Happiness is like an orgasm.

幸福就像高潮。

If you think about it too much, it goes away.

如果你想得太多，它就會消失。

Here we go.

開始了

Ready?

準備好了嗎？

One.

一個

You don't have to have a dream.

你不必有夢想。

Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams.

參加選秀節目的美國人總是談論他們的夢想。

Fine, if you have something you've always wanted to do, dreamed of, like in your heart, go for it.

好吧，如果你有自己一直想做的事，夢想的事，喜歡的事，那就去做吧。

After all, it's something to do with your time chasing a dream.

畢竟，這與你追逐夢想的時間有關。

And if it's a big enough one, it'll take you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it, and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of your achievement, you'll be almost dead, so it won't matter.

如果這個目標足夠大，它將耗費你大半生的時間去實現，所以當你實現它，凝視著你的成就毫無意義的深淵時，你幾乎已經死了，所以這並不重要。

I never really had one of these dreams, and so I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals.

我從來沒有真正擁有過這樣的夢想，所以我主張熱情地致力於追求短期目標。

Be micro-ambitious.

要有微觀雄心。

Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you.

低下頭，滿懷豪情地做好眼前的每一件事。

You never know where you might end up.

你永遠不知道你最終會去哪裡。

Just be aware the next worthy pursuit will probably appear in your periphery, which is why you should be careful of long-term dreams.

只是要注意，下一個值得追求的目標可能會出現在你的周圍，這就是為什麼你應該謹慎對待長期夢想的原因。

If you focus too far in front of you, you won't see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.

如果你把注意力集中在前方太遠的地方，你的眼角就看不到閃閃發光的東西了。

Two.

兩個

Don't seek happiness.

不要追求幸福

Happiness is like an orgasm.

幸福就像高潮。

If you think about it too much, it goes away.

如果你想得太多，它就會消失。

Laughter Laughter Keep busy and aim to make someone else happy, and you might find you get some as a side effect.

笑聲 笑聲 保持忙碌，以讓別人開心為目標，你可能會發現自己也會得到一些副作用。

We didn't evolve to be constantly content.

我們並不是為了不斷滿足而進化的。

Contented homo erectus got eaten before passing on their genes.

心滿意足的直立人在遺傳基因之前就被吃掉了。

Three.

三個

Remember, it's all luck.

記住，這全靠運氣。

You are lucky to be here.

你很幸運能來到這裡。

You are incalculably lucky to be born.

你生來就無比幸運。

Understanding that you can't truly take credit for your successes, nor truly blame others for their failures, will humble you and make you more compassionate.

明白自己的成功不能真正歸功於自己，也不能真正責怪他人的失敗，這會讓你謙卑，讓你更有同情心。

Empathy is intuitive, but it's also something you can work on intellectually.

同理心是一種直覺，但也可以通過智力來培養。

Four.

四

Exercise.

運動。

I'm sorry, you pasty, pale, smoking philosophy grads arching your eyebrows into a Cartesian curve as you watch the human movement mob winding their way through the miniature traffic cones of their existence.

對不起，你們這些面色蒼白、抽著煙的哲學系畢業生，當你們看著人類運動的暴徒在他們生存的微型交通錐筒中蜿蜒前行時，你們的眉毛拱成了笛卡爾式的曲線。

You are wrong, and they are right.

你錯了，他們是對的。

Well, you're half right.

你說對了一半。

You think, therefore you are, but also you jog, therefore you sleep, therefore you're not overwhelmed by existential angst.

你想，所以你是，但你也慢跑，所以你睡覺，所以你不會被生存的焦慮所淹沒。

You can't be can't, and you don't want to be.

你不能成為 "不能"，你也不想成為 "不能"。

Play a sport, do yoga, pump iron, run, whatever, but take care of your body.

運動、做瑜伽、打鐵、跑步，什麼都行，但要照顧好自己的身體。

You're going to need it.

你會需要它的。

Most of you mob are going to live to nearly a hundred and even the poorest of you will achieve a level of wealth that most humans throughout history could not have dreamed of.

你們中的大多數人都將活到近百歲，即使是最貧窮的人，也將獲得歷史上大多數人做夢也想不到的財富。

And this long, luxurious life ahead of you is going to make you depressed.

未來漫長而奢華的生活會讓你鬱鬱寡歡。

Five.

五個

Be hard on your opinions.

堅持自己的觀點。

A famous bon mot asserts that opinions are like arseholes in that everyone has one.

有句名言說，觀點就像屁眼，每個人都有一個。

There is great wisdom in this but I would add that opinions differ significantly from arseholes in that yours should be constantly and thoroughly examined.

這其中蘊含著巨大的智慧，但我要補充的是，觀點與屁眼有很大不同，你的觀點應該不斷地、徹底地加以審視。

We must think critically and not just about the ideas of others.

我們必須批判性地思考，而不僅僅是思考別人的想法。

Be hard on your beliefs.

堅定自己的信念。

Take them out onto the veranda and hit them with a cricket bat.

