I've been struck over the years

過去幾年來

by how some people

看到有些人

with major challenges

在面對極大的挑戰時

seem to draw strength from them,

卻能越挫越勇而感到很訝異。

and I've heard the popular wisdom

我也常聽到有人說

that that has to do with finding meaning.

這跟找尋意義有關。

And for a long time,

很久以來，

I thought the meaning was out there,

我以為「意義」存在著，

some great truth waiting to be found.

就像某個待人尋找的真相。

But over time, I've come to feel

但經過一段時間，

that the truth is irrelevant.

我開始覺得真相並不重要。

We call it finding meaning,

我們稱之為找尋意義，

but we might better call it forging meaning.

或許應該說是鑄造意義才對。

My last book was about how families

我的新書是關於

manage to deal with various kinds of challenging

家庭如何應對各種挑戰

or unusual offspring,

或是子女異於常人。

and one of the mothers I interviewed,

我訪談的其中一位母親，

who had two children with multiple severe disabilities,

兩個孩子都有多重嚴重身障，

said to me, "People always give us

她告訴我：「很多人都會告訴我們

these little sayings like,

一些俗語像是

'God doesn't give you any more than you can handle,'

『上帝絕不會給你超過你能負荷的試煉。』

but children like ours

但像我們家的孩子，

are not preordained as a gift.

卻不註定是禮物。

They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."

他們之所以為禮物， 只因是我們所選擇的。」

We make those choices all our lives.

我們一生都在做這種決定。

When I was in second grade,

當我國小二年級時，

Bobby Finkel had a birthday party

巴比．芬可辦了個慶生會，

and invited everyone in our class but me.

並邀請全班參加，除了我以外。

My mother assumed there had been some sort of error,

我媽以為或許是哪裡弄錯，

and she called Mrs. Finkel,

所以打給芬可的媽媽。

who said that Bobby didn't like me

她卻告訴我母親，巴比不喜歡我，

and didn't want me at his party.

所以不要我參加他的慶生會。

And that day, my mom took me to the zoo

當天，我媽帶我到動物園，

and out for a hot fudge sundae.

還買了個熔岩巧克力聖代給我。

When I was in seventh grade,

我國一時，

one of the kids on my school bus

校車上有位同學

nicknamed me "Percy"

替我取了綽號「波西」

as a shorthand for my demeanor,

來取笑我的言行舉止。

and sometimes, he and his cohort

有時候，他和同夥

would chant that provocation

會不斷覆頌這詞。

the entire school bus ride,

整段來回學校的公車上，

45 minutes up, 45 minutes back,

45 分鐘上學、45 分鐘放學的路上，

"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"

不斷喊：「波西！波西！波西！」

When I was in eighth grade,

我國二時，

our science teacher told us

科學課的老師說

that all male homosexuals

所有男同性戀

develop fecal incontinence

都會大便失禁，

because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.

因為肛門括約肌的損傷。

And I graduated high school

我高中畢業以前

without ever going to the cafeteria,

從沒去過學校餐廳，

where I would have sat with the girls

因為如果去了， 我也會跟女生坐在一起，

and been laughed at for doing so,

然後因此被取笑；

or sat with the boys

或是與男生坐一起，

and been laughed at for being a boy

然後被取笑

who should be sitting with the girls.

我是個該跟女生坐一塊的男孩子。

I survived that childhood through a mix

我之所以安然度過童年，

of avoidance and endurance.

都是透過逃避跟忍受。

What I didn't know then,

我當時並不知道，

and do know now,

而現在已經知道的是，

is that avoidance and endurance

逃避和忍受

can be the entryway to forging meaning.

會是鑄造意義的起點。

After you've forged meaning,

在你鑄造意義之後，

you need to incorporate that meaning

需要將這意義

into a new identity.

融入到新的身分中。

You need to take the traumas and make them part

你需要讓經歷過的創傷

of who you've come to be,

成為自己的一部分，

and you need to fold the worst events of your life

並將人生中經歷過的最糟事件

into a narrative of triumph,

化為勝利的故事，

evincing a better self

成為更好的自己，

in response to things that hurt.

