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- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?
Do you like it here?
- But--[sighs] I mean,
I don't fit in here-- just straight up body type.
Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.
They're just like-- [laughter]
[laughter]
They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"
"Is that--" [laughter]
It's not-- it's not for me out here.
- No? - It's not, no.
But I--you know.
- What do you do when you're here?
- I cry. I just sit in my room...
[laughter] Bawling.
No, I--
Well, last time I was here, right from the show,
I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.
- That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--
my business agent thought I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me.
- Well-- - But no, I'm 33,
so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,
you know what I mean? - I see, I see.
- Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.
I'm not like "Sexually harass--"
but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--
like you'll walk past a construction site,
and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"
But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like,
"What about this?" [laughter]
"Like, how about--" [laughter]
It's like my skirt's over my head.
I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]
They're like, "We're eating."
But, uh-- [laughter]
[laughter]
It changes, it really does.
It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats,
which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?
- I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--
I thought it would be free booze.
Um... [laughter]
It's not, it's not. [laughter]
I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.
So... - [laughs]
- I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.
You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."
She played the cheerleader, Quinn?
I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.
Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.
Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?
[laughter] She's like--
the most gorgeous girl ever.
Her name was "Quinn" on that show.
To pull off that name? - Yeah.
- Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,
they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"
[laughter]
"Does a jig time and again," you know.
But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?
So--and the whole night, she's like,
She's like this...
'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.
I obviously don't.
[laughter]
I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face,
is just a scowl, is just-- [laughter]
[laughter]
And I learned--and you can see--
that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."
[laughter]
This is not a good section!
[laughter] If I--if I don't,
like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--
[laughter]
I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"
just "Fff!"
[laughter]
So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.
I'm pounding red wine, and I--
I thought it was free-- and I--
[laughter]
I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?
Like, just first sniff of merlot,
just "True Blood" mouth.
I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,
the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--
you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out
kind of like lying to yourself?
Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."
Ehm. [laughter]
Like one piece at a time, you know?
And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.
Right? [laughter]
and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.
And just "gah!"
[laughter]
Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--
[laughter]
It's true. In my dumb mouth.
It is true.
- [laughing hard]
- And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--
And I--I look like her, actually.
I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.
[laughter]
It's true!
I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.
That's-- [laughter]
And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,
and I'm like, "I can't. I can't.
We don't have-- we're not the same thing."
Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.
She's like, "He won't stop calling."
And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."
[laughter]
Do you eat popcorn like that, though?
Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.
And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?
- Yes. - I mean, that's why--
I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,
so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,
and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,
"Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,
"Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."
[laughter]
He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,
"[giggles] A small. Look at me."
[laughter]
Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.
Like, "get outta here."
[laughter]
"Get--I want a trough.
And I want to dunk my head in it."
And--and then, you know.
I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.
- Hilarious. So when you say
you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--
are you dating at all?
- No, I, um--
Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"
Thank you. [laughter]
[laughter]
You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods
with this UTI I have right now, but also--
[laughter]
but also-- Thank you.
[laughter and applause] Oh, my God.
[laughter and applause]
No, but I'm not on any dating websites.
I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone
that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."
[laughter]
And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--
- Is this real? - This is totally real.
It lets--they let you know about food in your area.
So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular
scone.
And uh-- [laughter]
Under a mile away.
Coincidence? Probably not.
[laughter]
So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!
Like, check it out!"
So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."
[laughter]
So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.
- It's different than that. You should--
[laughs]
Oh, my God. - It's pretty much
the same exact thing. - Hilarious.
It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.
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【艾倫秀】好笑到難以置信:艾咪舒摩爾 (The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer)

43774 分類 收藏
romona 發佈於 2017 年 12 月 5 日   黃艾瑄 翻譯   Tina Hsu 審核
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