把他們帶到陽臺上，用板球棒打他們。

Be intellectually rigorous.

在思想上要嚴謹。

Identify your biases, your prejudices, your privileges.

找出你的偏見、成見和特權。

Most of society's arguments are kept alive by a failure to acknowledge nuance.

社會上的大多數爭論都是因為不承認細微差別而得以繼續存在。

We tend to generate false dichotomies and then try to argue one point using two entirely different sets of assumptions.

我們往往會產生錯誤的二分法，然後試圖用兩套完全不同的假設來論證一個觀點。

Like two tennis players trying to win a match by hitting beautifully executed shots from either end of separate tennis courts.

就像兩個網球選手在不同的網球場上，通過漂亮的擊球來贏得比賽。

Six.

六個

Be a teacher.

做一名教師。

Please, please, please be a teacher.

求求你，求求你，當個老師吧。

Teachers are the most important thing in the world.

教師是世界上最重要的東西。

You don't have to do it forever but if you're in doubt about what to do, be an amazing teacher.

你不必永遠這樣做，但如果你不知道該怎麼做，那就做一個了不起的老師吧。

Even if you're not a teacher, be a teacher.

即使你不是老師，也要做一名老師。

Share your ideas.

分享您的想法。

Don't take for granted your education.

不要認為你的教育是理所當然的。

Rejoice in what you learn and spray it.

為所學到的知識而欣喜，並將其噴灑出來。

Seven.

7.

Define yourself by what you love.

用你的所愛定義自己。

I found myself doing this thing a bit recently where if someone asks me what sort of music I like, I say, well I don't listen to the radio because pop song lyrics annoy me or if someone asks me what food I like, I say, I think truffle oil is overused and slightly obnoxious.

我發現自己最近有點這樣，如果有人問我喜歡什麼樣的音樂，我就說，我不聽廣播，因為流行歌曲的歌詞讓我討厭；如果有人問我喜歡什麼食物，我就說，我覺得松露油用得太多了，有點令人討厭。

And I see it all the time online, people whose idea of being part of a subculture is to hate Coldplay or football or feminists or the Liberal Party.

我在網上經常看到這樣的人，他們對亞文化的理解就是討厭酷玩樂隊、足球、女權主義者或自由黨。

We have a tendency to define ourselves in opposition to stuff.

我們總是傾向於將自己與事物對立起來。

As a comedian, I make my living out of it.

作為一名喜劇演員，我以此為生。

But try to also express your passion for things you love.

但也要儘量表達自己對所愛事物的熱情。

Be demonstrative and generous in your praise of those you admire.

在讚美你敬佩的人時，要表現得大方得體。

Send thank you cards and give standing ovations.

寄感謝卡，起立鼓掌。

Be pro-stuff, not just anti-stuff.

要支持東西，而不僅僅是反對東西。

Eight.

8.

Respect people with less power than you.

尊重權力比你小的人。

I have in the past made important decisions about people I work with, agents and producers.

過去，我曾為我的同事、經紀人和製片人做出過重要決定。

Big decisions based largely on how they treat the wait staff in the restaurants we're having the meeting in.

重大決定主要取決於他們如何對待我們開會的餐廳服務員。

I don't care if you're the most powerful cat in the room.

我不管你是不是房間裡最有權勢的貓。

I will judge you on how you treat the least powerful.

我會根據你們對待最弱小者的方式來評判你們。

So there.

就這樣

Nine.

九

Finally, don't rush.

最後，不要操之過急。

You don't need to already know what you're going to do with the rest of your life.

你不需要已經知道自己下半輩子要做什麼。

Don't panic.

不要驚慌。

You will soon be dead.

你很快就會死的。

Life will sometimes seem long and tough and, God, it's tiring.

生活有時會顯得漫長而艱難，上帝啊，這很累人。

And you will sometimes be happy and sometimes sad and then you'll be old and then you'll be dead.

你有時會快樂，有時會悲傷，然後你會老去，然後你會死去。

There is only one sensible thing to do with this empty existence and that is fill it.

對於這種空虛的存在，只有一種明智的做法，那就是填滿它。

Not fill it.

不填。

Fill it.

填滿它。

And in my opinion, until I change it, life is best filled by learning as much as you can about as much as you can.

在我看來，在我改變自己之前，人生最好的方式就是儘可能多地學習，儘可能多地瞭解。

Taking pride in whatever you're doing, having compassion, sharing ideas, running, being enthusiastic and then there's love and travel and wine and sex and art and kids and giving and mountain climbing, but you know all that stuff already.

無論做什麼，都要引以為豪，要有同情心，要分享想法，要奔跑，要熱情，還要有愛，有旅行，有美酒，有性，有藝術，有孩子，有奉獻，有登山，但這些你都已經知道了。

It's an incredibly exciting thing, this one meaningless life of yours.

這真是一件令人興奮的事情，你這毫無意義的一生。

Good luck and thank you for indulging me.

祝你好運，感謝你對我的寬容。

Music Music Music

音樂 音樂 音樂