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  • I was barely a teenager the first time I tried to kill myself.

    我第一次企圖自殺時,是在剛進入青春期的時候

  • If I knew then what I know now, well, it probably wouldn't have changed very much.

    如果當時我跟現在一樣懂事...好吧,應該也不會有多大改變

  • And it probably wouldn't have changed very much because sometimes it doesn't matter what you know, what you feel just takes over.

    因為,知道什麼已經不重要了,你的感覺凌駕一切

  • And there are so many ways like this that our perception becomes limited.

    因為這樣的緣故,我們的認知變得很有限

  • In fact, our perception is its limits

    其實,我們是受限於「認知」本身

  • and these limits, they're created by our biology, by our psychology, by our society.

    我們的生理心理,甚至社會環境,都限制了我們本身

  • These are the factors which create that bubble which surrounds us,

    這些要素形成泡影,包圍了我們

  • that is our perceptual field: Our world as we know it.

    成為認知領域,也就是我們所知的世界

  • Now this bubble, our perceptual field that has this incredible ability to expand and to contract based on changes in any of those factors which create an informant.

    我們的認知領域能顯著地擴大與集中,對外在要素的變動產生反應

  • Most of us have experienced the challenges of the contraction of our perception from time to time.

    大部分的人都有經歷過這種認知領域的挑戰

  • Think about that time when you got cut off in traffic, in the city, it was probably today let's face it.

    來回想被別人硬超車的時候吧,也許今天才發生過

  • When it happened maybe you felt your heart rate start to quicken, your face flush, you jammed on your breaks in order to avoid a collision.

    當時你可能心跳加快,面紅耳赤,用力踩剎車,避免相撞

  • And when you did, you focused in on that one license plate as it sped by.

    這時,你注意力集中在車旁呼嘯而過的車牌號碼

  • Maybe the only thing to go through your mind at that time was how creative you could be in the words you were about to hurl out the window at that guy.

    也許當時,你心中只想著搖下車窗,對那名駕駛展開一連串創意國罵

  • Now eventually your perception would have returned to normal.

    最後,你的認知還是會回歸正常

  • You would have relaxed, you would havewent on with your day, you probably would have even forgotten about it.

    你可能會放鬆,繼續一整天的工作,甚至可能完全忘記這件事

  • But imagine you didn't, imagine you stayed there, stuck there, in that narrow dark place.

    想像一下,假如你沒回歸正常,一直待在那種狀態,被困在又窄又暗的地方

  • Well that's what it can be like to live with a mental illness.

    這就是精神疾病患者的日常感受

  • At least that's what it was like for me at the depth of my own mental illness as a teenager.

    至少,在我青春期深受精神疾病所苦時,感覺就是如此

  • My perception had become constricted and darkened and collapsed.

    我的認知被束縛,變得昏暗,完全瓦解

  • I felt like an asthmatic who had lost his glasses in a hurricane.

    我覺得自己就像在颱風天遺失眼鏡的氣喘病患

  • So when I was sitting in that chair across from my eighth-grade guidance counselor,

    所以當我坐在八年級的輔導老師對面時

  • the only thing that I could think was you're not good enough; you're not smart enough, You're Not Enough.

    我唯一想到的是,自己不夠厲害、不夠聰明、什麼都不夠好

  • And it didn't matter if I was, because these were the constricted limits of my perception.

    就算真的是這樣,也不重要了,我的認知就受限在這裡

  • So when I held that 8-inch chef's knife in my hand and I raised it to my throat

    所以我手拿八英吋長的菜刀,準備割開自己喉嚨

  • and I pressed it there and I felt the blood begin to trickle down my hand.

    我把刀用力壓下去,感覺血順著我的手慢慢流下來

  • The only thing I could think in that moment: nobody would even know you're gone.

    當時我只認為:沒有人會知道你離開了

  • I heard the guidance counselor ask from across the room, miles away it seemed like

    輔導老師的聲音從教室另一端傳來,聽起來有好幾哩遠

  • he said, “Mark, please don't.” I heard him but I wasn't listening. I just took a deep breath. I don't have a choice.

    他說:「馬克,不要!」我恍若未聞,深吸一口氣,因為我沒有選擇

  • Had the guidance counselor not reached for me across the room, tackled me to the floor,

    要不是輔導老師衝過來,把我撲倒地上

  • wrestled that knife from my hand, maybe I wouldn't be here today. I think about that a lot.

    搶走我手上的刀子,我今天不會站在這裡,我常常都在想這件事

  • Now not all days were that dramatic. In fact, most days I probably seemed like just any other normal kid if not a little quiet.

