Sometimes I feel like I'm not a real man, right?

有時我覺得自己不是個真正的男人，對嗎？

Like, no, no, no, no.

就像，不，不，不，不。

That means so many different things nowadays.

如今，這意味著許多不同的東西。

I don't mean that, okay?

我不是那個意思，好嗎？

No, because people are like,

不，因為人們喜歡

I know his shirt looked a little, right?

我知道他的襯衫看起來有點，對吧？

No, no, no, no, no.

不，不，不，不，不。

I have man parts.

我有男人的器官

I just mean...

我的意思是...

I don't know.

我不知道。

I feel like every real man I know has a lot of tools, a lot of ties, and a lot of dress socks.

我覺得我認識的每個真正的男人都有很多工具、很多領帶和很多正裝襪子。

When do you get all those tools?

你什麼時候能拿到這些工具？

Someone was like, you get those tools for gifts.

有人說，這些工具是送給你的禮物。

I was like, ugh.

我當時想，唉。

Right?

對不對？

If my girl ever got me $200 worth of tools,

如果我的女朋友曾經給我買過價值 200 美元的工具、

I'd be like, return them and get me four PlayStation games.

我會說，把它們退回去，給我買四款 PlayStation 遊戲。

Ugh, tools?

工具？

Who buys tools?

誰買工具？

Ugh.

唉。

Somebody needs to leave them.

得有人離開他們。

I'm looking around this room right now.

我正在環顧這個房間。

There's a lot of people in here with tools.

這裡有很多帶著工具的人。

You have tools.

你有工具。

I look at your face.

我看著你的臉。

The way you sit.

你的坐姿

Ugh.

唉。

Of course I do.

我當然知道。

Yeah, I know you do.

是的，我知道你想。

Here's a I have tools face.

這是我的一張工具臉。

In his garage, working on his workbench, putting things he has fun doing.

在他的車庫裡，在他的工作臺上工作，做他喜歡做的事情。

No, yeah, exactly.

不，是的，沒錯。

Not me.

不是我。

You have a light on your workbench too, don't you?

你的工作臺上也有燈吧？

Of course I do.

我當然知道。

Yeah, of course.

是的，當然。

Yeah.

是啊

That's not a satisfying Christmas gift for me at all.

對我來說，這根本不是一份令人滿意的聖誕禮物。

No.

不

Mm-mm.

嗯

Tools?

工具？

Ew.

Ew.

No.

不

I don't know.

我不知道。

I have three tools.

我有三個工具。

I have a Phillips screwdriver.

我有一把十字螺絲刀。

I have a flathead screwdriver.

我有一把平頭螺絲刀。

And I use my girlfriend's pliers.

我用的是我女朋友的鉗子。

Right?

對不對？

You know how emasculated it is for your girlfriend to be like, did you put my pliers back?

你知道你的女朋友會有多生氣嗎？ 你把我的鉗子放回去了嗎？

And I was like, I was going to use them again.

我當時想，我要再用一次。

Don't worry about it.

不用擔心。

I'll put them back.

我會把它們放回去的。

The weirdest thing that's ever happened to me after a show is one time I was leaving a show, and I was telling people this.

演出結束後發生在我身上最奇怪的事情是，有一次我離開演出現場時，我告訴人們這樣一件事。

I don't have tools.

我沒有工具。

I'm leaving a show.

我要走了

This lady follows me to my car.

這位女士跟著我上了車。

As I'm walking out, she goes, excuse me, honey.

我走出去的時候，她說，對不起，親愛的。

Can I talk to you?

我能和你談談嗎？

Honey, excuse me.

親愛的，對不起

Hey, can I talk to you?

嘿，我能和你談談嗎？

And I didn't even know she was talking to me.

我甚至不知道她在跟我說話。

Right?

對不對？

I was like, what?

我當時想，什麼？

I was like, yeah.

我當時想，是啊。

She was like, you don't have a hammer?

她說，你沒有錘子嗎？

How do you not have a hammer, honey?

你怎麼會沒有錘子呢，親愛的？

When you were on stage, you said you had three tools, but you didn't mention a hammer.

你在臺上說你有三件工具，但沒有提到錘子。

How do you not have a hammer, honey?

你怎麼會沒有錘子呢，親愛的？

How do you survive without a hammer?

沒有錘子你怎麼生存？

Oh, my God.

我的天啊

How do you not have a hammer?

