I didn't get you. - You did get me.

我好像沒嚇到你。你嚇到我了。

- No, I didn't get you. - You scared me--you did.

我剛沒有嚇到你。有啦! 你剛剛有嚇到我。

You scared me, and I'm a fan of yours,

你竟然嚇我，我是你的粉絲耶

and you know I love you, and you still scared me.

而且你知道我是愛你的，你竟然還敢嚇我

- Yeah.

對啊

- And you just did it, and you just--

你剛竟然還是做了，你竟然

You're not mean-spirited. - No.

你絕對不是卑鄙。絕不是。

- You're just cr-- a little cruel.

你只是很狠-有點狠心

- Yeah. - And, yeah.

對。嗯, 對啊

I came in--

我剛一走進去

- It's not cruel. It's just sneaky.

不是狠心，只是有點偷偷摸摸

- [laughing] It's sneaky.

哈哈， 對 。就是偷偷摸摸

But I kind of felt something was gonna happen,

但我那時本來就有一種預感

and I came in, and the producer said to me,

我走進去的時候，製片跟我說

"Go on into the-- this is your dressing room.

快走進去呀，這裡是你的更衣間

"Go into the bathroom.

走到最裡面是洗手間

Ellen has an old picture of you and her from years ago."

艾倫有張你和她一起在幾年前拍的老照片

And I go, "Ugh, it's probably an awful picture."

然後我就說，額，大概是一張拍得很爛的照片吧

He goes, "It's pretty funny. You'll laugh at it.

他接著說，是張搞笑的照片，你看了一定會笑死的

She hung it in the bathroom."

她把那張照片掛在洗手間裡

And I go, "Okay," and I go to the bathroom.

我就說，喔 好吧，然後我就走進了洗手間

The door is creaked a little bit closed.

那門開了一點小縫

- Well, all right, let's show--

好吧，讓我們看看

this is me trying to scare him.

我剛是怎麼試著嚇他的

- This was minutes ago.

這大概是幾分鐘前

I'm walking in, and I go. What the heck?

我一走進去，我就在想「到底在搞什麼鬼？」

That's the bathroom. I'm about to go in there.

這裡就是那間梳洗間。我也正準備要走進去

[men speaking indistinctly]

[男人說話不清的聲音]

You sure? - Yep.

你確定嗎？對啊

- I knew it.

我就知道

Oh, God, something's gonna jump out and scare me.

天哪，我覺得有東西會突然跑出來嚇我

Yeah, I knew it. [laughter]

對啊 我知道，哈哈哈 [笑聲]

I'll just do it.

算了我還是走進去吧

I don't like getting scared.

但是我實在是不喜歡被嚇啊！

[shouts] - [screams]

[大叫聲]-[尖叫聲]

- [screams]

[尖叫聲]

[laughter]

[笑聲]

[speaking indistinctly]

[模糊的說話聲］

I knew it! - You knew it.

我就知道！- 你知道啊

How did you know it?

你怎知道的？

- I did get scared too, 'cause you go, "Whoo-ha-ha."

但是我還是有被你嚇到，因為你說 「呼哈」

- Yeah, but then-- [both laugh]

對啊，但是 [兩人都同時笑了]

But then I was thinking, "Oh, I wish I wasn't there,

然後我就在想，「真希望我剛沒出現在那

'cause then you would've just done that all by yourself.

所以你就只能自己嚇自己了」

[laughter] That would've been--

[哈哈笑聲] 那這樣子的話

- That would've been really embarrassing.

那這樣的話就超尷尬了

- That would've been better. - Yeah.

大概這樣尷尬點會比較好吧 - 是啊

I'm always getting embarrassed. Yeah.

其實我常覺得尷尬啊。是喔

But I'm so happy to be here.

但是我還是很開心今天來這節目啦！

I never get a chance to see you because...

我之前都沒機會來看你因為....

- I know. - I'm in New York, but now--

對啊我知道 - 我在紐約，但是我現在

- I watch you all the time. [cheers and applause]

一直看著你 [歡呼鼓掌聲]

Such a great job.

幹得好啊你

- I got to come out. You do the best show.

我一走出來，你就搞了一場好秀

And I got to thank you for always supporting me.

