Based on the book everyone's mom read on the beach comes the best-acted, coolest-looking,

most well-written Lifetime movie ever made:

Gone Girl.

Meet Nick and Amy, two successful good-looking people in love.

She's the basis for a beloved series of children's books

"Your wife is Amazing Amy?!"

and he's a caring son who moves to Missouri to take care of his sick mother.

They seem like they're the perfect couple, but there's just one problem:

she's batsh*t f***ing crazy.

Settle in for the film that had audiences everywhere wondering if their significant

other was planning to kill them,

in this cold-hearted look at how all men are pigs or how all women are monsters.

Or both?

Either way, you probably shouldn't see it on the first date.

"I picture cracking her lovely skull, unspooling her brains."

Ben Affleck stars as a guy everyone loves to hate.

"You look like human sh*t."

"You're a f***ing coward."

"You f***ing idiot."

"Asshole."

"F***ing asshole!"

When his wife Amy disappears, he'll respond by acting as guilty as humanly possible

"You filed the paperwork!"

"Because she told me to!"

and banging the hot chick from the Blurred Lines video.

Mmmm, blurred bewwwwbs.

Rosamund Pike shines as the most well-organized crazy person ever,

a murderer who's sick and tired of acting cool just to please a man

even though, unlike the book, we never see her do anything cool.

Ever.

"All we did was resent each other and try to control each other."

"That's marriage."

Follow along as she escapes her cheating husband by

creating fake money troubles,

befriending the local pregnant idiot so she can steal her pee to fake a pregnancy,

staging a crime scene with gallons of her own blood,

creating a five year diary of fake abuse stories,

then planning to kill herself so she can frame him for her murder...

instead of, I don't know, divorcing him?

Seems a lot easier to me!

Experience the film critics are still debating for being either pro- or anti-feminist

even though its message boils down to:

don't have sex with crazy people,

a lesson that Neil Patrick Harris clearly didn't pay attention to.

"A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. You want a girl to be

above this line."

Oops.

Witness director David Fincher at the height of his powers,

as he reveals each twist and turn with his trademark futurisms, like

smooth camera pans,

a cool color palette,

a dank abandoned building,

nihilism,

"Life: I don't remember the point."

sociopaths,

low-lit interiors,

ambient music,

haze,

and general f***ed-upedness.

Wait, is she putting that in her...

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Man, this movie is messed up!

So, settle in for a nearly three hour movie

that will keep you on the edge of your seat,

full of manipulations,

murder,

and deceit,

until Ben Affleck finally gets his revenge by...

staying with her to start a family?

"You want to stay with her."

What?! Why would he do that?

Run, dude!

And... is that his dick?!

What is happening?

Man, this ending is weird.

Starring...

Adnan Syed,

Chasing Amy,

Madea Good Movie For Once,

Safesearch Off,

Doogie Housed Her,

Nancy Grace,

and Still Almost Famous.

Your Wife Probably Wants To Kill You.

"I swear, you two are the most f***ed up people I've ever known."

This movie really could've used more Tyler Perry.

Ugh, did I really just say that?