I envy these guys. Some of you don't even dress yourselves anymore.

我真羨慕這些人。你們中有些人甚至都不再打扮自己了。

You just wear the next clean shirt. I want that.

你就穿下一件乾淨的襯衫吧我就要這樣

Then I'm like, where do you go to find this wife? You can go to clubs or bars.

然後我就問，你去哪裡找這個妻子？你可以去俱樂部或酒吧

I don't like going to nightclubs. Nightclubs are filled with single mothers and liars.

我不喜歡去夜總會。夜總會里都是單親媽媽和金光黨。

There's a lot of single mothers in the club and overall single mothers are doing a good job.

俱樂部裡有很多單身母親，總的來說，單身母親們做得很好。

But the world is crazy and you need to wait a while before you introduce these guys you're dating to your kids.

但這個世界是瘋狂的，你需要等一段時間，再把你約會的這些人介紹給你的孩子。

I went out with this single mother two times. I'm at work, the school called me to come pick up her son.

我和這位單身母親約會過兩次。我正在上班，學校打電話讓我去接她兒子。

You can't put my name on the list to come pick up your son. I only seen this dude two times in the dark at your house.

你不能讓我去接你兒子我只在你家的黑暗中見過他兩次

They wear uniforms now. They got the same little haircut. I might pick up the wrong kid.

他們現在穿制服了。髮型也一樣我可能找錯人了

Now this dude is on my backseat wheezing. I don't need that.

現在這傢伙在我後座上喘氣。我不需要那樣

But I'm scared. I'm not afraid to admit it. Marriage is a major decision.

但我害怕。我不怕承認這一點。婚姻是一個重大的決定

How many times in your life do you want to lose half your stuff?

在你的一生中，你有多少次想丟掉一半的東西？

And I'll share with you what scares me the most. What scares me the most about marriage is the fact that men and women don't even look at marriage the same way.

我將與你們分享我最害怕的事情。關於婚姻，最讓我害怕的是男人和女人對婚姻的看法根本不一樣。

When women talk about marriage, it's a happy occasion.

當女人談及婚姻時，那是一個幸福的時刻。

I'm getting married. I got my ring. I got my colors picked out.

我要結婚了。我買了戒指我挑好了顏色

I got four of my fat friends to stand next to me.

我找了四個胖朋友站在我旁邊。

It's going to be a beautiful day. No, their dress is ugly. Mine is pretty.

這將是美好的一天。不，他們的裙子很醜我的很漂亮

But it's not the same for the men. When men talk about marriage with our friends, it sounds like something you get diagnosed with.

但對男人來說卻不一樣。當男性與我們的朋友談論婚姻時，聽起來就像是你被診斷出患有某種疾病。

Did you hear what happened to Charles?

你聽說查爾斯的事了嗎？

No, what? He's getting married. No!

不，什麼？他要結婚了他要結婚了

I just seen him last week.

我上週才見過他。

When did he find out?

他什麼時候發現的？

She told him yesterday at dinner.

她昨天吃晚飯時告訴他的。

Is there anything that we could do for him? No, the invitations already went out. There's nothing we can do.

我們能為他做什麼嗎？沒有，邀請函已經發出去了我們無能為力

It's rough.

很艱難。

I live in Atlanta. You'd think it'd be easy to find somebody in Atlanta.

我住在亞特蘭大你以為在亞特蘭大很容易找到人嗎

We have every group represented. We got the LBGTQ community.

我們有每個群體的代表。我們有 LBGTQ 群體。

But it's 2022. You can't offend anyone. You can't step on anybody's toes.

但現在是 2022 年。你不能冒犯任何人你不能踩到任何人的腳趾。

If you meet somebody in Atlanta that's attractive, you have to say things like,

如果你在亞特蘭大遇到一個有魅力的人，你必須說這樣的話：

How long have you been a woman?

你做女人多久了？

That's a legit question in Atlanta.

在亞特蘭大，這是一個合理的問題。

If you've been doing this for 10, 15 years, I might be okay with it.

如果你已經做了 10 年、15 年，我可能會接受。

But if this is your first date, I don't want no parts of this.

但如果這是你的第一次約會 我可不想摻和進來

I could tell you just bought these heels. You really can't walk in them.

我看得出來你剛買了這雙高跟鞋你穿著它真的沒法走路

You still saying things guys say like race you to the car.

你還在說男人說的話，比如跟你比賽開車。

Don't no woman say race you to the car.

別讓女人跟你賽跑。

But I practice what I preach. The older I get, I realize nobody wants to die alone.

但我言出必行隨著年齡的增長，我意識到沒有人願意孤獨終老。

You have to be open minded to dating people from different races, different religions, different age ranges.

你必須以開放的心態與來自不同種族、不同宗教、不同年齡段的人約會。

I used to date a Muslim girl. She came to me early in the relationship and said,

我曾經和一個穆斯林女孩約會過。交往初期，她來找我說：

Would you consider becoming Muslim so we could get married?

你會考慮成為穆斯林以便我們結婚嗎？

And I was like, No, I'm Christian. I just want one wife and a girlfriend.

我就說，不，我是基督徒。我只想要一個妻子和一個女朋友

Who wants four wives?

誰想要四個妻子？

I was raised right, you know.

你知道，我從小就被教育得很好。

Nobody wants to come home from a night of drinking and be like, I was out with the fellas.

誰也不想喝了一晚上酒回到家，就說我和兄弟們出去了。

I was out with the fellas. I was out with the fellas.

我和夥計們出去了我和夥計們出去了

I was out with the fellas.

