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  • -Arielle Snicklepickercocker, this is Kelly something.

  • She's a theatre critic for the New York Times.

  • -Evidently the reporters are just ugly whores.

  • -Well, I'd rather be an ugly whore than a stupid dummy.

  • -Wait.

  • -Let's all--

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • -One second.

  • Hold on, hold on.

  • Just a second.

  • -No, no!

  • -Just literally one second.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -Wait, wait, wait.

  • I'll be right back.

  • -Hurry up.

  • -Yeah, hurry.

  • -Ugh, the plastic.

  • [PHONE RINGS]

  • -Front desk.

  • -Yeah.

  • I need help opening a bar of soap, fast.

  • -I'll be right up, Ms. Snicklepickercocker.

  • -Actually, this is her friend, David Wain, but I need help.

  • Hurry!

  • Come on, come on!

  • [KNOCK]

  • -Just two seconds.

  • I will be right there.

  • Hi.

  • I can't open this.

  • Thank you thank you thank you.

  • Don't move.

  • Don't move.

  • -Hurry up.

  • -Yeah, hurry.

  • -OK.

  • You better be ready, 'cause I am about to come in there and

  • doing my thang.

  • It's a nighttime thang, as Arsenio might have said, when

  • that show was on the air.

  • OK.

  • One last--

  • Here I come.

  • Here I come.

  • OK.

  • That's it.

  • OK, Kelly and Arielle.

  • Here--

  • OK.

  • Stylin' and ready.

  • OK.

  • OK.

  • Ready or not, here I come.

  • Mr. Snicklepickercocker, how did the soap work out?

  • -All right.

  • If you want me to be completely

  • honest, the soap is great.

  • I mean, it's the kind of soap that I would

  • very likely buy again.

  • I mean, I have my brands that I'm loyal to, but I've been

  • known to switch, if, uh, you know, if the

  • justification is there.

  • But separately from the whole soap thing, if I'm being

  • completely honest, seeing you hook up with the two girls I

  • thought I was going to hook up with, that's just--

  • it sucks.

  • -I appreciate the honesty, but I think I speak for all three

  • of us when I ask you to get the hell out of here.

  • -Can you go out and get us some lube?

  • -Wait, so after all that, you actually bought them the lube?

  • -Well, I mean, yeah.

  • But the joke's on them, because I bought

  • them generic lube.

  • ZANDY (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

  • Aw, David.

  • I think it's sweet that a middle-aged Middle Eastern man

  • got to have sex.

  • CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Hey, and look it this way, Dave.

  • You'll find the right girl one of these days.

  • -Sometimes I just feel like my life is like a novel.

  • There's chapters and words, and eventually it

  • comes out on paperback.

  • -Hey, just don't look for it as a book on tape.

  • [ALL LAUGH]

  • -OK.

  • I wasn't expecting that.

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): What?

  • What?

  • [ALL LAUGH]

  • -Oh my god.

  • -It was-- that was very good.

  • -That is so wrong.

  • -Remember?

  • -When did you come up with that?

  • -From earlier.

  • -Just now?

  • -That is literally too much.

  • [ALL LAUGH]

  • -That is beyond beyond.

  • -Talk about the bullet hitting the target on that one.

  • Zing-o!

  • It was a bull's-eye and a half, if there's such a thing.

  • And I don't think there's such a thing.

  • -It's like, yo, yo, yo.

  • -Oh, man, it's hitting me right in the funny

  • bone on that one.

  • Ow!

  • Ow, I can't even feel my fingers.

  • GRIFFIN (OFFSCREEN): Are you all right?

  • -Yeah, no, I'm fine.

  • I'm fine.

  • I didn't literally get hit in the funny bone.

  • Bu you hit me.

  • You hit me in the funny bone with that zinger and I'm--

  • I'm laughing because of that.

  • But just in case, I might see a neurologist.

  • -Oh.

  • -Even if it's just a 1% chance.

  • GRIFFIN (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY]

  • -Hey, we could laugh about that all day.

  • But I'll tell you something, that chickens souvlaki's not

  • gonna eat itself, David.

  • -Ken, uh, are you sure about that?

  • -No, I think you might want to revise that statement.

  • Probably deserves a slight redo.

  • -You know what, Dave?

  • I'm going to have to take you up on that offer to revise my

  • statement, because that chicken souvlaki is eating

  • itself,

  • [ALL LAUGH]

  • CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Hey.

  • He just got it, I think.

  • Right?

  • It takes a second.

  • Oh, hey, separately, how's the Fiat working out for you?

  • -You know, I wasn't even gonna get the Fiat, but when I saw

  • how it was really well-priced, I figured, why not?

  • -Oh, man, I could afford that.

  • -It's got great style and I like the car.

  • -Huh.

  • -I've always wanted an Italian car.

  • And the Fiat brand hasn't been in this country for many

  • years.

  • -That sounds great.

  • -You know, honestly, it sounds like somebody's paying you to

  • say that.

  • -I know.

  • But it's not-- it's not the case.

  • -You haven't received one dime for this?

  • -No.

  • I love driving it, and I love how makes me feel.

  • It's, honestly, I think maybe the best car ever made.

-Arielle Snicklepickercocker, this is Kelly something.

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Wainy Days #39 "Kelly and Arielle - Part 7 (Wainy Days #39 'Kelly and Arielle - Part 7')

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    紅謹 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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