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  • - A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE EXCITED ABOUT

  • TONIGHT'S MEGA MILLIONS LOTTERY DRAWING.

  • I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • BUT I KNOW WHY YOU'RE EXCITED.

  • YOU'RE EXCITED 'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE FOR 12 DAYS.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • IT'S LIKE THE LOTTERY,

  • BUT WORTH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LESS.

  • [laughter]

  • AWW.

  • TONIGHT'S MEGA MILLIONS IS UP TO $590 MILLION.

  • TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE,

  • IT'S $590 MILLION.

  • [laughter]

  • THINK HOW MANY LOTTERY TICKETS YOU COULD BUY IF YOU WIN.

  • THAT'D BE AMAZING.

  • AND THEN THEY CHANGED THE SYSTEM.

  • IT'S EVEN HARDER TO WIN NOW.

  • YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO PICK NUMBERS

  • FROM BETWEEN 1 AND 56.

  • SIX NUMBERS BETWEEN 1 AND 56.

  • AND NOW YOU PICK SIX NUMBERS BETWEEN 1 AND 75.

  • AND THAT MEANS YOUR CHANCES WENT FROM "NOT GONNA WIN"

  • TO "DEFINITELY NOT GONNA WIN."

  • YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING

  • ARE 1 IN 259 MILLION.

  • [audience groans]

  • THEY SAY THAT YOU HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF BECOMING A SAINT

  • THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY.

  • HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

  • TO BECOME A SAINT,

  • YOU HAVE TO PERFORM THREE MIRACLES.

  • TO WIN THE LOTTERY, YOU JUST HAVE TO CRAVE A TAQUITO

  • AND WANDER INTO A 7-ELEVEN AT MIDNIGHT.

  • [cheers and applause] THAT'S NOT--

  • THAT'S NOT FAIR.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • BUT EVEN WITH THOSE ODDS, PEOPLE STILL PLAY.

  • AND THEN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT STRATEGIES

  • THAT THEY THINK IS GONNA HELP THEM WIN.

  • THEY PLAY THEIR CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAYS,

  • OR THEY GO TO THE GOOD 7-ELEVEN.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY FIGURE OUT WHICH THE GOOD--

  • WHAT THAT IS.

  • MAYBE IT'S THE ONE WHERE THE BATHROOM DOOR LOCKS.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • OH, THEY PICK THE NUMBERS REALLY THAT--

  • UH, IT'S--YOU--THEY--

  • THIS IS HOW THEY PICK IT:

  • USING PING-PONG BALLS.

  • AND HOW HAVE THEY NOT UPDATED THAT TECHNOLOGY BY NOW?

  • THEY'RE SITTING ON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,

  • AND YET THE FATE IS DETERMINED BY THE SAME SYSTEM

  • YOUR GRANDMOTHER USES TO PLAY BINGO.

  • IT MIGHT BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN,

  • BUT I SAY YOU GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT,

  • SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT 400 TICKETS.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • 400.

  • YEP.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • SO-- SO I HAVE THESE.

  • DID Y'ALL BUY ANY?

  • [laughter]

  • NO, I GOT YOU SOME.

  • I GOT A TAQUITO.

  • Y'ALL CAN SHARE A--ONE TAQUITO.

  • [cheers and applause] JUST A TINY BIT.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • NO, EACH OF YOU ARE GETTING A TICKET, ALL RIGHT?

  • YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET A--

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I HOPE YOU WIN, AND IF YOU DO,

  • ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU NOMINATE ME FOR SAINTHOOD.

  • THAT'S ALL I WANT.

  • AND NOW...

  • LET'S-- [cheers and applause]

  • LET'S BE OPTIMISTIC

  • AND CELEBRATE WITH AN EARLY VICTORY DANCE.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE EXCITED ABOUT

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B1 中級 美國腔

百萬富翁 (Mega Millions)

  • 386 18
    Simon 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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