我和夥計們出去了

The relationship had some good and some bad. It lasted four years and we broke up.

這段關係有好有壞。四年後，我們分手了。

And I moved from Atlanta to Vegas for a while. I just had to get away and start over.

我從亞特蘭大搬到拉斯維加斯住了一段時間。我只是想離開這裡，重新開始。

The women know what I'm talking about. You just get tired of four year relationship after four year relationship.

女人知道我在說什麼。你只是厭倦了四年又四年的戀愛關係。

And I needed a new start. I'm sitting in Vegas and a good friend of mine called me up.

我需要一個新的開始。我坐在拉斯維加斯，我的一個好朋友打電話給我。

You always have a good friend who helps you through a breakup.

你總會有一個好朋友幫助你渡過失戀的難關。

And my buddy was like, Man, you're in Vegas. Why don't you see what Vegas has to offer?

我的朋友就說，夥計，你在拉斯維加斯。為什麼不去看看拉斯維加斯有什麼好玩的？

And I was like, Bro, I'm tired. I'm not doing anything else.

我當時想，兄弟，我累了。我什麼都不想做了

No more dinners. No more movies. No more car parts. I'm not buying anything else.

不再聚餐不再看電影不再買汽車零件我什麼都不買了

Thanks for laughing. Let me know I'm not the only person ever bought a woman car parts before.

謝謝你笑我。讓我知道我不是唯一一個給女人買過汽車零件的人。

And it reminded me of a time I was dating a young lady.

這讓我想起了我和一位年輕女士約會時的情景。

And one day she called me out the blue and was like, Hey, I'm down here at the tire shop.

有一天，她突然打電話給我，說，嘿，我在輪胎店。

I got the kids with me and the guy is saying that I need front and back brakes.

我帶著孩子，那傢伙說我需要前後剎車。

Is there any way that you could come down and help out?

你能來幫忙嗎？

And I was like, Yes, I could come down and help out.

我當時想，是的，我可以下來幫忙。

But you need to call the other two guys you're sleeping with, too.

但你也得給和你上床的另外兩個人打個電話。

And let's get them down here and help out with the bill.

讓他們過來幫忙買單吧

So I got down to the tire shop and I got the guy on the phone and I said,

於是我去了輪胎店 給店員打了個電話 我說：

Hey, man, I already paid for these front brakes.

嘿，夥計，我已經為這些前剎車付過錢了。

You need to come pay for these back brakes because we need to keep her safe while she drives between both our houses.

你需要來支付這些後剎車的費用，因為我們需要保證她在我們兩家之間開車時的安全。

You're not going to take my brakes and stop at his house.

你不能踩著我的剎車停在他家。

I'm fair. I'm not a fool.

我是公平的。我不是傻瓜。

So my buddy in trying to cheer me up, he says, I know what you need.

我的朋友想讓我振作起來，他說，我知道你需要什麼。

You need a chubby girl. You never dated a chubby girl.

你需要一個胖女孩你從沒和胖女孩約會過

Chubby girls are fun.

胖女孩很有趣

So I went and found a chubby girl, but nobody told me chubby girls eat your leftovers.

所以我去找了個胖女孩，但沒人告訴我胖女孩會吃你剩下的東西。

And I wasn't prepared for that. I don't have extra meals like that.

我對此毫無準備。我沒有這樣的加餐。

I'm on a budget. All my meals are spoken for.

我有預算。我所有的膳食都是現成的。

She would call me in the middle of the day and be like, I left this morning quietly.

她會在中午給我打電話，說我今天早上悄悄離開了。

I don't want to make no noise and wake you.

我不想吵醒你。

And I'm like, yeah, but you took my lunch.

我就說，是啊，但你吃了我的午餐。

I was going to eat that spaghetti when I woke up.

一覺醒來，我就想吃麵條。

This ain't going to work, chubby girl. This ain't going to work.

這行不通的 胖女孩這行不通的

But I meet women with kids. I don't mind if you have kids.

但我遇到過有孩子的女人。我不介意你有孩子。

I just don't like bad kids.

我只是不喜歡壞孩子。

I don't like the people with the big five-year-olds dragging their feet in baby strollers all over Walmart.

我不喜歡那些帶著五歲大的孩子，拖著嬰兒車走遍沃爾瑪的人。

If you can go from Walmart to your car and your kid can get out the stroller, help you break it down and put it in the back of the car, they don't need to be in no stroller.

如果你能從沃爾瑪走到你的車旁，而你的孩子能拿出嬰兒車，幫你把它拆開並放到車後座上，那麼他們就不需要坐在嬰兒車裡了。

I'm in the mall the other day. I seen a kid in a stroller reading.

那天我在商場裡。我看到一個孩子坐在嬰兒車裡看書。

And you know who I hate the most?

你知道我最討厭誰嗎？

You know, the people with the three and the four-year-olds that can talk, but the mother let them use a pacifier.

你知道，那些三四歲的孩子會說話，但媽媽讓他們用奶嘴的人。

I'm over at this girl's house two weeks ago.

兩週前，我去了一個女孩家。

We sitting on the couch watching TV, baby in the middle of the living room playing.

我們坐在沙發上看電視，寶寶在客廳中央玩耍。

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the baby go, you know I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, right?

突然間，不知道從哪兒冒出來的寶寶說，你知道我明天要去看醫生，對吧？

And I'm like, this is not a baby. This dude is making whole sentences right here.

我想，這不是一個嬰兒。這傢伙在這裡造完整的句子

This ain't no baby.

這不是孩子

For more information visit www.FEMA.gov

欲瞭解更多資訊，請訪問 www.FEMA.gov