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Oh hi babes! There is a sexual paradox in relationships that kind of frustrates me.
In the beginning there's the honeymoon phase, everything's wonderful and exciting and new...and
you want to have a ton of sex all the time. One or two years later though, you drift into
companionate love. Your lives are more intertwined, you're emotionally connected, you're secure,
you're comfortable. It's during this phase that people slowly start to have less sex,
and they might even find themselves becoming bored with it. I mean, you still love them
right? But you're just not quite as excited about it and people even find themselves thinking
about other people, what it would be like to sleep with someone new. It's natural because
repetition and familiarity are the exact opposite of what excites most people sexually. Novelty,
adventure, newness, mystery - this is where many people find their erotic kicks.
It’s completely normal to have less sex over time. I think we have a real problem
with pathologizing desire. If you're happy and your partner's happy then you don't have
anything to worry about. So, how does one go about getting that spice back?
The usual advice that’s shilled out is to spice things up in the bedroom. This is actually
scientifically backed. The reason we feel less excitement over time is because repetition
means less and less dopamine in the brain. This is something called “hedonic adaptation”.
You could try things like role play, introducing sex toys, talking about your fantasies, acting
out your fantasies, playing with sensations, playing with your food, tantra, that kind
of thing. But it's not just sexual stuff that can give you that same dopamine rush. People
get a rush out of all kinds of things. A beautiful view, a physically demanding activity, going
to a rock concert, traveling to a new place together. If you make a point to indulge in
things that are new and exciting and unexpected with your partner, it will help you associate
those feelings with them.
Another idea that I think is pretty effective is to break up the repetition of your relationship
with a little bit of distance and independence. Exist as a separate independent ass person!
Spending time apart is a good idea! Just enough to break the cycle. You know that old saying
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? I think that's always true! People really do
always want what they can't have.
Another idea is to try to see each other in new ways. Start a creative project together
or take a class together.
At this point in the video a guy on the trail come up to me to show me pictures of trains
and my camera slipped out of focus and I didn't catch it. Oopsie.
As I was saying.
Another way to do this is to embrace the moments where your partner is really entrenched in
something that they love. For instance, say your honey is a musician. Watching them play
for a crowd can be hot.
My last suggestion gets into some serious business. People love freedom. Freedom is
sexy. Feeling confined and stifled is not sexy. As your relationship progresses, you
may find it beneficial to talk about allowing each other more sexual freedom. The first
thing that usually comes to peoples' minds is swinging or threesomes, but that's really
just one end of the spectrum. I know a couple that allows each other to go out and dance
and flirt but no sex. It invigorates their sexual desire which they then bring back home
to each other. And yet another couple where anything goes so long as it's only 1 time,
and it doesn’t happen in their home. You can talk about what you’re comfortable with
and what you need and go from there. I think that sometimes just knowing that you have
more freedom even without acting on it is enough to make you feel more reinvigorated
again. Of course, the viability of this option depends on how you and your partner think
about sex. Rethinking the sexual boundaries of a relationship can be a scary thing! It
requires an open mind, and trust and honesty and lots of communication and A LOT of emotional
maturity. And even with all those things, it’s still not for everyone! It can bring
up feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and so forth. It requires a little bit of extra
sensitivity and delicacy, I think.
OK so obviously, all of this assumes that you actually want to be in this relationship.
It’s possible to be bored in a relationship itself, and I think that's different than
just one aspect of the relationship (like sex).
So babes I hope some of these tips are useful in some way. Before I go, two things. One,
I'm going on tour, check out the tour dates below. Number two, shout out to Audible for
supporting sex ed on youtube! If you haven't heard of them, they’re the biggest audiobooks
hub out there. In preparation for this video, I listened Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.
Really interesting exploration of couples that are dealing with this problem....I don't
know if I fully agree with some of the things that she has to say but it's certainly something
to think about. Audible is great for these kinds of books because you can listen to it
with your partner - maybe while you're making dinner or while you're cuddling in bed. They
were also kind enough to hook all of you up with a free book so you can listen to it if
you're interested. It's at audible.com/laci! That’s audible.com/l-a-c-i. Since everyone
spells my name wrong. Sending you all healthy relationship vibes! I'll see you next time.
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炒飯變無聊了嗎? (BORED WITH SEX?)

1106 分類 收藏
Andrew 發佈於 2015 年 11 月 3 日
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