where you'll learn skills and techniques to be the best boyfriend you can be.

你將學習到當超完美男友的所有技巧

Now, if you're a girl watching this, you probably just be doing this the whole time.

如果你是女生，看到這個影片你應該會全程一直這樣...

nodding along to the genius that known these tips.

對我這個知道所有技巧的天才狂點頭

You're welcome.

不客氣

First tip: be humble.

第一點：謙虛謙虛再謙虛

No girl wants a cocky guy nor do they want a cock.

沒有任何一個女孩喜歡自大或驕傲的男孩

A guy that is timid and afraid like a chicken,

更不喜歡膽小如鼠的男孩，

so be confident but stay humble like me: The humbleness guy I know in the humblest villetown.

所以要像我一樣有自信但同時又懂得謙虛：鎮上最謙虛有禮的人

Be mature.

成熟點！

The perfect boyfriend? More like the perfect man friend.

完美的男朋友？是完美的男人吧！

because girls don't want a little boy, they want a man. It's time to mature.

因為女孩們想要的不是小男生，她們要的是男人。是時候變得成熟點了

Grow up.

該長大了！

The next time you hear a fart joke, you hold that laugh in.

下次聽到別人放屁時，不要笑

(laughter)

(笑聲)

Hey man, that's just a natural process of life. Not that funny.

嘿！這只不過是正常的自然現象罷了，不好笑

Because mature men don't laugh at fart. They mature way past that, all the way to...

因為成熟的男人不會因為人家放屁就笑別人，他們非常成熟，成熟到...

(laughter)

(笑聲)

Sharts.

屎屁 (Shit+Fart)

Be supportive.

支持女友

Supporting people is easy, but the perfect boyfriend supports everything she says and does to the very fullest.

支持聽起來很簡單，但完美男友是要完全支持女友說和做的每一件事

The new girl at work is so irritating again, I just want to kill her sometimes.

新來的員工超煩的，有時候真的很想殺掉她

Yes, do that. Murder her ass.

好啊！殺爆她

What? I'll start planning all the route and I've already got the gun right here and maybe we can head together around nine.

什麼？我會開始計畫路線圖然後我已經準備好槍，或許我們可以九點出發

I don't actually want to murder her.

我並不是真的想殺掉她

Exactly, don't murder anyone because that would be crazy.

對阿！不可以殺掉任何人因為這太瘋狂了

Hey I am not crazy.

我才沒有瘋！

The most sane person I know.

當然沒瘋，妳是我認識最理智的人了！

Would you stop?

夠了沒？

Took the words right out of my mouth, stopping right now.

立刻收回我說的話，馬上閉嘴

Gosh, sometimes you can be such an idiot!

天啊！有時候你真的很像白癡

The dumbest idiot around, I hate me.

對啊我超智障的，連我自己都討厭我自己

Just shut up.

拜託閉嘴好不好

So closed that how my mouth is gonna to be from now on.

現在開始嘴巴關緊緊

Oh my god.

噢！我的老天啊！

God. Church. Prayer. Love it.

上帝，教堂，禱告，神愛世人

Somebody please shoot me already

來人阿！拜託殺了我吧！

Cute and meaningful nicknames.

可愛而且有意義的綽號

When you're in a relationship for a while, you give each other nicknames.

當你們在一起一段時間後，會為對方取綽號

And the last thing you wanna do as a perfect boyfriend is give her a nickname that is generic and has no meaning at all.

當個完美男友絕對不可以做的就是，給她取一個很普通又沒意義的綽號

Never call your girlfriend baby.

千萬不要叫女友「寶貝」

Because that will make you a pedophile.

這樣會讓你像個戀童癖

Don't ever call her angel because she's not dead and please whatever you do, never call your girlfriend bae.

也絕對不要叫她天使，因為她又還沒死，而且不管怎樣，千萬不要叫你女友「小親親」

Not only is that over used but she's not a small part in the ocean with the land curves inward.

不只是因為這個綽號太多人用了，而且你女友又不是大海中的一塊內陸地 (bae和 bay 海灘，發音相同)

The perfect boyfriend will come up with a perfect nickname, something cute, something unique, something like...

超完美男友一定會幫女友取一個可愛又獨特的綽號，像是...

Hey Ryan.

