This video is very much for me as it is for you because my brain loves to think the same negative thoughts but each time they rise up, I whack it with a reminder.

這段視頻很適合我，也很適合你，因為我的大腦很喜歡想同樣的負面想法，但每次這些想法出現時，我都會用提醒的方式捶打它。

So that's what this video is gonna be about.

這就是本視頻的主題。

I want to really break down the difference between states versus traits.

我想真正分析一下狀態與特質之間的區別。

A couple of months ago, I was having a pretty lousy day and my patience was running really thin.

幾個月前，我度過了非常糟糕的一天，我的耐心變得非常薄弱。

My toddler was inconsolable.

我的孩子哭鬧不止。

Nothing I did would make him stop crying.

我做什麼都無法讓他停止哭泣。

I just felt this immense guilt, like ah, I'm such a terrible mother.

我感到無比內疚，覺得自己真是個糟糕的母親。

And so I scribbled that into my journal and then I had a therapy session and she essentially told me that I am not a bad mother.

於是我把這些都寫進了日記，然後我接受了一次治療，她基本上告訴我，我不是一個壞媽媽。

I'm a mother that's having a lousy day.

我是一位母親，今天過得很糟糕。

Whenever I'm feeling a big emotion, particularly a negative one, I have this tendency to cling onto that temporary state as a permanent trait that's embedded into me.

每當我感受到一種強烈的情緒，尤其是負面情緒時，我就會把這種暫時的狀態當成一種永久的特質，緊緊抓住不放。

So states are fleeting emotions that we feel.

是以，狀態是我們感受到的稍縱即逝的情緒。

This can range from anger, resentment, envy, even joy and awe.

這可能包括憤怒、怨恨、嫉妒，甚至是喜悅和敬畏。

All these emotions, they pass.

所有這些情緒都會過去。

Our traits, however, are things that we will always be.

然而，我們的特質是我們永遠的特質。

Like I will always be a human.

就像我永遠是個人類一樣。

I'll always be a daughter.

我永遠是女兒

I'll always be a mother.

我永遠是個母親

This was a clear like aha moment for me because having a clear distinction between these states versus traits allowed me to have more space between temporary things that I was feeling and my identity.

這對我來說是一個清晰的 "啊哈 "時刻，因為明確區分了這些狀態和特質，讓我在暫時的感受和我的身份之間有了更多的空間。

And the way we speak to ourselves is so important.

我們對自己說話的方式非常重要。

I have to be very careful on what I choose to identify myself as because that's the behavior that I'll end up continually doing in the future.

我必須非常小心地選擇自己的身份，因為這是我將來會不斷做出的行為。

So if I say that I'm a bad mother, if I say that I'm a friend, then I will continue to put myself in situations where I make that my reality.

所以，如果我說我是一個不稱職的母親，如果我說我是一個不稱職的朋友，那麼我就會繼續把自己置於這樣的環境中，使之成為我的現實。

And this mental exercise can be applied to anything.

這種心理練習適用於任何事情。

Instead of saying, God, I'm so lazy, I can't do anything right, you can reframe it to I'm a human being trying their best.

與其說 "上帝啊，我太懶了，我什麼都做不好"，你可以把它改成 "我是一個盡力的人"。

I made a mistake, but I am the master of my emotions and I will try again.

我犯了一個錯誤，但我是情緒的主人，我會再試一次。

It just softens everything and it makes you less critical about yourself.

它能軟化一切，讓你對自己不那麼挑剔。

And it also preserves the pureness of your identity.

它還能保持你身份的純潔性。

And on the topic of therapy, I wanna thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video.

關於治療，我要感謝 BetterHelp 贊助本視頻。

So BetterHelp is a service that makes starting therapy so much easier and much less intimidating.

是以，BetterHelp 是一項讓開始治療變得更容易、更輕鬆的服務。

There is a lot of flexibility and agency in this because you can schedule sessions at the comfort of your own home.

這其中有很大的靈活性和代理權，因為您可以在自己家中舒適地安排課程。

And then you could also decide what medium you feel most comfortable with.

