Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

已審核 字幕已審核
  • I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

    我今天在這裡想談談一個令人不安的問題

  • which has an equally disturbing answer.

    它有個同樣令人不安的答案

  • My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

    我的題目是家庭暴力的秘密

  • and the question I'm going to tackle

    我將要談到的問題

  • is the one question everyone always asks:

    每個人都在問:

  • Why does she stay?

    為什麼她要繼續留著?

  • Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

    為什麼會有人要留在打她的男人身邊?

  • I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

    我不是心理學家、社工

  • or an expert in domestic violence.

    或家庭暴力的專家

  • I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

    我只是位有個故事可說的女性

  • I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

    當年我22歲,剛從哈佛畢業

  • I had moved to New York City for my first job

    我搬到紐約進行人生第一份工作

  • as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

    是Seventeen雜誌(青少年雜誌)的作家和編輯

  • I had my first apartment,

    我擁有我第一間公寓

  • my first little green American Express card,

    第一張信用卡

  • and I had a very big secret.

    而且我個很大的秘密

  • My secret was that I had this gun

    我的秘密是,我曾經被這支槍

  • loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

    被我自認的靈魂伴侶

  • by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

    裝進中空彈並瞄準我的頭部

  • many, many times.

    很多、很多次

  • The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

    我愛這個男人勝過地球上所有的人

  • held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

    但他拿著槍抵著我的頭,威脅說要殺我

  • more times than I can even remember.

    次數多到我都數不清了

  • I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

    我在這要告訴你「瘋狂之愛」的故事

  • a psychological trap disguised as love,

    是心理的陷阱偽裝成愛

  • one that millions of women and even a few men

    讓數百萬的女性甚至一些男性

  • fall into every year.

    年年陷入不可自拔

  • It may even be your story.

    這甚至可能也是你的故事

  • I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

    我看起來不像一位典型的家暴生還者

  • I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

    我擁有哈佛大學英文系的學士學位

  • an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

    華頓商學院的商業管理碩士學位

  • I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

    我幾乎都在世界前500大的公司工作

  • including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

    包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報

  • I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

    我嫁給我第二任丈夫已快20年了

  • and we have three kids together.

    我們有三個小孩

  • My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

    有一隻黑拉不拉多犬我開本田Odyssey小箱型車

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So my first message for you is that domestic violence

    我要講的第一件事是

  • happens to everyone --

    家庭暴力會發生在所有人身上

  • all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

    所有種族、信仰、職業和教育程度

  • It's everywhere.

    它無所不在

  • And my second message is that everyone thinks

    而我想讓大家思考的第二件事是

  • domestic violence happens to women,

    大家都認為家庭暴力只發生在女性身上

  • that it's a women's issue.

    是件女性議題

  • Not exactly.

    其實並不然

  • Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

    超過百分之85的施暴者為男性

  • happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

    而家庭暴力只發生在親密、相互依存且長期的關係中

  • in other words, in families,

    換句話說,是在家庭內

  • the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

    是我們最不希望、或期待看到暴力的地方

  • which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

    這也是家庭暴力令人困惑的地方

  • I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

    我很想告訴你,我是世界上最不可能

  • who would stay with a man who beats me,

    在先生打我時還留在他身邊的人

  • but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

    但事實上,由於我的年紀,我是位典型的受害者

  • I was 22, and in the United States,

    我當時22歲,而在美國

  • women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

    16到24歲的女性成為家暴受害者的機率

  • to be domestic violence victims

    是其它年紀的女性的三倍

  • as women of other ages,

    是其他年紀的女性的三倍

  • and over 500 women and girls this age

    這個年齡中,美國每年有超過500位的女性

  • are killed every year by abusive partners,

    被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

  • boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

    被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害

  • I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

    我成為典型的受害者也因為

  • about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

    我對家庭暴力的警訊和模式一無所知

  • I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

    我在濕冷的一月夜晚遇見康納

  • He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

    他在紐約地下鐵坐在我旁邊

  • and he started chatting me up.

    並開始與我閒聊

  • He told me two things.

    他告訴我兩件事

  • One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

    第一,他也才剛從長春藤盟校畢業

  • and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

    他在華爾街一家極知名的銀行上班

  • But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

    但讓我在這第一次會面裡最印象深刻的是

  • was that he was smart and funny

    他很聰明且幽默

  • and he looked like a farm boy.

    他看起來很純樸

  • He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

    他有著圓通通的紅臉頰

  • and this wheat-blond hair,

    褐黃色頭髮

  • and he seemed so sweet.

    他看起來也很窩心

  • One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

    從一開始,康納做得最聰明的一件事

  • was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

    是創造出一個假象讓我成為這感情中的主導者

  • He did this especially at the beginning

    為達到這個目的,自一開始

  • by idolizing me.

    他就特別的崇拜我

  • We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

    我們開始約會,他喜歡我的一切

  • that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

    他覺得我很聰明、我讀過哈佛

  • that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

    我對於幫助青少年女性和工作都很有熱情

  • He wanted to know everything about my family

    他想知道關於我家庭的一切

  • and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

    我的童年,對未來的希望與夢想

  • Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

    身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任是所有人中前所未有的

  • in a way that no one else ever had.