以回應那些曾傷害你的事。

One of the other mothers I interviewed

我寫書時所訪談過的

when I was working on my book

其中一位母親

had been raped as an adolescent,

在青少年時期曾被強暴，

and had a child following that rape,

還因此懷孕生子，

which had thrown away her career plans

讓她必須從此拋棄原有的事業計劃，

and damaged all of her emotional relationships.

且重創了她所有的感情關係。

But when I met her, she was 50,

當我認識她時，她 50 歲，

and I said to her,

我告訴她：

"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"

「妳會時常想起強暴妳的那個人嗎？」

And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,

她回答：「我以前想到他會滿腔怒火，

but now only with pity."

但現在只會可憐他。」

And I thought she meant pity because he was

我本想，她說的可憐是覺得

so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.

強暴犯野蠻到會做出這種事。

And I said, "Pity?"

我問：「可憐？」

And she said, "Yes,

她說：「是啊，

because he has a beautiful daughter

因為他有這麼漂亮的女兒，

and two beautiful grandchildren

以及兩位可愛的小孫子，

and he doesn't know that, and I do.

卻一點都不知道，而我知道。

So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."

所以我其實才是幸運的那一個。」

Some of our struggles are things we're born to:

我們面臨到的有些掙扎是天生的：

our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.

性別、性向、種族、殘疾。

And some are things that happen to us:

有些則是後天的：

being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,

政治犯、性侵被害者、

being a Katrina survivor.

卡崔娜颶風生還者。

Identity involves entering a community

建立身分需要進到一個社群，

to draw strength from that community,

從那社群中找尋力量，

and to give strength there too.

並給予社群力量。

It involves substituting "and" for "but" --

需要用「而且」代替「但是」，

not "I am here but I have cancer,"

不要說：「我還活著，但我患有癌症。」

but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."

而是說：「我患有癌症，而我還活著。」

When we're ashamed,

當我們羞愧的時候，

we can't tell our stories,

我們就無法述說自己的故事，

and stories are the foundation of identity.

而這些故事正是身分的基礎。

Forge meaning, build identity,

鑄造意義、建立身分；

forge meaning and build identity.

鑄造意義、建立身分。

That became my mantra.

這變成了我的咒語。

Forging meaning is about changing yourself.

鑄造意義是關於改變自己；

Building identity is about changing the world.

建立身分是關於改變世界。

All of us with stigmatized identities

身分被汙名化的所有人

face this question daily:

每天都面對這個問題：

how much to accommodate society

為了融入社會

by constraining ourselves,

要限制自己多少？

and how much to break the limits

要打破多少限制

of what constitutes a valid life?

才能活出一個真正的人生？

Forging meaning and building identity

鑄造意義和建立身分

does not make what was wrong right.

並不會顛倒是非，

It only makes what was wrong precious.

只會讓錯變得更寶貴。

In January of this year,

今年一月

I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,

我到緬甸訪問政治犯。

and I was surprised to find them less bitter

我感到意外的是，

than I'd anticipated.

他們比我想像中的還怡然自得。

Most of them had knowingly committed

大部分的政治犯 明知道他們所犯下的罪

the offenses that landed them in prison,

會讓他們進監獄，

and they had walked in with their heads held high,

但仍昂首地走進獄中，

and they walked out with their heads

多年後同樣昂首地走出來。

still held high, many years later.

多年後同樣昂首地走出來。

Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist

馬蒂妲醫生是人權積極分子，

who had nearly died in prison

她差點死在監獄中，

and had spent many years in solitary confinement,

且有好幾年都在單獨監禁中度過。

told me she was grateful to her jailers

她告訴我，她很感激那些獄吏

for the time she had had to think,

讓她有時間思考、

for the wisdom she had gained,

讓她更有智慧、

for the chance to hone her meditation skills.

讓她有機會增進冥想技巧。

She had sought meaning

她也尋求這其中的意義，

and made her travail into a crucial identity.

