Thank you.

謝謝。

I started walking towards the stage three comics ago.

三部漫畫之前，我就開始走向舞臺。

Forty years ago, when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women.

四十年前，當我開始表演單口相聲時，每個人都告訴我這是結識女性的好方法。

We'll see.

我們拭目以待。

I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.

我加入了一個同齡人的交友網站，名叫 "碳約會"。

I asked a woman on the site for her number.

我向網站上的一位女士要了她的電話號碼。

She told me it was 140 over 95.

她告訴我是 140 比 95。

The great thing about dating a woman my own age,

和同齡女人約會的好處

I don't worry about meeting her parents.

我不擔心會見到她的父母。

Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work was terrible.

在佩戴助聽器之前，我在人群中的表現非常糟糕。

I asked an audience member where he was from.

我問一位觀眾他來自哪裡。

He said my mama. I heard Miami and said I've been there.

他說是我媽媽。我聽到邁阿密的聲音，說我去過那裡。

Recently, my Uber driver was from Egypt, and when I got into his car, he was talking over a phone in Arabic, only I didn't see any device, so I thought he was talking to me using syllables I didn't recognize.

最近，我的 Uber 司機來自埃及，當我坐進他的車時，他正在用阿拉伯語講電話，只是我沒看到任何設備，所以我以為他在用我不認識的音節跟我說話。

And I thought, so, this is what a stroke is like.

我想，原來中風是這樣的。

People become clumsy in old age.

人老了就會變得笨拙。

Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?

有人把手機掉進過廁所嗎？

There you go.

這就對了。

I did, and after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.

我照做了，做完之後，我把手機放進了一袋大米里。

Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?

有人把一袋大米掉進過廁所嗎？

I took a quiz on Facebook called,

我在 Facebook 上做了一個測驗，題目叫

I was a spirit animal.

我是一隻靈獸。

I got extinct.

我滅絕了

I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, we'll see you in 10 years, and I thought, but fuck you will.

我做了結腸鏡檢查，檢查結束後，他們說，我們 10 年後再見，我心想，去你媽的。

I tried using that face aging app.

我試過用那個面部衰老軟件。

They said, nah, you're good.

他們說，不，你很好。

I'm a gamer. Do we have any gamers?

我是一個遊戲玩家。我們有玩家嗎？

What's your game?

你在玩什麼遊戲？

I'm sorry?

你說什麼？

Rocket League.

火箭聯盟

Tic-tac-toe.

井字遊戲

Sometimes till 7 o'clock at night.

有時直到晚上 7 點鐘。

Walking can be difficult for me at times.

走路有時對我來說很困難。

I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.

我確實擔心絆倒和摔跤，所以我戴著頭盔。

I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

我還擔心自己看起來很滑稽，所以我帶了一塊滑板。

I used to smoke cigarettes.

我曾經抽過煙。

I was a heavy smoker.

我煙癮很大。

I would even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course, so I quit jogging.

我甚至會在慢跑的時候抽菸，這當然很愚蠢，所以我放棄了慢跑。

I love smoking cigarettes.

我喜歡抽菸。

I'd smoke after sex.

做愛後我會抽菸。

I'd smoke during sex.

我會在做愛時抽菸。

Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.

有時，我會不做愛，只抽菸。

I'm officially an old man.

我正式成為一個老人了。

I give unwanted advice to total strangers.

我給完全陌生的人提供不需要的建議。

I told a kid to pull his pants up.

我讓一個孩子把褲子提起來。

His underwear was showing.

他的內褲露了出來。

He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him.

他嘲笑我，想給我一個楔子，但玩笑開在他身上。

I was wearing the pins.

我戴著別針。

I got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.

我收到了一份預付費火葬的宣傳冊。

No, no, it's a great deal.

不，不，這是一筆大買賣。

If you die in a fire, you get half your money back.

如果你死於火災，你可以拿回一半的錢。

Thinking of getting a tattoo?

想紋身嗎？

I'm just not sure what kind I want to get yet.

我只是還不確定要買哪種。

I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a skull, my home address.

我想可能是鐵絲網、骷髏頭和我家的地址。

It's tough getting older.

年紀大了很不容易。

Went into an antique store.

走進一家古董店。

They wouldn't let me leave.

他們不讓我離開。

Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.

抬起頭，看到了那道光，便開始朝它走去。

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.