    其實不是每天都那麼戲劇化,大部分時間,我就像個普通小孩,只是安靜了一些而已

  • And because the truth is I was. In fact, I was so normal most people never would have guessed

    但事實上我就是。我看起來太平凡了,大部分人都猜不到

  • they probably would have even been surprised to find outhow I would hate the way the sunlight came in my window every morning when I would wake up.

    他們會很驚訝,我每天早上起床時,有多痛恨太陽升起

  • I know that some of you know that feeling too.

    我知道在座部分觀眾也懂這種感覺

  • I was so normal that a few years later after not getting the help that I so clearly needed,

    我就是這麼平凡。幾年之後,因為沒有受到我顯然需要的幫助

  • most people would have never known that I was the one that had caused so much commotion late one night when I tried to jump from an overpass.

    大多數人都不知道我就是曾經在大半夜要跳天橋而造成騷動的人

  • Then again if they did know, I would have been the last to find out anyway, because that's how these types of things go.

    如果他們知道的話,還是無法及時發現我的情況,因為這種事情一向如此

  • People seem plenty eager to talk about mental illness and about suicide just as long as it's behind closed doors and in hushed voices.

    人們似乎只有在關上門、壓低聲音時,才會想要談論精神疾病跟自殺

  • Well this is the part that I'm doing differently with you today:

    這就是為什麼我今天帶給大家這麼不一樣的主題

  • by sharing with you my experiences I hope to raise my voice and I hope to open those doors. And this is how I do it.

    我希望能透過分享經驗,讓這些種事情受到更多重視,我就要這樣做

  • I remember. I remember I was wandering the empty streets of my hometown.

    我記得自己曾徘徊在家鄉空蕩蕩的街上

  • I was alone this time unlike that other time. And it's because I wanted to die alone.

    這次和之前不一樣,我身旁沒有人,因為我想要孤單地死去

  • My mind was running, screaming, shaking, collapsing in on itself again.

    我內心再次奔騰、叫喊、搖擺、崩潰

  • When you're in that place and your perception is collapsing like that, those old thoughts kept coming back again:

    當你處在那種狀態,認知完全崩解,過去的想法會再次一擁而上

  • you're not good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not enough.

    你不夠好,你不夠聰明,你太弱了

  • So I walked up and I approached the railing to the overpass.

    所以我握著欄杆走上天橋

  • I walked along it. I looked over. I came to a light post on my left hand side and I stopped.

    我沿著欄杆走,往外看,在左手邊的路燈停了下來

  • Should I hang in there for just one more day?

    我要再多撐一天嗎?

  • That's a phrase that people always seem to ask themselves when they're suicidal I found.

    我發現,許多人在自殺前會問自己這個問題

  • I asked it to myself and others with whom I've worked, young people today, they've asked it too.

    我自己和許多我輔導過的年輕人都是這樣

  • It's an instinctual word of hope. Should I hang on there for just one more day?

    「我應該再多撐一天嗎?」是一種得到希望的本能

  • For what? To be that crazy kid. I've already held on for this long and things haven't gotten any better.

    為了什麼?為了變成那種瘋小孩?我已經堅持很久,卻都沒有好轉

  • Why would I keep trying what hasn't been working?

    為什麼我要繼續徒勞無功?

  • I'm not crazy. My perception was collapsing.

    我沒有瘋,我的認知已經瓦解了

  • It was squeezing out that instinctual hope that everybody has inside them.

    瓦解到內心深處已經沒有希望了

  • So I climbed the railing in three parts like rungs on a ladder.

    所以我就像爬梯子一樣,爬上欄杆

  • I was being very careful not to slip.

    小心翼翼地,避免滑下去

  • I climbed back down the other side again. I had very few choices in my life.

    然後從欄杆另外一側爬下來。我的人生很少有選擇

  • But this: This was certainly one and I needed somethinganything that I could be certain about.

    但這次是第一次,我需要任何可以確信的事情

  • So I turned around and I felt the railing pressing against my back just below my shoulder blades.

    所以我轉身,感覺著背緊貼著欄杆,就在肩膀下方

  • I stretched my arms out on its cool metal surface. I remember feeling raindrops under my fingers.

    我伸出手臂,貼著冰冷的金屬表面,我還記得欄杆上雨滴的觸感

  • I looked down at my shoes. My running shoes were old, worn-out, tired. My heels were on the concrete.

    我向下看,看到自己又破又舊的跑鞋,後跟在水泥上

  • My toes were on nothing. I looked past my toes to the ground 50 or so feet below.

    腳趾懸空,我看著腳下五十英呎遠的地上

  • And on the ground I saw a rusted out chain link fence topped by three strings of barbed wire.

