Name: 【TED】莫甘娜•柏麗: 隱藏真實自我的危險 (The danger of hiding who you are | Morgana Bailey)
Uploaded: 2015-05-03T16:00:08.000Z
Duration: 10 min 27 s

反身代名詞

When I was young,
I prided myself as a nonconformist

我年紀尚小時，常為自己
從不墨守成規而感到驕傲。

in the conservative
U.S. state I live in, Kansas.

那時的我生活在
保守的美國堪薩斯州。

I wasn't afraid to try
weird clothing trends or hairstyles.

勇於嘗試各種奇裝異服或怪異髮型，

也常常直言不諱，熱衷於社交。

Even these pictures and postcards 
of my London semester abroad 16 years ago

這些照片是16年前我去倫敦交換
那個學期拍攝的照片和明信片，

show that I obviously didn't care
if I was perceived as weird or different.

從中也可以看出我並不在乎
別人是否認為我怪異或另類。

But that same year 
I was in London, 16 years ago,

但就在 16 年前，
我在倫敦的那一年，

I realized something about myself
that actually was somewhat unique,

我意識到自己身上有些特別之處，

I became the opposite
of who I thought I once was.

我竟變得和從前的自己判若兩人。

I stayed in my room
instead of socializing.

我整天待在房間裡，不再出去社交。

I stopped engaging in clubs
and leadership activities.

我不再參與俱樂部和
領導者培訓活動。

I didn't want to stand out
in the crowd anymore.

我再也不想在眾人面前特立獨行了。

I told myself it was because
I was growing up and maturing,

我告訴自己，那是因為我在長大，
在變得更加成熟，

not that I was suddenly
looking for acceptance.

而並非因為我突然想要
尋求他人的接受。

I had always assumed I was immune
to needing acceptance.

我之前一直假定自己不需要被接受。

that the moment I realized
something was different about me

我發覺自己有些特立獨行的那一刻，

was the exact same moment
that I began conforming and hiding.

正是我開始循規蹈矩、
隱藏自我的那一刻。

it becomes harder and harder
to step forward and speak out.

重新站出來展現自我、表達自我
就會變得越來越艱難。

when I was talking to people
about what this talk was about,

當我跟別人探討這次演講的內容，

and I even hid the truth
about my TED Talk.

而我甚至還隱瞞了
要在 TED 演講的真相。

因此這次機會既合時宜，
又令我感到害怕，

that I have returned 
to this city 16 years later

我在十六年後重新回到這個城市，

and I have chosen this stage
to finally stop hiding.

並選擇在這個舞台上，
為隱藏自我劃下句點。

一直以來我掙扎著將這幾個字說出口，

because I didn't want
to be defined by them.

Every time I would think
about coming out in the past,

I would think to myself,
but I just want to be known as Morgana,

我都會暗想，我只想做我自己，

but not "my lesbian friend Morgana,"
or "my gay coworker Morgana."

而不是「我的同性戀朋友莫甘娜」，
或者「我的同性戀同事莫甘娜」。

For those of you from large
metropolitan areas,

對於在座來自大都市的各位來說，

this may not seem like a big deal to you.

It may seem strange 
that I have suppressed the truth

或許這看起來甚是奇怪，
我竟然將這個真相

But I was paralyzed by my fear
of not being accepted.

但我被那份不被人接受
的恐懼降服了。

當然，有相同感受的並非我一人。

A 2013 Deloitte study found
that a surprisingly large number of people

2013 年德勤的一項研究發現，
有相當多的人，多到令人驚訝，

都在自己的身份方面有所隱藏。

在這項研究調查的所有僱員中，

61 percent reported changing an aspect
of their behavior or their appearance

有 61％ 的人表明他們曾改變
自己某一方面的行為或外表，

Of all the gay, lesbian
and bisexual employees,

在所有同性戀和雙性戀僱員中，

83 percent admitted to changing
some aspects of themselves

83％ 的人承認自己
有過某些方面的改變，

so they would not 
appear at work "too gay."

以在工作場合表現得
「不那麼同性戀」。

with diversity policies
and inclusion programs,

有多元化政策和融合性計劃的公司中，

employees struggle
to be themselves at work

僱員們仍然難以在工作場合做自己，

because they believe 
conformity is critical

對於他們長期的職業發展來說
是至關重要的。

And while I was surprised
that so many people just like me

儘管我驚訝於這麼多像我一樣的人

waste so much energy
trying to hide themselves,

都浪費了這麼多精力
去試圖隱藏自己，

I was scared when I discovered
that my silence

但我還是恐懼的發現，我的沉默

has life-or-death consequences
and long-term social repercussions.

有著生死攸關的後果
和長期的社會影響。

the length by which 
life expectancy is shortened

for gay, lesbian and bisexual people
in highly anti-gay communities

如果你把那些生活在
極端反同性戀和雙性戀的社區

和相對接納同性戀的社區
相比較的話。

When I read that in The Advocate 
magazine this year,

今年，當我在同性戀雜誌“Advocate”上
讀到這一條內容時，

I realized I could no longer
afford to keep silent.

我意識到自己再也不能
繼續沉默下去了。

The effects of personal stress and
social stigmas are a deadly combination.

個人壓力和社會歧視的結合
會產生致命的結果。

The study found that gays
in anti-gay communities

研究發現，那些生活在
反同性戀社區

had higher rates of heart disease,
violence and suicide.

更有可能會出現心臟疾病、
暴力和自殺。

What I once thought
was simply a personal matter

我之前一直以為這是個私人問題，

可如今卻意識到它有漣漪效應，

that went into the workplace
and out into the community

影響著工作場合和延伸至社區，

就像每一個與我類似的故事一樣。

My choice to hide
and not share who I really am

我選擇了隱藏自己，
不去分享真實的自我，

may have inadvertently contributed
to this exact same environment

但這或許在無意間助長了相同的環境

I'd always told myself
there's no reason to share that I was gay,

我曾一直告訴自己，
沒有什麼理由告訴別人我是同性戀，

but the idea that my silence
has social consequences

但我的沉默有著社會影響的這一想法

was really driven home this year
when I missed an opportunity

直到今年才閃入我的腦海，
我一直以來都錯過了

to change the atmosphere of discrimination
in my own home state of Kansas.

在家鄉堪薩斯州
改變歧視氛圍的一個機會。

In February, the Kansas House of 
Representatives brought up a bill for vote

在二月，堪薩斯州眾議院
提出一項法案待表決，

that would have essentially
allowed businesses

to use religious freedom as a reason
to deny gays services.

以宗教自由為理由，
拒絕為同性戀者提供服務。

has a father who serves
in the Kansas House of Representatives.

in favor of a law that would allow 
businesses to not serve me.

支持了這項容許企業
拒絕為我提供服務的法案。

而我的朋友對於同性戀、雙性戀、
變性人、酷兒和對身份困惑的人

about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender,
queer and questioning people?

她的父親對這些人又是如何看待的呢？

I don't know, because I was never honest 
with them about who I am.

我不知道，因為我從未誠實地
向他們坦白我是同性戀這一事實。

What if I had told her my story years ago?

如果我多年前就把真相告訴她，
事情會怎麼樣呢？