    身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任是所有人中前所未有的

  • And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

    他也透過傾訴秘密創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

  • by confessing his secret,

    他也透過傾訴秘密創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍

  • which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

    他說他從很小,四歲開始

  • he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

    他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

  • by his stepfather,

    他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴

  • and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

    這情況嚴重到他在八年級時必須輟學

  • even though he was very smart,

    即使他很聰明

  • and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

    他說他花了近20年重建人生

  • Which is why that Ivy League degree

    這也是為什麼長春藤盟校

  • and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

    華爾街的工作和前程似錦的未來

  • meant so much to him.

    對他而言十分重要

  • If you had told me

    如果當時有人告訴我

  • that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

    這位聰明、幽默、體貼並愛慕我的男人

  • would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

    有一天會主宰我是否要化妝

  • how short my skirts were,

    穿多短的裙子

  • where I lived, what jobs I took,

    住哪裡、做什麼工作

  • who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

    我的朋友是誰、我要在哪過聖誕節

  • I would have laughed at you,

    我會笑你

  • because there was not a hint of violence or control

    因為從一開始康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

  • or anger in Conor at the beginning.

    因為從一開始康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象

  • I didn't know that the first stage

    我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

  • in any domestic violence relationship

    我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步

  • is to seduce and charm the victim.

    是要引誘並吸引受害者

  • I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

    我也不曉得第二步是要孤立受害者

  • Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

    康納當然沒有突然某天回家宣布

  • "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

    "嘿!這場羅密歐與茱麗葉的戀愛很棒

  • but I need to move into the next phase

    但我必須向下一步邁進

  • where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

    我必須孤立你並施暴於你"(笑聲)

  • "so I need to get you out of this apartment

    "所以我必須要讓你遷出這間公寓

  • where the neighbors can hear you scream

    因為鄰居會聽見你的尖叫

  • and out of this city where you have friends and family

    也要搬出這城市,這樣你的朋友、家人和同事

  • and coworkers who can see the bruises."

    才看不到你身上的瘀青"

  • Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

    某周五晚上康納回家後

  • and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

    告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

  • his dream job,

    告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作

  • and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

    他說他辭職是因為我的緣故

  • because I had made him feel so safe and loved

    因為我讓他感到安全並且被愛

  • that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

    他不需要再到華爾街去證明自己的能力

  • and he just wanted to get out of the city

    他只想要離開這個城市

  • and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

    遠離他暴力的、不正常的原生家庭

  • and move to a tiny town in New England

    搬到新英格蘭的小鎮

  • where he could start his life over with me by his side.

    在那裡與我一起開始他的新生活

  • Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

    當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

  • and my dream job,

    當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作

  • but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

    但我想,人會為了靈魂伴侶而做出犧牲

  • so I agreed, and I quit my job,

    所以我同意了,我辭掉我的工作

  • and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

    而康納和我一起離開曼哈頓

  • I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

    我一點也不曉得我正陷入瘋狂之愛

  • that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

    我正一頭栽進一個經過小心盤算

  • physical, financial and psychological trap.

    是身體、財務與心理的陷阱

  • The next step in the domestic violence pattern

    家庭暴力模式中的下一步

  • is to introduce the threat of violence

    是引入暴力的威脅

  • and see how she reacts.

    並觀察女性的反應

  • And here's where those guns come in.

    槍就是在這時出現的

  • As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

    當我們一搬到新英格蘭

  • that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

    一個康納應該要感到十分安全的地方

  • he bought three guns.

    他買了三把槍

  • He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

    他把一把放在車子前側的置物櫃

  • He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

    一把放在我們床上枕頭的下面

  • and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

    第三把放在口袋裡隨身攜帶

  • And he said that he needed those guns

    他說他需要這些槍

  • because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

    是因為他童年時經歷的創傷

  • He needed them to feel protected.

    他需要它們才能感到受到保護

  • But those guns were really a message for me,

    但那些槍其實對我是件警訊

  • and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

    即使他從沒對我動手

  • my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

    每時每刻,我的生命已經充滿危機

  • Conor first physically attacked me

    康納第一次對我肢體攻擊

  • five days before our wedding.

    是在婚禮前五天

  • It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

    那時是早上7點,我還穿著睡衣

  • I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

    我在電腦前工作,試著完成一份寫作的案子

  • and I got frustrated,

    我那時有些沮喪

  • and Conor used my anger as an excuse

    康納拿我的憤怒做為藉口

  • to put both of his hands around my neck

    將他雙手掐住我的頸部

  • and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

    掐得很用力以至於我不能呼吸或尖叫

  • and he used the chokehold

    他勒著我脖子

  • to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

    抓著我的頭去不斷撞牆

  • Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

    五天後,我脖子上的十隻指印已散去

  • and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

    我穿上我母親的婚紗

  • and I married him.