嗨 Ryan

Hello, fat boy.

哈囉，小胖妞

What?

什麼？

My favorite ice cream sandwich.

小胖妞是我最喜歡的三明治餅乾

You look like a dirty hole. - Excuse me?

妳這個小髒鬼 - 你說什麼？

Ya, I don't know what that hole is doing inside, there's whole mud all over it.

對啊！那裡怎麼會有一個洞？而且旁邊全都是泥巴

Oh wow, I didn't see you come in, come over here you little bitch.

噢！我沒看見你進來了，過來吧你這個小騷貨

What did you just call me?

你剛剛叫我什麼？

You just such a cute female dog. Yes, you are. What a cute bitch.

你這隻可愛的母狗，你真的是可愛的小騷貨

Oh Lindsey, you come in. Hey there, pedophile.

噢 Lindsey，妳來了！嗨戀童癖

Hey baby.

嗨寶貝

Exact opposites.

說反話

In order to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be attractive to your girl

當一個超完美男友，你一定要非常有吸引力。科學家還有某些人說，跟女友唱反調她一定會覺得你更迷人。

and they do say that the opposite attract, both scientists and people who say that, say that.

So if you want to be a supportive boyfriend you also have to be the exact opposite of her in every single way.

所以想當個支持女友的男友，你一定要處處跟她唱反調

I like this outfit, what do you think?

我喜歡這件衣服，你覺得呢？

Eww, I hate that outfit.

噢！我討厭那套衣服

Really? Maybe I should change then.

真的嗎？那我換別套好了

Well, then I think you shouldn't change then.

這樣我覺得你不應該換別套服裝

But you just say you hated it.

但你剛剛自己說不喜歡耶！

- Didn't just say I love it? - Are you just saying the opposite of everything I'm saying?

- 我沒說我愛它嗎？- 你現在是在跟我唱反調就對了？

I'm not saying the same as nothing you said.

我只是沒跟你說一樣的而已

- Ok... - Ko...

- Ok... - Ko...

- I like the color white. - I like the color black.

- 我喜歡白色 - 我喜歡黑色

- I love oranges. - Apples are my favorite.

- 我喜歡橘子 - 蘋果是我的最愛

- I love to watch Big Bang Theory. - love Friends.

- 我喜歡看「生活大爆炸。」 - 我喜歡看「六人行。」

I love How I Met Your Mother.

我喜歡看「追愛總動員。」

You're not even a part of this, and How I Met Your Mother has the worst ending ever.

你根本不應該出現在這部片裡，而且「追愛總動員」的結局超爛

You are a part of this and How I Met Your mother... Ya, it had the worst ending ever.

你是這部片的一份子，而且「追愛總動員」的結局...真的超爛

Get along with her friends.

學會跟女友的朋友們相處

The famous point known only as the Spice Girls once said, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."

這個論點最著名的就是辣妹合唱團曾說過：「如果你想成為我的愛人，你就必須要跟我的姊妹們好好相處。」

So date all her friends.

那就跟她所有的朋友都約會一下啊！

Stay away from the period.

生理期來時請遠離她

When it comes to girls...no cut the music, this one is not even a joke.

當女友的生理期來....欸把音樂切掉，這不是在開玩笑

When it comes to a girl's time of the month, for your own safety, just stay away from the topic.

當女友的生理期來時，為了你的自身安全，遠離任何關於生理期的話題就對了

Don't talk about it, don't mention it, and especially do not make any joke that has anything to do with the time of the month, period.

不要聊生理期，也不要提到它，最重要的是千萬不可以開這個話題的玩笑，就這樣

And last but not least, comfort her when she's down.

最後，當女友情緒低潮時要懂得安慰她

No matter how perfect the boyfriend you are, there's gonna be time when your girl is feeling down or sad or maybe she just on her periodic table of elements.

不管你是多麼完美的男友，女友總有心情不好的時候或是她正處於一個「元素週期表」的狀態。(period是經期的意思，主角本來要提到period這個字但把他為了不要提到經期，所以轉換成元素週期表)

See that was a test, good job, I passed.

看吧！那是個小測驗，太好了我通過了

But as I was saying, there's gonna be sad time, and you know if you want to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be there and comfort her and know exactly what to say, even in the toughest situations.