然後，你還可以決定自己最喜歡哪種媒介。

That could be a phone call, a video call, or even messaging.

這可以是電話、視頻通話，甚至是資訊。

Getting started is super simple.

入門超級簡單。

Just click my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen.

只需點擊我的鏈接，betterhelp.com slash Jen。

This will lead you to a questionnaire and you answer questions on what challenges you may be going through.

這將引導您進入一個調查問卷，您需要回答有關您可能遇到的挑戰的問題。

You select what type of therapist that you want, and then BetterHelp will match you with a therapist in most cases within 48 hours.

您選擇需要的治療師類型，然後 BetterHelp 會在大多數情況下在 48 小時內為您匹配治療師。

You schedule a session and then boom, you have started your therapy journey.

你安排了一次治療，然後 "砰 "的一聲，你就開始了治療之旅。

They've got a massive network of over 30,000 therapists based on your needs, preferences, and location.

他們擁有一個由 30,000 多名治療師組成的龐大網絡，可根據您的需求、偏好和地點提供服務。

They just have like a wider range of expertise compared to what may be available in your city.

與您所在的城市相比，他們擁有更廣泛的專業知識。

Let's say you and your therapist aren't really vibing.

比方說，你和你的治療師並不融洽。

Switching therapists is super simple.

更換治療師非常簡單。

You just go on your settings, click a button, and they will change your therapist at no additional cost.

您只需在設置中點擊一個按鈕，他們就會免費為您更換治療師。

So if you guys are interested in therapy, you can join over 4 million people who have used BetterHelp to start living a healthier, happier life.

是以，如果你們對治療感興趣，就可以加入已經使用 BetterHelp 的 400 多萬人的行列，開始更健康、更快樂的生活。

You can go to my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen.

您可以訪問我的鏈接：betterhelp.com slash Jen。

That's BetterH-E-L-P.

這是 BetterH-E-L-P。

I will also leave that in the description box.

我也會把這一點留在描述框中。

You can get 10% off your first month, and you can start your therapy journey today.

您可以享受首月 10% 的折扣，現在就開始您的治療之旅。

One overarching assumption that I continue to have in my life is to assume that everyone is trying their best.

在我的生活中，有一個最重要的假設，就是認為每個人都在盡力而為。

Now, is this an objective truth?

這是客觀事實嗎？

Probably not.

可能不會。

But when I continue to make this assumption in my life, it helps me function better, especially when I face challenging interpersonal situations.

但是，當我在生活中不斷做出這樣的假設時，它能幫助我更好地發揮作用，尤其是當我面對具有挑戰性的人際關係時。

Let's say I go to a store and the clerk is rude to me.

比方說，我去一家商店，店員對我很粗魯。

Like a quick reaction would be like, oh my God, like what's this person's deal?

人們的快速反應會是 "天啊，這人是怎麼回事？

Why did they have such an attitude?

他們為什麼會有這種態度？

And if I hold onto this anger, then it ends up just bleeding into the rest of my day.

如果我耿耿於懷，那麼它最終就會影響我一天的生活。

I overthink.

我想太多了。

Holding onto that anger only ends up hurting me in the end.

耿耿於懷最終只會傷害自己。

It creates a story in my head that that person is a villain and I'm the victim.

這會在我腦海中編造一個故事，說那個人是惡棍，而我是受害者。

And God, that cloak of victimhood can feel really good.

天哪，披上受害者的外衣感覺真的很好。

It's heavy, it's familiar, and it passes the blame onto somebody else.

它沉重，它熟悉，它把責任推給別人。

But when I assume that that person was trying their best at that given moment, it immediately releases that tension and heaviness, and it turns it into forgiveness and lightness.

但是，當我認為那個人在那一刻已經盡了最大努力時，就會立即釋放出緊張和沉重感，並將其轉化為寬容和輕鬆。

There are so many reasons why people behave the way they do.

人們的行為方式有很多原因。

Maybe the clerk was rude to me because they live with chronic pain.

也許店員對我無禮是因為他們患有慢性疼痛。

Maybe they got into a fight earlier.

