[cheers] Yeah.

[歡呼聲] 是啊。

[cheers]

[歡呼聲]

So did I, and I--you know.

我也是，我... 你知道的。

See, I'm driving to work today, and I--

你看，我今天開車去上班，我 --

Here, I want to show you what I saw.

在這裡，我想讓你看看我看到的東西。

It was really exciting. I'm driving.

這真的很刺激。我'在開車。

You can imagine my excitement when the car in front of me

你可以想象我的興奮，當我前面的車

had this bumper sticker on it.

有這個保險槓上的貼紙。

Look at that!

你看那！

[laughter and applause]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

It's a little blurry 'cause I was driving really, really fast,

它'有點模糊'因為我開得真的很快。

so, uh-- [laughter]

所以，呃 - [笑]

No, I didn't take a picture when I was driving.

不，我開車的時候沒有拍照。

That'd be dangerous.

那會很危險。

I was stopped. But then I thought,

我被阻止了。但後來我想。

"Wow, there's someone with my last name and Oprah's last name

哇，有人跟我的姓和奧普拉的姓一樣。

running for Vice President and President of the United States."

競選美國副總統和總統.&quot。

It's exciting.

這'是令人興奮的。

And then, ah, no.

然後，啊，不。

It was really somebody's wishful thinking,

這真的是某人'的一廂情願。

and so, I'm flattered that someone thought of that,

所以，我'受寵若驚，有人想到了這一點。

and then I was like, "How dare you?"

然後我就想，"你怎麼敢？&quot。

Really, I can't be President How come she's President?

真的，我當不了總統，她怎麼會是總統？

and I'm Vice President?

而我是副總裁？

[laughter]

[笑聲]

I could be President. I was the president

我可以當總統。我是總統

of the Squirrels and Bird Association of Metarie, LA

洛杉磯梅塔裡松鼠和鳥類協會的成員

when I was seven years old.

當我七歲的時候

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

In my backyard.

在我的後院。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

I was overthrown by a squirrel named Lars,

我被一隻叫拉爾斯的松鼠推翻了。

but that's not the point.

但這不是重點。

I'm flattered that people would tr--

我受寵若驚，人們會... ...

I mean, what a wonderful thing

我的意思是，多麼美妙的事情

that somebody would trust me to run the country,

有人會信任我去管理這個國家。

but if I want real power in changing people's lives,

但如果我想要真正的力量改變人們的生活'。

I think I should stay right here.

我想我應該留在這裡

I think that's the best thing to do.

我想這是最好的辦法。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Spread love...

傳播愛...

and joy...

和快樂...

but I have to admit, when I saw that bumper sticker,

但我不得不承認，當我看到那個保險槓貼紙的時候。

I couldn't help but think

我不禁想

what a day as President would be like.

作為總統的一天會是什麼樣子。

I would imagine it would be something like this.

我想應該是這樣的。

[harp music]

[豎琴音樂]

["Hail To The Chief" plays]

["Hail To The Chief" plays]

Yes.

是的，我知道

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Yes, President DeGeneres here, yes.

是的，德傑尼勒斯總統在這裡，是的。

No! Yes, very urgent.

不，是的，非常緊急

Absolutely not. No onions, no.

絕對不是。沒有洋蔥，沒有。

And dressing on the side.

並在邊上穿衣服。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝你。

All right, let's see, laws!

好吧，讓我們來看看，法律!

The laws under my presidency.

在我主持下的法律。

Uh...uh...

呃... 呃...

The official animal of America will be the baby goat.

美國的官方動物將是小山羊。

[laughter]

[笑聲]

And, ah, let's see.

還有，啊，讓我看看。

As of today, your horn--

從今天起，你的角...

That's right, if you honk your horn the second after

沒錯，如果你在按完喇叭後的第二秒就按喇叭的話

the light turns green, you lose your privilege to drive.

燈光變綠，你就失去了開車的權利。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Right.

好吧，我知道了

From henceforth on, it shall be illegal to enter a Starbucks

從今以後，進入星巴克的行為將是非法的。

unless you already know your order, that's right.

除非你已經知道你的訂單，那'是的。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Furthermore, if I watch "The Bachelor Tells All"

此外，如果我看了"單身漢全訊網址&quot。

and The Bachelor does not tell all in fact,

而《單身漢》並沒有告訴所有的事實。

he will be arrested, 'cause ain't nobody got time for that.

他將被逮捕，'原因是'沒有人得到時間的。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Yes...

是啊...

And finally... it's now against the law

最後... ...它現在是違法的。

to sing "Let It Go" in public.

在公共場合唱"Let It Go"。

If a person is caught doing so,

如果一個人被發現這樣做。

their bank accounts will be frozen.

他們的銀行賬戶將被凍結。

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

哈，哈，哈，哈，哈，哈!

[cheers and applause] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[歡呼聲和掌聲]哈，哈，哈，哈，哈！

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

哈，哈，哈，哈，哈，哈!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

哈，哈，哈，哈，哈，哈!

