It doesn't really matter if I've got time on my hands

Or if I'm really up against it. That's not quite what I have in mind now though.

Although I know it makes me sound very silly, I have a bit of a weaknees for alliteration.

I want everything citrusley sodden.

To basque in all this bronzed beauty

Often the result of a little fruitful foraging in the fridge

I always feel serene and at one with the universe when I'm surrounded by alliteration.

Maternal Meltdown, Pasta Putanesca

Super Simple Salmon Supper

No apology is ever needed for alliteration

Mmm look at these gorgeous golden globules

That are lying, lingering, languishing

My Rapid Roastini, Slut Spaghetti,

I have something of a mania for alliteration and I should stop but I can't

...for a bit of darkly delicious adornment... Korean Calamari...

...A bit of pottering in the pantry...

I relish a bit of rags to riches cooking

And now, don't laugh,

I want the searing savouriness that is supplied by soy sauce

I'm going to bed...

Pale billowing duvet... breast side up!

I could use the intense heat of a hot mexican sausage

Exotic! It's just that I like the feeling of thick sausage

Ten inches in old money - brace myself for this... in it goes!

It's a very artistic package you've got there if you don't mind my saying so!

This should keep us going for a while. Mmm - go gently!

And maybe I shouldn't say this because it's a terrible cliché

But it's true - I find it easier using my hands!

but you may use whichever implements you prefer.

Madame shouldn't have to ruin her manicure now should she!

Now the juice... and another squirt... mmm!

Gorgeous and glossy, and very satisfying it is too!

I think I just got a bit overexcited by the chicken!

My Spatchcock Poussin - still have a bit of a yen for it!

I don't know how to show what it is without getting on all fours

which I feel might be a bit undignified

Kick off my flamenco heels... inner thigh wibble...

I suppose I should feel a bit embarassed

I think you can get three people

- I don't want to cram them in too tightly. Not extra virgin here!

Now I don't blame you if you don't want to do this, and you don't have to

First a bit of oiling up... OK, it's going in!

Mmm - alll pleasure and no pain!

...and you can go here.

Well, we have a moment of glorious synchronicity

So far no mess or red explosions, 'though I shouldn't say that 'cause it's tempting fate

Perfect! It requires very little effort and gives an enormous amount of pleasure!

Right, that's done! No more dilly-dallying - so, I'm ready to party!

Everybody loves breast here, bit like the tabloids...

and they're right - they are being spoilt!

Ok, sausage - it makes me laugh every time I see it -

it's not hard, but it will firm up, because any minute now...

It's going to be covered, luxuriently,

with my summer berries! Yippee!

"That's so good" - I'm glad you like my fajatas

you want to come again I hear? "please!"

and now, I have nuts to attend to!

They are small, and that's part of their charm

Much as I love just slapping these two beauties using my hands,

I don't necessarily have the time or much energy!

The festivities are in full flow...

I can't tell you what a relief the invention of digital photography has been for me

it used to be very embarassing for me when you had to go and get your photographs developed

because I would know that the person developing them would be so horrified

that all I had given him were a lot of pictures of flesh! Mmm lovely.

And I particularly relish another glossy dribble right at the end

Full throttle. I'm very happy doing it by hand just like this.

The jet squirts, anywhere and everywhere!

Very heady aroma... a bit gooey and sticky but I'm hungry.

I just need a moment to basque...

Well this should certainly keep the ravenous hordes happy!