我問 Siri 關於我壽命的問題，她卻轉移了話題。

There's some advantages to being my age.

我這個年紀也有一些優勢。

Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.

經常有人站起來給我讓座，這在公車上很好，但在男廁所裡就有點嚇人了。

I'm from Houston, Texas, and I can now ride the city buses in Houston for free, which is great news for the women of Houston.

我來自德克薩斯州的休斯頓，現在我可以免費乘坐休斯頓的城市公車，這對休斯頓的女性來說是個好消息。

I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

我可以在四個半小時內到達任何地方。

I went to the doctor because I thought.

我去看醫生是因為我想

I thought I had arthritis.

我還以為自己得了關節炎。

I don't.

我沒有。

I have early-onset rigor mortis.

我得了早發性屍僵。

A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the Adopt-a-Grandparent program.

一位朋友問我是否願意參加 "領養祖父母 "計劃。

I said, sure.

我說，當然。

Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.

現在我手上有一個 95 歲的老人。

I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.

我很想當爺爺，但我連孩子都沒有。

I need to get busy.

我得忙起來了。

Ladies, if you're ever in Houston,

女士們 如果你們在休斯頓

I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

我可以在四個半小時內到達任何地方。

Every time I leave my apartment,

每次我離開公寓

I have to go back because I forgot something.

我得回去，因為我忘了點東西。

Tonight I reached for my wallet, and wouldn't you know it, I'd forgotten my pants.

今晚，我伸手去拿錢包，不料卻忘了帶褲子。

I found this new technique, which has improved my memory.

我發現了這個新技巧，它改善了我的記憶力。

I've quit listening to people, so I have less crap to remember.

我已經不聽別人的話了，所以也就沒那麼多廢話要記了。

I am a recovering alcoholic.

我正在戒酒。

I have 36 years sobriety.

我已經戒酒 36 年了。

Well, thank you.

謝謝。

There were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.

過去有很多一夜情。

Here's how it would go.

事情是這樣的

I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave.

我會喝醉，遇到一個女人，回到我的住處，做愛，給自己叫一輛計程車，然後離開。

Remember it was my place?

還記得那是我的地盤嗎？

One night that lady asked me to spank her.

一天晚上，那位女士讓我打她的屁股。

I asked her why.

我問她為什麼。

She said I'm into discipline.

她說我喜歡紀律。

So instead of spanking her,

所以與其打她屁股

I made her go stand in the corner.

我讓她站在角落裡。

That was a difficult relationship.

那是一段艱難的關係。

She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.

她有多重人格，而我又不擅長記名字。

In college I wrote a paper entitled

大學時，我寫過一篇題為

The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from Colonial Times to early this morning.

從殖民時代到今天清晨的美國公眾酗酒史》。

I flunked out of college twice.

我曾兩次從大學退學。

First time because I was a drunk.

第一次是因為我喝醉了。

Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.

第二次我很清醒，但那玩意兒很硬。

I loved drinking during the holidays.

我喜歡在節日期間喝酒。

I'd get drunk and go trick-or-treating.

我會喝醉，然後去 "不給糖就搗蛋"。

Every holiday I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating.

每逢節假日，我都會喝得酩酊大醉，然後去 "不給糖就搗蛋"。

I loved drinking before a show.

我喜歡在演出前喝酒。

Not my show, Good Morning America.

不是我的節目，是 "早安美國"。

I got arrested once for drunk driving.

我曾因酒後駕車被捕過一次。

Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.

我不僅喝醉了，還吸了大麻。

When I took the breathalyzer test,

當我接受酒精測試時

I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.

我吸了口氣，想把它遞給警察。

YOLO.

YOLO.

So I was arrested, pled guilty.

於是我被捕了，認罪了。

For my community service, I left the community.

為了社區服務，我離開了社區。

My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting did not go well.

我第一次參加匿名戒酒會並不順利。

I mean, it's anonymous, right?

我的意思是，這是匿名的，對嗎？

I wore a ski mask.

我戴著滑雪面罩。

I am 74 years old.

我今年 74 歲。

Life expectancy for men is 76 years.

男性的預期壽命為 76 歲。

Life expectancy for women is 81 years.

婦女的預期壽命為 81 歲。

I figure if I transition...

我想如果我轉型...

I just paid off my student loan.

我剛剛還清了助學貸款。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝。