Like the least amount of effort I can do just so that I can go to brunch with my friends in my active wear and say I went to the gym this morning.

就像我能做的最少的努力，只是為了能穿著運動裝和朋友們去吃早午餐，並說我今天早上去了健身房。

So I'm on all the machines where you sit down because you can still be on Instagram at the same time.

所以我在所有的機器上都能坐下來，因為你還能同時上 Instagram。

So I'm there and I'm like trying to do stuff.

所以我在那裡，就像在嘗試做一些事情。

I'm pulling stuff.

我在拉東西

Like I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

就像我不知道自己在做什麼一樣。

And then I feel this presence behind me, right?

然後我就感覺到身後有一個人，對嗎？

And there's like super jacked dude, like, you know, you know that guy at the gym with no neck?

還有一個超級大塊頭，就像你知道的 健身房裡那個沒脖子的傢伙？

Like, you know that guy?

比如，你認識那個人嗎？

Yeah, Popeye, you know him, right?

是啊，大力水手，你認識他，對吧？

And he was so jacked and he came up behind me, right?

然後他就從我身後走過來，對吧？

And then he just taps me on the shoulder like He's like, hey You're doing it wrong Because I was also pre-menstrual and I was ready for a fight, right?

然後他就拍拍我的肩膀，好像在說，嘿，你這樣做是不對的，因為我當時也是月經前期，我已經準備好戰鬥了，對嗎？

Because I was gonna turn around to this guy and lecture him on the patriarchy, the Me Too movement, and how hard it is to be a woman in 2019.

因為我本打算轉過身去，對這傢伙大談父權制、"我也是 "運動，以及在 2019 年做女人有多難。

Hashtag Me Too.

Hashtag Me Too.

Like I was gonna go to town and I turn around and he was fucking massive.

就像我要去鎮上，一轉身，他就他媽變成了大塊頭。

But as I'm going up and I'm like looking at his biceps that are as big as my head and then I look into his eyes.

但當我站起來，看著他那和我腦袋一樣大的肱二頭肌時，我看著他的眼睛。

He had the most amazing eyes.

他有一雙最迷人的眼睛。

And I'm thinking like, yeah, I could lecture this guy on feminism, the patriarchy, Me Too movement, but I was horny.

我在想，是啊，我可以給這傢伙講講女權主義、父權制、"我也是 "運動，但我當時很飢渴。

So instead, I just looked up at him and said He was like, oh, and I was like, oh my god, we're gonna have great sex.

所以我就抬頭看著他說，他就像這樣，哦，我就像這樣，哦，我的上帝，我們會有很棒的性愛。

I could feel it.

我能感覺到。

I could feel it with Popeye.

我能感覺到大力水手的存在。

Because that's all I want.

因為這就是我想要的。

And now in my life, like that's all I want.

現在，在我的生活中，好像這就是我想要的一切。

I just want great sex.

我只想要美妙的性愛

I want hot, passionate sex, right?

我想要火熱、激情的性愛，對嗎？

Because it's hard to find.

因為很難找到。

I just want, you know the kind of sex where you have to change the sheets the next day?

我只想要，你知道那種第二天還得換床單的性愛？

That kind of sex.

那種性愛

The kind of sex where you question whether or not your arsehole and vagina are now connected as one.

在這種性愛中，你會懷疑自己的屁眼和陰道是否已經連為一體。

You know that sex?

你知道性嗎？

You know the sex that you think about three days later in a work meeting and your pussy's like Just riding that moist wave at work all day.

你知道三天後你在工作會議上想到的性愛，你的下體就像整天都在工作中徜徉在溼潤的浪潮中。

Your boss is like, we've got a flow chart.

你的老闆會說，我們有一個流程圖。

You're like, I've got one right here.

你會說，我這裡就有一個。

He's like, squitch, squitch, squitch, squitch all day.

他整天都在 "唧唧"、"唧唧"、"唧唧"、"唧唧"。

I just want great sex.

我只想要美妙的性愛

And I was feeling it with Popeye.

我和大力水手一起感受到了這一點。

I'm like, this is gonna be animalistic, like Neanderthal, Popeye.

我就想，這一定會很獸性，就像尼安德特人，大力水手。

This is gonna look great, right?

這會看起來很棒吧？

So then we go out for dinner that night and we're sitting there.

