Everybody's had them at some point in their life, right?

每個人一生中都會遇到過，對嗎？

I mean, we've all had those dreams where you're falling off a cliff, where all your teeth are falling out, or dog the bounty hunters repossessing your car.

我的意思是，我們都做過這樣的夢，夢見你掉下懸崖，夢見你的牙齒掉光，夢見賞金獵人收回你的車。

We've all had them nightmares, right?

我們都做過噩夢，對嗎？

Well, today I'd like to go over my top three reoccurring nightmares that apparently my stupid brain just can't get enough of.

好吧，今天我想說說我最常做的三個噩夢，很顯然，我那愚蠢的大腦就是對它們愛不釋手。

Number three.

三號

All right, now this first reoccurring nightmare

好了，現在是第一個重複出現的噩夢

I used to have all the time back when I worked at a shitty car dealership.

我以前在一家破車行工作的時候就經常這樣。

And in this dream, I would be standing in the service aisle, right beside the tires, and I would do nothing for hours and hours on end.

在這個夢裡，我會站在服務過道上，就在輪胎旁邊，幾個小時什麼也不做。

That was it. That was the entire dream.

就是這樣這就是整個夢想。

Now you might be sitting there like, well, how's that a fucking nightmare?

現在你可能坐在那裡想，好吧，這他媽怎麼會是一場噩夢呢？

What's so scary about that?

這有什麼可怕的？

Well, the scary part actually happened when I woke up, because that's when I realized that I had to go to work and stand in the service aisle by the fucking tires and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours on end.

其實，最可怕的部分是在我醒來時發生的，因為那時我才意識到，我必須去上班，站在該死的輪胎旁的服務過道里，一連幾個小時什麼也不做。

Because that was the majority of my goddamn job.

因為這就是我的大部分工作。

Now, if you don't think that's a nightmare, well, you obviously have never worked a dead-end job before in your life.

現在，如果你覺得這不是噩夢，那麼，顯然你這輩子都沒做過一份沒前途的工作。

I basically worked two shifts back to back, one in dreamland and one in fucking reality land.

我基本上是兩班倒，一班在夢鄉，一班在該死的現實世界。

And I only got paid for one.

而我只拿了一次報酬。

What a crock of shit.

真是一派胡言。

I mean, I'll take the fucking dog the bounty hunter nightmare over that shit any day of the week.

我的意思是，賞金獵人噩夢中的那隻該死的狗，我隨時都可以把它帶走。

All right, double shift monotonous hell fucking nightmare.

好吧，兩班倒的單調地獄噩夢。

Check.

檢查。

On to the next one.

下一個

Number two.

二號

Now, as I've mentioned in my dumb dreams cartoon that I made like 4,000 years ago, when I was a kid,

現在，正如我在 4000 年前做的愚蠢夢境卡通片中提到的，那時我還是個孩子、

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare that Harry and Marv from the movie Home Alone would break into my house and I'd have to fucking huck paint cans down my stairs to defend myself.

我經常做一個噩夢，夢見電影《家有兒女》裡的哈里和馬伕闖進我家，我不得不把油漆罐從樓梯上扔下來自衛。

And for a while, that was the only reoccurring nightmare that I had as a kid.

有一段時間，這是我小時候唯一經常做的噩夢。

Well, all of that changed one day when I went to the Blockbuster Video and I rented a little video game called Resident Evil 2 for the Sony PlayStation.

有一天，我去百視達音像店租了一款索尼 PlayStation 的小遊戲《生化危機 2》，這一切都改變了。

Now, if you've never played Resident Evil 2, it's a game about zombies and it's terrifying as hell.

現在，如果你沒玩過《生化危機 2》，這是一款關於殭屍的遊戲，而且非常恐怖。

Well, imagine my naive eight-year-old ass playing this game for the first time, all by myself late at night.

想象一下，我這個八歲的孩子第一次獨自在深夜玩這款遊戲時的天真模樣吧。

You remember that fucking opening cutscene?

你還記得那該死的開場場景嗎？

Look at this shit.

看看這玩意兒

Look at these graphics back in 1998.

看看 1998 年的這些圖形。

I thought these were real fucking people on the screen.

我以為螢幕上的這些人都是他媽的真人。

That shit was terrifying as hell.

那玩意兒嚇死人了

Well, after playing roughly 45 seconds of this game and dying in the street, didn't even make it to fucking Kendo's gun shop,

好吧，我玩了大約 45 秒鐘就死在了街上，甚至連他媽的劍道槍店都沒去成、

I promptly turned the PlayStation off and I was a-okay with never playing that frightening-ass shit ever again.

