I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是主持人 斯蒂芬-科爾伯特

Ladies and gentlemen, we're just...

女士們，先生們，我們只是...

What is it?

是什麼？

What is today's date?

今天是幾號？

What's the date?

日期是什麼時候？

What is this?

這是什麼？

We are just...

我們只是

We are just a little over one week away from Christmas.

距離聖誕節只有一週多一點的時間了。

And I would say, I hope your stockings are hung by the chimney with care, your eggs are nogged, and your... and your nuts are fully megged, but apparently, according to a new poll, Americans are over Christmas traditions.

我想說的是，我希望你們的長襪被小心翼翼地掛在煙囪旁，你們的雞蛋被磕破了，你們的......你們的堅果也被磕破了，但顯然，根據一項新的民意調查，美國人已經結束了聖誕傳統。

What? Christmas is traditions.

什麼？ 聖誕節就是傳統。

You can't be over them and still have Christmas.

你不可能忘了他們，還能過聖誕節。

If you don't put out your wooden shoes, how will Sinterklaas fill them with dried fruits and nut meat for a prosperous harvest?

如果你不把木鞋放出來，辛特克拉斯又怎麼會用乾果和堅果肉填滿你的木鞋，讓你獲得豐收呢？

Think, Hans, think.

想想，漢斯，想想。

One tradition that a lot of people are ready to shake up is the holiday meal, evidently, with many people saying that this year they want burgers instead of turkey.

顯然，很多人準備改變的一個傳統就是節日大餐，很多人說今年他們想用漢堡代替火雞。

Yeah, that's true.

是的，沒錯。

That, according to noted sociographic analyst Clarence T.

著名社會學分析家克拉倫斯-T.

Gobbleson.

戈布爾斯森

He's a doctor.

他是個醫生

It's Dr. Clarence T.

是克拉倫斯-T博士。

Gobbleton.

戈伯頓

But I got to ask, if we eat burgers on Christmas, what are we going to eat on the Fourth of July?

但我要問，如果我們在聖誕節吃漢堡，那我們在國慶節吃什麼呢？

This just throws off the whole festive food calendar.

這讓整個節日的食物日曆都亂套了。

I can't eat burritos on Arbor Day.

我不能在植樹節吃捲餅。

You eat wood.

你吃木頭

It's not just burgers. 44% of respondents say they want pizza, 38% said tacos, and 34% said Chinese takeout.

不僅僅是漢堡。44% 的受訪者說他們想吃披薩，38% 的受訪者說他們想吃墨西哥捲餅，34% 的受訪者說他們想吃中式外賣。

Yes, that 34% also celebrates Christmas by watching a movie and then lighting Hanukkah candles.

是的，這 34% 的人也會通過看電影慶祝聖誕節，然後點燃光明節蠟燭。

Americans also, sure, it's a miracle.

美國人也肯定，這是一個奇蹟。

How did the oil, how did the oil last?

油是怎麼用的？

Americans also want to dress differently this year. 47% would prefer to spend the whole day in their pajamas rather than getting dressed down.

美國人今年也希望穿得與眾不同。47%的人願意整天穿著睡衣，而不是盛裝打扮。

Okay, I just want to point out, you want to stay in what you slept in.

好吧，我只是想指出，你想留在你睡過的地方。

Avoid your family while eating tacos and pizza.

在吃墨西哥捲餅和披薩時，避開你的家人。

That's not Christmas.

這不是聖誕節。

That's not Christmas.

這不是聖誕節。

That's clinical depression.

這就是臨床抑鬱症。

Other holiday trends are on the way out. 28% of respondents said they're open to swapping Elf on the Shelf.

其他節日趨勢也在逐漸消失。28% 的受訪者表示，他們願意更換 "小精靈"。

Well, that's fine, because based on the look of that elf, I'm pretty sure he's into swapping.

嗯，沒關係，因為根據那個精靈的樣子，我敢肯定他喜歡交換。

Hey, hey.

嘿，嘿

Wow.

哇

Hey, uh...

嘿，呃...

Hey, hey, three wise men.

嘿，嘿，三位智者

My elf wife and I just noticed you from across the mantle, and, uh, we like your vibe.

我和我的精靈妻子剛剛在壁爐架對面注意到你，我們喜歡你的氣質。

Don't forget to bring the myrrh.

別忘了帶上沒藥。

There are also...

還有...

What's myrrh?

沒藥是什麼？

There are also some fun new dating trends this Christmas, according to a reporter who clearly needed to fill out their Christmas word count.

據一位顯然需要充實聖誕節字數的記者說，今年聖誕節還有一些有趣的約會新趨勢。

For example, that thing where you have a holiday fling, and then the magic wears off, and the relationship kind of melts away, that's being called snowmanning.

舉個例子，你在假期裡風流快活，然後魔力消退，關係逐漸融化，這就是所謂的 "雪中送炭"。

Yeah.