也許他們之前打了一架。

Maybe they just hate their job.

也許他們只是討厭自己的工作。

And yeah, best behavior looks different on different people, different days.

是的，最佳表現在不同的人和不同的日子裡看起來是不一樣的。

But when I make this assumption about everyone trying their best, it puts me more at ease and allows me to move on from things that trigger me.

但是，當我假設每個人都在盡力而為時，我就會更安心，也能從那些觸發我的事情中走出來。

So my next lesson is all about hitting the pause button.

所以，我的下一課就是關於 "按下暫停鍵"。

This is essentially to try to remember to take a beat before reacting to things.

這主要是為了儘量記住，在對事情做出反應之前，先靜下心來。

Now, this is very challenging because we are faced with hundreds of cause and effect situations.

現在，這非常具有挑戰性，因為我們面臨著數以百計的因果關係。

And a lot of the times, it's like an automatic response.

很多時候，這就像是一種自動反應。

If we touch something hot, then we let it go because we don't wanna get burned.

如果我們碰了熱的東西，我們就會放手，因為我們不想被燙傷。

Now, this is an example where we're rewarded by our automatic response.

現在，這是一個我們通過自動反應獲得回報的例子。

But the thing is, our brain just likes to apply that same system everywhere.

但問題是，我們的大腦就是喜歡把同樣的系統應用到所有地方。

So if someone cuts in front of us on the highway, we honk.

是以，如果有人在高速公路上從我們面前駛過，我們就會按喇叭。

If you receive a snarky comment, we quit back with an aggressive response.

如果您收到尖酸刻薄的評論，我們會積極回擊。

Every time I delay my reaction to things, it gives me the space to tap into that higher, more evolved version of myself.

每當我延遲對事物的反應時，就會給我一個空間，讓我去挖掘那個更高、更進化的自己。

And I can ask myself the questions of, wait, how do I actually wanna respond to this?

我可以問自己這樣的問題：等等，我究竟該如何應對？

Or do I even need to react to this at all?

或者說，我是否需要對此做出任何反應？

It's honestly pretty rare for things to require an urgent response.

老實說，需要緊急迴應的事情很少見。

In most cases, you can afford a one to two minute delay of reflection and really think about how you want to respond to it.

在大多數情況下，你可以有一到兩分鐘的思考延遲時間，並認真考慮如何應對。

Questions like, why would this person be behaving this way?

為什麼這個人會有這種行為？

Is this something that I need to resolve right now?

這是我現在需要解決的問題嗎？

Is this a life or death situation?

這是生死攸關的時刻嗎？

And usually walking through and answering these questions puts me in a better, more calm state.

通常，通過思考和回答這些問題，我的狀態會變得更好、更平靜。

I always try to give the situation and the person the benefit of the doubt.

我總是試著對情況和人抱有懷疑的態度。

I just assume that they're trying their best.

我只是認為他們已經盡力了。

There comes a time in everyone's adulthood when you have that chilling realization that you are responsible for yourself.

每個人在成年後都會有這樣一個時刻，你會不寒而慄地意識到，你要為自己負責。

And that includes all the emotions that you feel.

這包括你感受到的所有情緒。

So whenever I'm feeling down or dysregulated, I repeat this mantra to myself.

是以，每當我情緒低落或失調時，我都會對自己重複這句咒語。

I have a choice to make myself feel better.

我可以選擇讓自己感覺好一些。

And when I say this, it gives me a sense of control.

當我這樣說的時候，我有一種控制感。

Like, hey, I got this.

比如，嘿，我來搞定。

I'm gonna make myself feel better.

我要讓自己好受點

I got you.

我抓住你了

So in those moments where I may be feeling anxious or I don't know, this like level of despair humming in the background, first I do like a physiological check-in.

是以，在我感到焦慮或我也不知道，這種絕望的情緒在背景中嗡嗡作響的時候，我首先會做一個生理檢查。

Am I thirsty?

我口渴嗎？

Am I hungry?

我餓了嗎？

Am I tired?