那天晚上我們出去吃飯，就坐在那裡。

It was a paleo restaurant.

那是一家古法餐廳。

He orders poached chicken and poached broccoli, and I'm trying to eat all of the carbs.

他點了水煮雞肉和水煮西蘭花，而我想吃掉所有的碳水化合物。

And then he says to me, he goes, hey, um, I need to tell you something.

然後他對我說，嘿，我要告訴你一件事。

He's like, ah, I'm like really dumb.

他說，啊，我好像真的很笨。

Who says that?

誰說的？

But also I was intrigued, so I asked him, uh, why are you dumb?

但我也很好奇，就問他，呃，你為什麼是啞巴？

He's like, you know, like when I started training, I like stopped eating carbs and you need carbs for brain development, but look at my muscles!

他說，我開始訓練時就不吃碳水化合物了，大腦發育需要碳水化合物，但看看我的肌肉！

I was like, good, don't start.

我當時想，很好，別開始了。

Okay.

好的

So the date was really, it was really dry, and I'm not, and I'm thinking like, I really want to have sex with this guy.

所以這次約會真的很枯燥，我沒有，我在想，我真的很想和這個人做愛。

And then my jet lag started to kick in and I was like, oh, this is not gonna happen.

然後時差開始影響我，我就想，哦，這是不可能的。

And I was thinking like, maybe, maybe I'll just have like a couple of glasses of wine.

我在想，也許，也許我就喝幾杯酒。

Just a couple of glasses of wine, a couple of glasses, and that will help stave off the jet lag, but also help bring my IQ level down to his, right?

只要幾杯酒，幾杯酒，就能幫我擺脫時差的困擾，還能讓我的智商降到他的水準，不是嗎？

Because alcohol kills brain cells, Norway.

因為酒精會殺死腦細胞，挪威。

But the thing that you've got to realise about me at this point in my life is that I'd been nearly two years sober.

但你必須意識到，在我人生的這個階段，我已經戒酒近兩年了。

Two years sober.

戒酒兩年

And normally that gets a round of applause, but here in Norway, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

這通常會得到熱烈的掌聲，但在挪威，你會想，我他媽是怎麼了？

I get it, I get it, Norway.

我明白了，我明白了，挪威。

I get it, I get it.

我明白了，我明白了。

Without alcohol, you wouldn't have a population, okay?

沒有酒精，就沒有人口，明白嗎？

I understand.

我明白。

Perfectly well.

非常好

So I'm there, I order two glasses of wine, and I'm about to sip this glass of wine, and I haven't had alcohol in nearly two years.

於是，我在那裡點了兩杯酒，正要啜飲這杯酒，而我已經近兩年沒有喝酒了。

Now, I don't know if anyone here has been without alcohol for...

現在，我不知道在座的各位是否已經有一段時間沒有喝酒了...

Sorry, wrong crowd.

對不起，找錯人了。

Just remember when you were nine, and you took your first sip of alcohol.

還記得你九歲那年喝下第一口酒的情景嗎？

Remember that feeling, right?

還記得那種感覺吧？

So I go to take this sip, and I'm like...

所以我去喝了一口，我想...

I was like, what is, what is that magical feeling?

我當時想，那種神奇的感覺是什麼？

And then this thing started to rise within me, and I was like, what?

然後，我的內心開始升騰起一種東西，我就想，什麼？

What is that?

那是什麼？

Oh!

哦！

Confidence!

自信！

Hello!

你好

And then it moved straight down south, and my pussy was like, I'm ready!

然後它直接向南移動，我的下體就像，我準備好了！

I'm ready!

我準備好了

Because my vagina is Oprah, and...

因為我的陰道就是奧普拉，而且...

I was feeling it with Popeye.

我和大力水手在一起的時候就有這種感覺。

I'm like, all right, great.

我想，好吧，太好了。

Like, now I'm a bit drunk.

比如，現在我有點醉了。

I'm horny.

我很飢渴。

Like, this is great, right?

就像，這很棒，對吧？

So then he invites me back to his place, but he does it in the weirdest way possible.

然後他邀請我回他家，但他的方式很奇怪。

He goes, hey, you want to come back to my place for some protein shakes?

他說："嘿，你想去我家喝蛋白奶昔嗎？

And I'm thinking, like, oh, definitely euphemism, probably organic, right?