是啊

Not to be confused with Snow Manning, which is the musical duo made up of quarterback Peyton Manning and Canadian reggae rapper Snow.

四分衛佩頓-曼寧（Peyton Manning）和加拿大雷鬼說唱歌手斯諾（Snow）組成的二人音樂組合。

Now, you might say that graphic is a lot of effort for a joke that we can all agree is a bit of stretch.

現在，你可能會說，為了一個大家都認為有點牽強的笑話，圖形化的設計可謂費盡心機。

Until you say that we also made this, Snow Manning's greatest hit.

直到你說我們還做了這個，斯諾-曼寧最偉大的作品。

Jim?

吉姆？

In football, you run and pass and throw, and it's a game, I want a big touchdown.

在橄欖球比賽中，你要跑，要傳，要投，這是一場比賽，我想要一個大觸地得分。

One...

一...

Merry Christmas.

聖誕快樂

One dating expert, a job that is very real, explained Snow Manning this way.

一位約會專家，一位非常現實的工作，這樣解釋斯諾-曼寧。

Christmas is a great opportunity to find someone special.

聖誕節是尋找特別的人的大好機會。

However, once the drinks stop flowing and the decorations come down, sometimes that initial burst of chemistry wears off.

然而，一旦酒足飯飽，裝飾品撤下，有時最初的化學反應就會消失。

I believe we have footage of the original example of Snow Manning.

我相信我們有斯諾-曼寧最初例子的錄像。

I was just hooking up with Charlotte to stave off my seasonal depression!

我和夏洛特在一起只是為了緩解我的季節性抑鬱症！

In other, in other...

在其他方面，在其他...

In other...

其他...

In other wintry dating trends, there's supposedly something called sledging, which is when you drag someone along through the holidays with the intention of dumping them.

在其他寒冷的約會趨勢中，據說有一種叫做 "雪橇 "的東西，就是你拖著某人過節，打算甩了他。

There's also winter coding, in which people reach out to old flames in the winter, much like they would an old coat.

此外，還有冬季編碼，人們在冬季向舊情人伸出援手，就像對待一件舊大衣一樣。

Yes, the best is when you reach inside your old lover and find a $20 bill.

是的，最棒的是當你把手伸進舊情人的身體，發現一張 20 美元的鈔票。

Damn, it's a mask!

該死，是面具

Yeah, I know, you find a lot of masks.

是的，我知道，你找到了很多面具。

I've found a lot of masks so far this year.

今年到目前為止，我已經找到了很多面具。

New Year's is also gonna give us some gifts, because Popeye will enter the public domain in 2025.

新年也會給我們一些禮物，因為《大力水手》將於 2025 年進入公共領域。

That's right.

這就對了。

We'll all be celebrating it on Anderson and Andy's New Year's Popeye's Eve.

我們將在安德森和安迪的 "大力水手 "新年前夜共同慶祝。

These days, copyrights expire after 95 years, so the public domain Popeye is from 1929, like this first appearance in a comic called Thimble Theater, where Popeye famously says, You think I'm a cowboy?

如今，版權在 95 年後到期，是以公有領域的大力水手是 1929 年的作品，比如這幅首次出現在《頂針劇場》漫畫中的作品，大力水手在漫畫中說了一句著名的話："你以為我是牛仔嗎？

That's nice.

真不錯

In just a little over two weeks, that catchphrase can be mine.

再過兩週多一點的時間，這句口頭禪就會成為我的口頭禪。

And I can finally get rid of my current catchphrase, Yabba-dabba-late-show!

我終於可以擺脫我現在的口頭禪 "Yabba-dabba-late-show "了！

Popeye, thank you, thank you.

大力水手 謝謝你 謝謝你

Really did not expect an applause on that.

真的沒想到會有掌聲。

Popeye, no, no, I was not...

大力水手，不，不，我不是...

I promise you, I was not throwing on the milking machine right there.

我向你保證，我並沒有當場打開擠奶機。

Popeye isn't the only comic going public.

要上市的漫畫不止《大力水手》一部。

So is Tintin, a character who is super popular in most countries, but not here.

丁丁也是如此，這個角色在大多數國家都超級受歡迎，但在這裡卻不是。

It's kind of like the metric system, okay?

這有點像公制，好嗎？

So to make it easier for Americans, just remember one Tintin is exactly 2.54 Bart Simpsons.

是以，為了讓美國人更容易理解，請記住一個丁丁正好等於 2.54 個巴特-辛普森一家。

Of course, the new year is also, the new year is also gonna bring us a new old president.

當然，新的一年也會給我們帶來新的老總統。

Well, yesterday, that guy held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago.

昨天，那傢伙在馬阿拉歌召開了新聞發佈會。

I'm not gonna talk about it much, because I don't want to, and you can't make me.

我不想多說，因為我不想說，你也不能逼我說。

Okay, okay.

好吧 好吧

Matter of fact, I'm already done.