我立刻關掉了 PlayStation，從此再也不玩那嚇人的玩意兒了。

Well, naturally, it didn't take long for my stupid-ass brain to internalize that shit and next thing you know,

自然而然，沒過多久，我那愚蠢的大腦就把這些東西內化了，接下來你就知道了、

I'm having zombie nightmares left and right.

我左右都在做殭屍噩夢。

Now, these dreams always started off pretty much the same.

現在，這些夢的開頭總是大同小異。

I'd be sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody starts pounding on my front door.

我坐在沙發上，忙著自己的事情，突然有人開始敲我的前門。

So I'd go to answer it and it'd always be somebody random as hell.

於是我就去接電話，結果總是隨便找個人。

It'd be like my fucking dad's friend Carl and he'd be like,

這就像我他媽的爸爸的朋友卡爾 他會像，

Hey, fucking guess what?

嘿，你猜怎麼著？

Fucking zombies out in the street all willy-nilly.

街上到處都是該死的殭屍

Come on, we gotta get the hell out of here.

快點，我們得離開這鬼地方。

And then we'd run out in the streets and we'd have nothing to defend ourselves but like a fucking broken Nerf gun and a goddamn wiffle ball bat.

然後我們跑到街上，除了一把破爛的納夫槍和一根該死的球棒，我們沒有任何東西可以保護自己。

Now, it's important to note that in these nightmares

現在，需要注意的是，在這些噩夢中

I can never run at full speed.

我永遠無法全速奔跑。

For whatever reason, it always feels like I'm waist deep in like chocolate pudding or some shit.

不管是什麼原因，我總覺得自己像深陷在巧克力布丁之類的東西里。

I can only move in slow motion.

我只能做慢動作。

Meanwhile, the zombies are on fucking roller skates flying at us at full speed and shit.

與此同時，殭屍們穿著該死的旱冰鞋，全速向我們飛來。

Now, somehow they would never catch up to my ass, but almost every single time my dad's friend Carl would end up getting bitten by a zombie.

但幾乎每次我爸爸的朋友卡爾都會被殭屍咬傷。

But I'd never know it because that piece of shit would always try to hide it from me in these fucking dreams.

但我永遠都不會知道，因為那個混蛋總是試圖在這些該死的夢裡瞞著我。

I'd look over and his ass would suddenly be wearing like a long-sleeved turtleneck or some shit.

我看過去，他的屁股會突然穿上長袖高領毛衣之類的東西。

What? What are you looking at?

什麼？你在看什麼？

It's chilly outside, all right?

外面很冷，好嗎？

What's the big deal?

有什麼大不了的？

Ten minutes later, that shit would come back to bite me in the ass.

十分鐘後，我就會被這些狗屁東西反咬一口。

Literally.

字面意思是

Ah, shit, I'm out of ammo!

啊，該死，我沒子彈了！

Carl, I need another bandolier!

卡爾，我還需要一個腰包！

Carl?

卡爾？

Ah, guess what?

啊，你猜怎麼著？

Fucking.. I'm a zombie now!

他媽的. .我現在是殭屍了

Bleh!

真糟糕

Oh, piss!

哦，小便！

And then I'd wake up right around that point in the middle of the night and I'd have so much goddamn resentment for my dad's friend, Carl.

然後我就會在半夜醒來 我對我爸爸的朋友卡爾充滿了怨恨

He'd, like, come over to our house the next day and be like,

他第二天就會來我們家，然後說：

Hey, it's me, Carl! Where's your dad at?

嘿，是我，卡爾你爸爸在哪兒？

And I'd be like,

我就會說：

Fuck off, Carl, you turtleneck-wearing piece of shit!

滾開 卡爾 你這個穿高領毛衣的廢物

But hey, that's the way it goes.

不過，事情就是這樣。

What can I say?

我能說什麼呢？

All right, zombie apocalypse with my dad's friend nightmare.

好吧，殭屍啟示錄 我爸爸的朋友的噩夢。

Ahem, check.

咳咳，檢查一下。

What's next?

下一步是什麼？

Number 1

第 1 號

All right, now this last nightmare always takes place at Cedar Point.

好了，最後一個噩夢總是發生在雪松角。

And if you've never been to Cedar Point before, well, it's a theme park in Ohio that has some of the biggest, most butthole-clenching roller coasters on the planet.

如果你以前從未去過雪松角，那麼它是俄亥俄州的一個主題公園，擁有地球上最大、最刺激的雲霄飛車。

And one of those roller coasters is the Millennium Force.

其中一個雲霄飛車就是 "千年原力"。

Now, the first time I saw the Millennium Force as a kid,

這是我小時候第一次看到 "千年部隊"、

I thought it was the tallest goddamn thing in the entire world.

我以為那是全世界最高的東西。

And my little ass was not the biggest fan of heights back then, let me tell you.