我在想，哦，肯定是委婉語，可能是有機語，對吧？

So we go back to his place, and then as he starts making protein shakes, I'm like, oh, yeah, he's dumb, that's right, and he starts making these protein shakes, and they didn't, like, they looked, like, they weren't like a nice chocolate brown.

於是我們回到他家，當他開始做蛋白奶昔時，我就想，哦，是啊，他是個啞巴，沒錯，他開始做這些蛋白奶昔，它們看起來不像，不像，不像漂亮的巧克力色。

They were like a diarrhea brown, right?

它們就像腹瀉的棕色，對嗎？

And because he's an Instagram influencer, he had a line of protein shakes that he was trying, and so I'm there, and I'm trying to do that thing, like, mmm, yummy!

因為他是 Instagram 的影響者，所以他在嘗試一系列的蛋白質奶昔，所以我就在那裡，我試著做那件事，就像，嗯，好吃！

It tasted awful, but then he saved me.

味道很難吃，但他救了我。

He saved me.

他救了我

He's like, hey, I'm just gonna go have a quick shower, you know, make yourself at home.

他就說，嘿，我去洗個澡，你就當在自己家一樣。

My laptop's open over there, Spotify's open, put some music on, and I'll be out in a sec.

我的筆記本電腦在那邊打開著，Spotify 也打開著，放點音樂，我馬上就出去。

I was like, okay.

我當時想，好吧。

So he goes into the shower, and I'm like, fuck.

所以他去洗澡，我想，他媽的。

Now I have to choose music for sexy time.

現在，我必須為性感時間選擇音樂。

That's stressful.

壓力太大了

It's almost the same level of stress as when I'm in the supermarket here, and I have to pack my bags before the next dickhead comes along.

這種壓力和我在超市裡的壓力差不多，我必須在下一個蠢貨出現之前收拾好行李。

Like, it's the same level of stress.

就像，壓力是一樣的。

And, because you don't want to fuck it up.

而且，因為你不想搞砸。

You don't want to put on a play mix, and as you're coming, let it go, let it go, comes on.

你不會想在播放混音時，突然出現 "算了吧，算了吧"。

Why I'm listening to Frozen is my business, okay?

我為什麼要聽《冰雪奇緣》是我自己的事，好嗎？

So I go over to his playlist, and I'm looking, and I see that he has premium.

於是我進入他的播放列表，我看到他有高級版。

He pays for premium, and I'm like, thank God, because I don't want to fuck to ads.

他付了保險費，我就想，謝天謝地，因為我不想對著廣告亂搞。

Which, in Germany, is actually not so bad, right?

在德國，這其實並不壞，不是嗎？

Because the ad comes on in German, and it's like, Volkswagen.

因為廣告是用德語播出的，好像是大眾汽車。

Das Auto.

Das Auto.

This feels like a porno.

這感覺就像色情電影。

This is great, right?

這很棒，對吧？

Germany is the only country I don't pay for premium in Spotify, right?

德國是我在 Spotify 中唯一沒有付費的國家，對嗎？

So I'm putting on, I'm looking at his previously played, and there's one there called Beast, Beastmo, Beastmo, right?

我在看他以前演奏過的曲目，有一首叫《野獸，野獸，野獸》，對嗎？

And it's a workout play mix, and I'm thinking, like, okay, because in my mind, I'm thinking, like, oh, he'll just go into muscle memory, like reps at a gym, and we'll just go for hours.

這是一個健身遊戲組合，我在想，好吧，因為在我的腦海裡，我在想，哦，他就會進入肌肉記憶，就像在健身房裡做動作一樣，我們就這樣玩上幾個小時。

We all know how that story ends, okay?

我們都知道故事的結局，好嗎？

So I'm there, and then he comes out of the shower, and he's wearing just a towel.

我在那裡，他洗完澡出來，身上只披了一條浴巾。

Now, it had been a while for me, and this guy had abs.

現在，對我來說已經有一段時間了，這傢伙有腹肌。

But not just a six pack of abs.

但不僅僅是六塊腹肌。

This guy had an eight pack of abs.

這傢伙有八塊腹肌。

It's like, I was like, I didn't even know abs could go that far down.

我都不知道腹肌還能往下走那麼遠。

And you know when you see abs live?

當你看到腹肌的現場表演時，你知道嗎？

You're like, ah.