我還真得感謝你這麼支持我呢！

And you sent me and my staff a bunch of fun things

你總是帶給我這麼多無厘頭的事

like cotton candy one day and popcorn and snow cones

像上次棉花糖那天還有爆米花跟挫冰那次

and just made everyone's day.

你可是讓大家開心一整天了

You're just so cool.

你就是這裡厲害

- Yeah, well, you're doing a great job.

是啊，你每次都做得很好呀

I'm loving the show, and it's so much fun.

我超愛你的節目，每次來都那麼好玩

-Thanks. - And you're doing

尤其妳真的做的--謝謝。

- I mean, were you nervous about actually even going--

我的意思是，你那時進去的時候有那麼緊張嗎

I mean, you're doing-- you've been doing a show anyway,

我的意思是，你也是有主持一個節目

it's just now "The Tonight Show."

現在上檔的“今夜秀”

- Right, it's just a change of title.

也是啦，就是換個名字而已

But they're big shoes to fill with Jay Leno,

但是呢，傑·雷諾的名氣實在太大了

and so the first night especially, I was nervous,

所以說我主持的第一晚，我超緊張的

because I go, "Do I just come out

我一直在想，我一出場應該就直接走出來

and just do jokes like I've been on

然後開開玩笑，裝作已經

'The Tonight Show' for years",

在「今夜秀」的節目主持多年

or "do I come out and go, 'Hey, guys.

或是我一出場應該說，「哈囉，各位觀眾。

This is what a talk show is.'"

這就是我們所謂的脫口秀」

Because there might be some kids watching

因為或許電視前有許多小孩觀眾

that've never seen a talk show but, since I'm new,

他們或許沒看過脫口秀但是因為我是新人

they'll give it a shot and-- 'cause when I was a kid,

他們都會想著，姑且看看吧！因為我以前小時候

I would ask my parents for permission.

我都需要問我爸媽得到他們的許可

"Can I stay up, watch Johnny Carson?"

我今晚可以熬夜看約翰尼·卡森的節目嗎？

It was a big deal, you know,

這對我非常重要，你懂的

just to stay up to watch the monologue.

就是晚睡為了看他的獨角戲

So I thought, "I'll come out,

所以呢我覺得，我出場的時候

I'll explain what a talk show is,

我需要介紹一下脫口秀的特質

then I'll go, you know, 'This is my sidekick,'

然後我就會說，「這是我的分身」

and then I'll leave and come back out and tell jokes."

假裝下台，再回來台上繼續講更多笑話

So I called Jay Leno.

所以我打給傑·雷諾

I go, "What do you think of that idea?"

我說，「你覺得這梗如何呀？」

He goes...

他說...[模仿傑·雷諾]

[as Jay Leno] "I'd just come out and tell jokes."

「要是我的話我就會直接出場講笑話」

And I go, "That's what I was thinking, but"--

我就回說，「我也是這樣想的，但是」

I go, "Now I'm confused."

我就接著說，「現在我有點不懂了」

And so I talked to my head writer,

所以囉，我就跟設計腳本的人說

and he goes-- he goes--

他說－－他說－－

I go "Jay says 'just to come out

我就告訴他「傑跟我說就直接出場

and tell jokes like I've been doing it.'."

然後就開始講笑話，稀鬆平常。」

And he goes, "Yeah, but he's Jay Leno,

他就回我說「對啊，但是他是個大人物

and you're--you're your thing.

而你呢，你就是你自己

It's a different flavor. It's a different thing.

現在節目換了風格了， 那就要脫胎換骨。

Go out and do what you feel like you should do."

出場時就做你自己。」

And so I did that, and I--

所以我就做了那個，然後我

I did that, and that went great,

我那樣做了，結果非常棒

and I explained what a talk show was

我跟大家介紹什麼是脫口秀

and that a human comes out and tells jokes about the news.

就是有個人會上台，開開一些時事話題的玩笑

I mean, so kids who have never seen it,

我的用意就是，有些小孩從沒看過脫口秀

now they know what it is.

那他們現在都知道什麼是脫口秀了

And then I came out, and I'm start--

然後換我出場我開始

I came out, did some jokes,

我出場後講了一些笑話

and I made a joke about high school or something.

我記得我好像開了一個關於高中的一個玩笑還什麼的

And of course my mom and dad are in the audience

當然我爸媽那天也是現場觀眾之一

'cause it was my first "Tonight Show."