事實上，我已經做完了。

What else is going on?

還發生了什麼事？

You know, it's easy to get down about the potential collapse of democracy in America, but don't forget to also get down about the potential collapse of democracy in other countries, too.

要知道，為美國民主的潛在崩潰而沮喪很容易，但別忘了也要為其他國家民主的潛在崩潰而沮喪。

Especially among our allies.

尤其是在我們的盟友中間。

In just the past month, South Korea's president has been impeached, the French government fell, and Germany is facing economic crisis and government collapse.

就在過去的一個月裡，韓國總統遭到彈劾，法國政府倒臺，德國面臨經濟危機和政府垮臺。

Even our goody-two-shoes upstairs neighbors are having a rough run of it because there's a political crisis around Canadian prime minister and Disney prince who's so boring you'd rather hook up with a talking candlestick, Justin Trudeau.

加拿大總理、迪斯尼王子賈斯汀-特魯多（Justin Trudeau）是個無聊得讓人寧可去勾搭一個會說話的燭臺的人。

Trudeau has become very unpopular because Canadians are frustrated by the rising cost of living and immigration.

由於加拿大人對生活成本上升和移民問題感到沮喪，特魯多變得非常不受歡迎。

Welcome to the club, deadly do-wrong.

歡迎加入俱樂部，致命的多錯。

There you go.

這就對了。

There you go.

這就對了。

Hey, how's it going?

嘿，你好嗎？

How you guys doing?

你們好嗎？

Everybody okay?

大家都還好嗎？

All right.

好吧

Just tell that.

就這麼說吧。

I'll tell you what, let me hit with some of Grandpa Joe's hard-earned wisdom.

告訴你吧，讓我用喬爺爺的智慧來打動你。

You done, you burnt.

你完蛋了，你被燒死了。

Scoot your freezing keister, meester.

快滾吧，笨蛋。

Just pardon your son, get the hell out of there, and then buy a couple of drones and fly him around the airport.

請原諒你的兒子，趕緊離開那裡，然後買幾架無人機，讓他在機場裡飛來飛去。

Have a great time.

玩得開心

Confuse the hell out of everybody.

把所有人都搞糊塗。

Just sit right there.

就坐在那裡

That's what Jill and I are doing.

這就是吉爾和我正在做的事情。

Come on, Justin Jack.

來吧，賈斯汀-傑克

Even more challenging, Trudeau, thank you, citizen.

更具挑戰性的是，特魯多，謝謝你，公民。

Even more challenging, Trudeau has to deal with Trump's threats of a 25% tariff on Canadian imports.

更具挑戰性的是，特魯多必須應對特朗普對加拿大進口商品徵收 25% 關稅的威脅。

That would be a disaster for Canada.

這對加拿大來說將是一場災難。

Three quarters of their exports go to the United States.

四分之三的出口產品銷往美國。

Lumber, maple syrup, not to mention they're our number one supplier of dry.

木材、楓糖漿，更不用說他們還是我們的頭號乾貨供應商。

What are we going to import now, Polish wet?

我們現在要進口什麼，波蘭溼貨？

You know their motto, you drink wet now.

你知道他們的座右銘嗎？

Oh, you know what that sound means, time for bird news.

哦，你知道那聲音意味著什麼，是時候播報鳥類新聞了。

I love all our winged friends, Robins, Flamingos, Buffalo Wild, so I was thrilled to learn that the bald eagle is finally set to become America's official national bird.

我喜歡所有長翅膀的朋友，如羅賓斯、火烈鳥、野水牛，所以當我得知禿鷹最終將成為美國的官方國鳥時，我非常激動。

Now you're probably saying, Steve, I thought it was already the official national bird.

現在你可能會說，史蒂夫，我以為它已經是官方國鳥了。

Nope, officially, America's national bird is the KFC Double Down.

不，正式來說，美國的國鳥是肯德基雙層蛋。

There's some terrible news from across the pond because apparently a Guinness-less Christmas may be in the cards as pubs run dry across the UK.

來自大洋彼岸的一個壞消息是，由於英國各地的酒館都乾涸了，聖誕節可能會沒有健力士啤酒。

One reason might be because what used to be seen as the drink of choice for middle-aged men has recently soared in popularity among younger women.

其中一個原因可能是，過去被視為中年男子首選的飲料，最近在年輕女性中的受歡迎程度急劇上升。

Welcome, younger women.

歡迎你們，年輕的女士們。

Welcome to our world.

歡迎來到我們的世界。

Middle-aged men have all the best hobbies, dad bands, cargo shorts, taking pictures of graduation with an iPad.

中年男人有所有最棒的愛好，爸爸樂隊、貨郎短褲、用 iPad 拍畢業照。

We've got a great show for you tonight.

今晚我們為您準備了精彩的節目。

My guests are Elton John and Brandi Carlile.

我的嘉賓是埃爾頓-約翰和布蘭迪-卡里爾。

Stick around.

堅持住