    那裡有道生鏽鏈條組成的圍籬,上方有著三條有刺的鐵絲網

  • As I was standing there in that moment, the only thing that I could think for my collapsed perception was: How far out?

    當時我崩潰內心裡唯一的想法是:該跳多遠呢?

  • Would I need to jump from this bridge so I wouldn't land on that fence?

    我要從橋上跳多遠,才不會掉到圍籬上?

  • Because I just didn't want it to – I just didn't want it to hurt anymore.

    因為我不想再被它...我不想再受任何傷害

  • In that moment, my entire life was completely in my control.

    當下,我的人生完全在我的掌握之中

  • And when you're living in a hurricane like this all the time,

    當你的生活一團亂時,

  • that's a really unfamiliar but really satisfying feeling: to feel like you have control over your whole life.

    那是種不熟悉卻令人滿足的感覺,因為你可以掌握自己的人生

  • So I stayed like that for a while.

    所以我就這樣站了一陣子

  • I just stood there in that feeling, experiencing that feeling of having agency over my life for a change.

    我就站在那裡,體驗這種主導自己人生的感覺

  • Eventually I was brought back into the present by a man's voice over my right shoulder.

    最後,我被背後傳來的男人聲音帶回現實

  • I talked to him for a while but even today I don't remember about what.

    我和他聊了一陣子,但我到現在還是想不起來對話內容

  • He was wearing a light brown jacket but I don't remember his face.

    他身穿淺咖啡色的外套,但我不記得他的長相

  • I didn't look back long enough and I never saw him again. Before I knew it,

    我沒有回頭看太久,之後再也沒有看過他,在我回過神之前

  • I could see flashing lights from the corner of my eyes.

    我用餘光看到旁邊燈光閃爍

  • I looked to my right and to my left and there were three police cars on either side blocking off the street.

    我看向兩旁,發現三輛警車封住了街道

  • There were crowds of late night gatherers gawking at me from either side.

    好幾群晚歸的人在路口瞠目結舌地看著我

  • This was 2, 3 in the morning I guess. Either they came home from the bars or they just walked up to see what was going on.

    我猜當時是凌晨兩三點,他們不是剛離開酒吧,就是來看熱鬧

  • A male voice from my right side, I heard him scream to me, "Jump, you coward!"

    從我右手邊傳來一個男性的聲音,我聽到他對我說:「跳啊!膽小鬼!」

  • Okay. That's enough.

    那真是夠了

  • Again, I took a deep breath and as I did, my arms,

    我再次深呼吸,而此時此刻

  • they seemed to rise from the railing, like they'd suddenly become weightless and unburdened.

    我手臂就好像放開了欄杆,瞬間變得輕盈且無負擔

  • I could feel the edge of the concrete under the arches of my feet begin to shift.

    我可以感覺到腳下踩著水泥地的邊緣

  • I started to pitch forward. And as I did, I felt the wind blow around my body and on my face and through my hair and it felt free.

    我開始向前傾,我這麼做時,我感覺到風吹在我身上、臉上和頭髮時,非常自由

  • Then an arm reached around my chest, a hand grabbed the back of my shirt.

    然後有人把手臂擋在我胸前,有隻手從背後抓住我的襯衫

  • The man in the light brown jacket later told police that my body was completely limped

    後來,身穿淺咖啡色外套的男子告訴警察說

  • when he grabbed me and he dragged me backward over the railing.

    當他抓住我並把我拖回欄杆後方時,我的身體已經沒力了

  • Can suicide really be a choice if it's the only choice available?

    當自殺成為唯一出路時,那真的可算是種選項嗎?

  • We ask ourselveshow can it be the only choice?

    我們捫心自問,自殺怎麼會是唯一選擇?

  • How can it even be a rational choice? And hopefully we wonder and we ask ourselves: how we can help?

    自殺怎麼會是個理性的選擇?希望大家能好好思考並問問自己:我們能幫忙些什麼?

  • Well, we can start to help by better appreciating that our mental health is contingent on the state and the flexibility of our perceptions.

    我們可以從這個方式開始:了解心理健康取決我們認知的可塑性

  • Whether we have a mental illness or not, how expanded or how contracted our perception becomes, impacts the choices that we make.

    不管我們有沒有心理疾病,我們的認知領域的擴大或集中,都會影響我們的選擇

  • When I was standing on that bridge, my perception was so collapsed that I only had that one choice.

    當我站在橋上時,我的認知徹底瓦解,所以我只剩下那個選擇

  • Now when we encounter the suicide of somebody else, we always seem to try to rationalize it.

