

She drove me back to my place and I just wanted to leave, but she was like, "You know, I really gotta use the bathroom. Can I use your bathroom?"

她開車載我回家，而我想做的只有離開，但她一直說「我真的需要上廁所。能不能借用你家廁所？」

So, she goes to use my bathroom, and I'm waiting there for a while.

所以，她用了我的廁所，而我等她等了一會。

And home girl comes out butt ass naked.

結果她光著屁股走出來。

She's just like, "What's up?"

還一臉沒事的問我怎麼了。

I'm like, "Get the hell out of my apartment. You're done, that's it, I'm not being nice anymore."

我直接把她趕出去，說我們玩完了，我不會再裝好心當好人了。

And that was the end of that.

這個故事就到這裡結束了。

When I was 15, I met a boy at a party and we went on a date to the beach, and we ate pizza, and we sat by the water.

我十五歲的時候，在派對遇到一個男孩並到一個海灘約會，我們一起吃披薩、坐在海邊。

It was so romantic.

真的超浪漫的。

And then he was driving me home and I started to feel really sick.

之後他載我回家的時候我突然非常不舒服。

Like really sick.

真的很不舒服那種。

And I was like I can hold it, I can hold it in, just get to your house. You can do it.

我告訴自己我可以的、我可以忍住，趕快開回家，我可以撐住的。

And he stopped at my gate to like punch in the gate code, and I was like nope.

他停在我家門前準備要去按我大門的密碼，我心想大事不妙。

And I opened the car door and just puked outside of the car.

我打開車門，直接往門外吐得滿地都是。

Just puked.

大吐特吐的那種。

And then closed the door, and was like, "So, anyway."

吐完後關上門假裝什麼也沒發生過。

Like he wasn't gonna notice what just happened.

他也沒打算揭穿我，睜一隻眼閉一隻眼。

He very politely dropped me off at my house and did not kiss me.

他非常有禮貌的送我進屋後，然後沒有吻我。

I met this girl through a mutual friend of ours, and I asked her if she just wanted to go out to eat.

我透過我們的共同好友認識了這個女生，然後問她要不要跟我出去用餐。

And as soon as the food got there I realized that she was like the loudest eater on earth, to the point where I was not paying attention to a single thing she was saying.

但一直到食物送來後我才發現她是世界上最吵的用餐者了，誇張到我完全無法專注聽她到底說了什麼。

And I snapped out of it for like one second, and I just blurted out, "Yeah, I agree."

好不容易回過神後，我脫口回了她一句：「是啊！我同意。」

And apparently what she had said was, "I need to lose weight."

而顯然的她剛剛說的是：「我覺得我應該要減肥。」

So, there weren't anymore dates after that one.

所以我們之間的約會就僅此一次了。

So, I was on a date with this guy and it was going pretty well.

我和一個男孩約會，情況進展的相當順利。

And then we got into like a really intense conversation.

之後我們進行了一場氣氛有點緊張的談話。

And he was talking about how he had some issues because at one point in time he had broken his penis, and it wasn't quite fixed yet.

他向我坦承他的一些問題，就是他的陰莖斷了，而且還沒有完全復原。

And I said to him, "You know, that's actually like a really big problem. You should probably get that checked out."

然後我告訴他說「這其實是一個非常嚴重的問題，你應該要去檢查一下。」

And he just look at me and he said "Yeah you know, maybe you can remind me to do it you know, tomorrow, or the next time that we meet."

他看著我然後說：「妳知道，妳可以在明天或是我們下次相見的時候提醒我。」

And I was like, "I don't think so."

我當時心裡想說這沒可能的。

And I never called him again.

然後就再也沒有聯絡過他了。

So, I really liked this girl, and it took her months to agree to go out with me on a date.

我很喜歡這個女孩，花了我好幾個月才成功約到她來場約會。

And so the date goes really well.

約會進行得相當順利。

She invites me back to her house, beautiful house.

她邀請我到她的家，非常美麗的房子。

She bakes, likes there's cookies and cakes.

她烘培各式各樣的餅乾、蛋糕。

I'm just like this is a dream.

我心想這真的是一場美夢。

This is like the best date ever.

真的是史上最棒的約會！

And out walks her sister to go to the refrigerator.

爾後看見她妹妹走到冰箱那邊。

And we briefly make eye contact, and then I realized that we made out at a party a few weeks earlier.

我們簡單的眼神接觸後，我這才發現她是我前幾週派對上搞上的那個女孩。

After making eye contact with me, they made eye contact with each other, and went to her room.

跟我眼神交流後，她們互相交換了一個眼神並回到她的房間。

They come out giggling.

她們出來後竊竊笑著。

And that was the end of my stay at their house.

這是我最後一次待在她們的家。

No kiss for ol' pizza puke breath.

有披薩氣息的人別想得到吻！