並將痛苦轉為很重要的一種身分。

But if the people I met

但如果我遇見的這些人

were less bitter than I'd anticipated

對於身在監獄

about being in prison,

比我想像中的更加泰然，

they were also less thrilled than I'd expected

那他們也比我預料中的更不期待

about the reform process going on

他們國家所經歷的改革過程。

in their country.

他們國家所經歷的改革過程。

Ma Thida said,

馬蒂妲說：

"We Burmese are noted

「我們緬甸人很著名的是

for our tremendous grace under pressure,

面對壓力時所展現的無比優雅，

but we also have grievance under glamour,"

但在我們的光環底下也有委屈。」

she said, "and the fact that there have been

她說：「而事實是，

these shifts and changes

這些轉換和改變

doesn't erase the continuing problems

並不會消弭我們社會中一直存在的問題

in our society

並不會消弭我們社會中一直存在的問題

that we learned to see so well

我們在監獄中的時候，把這些問題都看清了。」

while we were in prison."

我們在監獄中的時候，把這些問題都看清了。」

And I understood her to be saying

我認為她的意思是

that concessions confer only a little humanity,

在人性需要真正能顯現的地方，妥協只賦予一丁點人性，

where full humanity is due,

在人性需要真正能顯現的地方，妥協只賦予一丁點人性，

that crumbs are not the same

就像給人麵包屑，

as a place at the table,

不等於可以坐上桌一樣。

which is to say you can forge meaning

也就是說，你可以鑄造意義

and build identity and still be mad as hell.

並建立身分，同時還是滿腔怒火。

I've never been raped,

我沒有被強暴過，

and I've never been in anything remotely approaching

也從來沒有做過任何

a Burmese prison,

會被關進緬甸監獄的事。

but as a gay American,

但身為同性戀的美國人，

I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,

我經歷過偏見甚至仇恨，

and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,

我鑄造過意義也建立過身分，

which is a move I learned from people

這是我從那些

who had experienced far worse privation

比我經歷過更糟糕處境的人身上 學到的對策。

than I've ever known.

比我經歷過更糟糕處境的人身上 學到的對策。

In my own adolescence,

我自己的青少年時期

I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.

也曾為了改變性向而做出極端之舉，。

I enrolled myself in something called

我參與了一種

sexual surrogacy therapy,

性向替代療法

in which people I was encouraged to call doctors

裡面有所謂的醫生，

prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises

需要做所謂的療法，

with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,

對象是所謂的女性代理人，

who were not exactly prostitutes

這些代理人不算妓女，

but who were also not exactly anything else.

但也不算是其他別的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

My particular favorite

我最喜歡的代理人

was a blonde woman from the Deep South

是一位來自南方腹地的金髮女人，

who eventually admitted to me

後來終於跟我承認

that she was really a necrophiliac

她有戀屍癖，

and had taken this job after she got in trouble

她之所以會做這份工作，是因為她在停屍間遇到了點麻煩。

down at the morgue.

是因為她在停屍間遇到了點麻煩。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

These experiences eventually allowed me to have

這種經驗終究讓我

some happy physical relationships with women,

跟女性有種蠻愉悅的肢體關係，

for which I'm grateful,

對此我很感激，

but I was at war with myself,

但我陷入與自己的戰爭中，

and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.

也在我心底埋下很深的創傷。

We don't seek the painful experiences

我們並不找尋會鑿開身分的痛苦經驗，

that hew our identities,

我們並不找尋會鑿開身分的痛苦經驗，

but we seek our identities

但我們尋找的身分

in the wake of painful experiences.

是尾隨痛苦經驗而來的。

We cannot bear a pointless torment,

我們無法承受無意義的折磨，

but we can endure great pain

但我們可以忍受極大的痛苦，

if we believe that it's purposeful.

只要我們相信這是有意義的。

Ease makes less of an impression on us

泰然在我們身上留下的印記

than struggle.

，比掙扎更淺。

We could have been ourselves without our delights,

沒有喜樂我們還是可以做自己，

but not without the misfortunes

但沒了驅使我們找尋意義的厄運那就做不到。

that drive our search for meaning.