你就像，啊。

Like a moth drawn to the fuckboy flame, just abs.

就像飛蛾撲火，只為腹肌。

And I just started touching them, I was like, abs.

我就開始撫摸它們，我想，腹肌。

He's like, are you okay?

他說，你還好嗎？

I'm like, shh, abs.

我想，噓，腹肌。

And I wanted to jump this guy, but he was six foot three, you know, Popeye, with no neck, and I don't have the upper body strength, so I was like, I'll just stay at this level.

我想跳過這個人，但他有六英尺三英寸高，就像大力水手一樣，沒有脖子，而我沒有上肢力量，所以我就想，我就停留在這個水準上吧。

This level is good for me, right?

這一層對我有好處，對嗎？

And then it was that moment, I went to take the towel off, and it's that moment of anticipation.

然後就是那一刻，我去把毛巾拿下來，就是那一刻的期待。

You know, that moment of, because we hadn't sent nudie pics, so I didn't know what I was working with, right?

你知道，那一刻，因為我們沒有發送裸體照片，所以我不知道我在做什麼，對嗎？

And I'm there, and it's like, I'm going to take it off.

我在那裡，就想，我要把它脫下來。

I'm like, please have a nice penis, please, please, please.

我就想，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了，求你了。

Please, like, please don't let the steroid rumors be true.

拜託，拜託，千萬別讓類固醇的傳言成真。

Please, like, just like, please, grandma who died 20 years ago, please let him have a nice penis, just a nice penis, right?

求你了，就像，就像，求你了，20 年前就去世的奶奶，求你讓他有個漂亮的小雞雞，就一個漂亮的小雞雞，好嗎？

Because guys, most guys always think, they're like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm going to smash you with this big dick, yeah.

因為男人，大多數男人總是想，哦，是啊，是啊，我要用這個大雞巴砸死你，是啊。

Look at this big dick, it's so fucking big, big, big, big, big fucking dick, right?

看看這大雞巴，真他媽大，大，大，大，他媽的大雞巴，對吧？

Like, if I see a big dick, I'm like, mmm, like, I want to keep my internal organs intact, okay?

就像，如果我看到一個大雞巴，我就會想，嗯，就像，我想保持我的內臟器官完好無損，好嗎？

I want to have kids one day, all right?

我希望有一天能有孩子，好嗎？

I just want to be able to walk to work tomorrow, all right?

我只想明天能走路去上班，好嗎？

Something that I want to be able to do.

我想做的事情。

And we don't want it too small.

我們不希望它太小。

Oh, did you hear that silence fall from the room?

哦，你聽到房間裡的寂靜了嗎？

That's every woman, like, I don't know what she's talking about.

每個女人都是這樣，我不知道她在說什麼。

Yeah, I fell in love with personality, bullshit.

是啊，我愛上了個性，胡說八道。

Do you know how many stories we get from around the world, and it's always like, I met this guy, he was really lovely, but he had a micropenis!

你知道我們從世界各地收到過多少這樣的故事嗎？這些故事總是這樣的：我遇到了一個人，他真的很可愛，但他有一個小陰莖！

It's not his fault.

這不是他的錯。

I always think that, I always think what I would do if I had a micropenis as a guy.

我總在想，如果我有一個小陰莖，我會怎麼做。

Like, if I had a micropenis, what would I do?

比如，如果我有小陰莖，我該怎麼辦？

And you're thinking, like, you know, you can use your mouth, your hand, your foot, like, whatever size she's into.

你會想，你知道，你可以用你的嘴，你的手，你的腳，就像，不管她喜歡什麼尺寸。

Like, all I'm saying, gentlemen, is you have options.

先生們，我要說的是，你們還有選擇。

Not you specifically, sir, but you're just right there, so.

不是特別是你，先生，但你就在那裡，所以。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know, so I'm thinking, like, please, please just have a nice penis, please have a nice penis.

我不知道，所以我在想，求求你，求求你有個漂亮的小弟弟，求求你有個漂亮的小弟弟。

And I go, and I take off his towel.

我走過去，脫下他的浴巾。

Yeah.

是啊

Because it wasn't too big, and it wasn't too small.

因為它不算太大，也不算太小。

It was just right.

恰到好處。

But not only was it just right, this guy had the golden ticket of dicks.

