is this, the...Show I've Never Heard Of...Week? Sorry, it's just...this sh*t's making me delirious.

It's...whatever the f*ck this one's called. For the Game Boy Advance.

So it's called BattleBots. Apparently, that was a TV show. People always ask me, like,

"Derek, how can you not know what that show is?!" Uh, you realize television sucks. Like,

you're aware it's the worst, right? I go outside. After playing sh*t like this all day, the

last thing I want to do is sit in front of a television. Watching robots pretend to destroy

each other.

You want to see robots destroy each other?

Go out there and make it happen for real. That's what I always say.

So no, I've never seen the show. But what I do know...is that this is a sequel. There

was another BattleBots game, called Beyond the BattleBox. And apparently, from what I've

read, this is basically the exact same game. It's an improved version of that one. Yeah,

that's right. This is the improved version. This is what happened when they fixed the

game.

Much in the same way your dog gets fixed.

I mean, it's only lost the most fundamental ability of life. The biggest thing that separates

organisms from things like rocks, and dirt, and vomit. But other than that? Totally fixed.

I guess this thing launched a pretty low price. And actually, that's probably the best thing

I can say about it. It didn't try to rip people off completely. I mean, did it deceptively

repackage a game that already existed and try to resell it as something else? Sure,

but who hasn't done that? Like, be honest with yourselves, ladies. Every time you go

out, you repackage yourself. In a new dress. Oh, like we're gonna forget you're the one

who made a scene last week?

Crying about losing your friends. Drunk girls always lose their friends. And hey, don't

laugh, gentlemen. We do the same thing. Oh, now you have a beard. Look at this transformation.

Guess what. She's not impressed, your car still sucks.

And so does Battlebots: Design & Destroy.

So in theory, this game might be kind of cool. You have to put together a robot, and take

it into battle. And each creation has to go through several steps before you can actually

use it. There's the skeleton, the body, the engine, the wheels, the weapons...and of course,

you also have a weight limit, depending on which class you pick. Once you're done, it's

battle time.

And by "battle," I mean, "bumping." It's bumping time.

More like Battle Bumper Cars. Actually, that sounds cooler than it is.

So the gameplay itself is, just...incredibly limited. Like, you put all this thought into

your battlebot, right? You're trying to get under the weight limit, but also make something

that's gonna mess people up, but you also have to make time to shave later. Like, it's

a pretty thoughtful process. Then you play it...and it's the dumbest thing ever.

You just ram into each other.

It's the most anticlimactic thing since whatever you last b*tched about on the Internet.

And you know, as little gameplay as there is...there's even less content. I mean, there's

the tournament mode, where you create and then fight. There's a battle mode, where you

can play as 16 pre-made robots, four per class. That's it, and no matter which one you play,

it's always bumper cars. I guess the one interesting thing is that...as you battle, your battery

starts to slowly drain. So you might have to pick one up, to recharge.

So I guess, maybe there's some strategy there? Like, use energy wisely, and make sure you

pick up the charges? Then again, I don't know, that's probably just be being generous. I'm

an incredibly generous person. That's, like, the fifth-best thing about me.

Of course, it uses tank controls, so. You'll either love that it makes basic movement hard

or you'll justifiably hate it. Not that I have an opinion or anything. Except to say

that BattleBots looks like crap, the music sucks and it uses passwords to save. Like,

forget the robots.

I want to put together a better game.

Then again, I'd probably just make Ocarina of Time.

With robots.

Let's repackage that one. It's BattleBots: Design & Destroy. Safe to say this one deserves

the latter. Thanks to our dear, close, personal friend Morgan from Clarksville, Tennessee

for sending it to the show.