    我們遇到別人自殺時,總會試著將他們的行為合理化

  • I hear it all the time. And I think that's because we're uncomfortable with feeling helpless and with not understanding.

    我常聽到這種事,而我認為是因為我們不喜歡感到絕望及缺乏同理心

  • But since we know that our perceptions are created and continually informed by our biology, by our psychology and by our society,

    但因為我們知道認知是被我們的生心理,以及社會所創造與影響

  • we actually have many entry points for potentially helping and better understanding suicide.

    其實有很多方法可以更深入協助及了解自殺者

  • One way that we can help is to stop saying that people commit suicide.

    其中一個方法就是:我們不要說人們「自殺」 (commit 有「犯...罪」的意思)

  • People commit rape. They commit murder.

    人們會犯強姦罪、謀殺罪

  • But nobody has committed suicide in this country since the early 1970s when suicide was decriminalized.

    但自從1970年代早期,自殺被除罪化之後,這個國家就沒有人犯「自殺」罪了

  • And that's because suicide is a public health concern,

    那是因為自殺是公共衛生議題

  • not a criminal one. And it's a health concern; we know that.

    我們都知道自殺不是罪,而是健康議題

  • 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at the time of their death.

    百分之九十死於自殺的人都患有心理疾病,而且是可以治療的

  • And we know that with medication, with psychotherapy, these treatments work.

    我們知道有藥物和心理療法,而這些都是有效的

  • So we need to make these treatments more available in an informed way to everybody.

    所以我們要更努力將這些療法被更多人知道與利用

  • And we can be a part of that change, whether we have a mental illness or not,

    不管有沒有心理疾病,我們都能成為這個改變的一份子

  • by taking charge of our own mental health.

    從掌管我們自己的心理健康開始

  • When we go in for our annual physical, we make a point of doing an annual psychological too.

    例如:當我們每年做定期健康檢查時,也要定期檢查心理健康

  • At both the individual and societal levels, we can challenge our old ideas,

    無論在個人層面或社會層面,我們的舊思維都可以被挑戰

  • like that old idea of saying that people commit suicide.

    就像人們「自殺」這種說法

  • When I first started out doing this, I used to beg for somebody to do something about suicide and stigma.

    我一開始從事這項工作時,我一直期待有人能解決自殺汙名化的問題

  • Well that's not acceptable anymore. So instead I started doing something.

    但這樣不夠,我開始有所行動

  • When a leading cause of death among new mothers in the first year after childbirth is suicide, that’s not acceptable either.

    當新手媽媽生產後一年的主要死因是自殺時,那是無法接受的事情

  • When our First Nations in UN Metis communities are being ravaged by a suicide rate

    當我們的原住民在聯合國梅蒂斯社區的自殺率

  • five to six times higher than the national average, that's not acceptable.

    是全國平均自殺率的五、六倍,那是無法接受的事情

  • When almost a quarter of 15 to 25 year-olds who die at all die by suicide, that is not acceptable.

    十五至二十五歲人口有將近四分之一的死因是自殺,那是無法接受的事情

  • So like I said, when I used to plead for people to do something and that's not acceptable either.

    所以就像我所說,我之前期望「別人」有所作為,那也是無法接受的事情

  • Well you're here and you're doing something already

    你現在在這裡,就已經有所作為了

  • because you're changing the way you think and that's what changes the world.

    因為你的想法正在改變,世界也因此而改變

  • So for those of you who might be thinking about suicide today, good.

    如果你們正想著要自殺,很好

  • Keep thinking about it. And then start talking about it.

    保持這種想法,並開始和別人談你的想法

  • And then start doing something about it too.

    然後開始為這想法採取行動

  • And for those of you who might be contemplating suicide,

    對那些仔細考慮過自殺的人們

  • I know that there's a hope somewhere deep inside you.

    我知道你們心裡深處還是有希望

  • I felt it too. Keep that hope alive. We need you.

    我也感覺得到,別讓希望之火熄滅,社會需要你們

  • We need you to be leaders in this conversation, whether we are ready to have it or not.

    不管我們準備好了沒,我們都希望你們能成為這場談話的領袖

  • And trust me, if you're anything like me

    相信我,如果你跟我一樣的話

  • it's this conversation that's going to keep you alive every single day as though you've got just one more day.

    這場對話會讓你每天都過得像最後一天一樣精采

  • Thank you.

    謝謝大家

I was barely a teenager the first time I tried to kill myself.

我第一次企圖自殺時,是在剛進入青春期的時候

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【TEDx】為什麼我們會選擇自殺 Why we choose suicide | Mark Henick | TEDxToronto

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    Go Tutor 發佈於 2015 年 01 月 24 日
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