但沒了驅使我們找尋意義的厄運那就做不到。

"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"

「因此，我以軟弱為歡喜，」

St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,

聖保羅在哥林多後書裡寫道，

"for when I am weak, then I am strong."

「因為當我軟弱時，我就能變得剛強。」

In 1988, I went to Moscow

1988 年，我去了莫斯科

to interview artists of the Soviet underground,

訪問蘇聯地鐵的藝術家，

and I expected their work to be

我期望他們的作品是充滿異議及政治的。

dissident and political.

我期望他們的作品是充滿異議及政治的。

But the radicalism in their work actually lay

但他們作品中的激進

in reinserting humanity into a society

其實是為了將人性重放回社會中，

that was annihilating humanity itself,

因為這個社會正在泯滅人性，

as, in some senses, Russian society

某些方面看來，這樣的事在俄羅斯社會正在重演。

is now doing again.

這樣的事在俄羅斯社會正在重演。

One of the artists I met said to me,

其中一位藝術家告訴我：

"We were in training to be not artists but angels."

「我們被訓練做天使，而非藝術家」。

In 1991, I went back to see the artists

1991 年，我又回去見了這些我筆下的藝術家，

I'd been writing about,

見了這些我筆下的藝術家，

and I was with them during the putsch

當推翻蘇聯的政變發生時，我正與他們在一起，

that ended the Soviet Union,

當推翻蘇聯的政變發生時，我正與他們在一起，

and they were among the chief organizers

他們也與推動政變的主要發起人一起。

of the resistance to that putsch.

他們也與推動政變的主要發起人一起。

And on the third day of the putsch,

政變第三天，

one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.

有人建議我們走到斯摩棱斯克。

And we went there,

我們到那時，

and we arranged ourselves in front of one of the barricades,

在路障前面找個位置待著。

and a little while later,

一會兒過後，

a column of tanks rolled up,

一排坦克車過來，

and the soldier on the front tank said,

第一輛坦克車上的士兵說：

"We have unconditional orders

「我們有令，不論如何都要破壞這些柵欄。

to destroy this barricade.

不論如何都要破壞這些柵欄。

If you get out of the way,

如果你們現在讓開，

we don't need to hurt you,

那我們就不會傷害你們。

but if you won't move, we'll have no choice

但如果你們不走，我們只能將你們輾過去，別無他擇。」

but to run you down."

我們只能將你們輾過去，別無他擇。」

And the artists I was with said,

我身邊的藝術家就說：

"Give us just a minute.

「給我們一分鐘

Give us just a minute to tell you why we're here."

，就一分鐘，述說我們來此的原因。」

And the soldier folded his arms,

那位士兵雙手在胸前交叉，

and the artist launched into a Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy

然後藝術家唸了傑佛遜的民主頌詞

such as those of us who live

，我們這些住在傑佛遜式民主國家的人都還唸不出來的頌詞。

in a Jeffersonian democracy

，我們這些住在傑佛遜式民主國家的人都還唸不出來的頌詞。

would be hard-pressed to present.

，我們這些住在傑佛遜式民主國家的人都還唸不出來的頌詞。

And they went on and on,

他們一直說下去，

and the soldier watched,

而士兵也看著，

and then he sat there for a full minute

他聽完後，在那裡坐滿一分鐘，

after they were finished

他聽完後，在那裡坐滿一分鐘，

and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain,

就在雨中看著滿是泥濘的我們，

and said, "What you have said is true,

說道：「你們說的是事實，

and we must bow to the will of the people.

而我們必須遵從人民的意志。

If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,

如果你們願意讓路讓我們掉頭，

we'll go back the way we came."

那我們會照原路回去。」

And that's what they did.

他們也確實這麼做了。

Sometimes, forging meaning

有時候，鑄造意義

can give you the vocabulary you need

可以給你所需的詞彙，

to fight for your ultimate freedom.

讓你爭取最終的自由。

Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion

俄羅斯讓我想到檸檬汁的概念，

that oppression breeds the power to oppose it,

壓榨只會助長反對勢力，

and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone

而我漸漸了解這就是身分的基石。