Name: 單口相聲之王 | Andy Huggins | 脫口秀喜劇 (King of One-Liners | Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy)
Uploaded: 2024-09-04T10:15:54.000Z
Duration: 10 min 42 s

I started walking towards the stage three comics ago.

三部漫畫之前，我就開始走向舞臺。

Forty years ago, when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women.

四十年前，當我開始表演單口相聲時，每個人都告訴我這是結識女性的好方法。

I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.

我加入了一個同齡人的交友網站，名叫 "碳約會"。

I asked a woman on the site for her number.

我向網站上的一位女士要了她的電話號碼。

The great thing about dating a woman my own age,

Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work was terrible.

在佩戴助聽器之前，我在人群中的表現非常糟糕。

I asked an audience member where he was from.

He said my mama. I heard Miami and said I've been there.

他說是我媽媽。我聽到邁阿密的聲音，說我去過那裡。

Recently, my Uber driver was from Egypt, and when I got into his car, he was talking over a phone in Arabic, only I didn't see any device, so I thought he was talking to me using syllables I didn't recognize.

最近，我的 Uber 司機來自埃及，當我坐進他的車時，他正在用阿拉伯語講電話，只是我沒看到任何設備，所以我以為他在用我不認識的音節跟我說話。

And I thought, so, this is what a stroke is like.

Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?

I did, and after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.

我照做了，做完之後，我把手機放進了一袋大米里。

Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?

有人把一袋大米掉進過廁所嗎？

我在 Facebook 上做了一個測驗，題目叫

I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, we'll see you in 10 years, and I thought, but fuck you will.

我做了結腸鏡檢查，檢查結束後，他們說，我們 10 年後再見，我心想，去你媽的。

我是一個遊戲玩家。我們有玩家嗎？

Walking can be difficult for me at times.

I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.

我確實擔心絆倒和摔跤，所以我戴著頭盔。

I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

我還擔心自己看起來很滑稽，所以我帶了一塊滑板。

I would even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course, so I quit jogging.

我甚至會在慢跑的時候抽菸，這當然很愚蠢，所以我放棄了慢跑。

Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.

I give unwanted advice to total strangers.

我給完全陌生的人提供不需要的建議。

He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him.

他嘲笑我，想給我一個楔子，但玩笑開在他身上。

I got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.

我收到了一份預付費火葬的宣傳冊。

If you die in a fire, you get half your money back.

如果你死於火災，你可以拿回一半的錢。

I'm just not sure what kind I want to get yet.

I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a skull, my home address.

我想可能是鐵絲網、骷髏頭和我家的地址。

Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.

抬起頭，看到了那道光，便開始朝它走去。

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.

我問 Siri 關於我壽命的問題，她卻轉移了話題。

Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.

經常有人站起來給我讓座，這在公車上很好，但在男廁所裡就有點嚇人了。

I'm from Houston, Texas, and I can now ride the city buses in Houston for free, which is great news for the women of Houston.

我來自德克薩斯州的休斯頓，現在我可以免費乘坐休斯頓的城市公車，這對休斯頓的女性來說是個好消息。

I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

我可以在四個半小時內到達任何地方。

A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the Adopt-a-Grandparent program.

一位朋友問我是否願意參加 "領養祖父母 "計劃。

Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.

現在我手上有一個 95 歲的老人。

I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.

我很想當爺爺，但我連孩子都沒有。

I have to go back because I forgot something.

我得回去，因為我忘了點東西。

Tonight I reached for my wallet, and wouldn't you know it, I'd forgotten my pants.

今晚，我伸手去拿錢包，不料卻忘了帶褲子。

I found this new technique, which has improved my memory.

我發現了這個新技巧，它改善了我的記憶力。

I've quit listening to people, so I have less crap to remember.

我已經不聽別人的話了，所以也就沒那麼多廢話要記了。

There were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.

I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave.

我會喝醉，遇到一個女人，回到我的住處，做愛，給自己叫一輛計程車，然後離開。

One night that lady asked me to spank her.

一天晚上，那位女士讓我打她的屁股。

She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.

她有多重人格，而我又不擅長記名字。

The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from Colonial Times to early this morning.

從殖民時代到今天清晨的美國公眾酗酒史》。

Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.

第二次我很清醒，但那玩意兒很硬。

我會喝醉，然後去 "不給糖就搗蛋"。

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單口相聲之王 | Andy Huggins | 脫口秀喜劇 (King of One-Liners | Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy)

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technique

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