因為這是我第一個「今夜秀」

And my dad heckles me.

我爸竟然吐槽我

- I saw that. [laughter]

－ 我看到那段了 ［哈哈笑聲］

- Do you believe-- can you believe that?

你能相信嗎？你能夠相信這件事嗎？

- No. No, did he-- - Can you believe my life?

不是吧，他只是 －－ 你能夠懂我的生活嗎？

- Why? - That was--

怎麼說？這簡直是

I couldn't believe it was happening.

我根本不敢相信這件事竟然會發生

I go, "What is going on?"

我就說「怎麼了？」

Like, your son--

你兒子

this is probably the most nerve-racking

這可能是他最緊張的時刻

he's ever going to be, and you heckle?

這輩子從沒如此緊張過，然後你吐槽我？

I go-- here's what happened.

我就－－這是那天發生的事。

I said--made some joke about, "Hey, Dad."

我說－－試著講些笑話「老爸」

Or, you know, "I didn't"--

或是，你懂的「我其實沒有」

Or, "Mom and Dad, I didn't graduate high school"--

或是 「爸媽，其實我那時高中沒畢業喔」

which I did, but it was a joke.

當然我有啦，這只是一個玩笑

I go, "I didn't graduate high school, but here I am.

我說「我高中沒畢業，但是今晚我在這裡，

I'm host of 'The Tonight Show.'"

主持「今夜秀」

And everyone was laughing.

然後所有人都在哈哈大笑

They clapped. It was a funny joke.

他們還為我鼓掌。 這就是一個好笑的笑話。

And my dad goes, "We paid a lot of money for that school."

然後我爸突然爆出一句 「我付了不少錢給那學校」

[laughter]

[哈哈大笑聲]

Got a giant laugh. Bigger laugh than my laugh.

這句話竟然得到更多爆笑聲。 甚至這些觀眾笑得比聽到我剛講的笑話更大聲。

- Yeah. - People were clapping.

對啊 －大家都在鼓掌

I'm like, "Did that just happen?

我就說，“剛剛發生了什麼事？

"Did I just-- I just heard my dad's voice

難道我剛聽到我爸

yelling at me."

在吼我的聲音嗎？

And the other thing is, I went to public school.

另外一件事就是，我之前讀的是公立學校

He didn't pay a lot of money.

所以其實他沒付很多錢

I'm like, "Are you talking about taxes?"

所以我就說 「你是在講那些稅嗎？」

I don't really get into math with my dad.

我不太常跟我爸計較這些事

What are you talking about?

所以你在講什麼？

- He was just making up stuff for a joke.

他只是隨便講講笑話而已啦

- Butt out! Yes. Get your own show.

少來啦！對啊， 自己去開個秀吧！

Yeah. - Oh, my God.

對啊！－我的天

- [chuckles] I love 'em.

－[咯咯地笑聲] 我還是愛他們啦

I love 'em. They're great people.

我愛他們。他們超棒的！

- Well, they've got to be so proud of you.

當然啊，他們可是很為你感到驕傲

- They really are.

他們真的是這樣的

My mom calls me all the time--

我媽總是打給我

and most of the time she calls, it's to say

大部份她打給我的時候都說

who was great on your show.

誰今天在你的節目上表現最亮眼？

She always goes, "Oh, Ellen was great the other day.

她總說「喔，艾倫那天很棒呀

She had Bradley Cooper on."

他在節目上邀布萊德利·庫柏當來賓呢！」

I'm like, "Oh, yeah, well,

我就只好說「對啊，是啊是啊，

"we've had Bradley Cooper on too.

我們也邀請了布萊德利·庫柏到我們節目呀。

We've had some fun things."

我們也有些很好笑的片段。」

She goes, "I know, but--

她就會說「對啊， 我知道，但是 －－

so here's what Ellen did with Bradley."

你知道嗎，艾倫和布萊德利在節目上怎樣怎樣...」

I go, "I don't want to hear about Ellen's show!

我就說「我不想再聽到你說任何艾倫秀的事了。

I know that show's a great show."

我知道她主持的節目是很棒啦。」

- That's hilarious. - She loves you.

－這超爆笑的 －她還是愛你啦