    嫁給了他

  • Despite what had happened,

    即使發生了那件事

  • I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

    我當時相信我們仍會過著幸福快樂的日子

  • because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

    因為我愛他,他也深愛著我

  • And he was very, very sorry.

    而且他也非常、非常後悔

  • He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

    他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

  • and by becoming a family with me.

    他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力

  • It was an isolated incident,

    這是單一個案

  • and he was never going to hurt me again.

    他不會再傷害我

  • It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

    這樣的事情在蜜月又發生了兩次

  • The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

    第一次,我正在開車找尋秘密海灘

  • and I got lost,

    我迷路了

  • and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

    他用力地揍我的側邊頭部

  • that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

    用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

  • the driver's side window.

    用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗

  • And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

    幾天之後,從蜜月開車回來時

  • he got frustrated by traffic,

    他又因為塞車而生氣

  • and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

    把冷掉的大麥克堡往我臉上丟

  • Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

    在我們接下來兩年半的婚姻中

  • for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

    康納持續的以一週一或兩次的頻率打我

  • I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

    我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

  • and alone in this situation.

    我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援

  • One in three American women

    三位美國女性的其中一位

  • experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

    在生命中會經歷過家暴或被跟蹤

  • and the CDC reports that 15 million children

    疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐1,500萬名啊

  • are abused every year, 15 million.

    疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐1,500萬名啊

  • So actually, I was in very good company.

    所以我其實並不孤單

  • Back to my question:

    回到我的問題

  • Why did I stay?

    為何我仍然留下來?

  • The answer is easy.

    答案很簡單

  • I didn't know he was abusing me.

    我並不知道他在對我施暴

  • Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

    即使他拿著那些裝上子彈的槍對著我的頭

  • pushed me down stairs,

    把我推下樓梯

  • threatened to kill our dog,

    威脅要殺我們的狗

  • pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

    在我開高速公路時把車鑰匙拔下

  • poured coffee grinds on my head

    當我正在為工作面試而打扮時

  • as I dressed for a job interview,

    把咖啡渣倒在我頭上

  • I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

    我從來不認為我是位受折磨的妻子

  • Instead, I was a very strong woman

    反而,我認為我是位堅強的女性

  • in love with a deeply troubled man,

    與一位大有問題的男人相愛

  • and I was the only person on Earth

    而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題回到正軌的人

  • who could help Conor face his demons.

    而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題回到正軌的人

  • The other question everybody asks is,

    另一個大家都會問的問題是

  • why doesn't she just leave?

    為什麼她不離開?

  • Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

    為什麼我仍留著?我隨時都可以走啊

  • To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

    對我而言,這是人們所問最令我最悲傷、痛苦的問題

  • because we victims know something you usually don't:

    因為我們受害者知道一些你們通常不了解的事:

  • It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

    離開施暴者是件非常危險的事

  • Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

    因為家暴模式中的最後一步

  • is kill her.

    是殺害被害者

  • Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

    超過百分之70的家暴謀殺案

  • happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

    發生在受害者決定結束雙方關係之後

  • after she's gotten out,

    是在她離開之後

  • because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

    因為加害者此時已無所顧忌

  • Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

    離開後另外的結果包括長期跟蹤

  • even after the abuser remarries;

    即使加害者已再婚

  • denial of financial resources;

    或斷絕財務資源

  • and manipulation of the family court system

    以及操弄家庭法庭制度

  • to terrify the victim and her children,

    讓被害者及其子女感到恐懼

  • who are regularly forced by family court judges

    因為家庭法官經常會強迫這些子女

  • to spend unsupervised time

    在沒有監控的情形下

  • with the man who beat their mother.

    與毆打他們母親的加害者共處

  • And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

    但我們仍然會問,為什麼她不離開?

  • I was able to leave,

    我最後終於離開

  • because of one final, sadistic beating

    是因為最後一場殘暴的毆打

  • that broke through my denial.

    讓我再也無法自我否認

  • I realized that the man who I loved so much

    我了解我若不採取手段

  • was going to kill me if I let him.

    這位我所深愛的男人將會殺害我

  • So I broke the silence.

    所以我打破沉默

  • I told everyone:

    我告訴所有人

  • the police, my neighbors,

    警察、鄰居

  • my friends and family, total strangers,

    朋友、家人和陌生人

  • and I'm here today because you all helped me.

    我現在之所以能在這裡,是因為你們都幫助過我

  • We tend to stereotype victims

    我們對受害者常有刻板印象

  • as grisly headlines,

    像是驚悚的頭條新聞

  • self-destructive women, damaged goods.

    自我毀滅性的女性或像被毀壞的物品

  • The question, "Why does she stay?"

    這個問題:為什麼她仍留著?

  • is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

    對某些人有這層含意:她留著是她的錯

  • as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

    好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛

  • intent upon destroying us.

    好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛

  • But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

    但自從出版《瘋狂之愛》後

  • I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

    我聽到了上百個男人或女人的故事

  • who also got out,

    他們也離開家暴

  • who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

    從這件事中學到寶貴的生命教訓