Fair and funny. Okay...

公平和有趣。好吧...

I'm good at this job.

我'很擅長這份工作。

[beep]

[嗶]

Uh, Craig? Could you send in Andy

呃，克雷格？你能讓安迪進來嗎？

for his 1:00 briefing?

為他一點鐘的簡報？

(over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.

馬上就去，女士。

[laughter] - Andy...

安迪...

[laughter]

[笑聲]

You have been briefed. Thank you.

你已經被告知。謝謝你。

- Thank you, Madame President.

- 謝謝你，主席女士。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

[beep] - Craig, can you send in

[嗶] 克雷格，你可以發送在

the other Andy for his 1:01 p.m. briefing?

另一個安迪下午1: 01的簡報？

(over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.

馬上就去，女士。

- Hi. - Hi.

- 嗨，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說。- 嗨，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說，我是說

- You called-- [laughs]

- 你叫 -- [笑]

- Really smooth. I just received a letter,

- 真的很順利。我剛剛收到一封信。

and uh, this is from my secretary,

呃，這是我的祕書。

and I would like you to read it out loud for me,

我希望你能大聲讀給我聽。

because I have not read it yet

因為我還沒有看過

and I'd like you to read it to me, please.

我希望你能讀給我聽，請。

- Okay. - Out loud, and please project.

- 好的 大聲說出來，並請投影。

- "A hoarder named Porter

- "一個叫波特的囤積者。

"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters,

"訂購了44個厄瓜多爾季度。

"to Fort-- A hoarder named Porter

一個叫波特的囤積者。

"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters

"訂購了44個厄瓜多爾季度。

to Fort Lauderdale, Florida." - Thank you.

到佛羅里達州勞德代爾堡 謝謝

"And here is the information you've requested

這是你要求的資訊。

(laughing) on our nation's penal code."

(笑)對我們國家'的刑法.&quot。

[laughter]

[笑聲]

"The penal code is a--" [laughs]

"刑法是個--"[笑]。

- How old are you?

- 你多大了？

[laughter]

[笑聲]

- "The pe--" [laughs]

- "Pe-"[笑]。

"The penal code is a set of penal laws

"刑法是一套刑法典

and which, if broken, will result in moderate to severe

而且，如果斷裂，將導致中度到嚴重的。

penalization."

罰.&quot。

- Thank you. [laughter]

- 謝謝你。[笑聲]

Thank you. Please leave me.

謝謝你了請離開我。

- I'm gonna go. - Thank you, all right.

- 我要走了 I'm gonna go.- 謝謝你，好的。

Thank you. All right, let's see.

謝謝你 - 好吧，讓我看看好吧，讓我們來看看。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Ah!

啊！

I have made new laws, check!

我已經制定了新的法律，檢查！

I have briefed Andys, check.

我已經向安迪斯做了簡報，檢查。

Ah, "set presidential TV to record 'Scandal.'"

啊，"設置總統電視錄製'醜聞.'&quot。

That is correct. That's what I need to do.

沒錯，這就是我需要做的。這就是我需要做的。

Where is my-- Here's my remote.

我的... 我的遙控器在哪裡？

All right.

好吧，我知道了

Uh oh.

嗯，哦。

Seems to be broken.

看來是壞了。

Craig, my TV is broken again.

克雷格，我的電視又壞了。

Please send someone in to fix it.

請派人進來修理。

I need a fixer.

我需要一個掮客

[knocking on door]

[敲門]

Yes, please come in.

是的，請進來。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

- Madame President.

- 主席女士，

I hear you're having problems with your television.

我聽說你的電視有問題。

- Yes, yes, I need you to fix it.

- 是的，是的，我需要你來解決它。

Can you fix it? - Well, since I'm here,

你能修好它嗎？- 好吧，既然我在這裡。

I'll fix it.

我會解決的。

[ding] Where's your TV?

你的電視呢？

- It's over there, you see it? - Yeah.

- 它在那邊，你看到了嗎？- 看到了

Okay, fixed. [ding]

好吧，固定。[叮]

- Okay. - I also set it for the Oscars,

- 我還把它設置成了奧斯卡頒獎典禮。

'cause I'm presenting again this Sunday.

＆#39;因為我'本週日又要介紹。

- Oh, well, congratulations on that.

- 哦，好吧，恭喜你了。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Thank you so much.

非常感謝你。

- So, Madame President... - Yes?

- 那麼，總統夫人...- 什麼事？

- I feel that the best thing--

- 我覺得最好的事情 --

unless you need something else from me--

除非你需要我的其他東西 --

- No. - I think the best thing

- 不 我認為最好的事情是

for this country, truly, would be if you would...dance.

對這個國家來說，真正的，是如果你會... 跳舞。

- Oh! Well, then, I shall do so.

- 哦，那我就這麼做吧。