但就像我講的，一個完美男友，一定要在女友傷心低潮時在她旁邊陪她、安慰她，而且儘管在最糟的狀況下還要懂得該說什麼。

Hey Gie, what's wrong?

嘿！怎麼啦？

My grandfather just passed.

我爺爺過世了

So sorry.

真遺憾

Hey, he is in a better place now.

嘿！他現在在一個更好的地方了

Hey Gie, what's wrong?

嘿！怎麼啦？

My dog ran away and I can't find him.

我的狗不見了，而且我一直找不到牠

Oh, I am so sorry. Hey, he is in a better place now.

噢！我很抱歉，不過牠現在在一個更好的地方了

Hey Gie, what's wrong?

嘿！怎麼啦？

Nothing, I'm about to start my period and Sarah used my last tampon.

沒什麼，我生理期要來了，但是Sarah把我最後一個衛生棉條用完了

Boy: Oh, so sorry, but hey, he's in a better place... Girl: Don't you say it.

男孩：噢真抱歉，它現在在一個更好的地方... 女孩：你到底在說什麼！

Boy: say what? Girl: You can't keep saying the same thing over and over again.

男孩：什麼？ 女孩：你不能每次都講一樣的話啊！

I'm just trying to comfort you.

我在試著安慰你耶！

It's not comforting.

這才不是安慰！

I just don't understand why just for once you can't be like any other normal boyfriend and comfort me like...Ryan?

我真的不懂為什麼你不能一次就好，當個正常的男友然後給我安慰，Ryan？

Where have you....?

你跑去哪...？

I'm in a better place now.

我已經在更好的地方了

Ryan? What the...Where are you?

Ryan 你在搞什麼鬼？你在哪裡？

I've told you I'm in a better place less yelling over here.

我已經告訴你我在更好的地方了，一個沒有大吼大叫的地方

What the heck? You can't just leave the note and leave in the mid conversation.

搞什麼？你不可以在我們講話的時候突然離開只留下紙條啊！

Boy: What note? Girl: The note right here...

男孩：什麼紙條？女孩：就是這個紙條...

Where's the note? (phone rings)

紙條呢？(電話響起)

The note is in a better place now.

紙條已經在更好的地方了

Are you f*cking kidding me?

你在跟我開玩笑嗎？

What the ...

搞什麼！

Where did everything...

所有東西跑去哪了？

Welcome Gie, the better place.

歡迎來到更美好的地方

Hey, my dog and grandpa. You're back too. That must be...where's my tampons?

嘿！這是我的狗還有爺爺！都回來了，這一定就是我的...我的衛生棉條呢？

I'm sorry, your what?

抱歉，什麼？

My tampons. it's that time of the month. I need it, remember?

我的衛生棉條啊！我生理期要來了，我需要棉條，記得嗎？

Oh no, if you don't have those, you have to leave.

噢不！如果你生理期來時沒有用棉條的話，你就必須離開

What?

什麼？

This entire place is completely white. You have to leave.

這整個地方都是白色的，你必須要離開喲！

Are you making a period joke?

你現在是在開生理期的玩笑嗎？(因為生理期的血是紅色的)

No no no, I wasn't ...I wasn't...I wasn't trying to make it..

不不不，我不是...

That was the one thing you never do.

你以前從來不會這樣

Look, I was...it's just perfectly fine. You can stay. We can use a little more colors in here. That is gross.

嘿聽著，你當然可以待在這裡，我們這裡也可以增加一點色彩嘛！天阿好噁心。

I mean, that is not gross because it's a perfect period of time for girls. I mean, time period. I mean not period, commas. PMS

我的意思是說一點都不噁心，因為對女生來說生理期是一段完美的時間！我是說時間的那種期間，逗號。我不是在說生理期或是經前症候群。

Oh bloody hell.

噢天啊！

Just calm down, ok?

冷靜下來好嗎？

It's just a natural process of life.

這不過是正常的自然現象罷了

And that's the story, kids, of how I shouldn't met your mother.

孩子們，這就是我不應該認識你媽媽的故事

That's not funny when you do it. That's just gross. You're gross.

你放屁時一點都不好笑，很噁心耶！你好噁心！

And thank you guys so much for watching.

非常感謝你們的觀賞