a blowjob ban in Baton Rogue or a sodomy sanction in Charlotte or a handjob hiatus in Hulamazoo-

像是巴頓魯治禁止口交、夏洛特嚴禁雞姦、胡拉馬祖不准手淫

you get the idea. And every time, I think, "they can't do that! ..Can they? Should I

你懂我的意思吧，每次我都在想「他們不能立法禁止吧？可以嗎？」

not go to Hulamazoo?" Well.... Here's the deal.

「那我不就不能去胡拉馬祖？」其實事情是這樣的

Some states have laws governing “crimes against nature” that are meant to regulate

有些州的法律列有「違反自然罪」

- and I quote, “unnatural carnal copulation by a human

目的在於規範「人與同性、異性或動物之間

with another of the same sex, opposite sex, or animal”. Those are the crazy sex laws.

違反自然的性交行為」這就是瘋狂的性愛法律

They are both creepy and problematic, because what constitutes "unnatural" is totally up

這些法律詭異又有問題，因為「違反自然」的定義完全由州政府決定

to the state.

For example, Louisiana thinks it's unnatural for people to have oral sex, but

例如路易西安那州認定口交違反自然

Kansas only thinks it's unnatural among same sex couples . Clearly there is no set answer

但堪薩斯州認為同性口交才違反自然

as to what is or isn't natural, and the states have the power to just decide whatever crazy

可見違反「自然」沒有定論，而州政府握有權力裁定何謂自然

thing they want. That's the bad news. The good news is, none of those laws really matter.

這是壞消息，好消息是這些法律都沒有效力

In 2003 the supreme court ruled that your right to sexual privacy is protected under

2003年美國最高法院裁定，性行為隱私權受到憲法第十四條修正案保護

the 14th amendment, so if what you're doing is between consenting adults and in private,

所以只要是彼此情投意合的成人，在非公共場合內做愛就沒有問題

you're all set. So bang away, cause Hulamazoo can't do a damn thing about it.

做吧做吧！胡拉馬祖可管不到你

Unless…. you're either married, in public, legally dead, or doing it with an animal.

除非你已婚、身在公共場所、死亡、或跟動物做愛

Infidelity can legally be prosecuted, in some States. In 1983, for example,

有些州法律可起訴婚外情，例如1983年

a Massachusetts woman got fined $50 for cheating on her husband. But not all states have the

麻州有名太太因為出軌遭罰款50美元，但不是每個州都能罰婚外情

power to do that, and even ones that have that law on the books are extremely unlikely

就算有這條法律的州，行使機率也小之又小

to enforce it.

Sex in public is banned everywhere we know of, but what constitutes public? Can I just

全美都禁止公共場合性行為，但「公共場合」的定義是什麼？

bang it out on my front lawn as long as no one's looking? And what about orgies? How

只要沒人看到，我就能任意在我家前院做愛嗎？那雜交派對呢？

many people does it take to make something public?

多少人在場才算公共場合？

For dead people and animals it gets even weirder. Most states

與死者或動物有關的規定就更怪了

don't have laws about the actual act of sleeping with a dead person or an animal.

大多數州未直接規範與死者或動物發生性行為

Instead, they have laws about digging up bodies and about animal cruelty, but none involving

但有挖掘屍體和虐待動物的法律，但其中都沒有提及性行為

actual sex.

It's all about consent. And no one really knows what an animal can or cannot consent

重點是取得同意，但沒人知道動物是否能行使同意權

to, or what would happen if a dead person consented before passing away.

或是在生前取得死者的同意效力為何

I'm not saying you should do any of these things, - quite the opposite, in fact - I’m

我可不是鼓勵你做這些事，剛好相反

just saying that regulating people’s sex lives is difficult, even when you’re talking

我只是說規範性行為很困難

about something that seems straight forward, like not sleeping with dead people.

就算只是「不能和死者做愛」這麼簡單的道理也一樣