但這傢伙不僅恰到好處，還擁有 "屌中黃金"。

He had the coveted banana dick.

他有令人垂涎的香蕉雞巴。

Mmm.

嗯

I was like, that's the protein shake flavour I wanted.

我當時想，這就是我想要的蛋白奶昔口味。

You know that banana dick that just curves, like, up a little bit, right?

你知道香蕉老二會彎起來吧？

So as it goes inside, it hits the G-spot, and you're like, mmm, this dick is bananas, bitch.

當它進入體內時，會撞擊到 G 點，你就會想，嗯，這雞巴太爽了，婊子。

A-M-M-M-A-S.

A -M -M

Mmm.

嗯

Yummy, love that dick.

好吃，我喜歡這個雞巴。

That's what the song's about, guys.

這就是這首歌的主題，夥計們。

And I was thinking, like, oh my god, because in missionary, like, when it goes in in missionary, oh, it feels amazing.

我在想，哦，我的天哪，因為在傳教時，當它進入傳教室時，哦，感覺太棒了。

Oh, doesn't it feel so good?

哦，感覺是不是很棒？

But then when it goes in doggie, you're like, ow, my spine.

但當它以 "狗爬式 "進入時，你就會想，嗷，我的脊椎。

Ow.

噢

Now I need to take a shit.

現在我得去拉屎了。

You're looking a little bit confused there.

你看起來有點困惑。

If she's not coming in doggie, it's because she's trying to hold the shit in, okay?

如果她不是以狗的姿勢進來 那是因為她想把屎憋回去，好嗎？

Yeah.

是啊

They won't tell you, but I will, okay?

他們不會告訴你，但我會，好嗎？

So you're welcome.

不客氣。

You're laughing and learning.

你們在歡笑中學習。

Welcome to story party, right?

歡迎參加故事派對，對嗎？

So I'm thinking, like, this is going to be on with this guy.

所以我就想，這傢伙一定會有戲的。

I'm like, yes, right?

我想，是的，對嗎？

And so he, like, throws me on the bed, and then we start having sex.

他就把我扔到床上 然後我們開始做愛

And, like, clap if you like missionary position.

如果你喜歡傳教士體位，請鼓掌。

Clap if you like missionary.

如果你喜歡傳教士，請鼓掌。

Yeah.

是啊

It's, you know, it's the number one position.

這是，你知道，這是頭號位置。

It's the most popular position in the world, and it's, because of it, you know, there's probably eight billion people in the world because of missionary position, because humans are inherently lazy.

這是世界上最流行的姿勢，正因為如此，你知道，因為傳教士的姿勢，世界上大概有 80 億人，因為人類天生懶惰。

And, but for me, sometimes in the bedroom, in the gym, I'm the same.

但對我來說，有時在臥室裡，在健身房裡，我也一樣。

Like, minimal effort, right?

就像，最小的努力，對不對？

Just, like, even if I'm starfishing, I'm like, oh, too much effort, right?

就像，即使我在釣星星，我也會想，哦，太費勁了，對吧？

My favourite position is the spooning position.

我最喜歡的姿勢是用湯匙舀水的姿勢。

The spooning position, when, you know, when you're, like, in the fetal position on a Sunday morning when you're really hungover, with your head over the side of the bed into a bucket, right?

勺狀體位，就是在週日早上宿醉未醒的時候，把頭從床邊伸進水桶裡的胎兒姿勢，對嗎？

Oh, you know it.

哦，你知道的。

I wasn't sure, okay.

我不確定 好吧

And then he does that.

然後他就這麼做了。

He just, like, slides it in there, right?

他只是把它滑進去，對嗎？

And then you have to do that weird, like...

然後你必須做一些奇怪的事情，比如...

Until you get to the end of the bed and you're like, scoot back, scoot back, scoot back, scoot back, scoot back, scoot back.

直到你走到床尾，你會想，往後挪，往後挪，往後挪，往後挪，往後挪。

Bad 70s disco right there.

這就是 70 年代的迪斯科舞曲。

So anyway, we start, we start having sex.

總之，我們開始，我們開始做愛。

And then he says to me, like, because I'm, like, minimal effort, right?

然後他對我說，就像，因為我，就像，最小的努力，對不對？

Maximum gain.

最大增益。

And then he says, he says to me, he's like, he's like, hey, baby.