你怎麼會沒有錘子？

Like, she was, like, upset.

她好像很難過

It was, like, bothering her.

這讓她很困擾

I don't understand how you can survive in the world without a hammer.

我不明白，沒有錘子，你怎麼能在這個世界上生存。

Everybody needs to have a hammer.

每個人都需要一把錘子。

Right?

對不對？

And I'm like, are you really following me, you weirdo?

我就想，你真的在跟蹤我嗎，你這個怪人？

Right?

對不對？

We get to my car, and I'm like, yeah, I don't have one.

我們到了我的車上，我想，是的，我沒有車。

She goes, just wait one second.

她說，等一下

She runs to her car, comes back.

她跑到車裡，又回來了。

She goes, I always keep two hammers, and here's one.

她說，我一直有兩把錘子，這是一把。

Take the hammer.

拿著錘子

I got a hammer from some lady after a show.

在一次演出後，我從一位女士那裡得到了一把錘子。

I took the hammer.

我拿起了錘子。

I acted like I was really grateful.

我裝作非常感激的樣子。

I was like, oh, thank you.

我當時想，哦，謝謝你。

No, now everything's great.

不，現在一切都很好。

I didn't have the heart to tell her, like, I have a hammer, stupid.

我沒好意思告訴她，我有一把錘子，笨蛋。

OK?

行嗎？

At home.

在家裡

All right?

行嗎？

Who doesn't have a hammer?

誰沒有錘子？

OK?

行嗎？

So I just didn't tell you guys I have a hammer.

所以我沒告訴你們我有一把錘子。

But of course I have a hammer.

但我當然有錘子。

All right?

行嗎？

I have a house.

我有一所房子。

All right?

行嗎？

Like, house 101.

比如，房子 101。

Anyways, as I started driving away, I started laughing at myself, just thinking how stupid

總之，當我開車離開時，我開始嘲笑自己，覺得自己是多麼愚蠢。

I was.

我曾經是

Because she probably went back to her car and made a call like, yeah, hello?

因為她可能回到車裡，然後打了個電話，比如，喂？

Yeah, I got rid of the hammer.

是的，我把錘子扔了。

We're good to go.

我們可以走了。

Worked out perfect.

效果完美。

I got some murderous hammer in my trunk now.

我的後備箱裡現在有一把殺人錘。

It's beautiful.

太美了

Love being here, man.

我喜歡待在這裡

This is my second time ever in Utah, and I like it.

這是我第二次來猶他州，我喜歡這裡。

You guys, I'm not saying you get a bad name.

夥計們，我不是說你們名聲不好。

But you're a lot better than what people say about your name, is what I'm saying.

但我想說的是，你比人們對你名字的評價要好得多。

I like it here.

我喜歡這裡。

I do like it here.

我很喜歡這裡。

I discovered you have the best Chinese food in the world, apparently, according to the place next door.

我發現你們有世界上最好吃的中國菜，顯然是隔壁那家店說的。

They're like, what do you want to eat?

他們會問，你想吃什麼？

I was like, the best Chinese food is here.

我當時想，最好的中餐就在這裡。

It says it right out front, so let me get that.

前面就寫著呢，讓我來吧。

What could go wrong?

會出什麼問題呢？

Everything could go wrong.

一切都可能出錯。

Chinese food.

中餐。

But I had a little bit of that food.

但我還是吃了一點。

I'm content, though, because I stopped and had the best meal of my life.

不過，我已經很滿足了，因為我停下來吃了一頓人生中最美味的飯菜。

I stopped and had some McDonald's.

我停下來吃了點麥當勞。

I don't think any adult eats McDonald's nowadays, and when they're done eating it, they're like, that was delicious.

我不認為現在有哪個成年人會吃麥當勞，當他們吃完後，他們會說，真好吃。

I think even when kids eat McDonald's, they're like, my stomach hurts.

我想，即使孩子們吃了麥當勞，他們也會說，我肚子疼。

But I want to go back tomorrow.

但我想明天再去。

What is in it?

裡面有什麼？

McDonald's is the only food you eat, and you know you messed up when it's in your throat.

麥當勞是你唯一的食物，當它進入你的喉嚨時，你就知道你搞砸了。

It doesn't even have to get to your stomach.

它甚至不需要進入你的胃。

You're like, I got to start making mistakes.

你會想，我得開始犯錯誤了。

What is this?

