Name: 葛雷巴瑞斯脫口秀 (Greg Barris Stand-up)
Uploaded: 2026-03-10T16:56:32.000Z
Duration: 4 min 55 s

Next guest is a brilliant stand up comedian.

下一位來賓是超讚的脫口秀演員。

現在進行式

He's making his late night stand up debut right here on the late late show.

他即將在我們這個節目上，獻出他的深夜脫口秀首秀。

His brand new album is called deep healing and is available now.

他的全新專輯叫做「深層療癒」，現在已經可以買到了。

Please welcome the absolutely outstanding Greg Barris.

掌聲歡迎，超級傑出的 Greg Barris！

I am the kind of guy who's not so great with red flags.

我就是那種不太擅長處理警訊的人。

Like, I see a red flag and I become like an Olympic downhill skier.

像是，我看到警訊，我就會變得像奧運高山滑雪選手一樣。

我會說，對啊，而且我超愛警訊的。

I think the first red flag can be a person's name.

我覺得第一個警訊可以是一個人的名字。

I always end up dating people with ridiculous names like poolat.

我總是會跟一些名字很荒謬的人交往，像是 poolat。

我根本不該跟 pool lot 這種人交往。

Ashi wasn't even cool enough of a name for her and she changed it to Tilo.

Ashi 這個名字還不夠酷，她還改成 Tilo。

A Pam says stuff to you like, I made tacos.

But Apulat's like, I'm at the wrong airport.

但 Apulat 卻說，我跑錯機場了。

And you're so wrapped up in that pool lot life that you're just like, I'm sorry, pool lot.

而且你太沉浸在 pool lot 的生活裡了，你就覺得，抱歉，pool lot。

But if Pam's like, I did the taxes, they're done.

但如果 Pam 說，我已經報完稅了，稅務都處理好了。

所以這就是發生在我身上的事。

When I was five, my parents moved us into a new house.

我五歲的時候，我爸媽搬進一間新家。

And before we moved in there, they told my brothers and I there was a murder suicide in here before we moved in.

在我們搬進去之前，他們告訴我和我哥哥們，這間房子在我們搬進來之前發生過謀殺自殺事件。

And when we were in real big trouble, they would lock us in that room overnight.

當我們惹上大麻煩的時候，他們就會把我們鎖在那個房間裡過夜。

They're great people and they did a great job raising.

他們是很棒的人，而且他們很成功地把我養大。

And I know I sound sarcastic, but I'm not.

我知道我聽起來像在諷刺，但我沒有。

And they are both retired and they're much more bored than they thought they'd be at this juncture in their life.

他們都退休了，而且比他們想像中還要無聊許多。

And now my parents have become uber drivers.

My parents are uber drivers and they do it Together.

我爸媽是 Uber 司機，而且他們是「一起」開車的。

My mom drives while my dad just rides along.

He picks you up asleep and he drops you off asleep.

他載你上車時你還在睡，下車時你還在睡。

There is zero difference between a sleeping 82 year old man and an old dead man.

一個睡著的 82 歲老人跟一個死掉的老人，根本沒什麼兩樣。

He might wake up for a second to give you a little life advice.

他也許會醒來一秒，給你一點人生建議。

Like sometimes you start dying faster than you're living.

像是「你的人生有時候比你活著的速度還快地走向終點」。

But first let me say that I'm an extremely poor person.

但我先說，我是一個非常窮的人。

所以如果這是你的怪癖，就讓我知道。

But I went to a wedding where there was a billionaire there.

不過我參加了一個婚禮，那裡有一位億萬富翁。

And I went with my ex and it was on a boat and we were having a real good time and we were getting a little hot and heavy, a little frisky, and

我和我前任一起去的，那是在一艘船上，我們玩得很開心，而且有點情不自禁，有點調情，然後

we started making out on the roof of this boat and no one was around.

我們開始在那艘船的甲板上接吻，周圍沒有人。

But then I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the billionaire just watching us.

但接著我眼角餘光注意到，那位億萬富翁正在看著我們。

我需要一位億萬富翁在旁邊看。

Oh, you can go to a sex store and buy your kink.

哦，你可以去情趣用品店買你的怪癖。