讓我告訴你吧，我的小屁股當時並不喜歡高處。

So needless to say, the first time I rode the Millennium Force, it traumatized my ass quite a bit.

所以不用說，我第一次乘坐 "千禧之力 "時，屁股受到了不小的創傷。

Well, you can bet your ass it didn't take long for my stupid brain to be like,

好吧，你可以打賭，沒過多久，我那愚蠢的大腦就像、

Hey, I wrote a script for this new dream.

嘿，我為這個新夢想寫了個劇本。

It's called Get Stuck on Top of the Millennium Force Dream.

它的名字叫 "卡在千禧之夢的頂端"（Get Stuck on Top of the Millennium Force Dream）。

Does that sound like fun?

聽起來有趣嗎？

Yeah, that's right.

是的，沒錯。

In this reoccurring nightmare,

在這個不斷重複的噩夢中、

I get stuck at the very tippity-top of the Millennium Force.

我被困在千年之力的最頂端。

Now, I've had this dream hundreds of times, to say the least.

現在，這個夢我已經做了幾百次了。

And sure, it's not always exactly the same.

當然，情況也不總是完全一樣。

Sometimes the Millennium Force will be made out of popsicle sticks, and it's flimsy as hell.

有時，"千年部隊 "是用冰棒棍做成的，脆弱得要命。

Sometimes the Millennium Force is so high up, it's basically in the fucking stratosphere.

有時，"千年部隊 "是如此高高在上，基本上就在他媽的平流層裡。

Hell, sometimes it's not even the Millennium Force at all.

見鬼，有時甚至根本就不是 "千年部隊"。

Instead, it'll be some, like, new bullshit ride that my stupid ass brain came up with.

取而代之的，將是我的蠢腦袋想出來的一些新的狗屁遊樂設施。

Hey, you guys wanna ride the Holy High Five?

嘿，你們想搭乘 "神聖五號 "嗎？

Uh, what's the Holy High Five?

什麼是 "神聖擊掌"？

Oh, it's a roller coaster that's so high up, you can high-five God.

哦，這是一個高高在上的雲霄飛車，你可以和上帝擊掌。

Oh, piss! Oh, piss!

哦 撒尿哦，小便

But no matter what rendition of this stupid nightmare plays out in my head, it always ends the same way.

但無論我腦子裡如何演繹這場愚蠢的噩夢，結局都是一樣的。

And that, of course, is with me falling off the fucking roller coaster, and with me waking up in bed abruptly.

當然，這是在我從該死的雲霄飛車上摔下來，在床上突然醒來的情況下發生的。

Oh, piss!

哦，小便！

With the feeling of my asshole up in my own throat.

我的喉嚨裡有屁眼的感覺。

Now, thankfully, it's just a dream.

現在，幸好這只是一個夢。

It's not real.

這不是真的。

And there's nothing to be afraid of.

沒有什麼可怕的。

That is, until, you know, ten years later as an adult,

直到十年後，我長大成人、

I actually did get stuck on the fucking Millennium Force.

事實上，我確實卡在了該死的 "千年部隊 "上。

Yeah, what a rootin' tootin' time that is.

是啊，那是多麼美好的時光。

Having a reoccurring nightmare all of a sudden become reality.

經常做的噩夢突然變成了現實。

There we are, me and my wife, living our best lives, suspended hundreds of feet in the air, stuck on the fucking Millennium Force.

我們在那裡，我和我的妻子，過著我們最美好的生活，懸浮在幾百英尺高的空中，被困在該死的 "千年部隊 "上。

And hey, guess what?

你猜怎麼著？

I already did a cartoon of that story, like, fucking ten years ago.

我他媽十年前就做過這個故事的卡通片了。

So if you wanna know that whole story, go check out that cartoon.

所以，如果你想知道整個故事，就去看看那部卡通片吧。

Or don't. I'm not your dad.

或者不要我不是你爸爸

I can't tell you what to do.

我不能告訴你該怎麼做。

But those are my personal top three reoccurring nightmares.

但這是我個人經常做的三大噩夢。

And if you don't think they're very scary, well, that's fine.

如果你覺得它們並不可怕，那也沒關係。

But you better hope that one of your stupid-ass nightmares doesn't come true, because it sucks ass, let me tell you.

但你最好希望你那愚蠢的噩夢不會成真，因為我告訴你，那太糟糕了。

Ah! Oh, wow, what a fucking weird nightmare.

哦，哇，真是個奇怪的噩夢。

Hey, you! It's me, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

嘿，你是我，賞金獵人竇

I'm repossessing your Honda Accord, you fucking piece of shit.

我要收回你的本田雅閣，你這該死的廢物。

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