這是什麼？

I don't care what fast food I eat.

我不在乎吃什麼快餐。

If I order french fries, I have to eat every fry.

如果我點了炸薯條，我就必須吃掉每一根薯條。

I get depressive if the fries start running out.

如果薯條開始用完，我就會抑鬱。

I reach in the bag.

我把手伸進包裡。

I'm like, I know there was more fries in this bag.

我就想，我知道這袋子裡還有更多薯條。

Where's the rest of those fries?

剩下的薯條呢？

Then I move the napkin out the way, and I find that one little burnt piece of crunchy fry.

然後我把餐巾挪開，發現那一小塊焦脆的油炸食品。

I'm like, that's what I'm talking about, baby, right there.

我想，這就是我所說的，寶貝，就在那裡。

My meal is complete.

我的晚餐完成了。

Before today, I haven't been to McDonald's in like six or seven months, and I was cleaning out my car, and I found some french fries in between the seats.

今天之前，我大概有六七個月沒去麥當勞了，我在清理我的車時，在座位中間發現了一些薯條。

Yes, and the fries look better than they did the day that I bought them.

是的，薯條看起來比我買的那天還要好吃。

I was like, how is there no bacteria on these fries?

我就想，這些薯條上怎麼會沒有細菌呢？

You know how bad of a food you have to be for mold to be like, I don't eat that.

你知道，要想讓黴菌喜歡你的食物，你得吃多難吃的食物，我才不吃。

That's a horrible food.

這是一種可怕的食物。

Someone was like, did you eat the fries?

有人問，你吃薯條了嗎？

I did lick one of them.

我確實舔了其中一個。

It was still salty.

還是鹹的。

I didn't eat it, though.

不過我沒吃。

I was like, this is super salt.

我當時就想，這鹽超好吃。

How is it still there?

它怎麼還在？

I was telling one of my friends about that on the way here.

在來的路上，我跟我的一個朋友說起過這件事。

I was like, yo, I found french fries in between my seats.

我當時想，喲，我在座位中間發現了薯條。

She was like, you found french fries?

她說，你找到炸薯條了？

She was like, I found a burger in between my seats.

她說，我在座位中間發現了一個漢堡。

I was like, a burger?

我當時想，漢堡？

I was like, what, like a wrapped up burger?

我當時想，什麼，就像一個包裹起來的漢堡？

She was like, no, just a patty.

她說，不，只是一塊肉餅。

I said, who loses a burger patty in between their seats?

我說，誰會把漢堡肉餅丟在座位中間呢？

How dirty is your car that you can lose a patty?

你的車有多髒，能讓你丟掉一塊肉餅？

I've never once went to McDonald's and was eating a cheeseburger, and the meat fell from between the bun.

我從來沒有一次去麥當勞吃芝士漢堡時，肉從麵包中間掉了下來。

And I just kept eating it like, oh, I guess this is just a ketchup, onion, cheese, mustard, pickle sandwich.

我一直在吃，就像在吃番茄醬、洋蔥、奶酪、芥末、醃黃瓜三明治。

How do you lose the patty?

如何丟掉肉餅？

I started thinking about some people's cars.

我開始思考一些人的汽車。

Some people's cars are filthy.

有些人的車很髒。

Some people can lose a patty in their car.

有些人會在車裡丟掉一塊肉餅。

You ever go to get in someone's car, you get in the passenger seat, and they start apologizing as you get in?

你有沒有過這樣的經歷：你去坐別人的車，坐到副駕駛的位置上，而對方卻在你上車時開始道歉？

Like, don't worry about it.

比如，別擔心。

You can step on everything.

你可以踩到任何東西。

Don't worry about it.

不用擔心。

Just get in and step on that stuff.

進去踩一腳就好了。

You step in, there's Aquafina bottles and all kinds of coffee cups.

走進去，你會看到 Aquafina 瓶子和各種咖啡杯。

Like...

比如...

There's crushing stuff leaking on your feet the whole ride.

一路上都有壓碎的東西漏在你的腳上。

I feel like they always have one important thing on the floor.

我覺得他們總是把一件重要的事情放在地板上。

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't step on that.

哇哦，哇哦，哇哦，別踩到了。

That's my application.

這就是我的申請。

Hey, why is it on the floor?

嘿，怎麼在地板上？

That's my fast car.

那是我的快車

Sorry, I left it on the floor.

