Oh, God, not him again...

comes Will Smith’s biggest mistake since turning down The Matrix.

After Earth.

Prepare for Shyamalan's signature slow pace and joyless tone,

but now with 10x as much mumbo-jumbo.

"I detected graviton vibrations in the hull."

"How"

"Graviton buildup could be a precursor to mass expansion."

"Mass expansion is one in a million."

"The pull of our own graviton weight could set the thing off."

Get ready for the story of a talented celebrity Dad and his less talented bratty kid...

"I am dedicated, have studied, and consistently display conduct becoming of a ranger, sir!"

who takes on a challenge he's not ready for.

"And you think I'm a coward?!"

"You're wrong!"

Gee, wonder where they got that idea.

Watch as Will Smith, one of the world’s most charismatic actors, plays a man with

no charisma

"What do you think you should have done? Because really, that is all that matters."

named Cypher Raige. Haha, very funny guys, what’s his real name?

“General Cypher Raige”

"Of the prime commander Cypher Raige”

“General Cypher Raige”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Watch as Cypher Raige and his son Kitai Raige? Dramatize what it’s like to live in the

Smith household.

"I'm going to my room."

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"May I go to my room, sir?"

“DENIED! SIT DOWN!”

But when father and son are forced to bond, disaster strikes as they crash on a terrifying

version of after Earth...

"Warning: This planet has been declared unfit for human habitation."

Full of non-threats like

Monkeys

Eagles

Whales

Bugs

Snakes

Foliage

And the cold

“Every thing on this planet has evolved to kill humans."

Has it though? Because it kinda looks like before Earth to me.

So take a knee...

"Take a knee."

"Take a knee!"

"Take a knee, cadet!"

"Take a knee."

And watch a movie of Will Smith watching a movie of Jaden Smith

"I will see everything you see”

in the most blatant example of Hollywood nepotism since the 3rd generation of Wayan’s Brothers.

“My suit turned black. I like it but I think it’s something bad."

You like it but you think it’s something bad?

"I like it but I think it’s something bad."

Did someone actually read this before they made it a movie?

You know what? I can’t do this. This movie is too dumb on too many levels.

I mean... Why does everything on Earth freeze at night?

Wouldn’t that kill all the greenery? And the animals?

Speaking of animals, why does that eagle adopt Jaden as one of its young, then commit eagle

suicide to save him from the cold?

It hasn’t figured out how to live in the cold over the last thousand years of being

an eagle? Seriously?

We traveled all across the galaxy to stay on EARTH? And they didn’t even make earth

COOL?

Where are the buildings? The survivors? Anything? God this movie is SO

stupid!

Look I gotta get out of here. It’s just not worth it.

You guys don’t have to pay me for this one.

Just call me next week for Walking Dead.

“That sucked."

"That is correct."

Um... I don't think he's coming back.

What should I do?

Just read this?