對不起，我忘在地上了。

People's cars are filthy like that.

人們的汽車就是這樣髒兮兮的。

They feel pressure when more than two people ask them for a ride, right?

如果有兩個以上的人讓他們搭車，他們就會感到壓力，對嗎？

Can I get a ride too?

也能載我一程嗎？

They're like, uh...

他們就像，呃...

Give me a second.

給我點時間

Meet me at the car in five.

5分鐘後車上見

They gotta clean all that stuff from behind the passenger seat that they just throw back.

他們得把副駕駛座後面的東西都清理乾淨，然後再扔回去。

They're gross cars.

這些車真噁心

Clap if you have a pet, if you have a dog.

如果你有寵物，如果你有狗，請鼓掌。

Clap.

鼓掌。

Clap if you have a cat.

如果你有一隻貓，請鼓掌。

All right, so one girl has both back there.

好吧，一個女孩後面兩個都有。

The girl...

那個女孩

The screechy girl back there.

後面那個尖聲尖氣的女孩

Good, okay, very happy to have both.

很好，很好，很高興都有了。

That's good.

很好

Your car smells phenomenal, I guarantee.

我保證，你的車聞起來一定很香。

The type of girl that just lies to you.

那種只會騙你的女孩。

You're sitting in her car.

你坐在她的車裡

She's like, oh, this dog got wet somehow.

她想，哦，這隻狗不知怎麼就溼了。

I don't know.

我不知道。

She jumped in a lake.

她跳進了湖裡。

I don't know what happened.

我不知道發生了什麼。

You'll be riding in someone's car with a dog and you're like...

你和狗一起坐別人的車，你會覺得......

And, you know, they know it stinks in there.

你知道，他們知道那裡很臭。

But they're waiting to look at your face to see when you crack the window, you know, when you're just sitting there.

但他們在等著看你的表情，看你什麼時候敲開窗戶，你知道，當你只是坐在那裡的時候。

And you're just waiting and eventually you're like, I can't take it anymore.

你只是在等待，最終你會覺得，我再也受不了了。

It doesn't matter if it's three degrees outside.

即使室外氣溫只有三度也沒關係。

You're like, I can't breathe.

你會覺得，我無法呼吸。

It stinks in here, okay?

這裡很臭，好嗎？

I can adjust the temperature.

我可以調節溫度。

Nope, I'm good.

不，我很好。

I want the fresh air.

我想呼吸新鮮空氣

If you have a dog and I'm riding in your car, clean your car a little bit.

如果你有一隻狗，而我正坐在你的車裡，那就稍微打掃一下你的車吧。

That's all I'm saying.

我就說這麼多。

I don't want to step out and you're like, yeah, open the glove box.

我可不想一出門，你就說 "好吧，打開手套箱"。

I got one of those rolly things so you can get all the stuff off of you.

我買了一個滾輪，這樣你就能把身上的東西都弄下來。

Don't give me that.

別跟我說這個。

Just clean the car before I get in.

上車前把車洗乾淨就行。

Rolling over my clothes.

滾過我的衣服

Whoa, whoa, come here, come here.

哇哦 哇哦 過來 過來

It's on its last strip.

這是最後一條了。

Let's just roll.

讓我們開始吧。

I don't know.

我不知道。

People with cats and dogs are funny, man.

養貓養狗的人真有趣，夥計。

How many people don't like cats?

有多少人不喜歡貓？

Clap if you don't like cats.

如果你不喜歡貓，請鼓掌。

How'd that feel?

感覺如何？

Raise your hand if you're one of the people who said you don't like cats.

說不喜歡貓的人請舉手。

Why don't you like cats?

你為什麼不喜歡貓？

There's no purpose, right?

沒有目的，對吧？

There's no purpose?

沒有目的？

Really?

真的嗎？

How evil is this guy?

這傢伙有多邪惡？

Like the cat's purpose is to serve him.

就像貓的目的就是為他服務一樣。

Like, I'm here for you, meow.

比如，我在這裡等你，喵。

Right?

對不對？

What do you mean no purpose?

什麼叫沒有目的？

These are the things that people say when you ask them about a cat.

當你向別人打聽貓的情況時，他們會這樣說。

I like cats.

我喜歡貓

I like dogs, too.

我也喜歡狗。

But when you ask someone, a dog person, you're like, do you like cats?

但當你問一個喜歡狗的人，你會問，你喜歡貓嗎？