我累了嗎？

Did I have too much caffeine?

我是不是喝了太多的咖啡因？

I feel like we just don't give our bodies enough credit.

我覺得我們對自己的身體不夠重視。

Like our bodies are highly intelligent and they're constantly communicating to us, but it's really our choice to decide to lean in, listen to it and give it what it needs.

就像我們的身體是高度智能的，它們在不斷地與我們交流，但真正決定是否傾聽、傾聽它並給予它所需要的，是我們自己的選擇。

And honestly, after I do this physical check-in, it's usually one of those factors.

老實說，在我進行身體檢查之後，這通常就是其中的一個因素。

Usually 30 to 40% of the time, my mood can be enhanced by checking in on one of these physical things that my body was needing.

通常有 30% 到 40% 的時間，我的心情可以通過檢查我身體所需要的其中一種物質而得到改善。

Let's say I'm still feeling like I'm in a slump.

比方說，我仍然覺得自己處於谷底。

That's when I look to my self-soothing checklist.

這時，我就會看看我的自我安慰清單。

Now this is a list of activities that I've written down that I know will make me feel better that require no calm down, and I will never regret doing.

現在，這是我寫下的一份活動清單，我知道這些活動會讓我感覺更好，不需要冷靜下來，而且我永遠不會後悔做了這些活動。

I actually have this list saved onto my notes because when I'm feeling down, the last thing I wanna do is like conjure ideas on what will make me feel better.

事實上，我把這份清單保存在筆記裡，因為當我情緒低落時，我最不想做的事情就是想出一些能讓我感覺好起來的點子。

So just having this physical checklist on my phone and running through at least one or two of the tasks, it makes me feel a little bit better and it creates a momentum so I can make, again, like pull myself out of this like lake of despair.

是以，只要在我的手機上有這個實體清單，並至少完成其中的一兩項任務，就會讓我感覺好一點，併產生一種動力，這樣我就能再次把自己從絕望的湖泊中拉出來。

I think the real beauty of doing these things is that it allows that temporary state that you're feeling to pass so that you can fully release it and move on.

我認為，做這些事情的真正好處在於，它能讓你感受到的暫時狀態過去，這樣你就能完全釋放它，繼續前進。

These days, I have been reprogramming what productivity means to me and what also being lazy is.

這些天來，我一直在重新規劃生產力對我的意義，以及懶惰對我的意義。

We live in a capitalist society, for better, for worse, where productivity is prized above all else and anything that interferes with being productive is looked down upon.

我們生活在一個資本主義社會，無論好壞，在這個社會里，生產力高於一切，任何影響生產力的東西都會被看不起。

And I feel like sometimes it can make relaxing really difficult because you feel guilty.

我覺得有時候放鬆真的很困難，因為你會感到內疚。

For a long time, I thought academic reading was more virtuous than reading a smut novel.

很長一段時間，我認為學術閱讀比閱讀色情小說更有道德。

Honestly, I just had to rethink what being lazy actually meant and just the importance of what doing nothing does for me because I noticed that I end up being more creative and have more of a zest for life once I've released and I went dancing or I had a lovely dinner with my friends or I went to a music festival.

老實說，我不得不重新思考 "懶惰 "的真正含義，以及什麼都不做對我的重要性，因為我注意到，一旦我放鬆下來，我就會變得更有創造力，對生活更有熱情，我會去跳舞，與朋友共進晚餐，或者去參加音樂節。

And it's also a great way to find inspiration when I'm purposely under-stimulating myself with work.

當我在工作中故意不給自己太多刺激時，這也是一種尋找靈感的好方法。

I feel like it's quite similar to when your laptop gets overheated.

我覺得這和筆記本電腦過熱時的情況很相似。

You unplug it, let it rest for a couple minutes, and then it performs efficiently again.

拔下電源插頭，讓它休息幾分鐘，它就能再次高效運轉。

So my next lesson is to stop romanticizing that something will fix me.

所以，我的下一課就是不要再浪漫地認為有什麼東西能治好我。

Let me explain.

讓我來解釋一下。

In my mid to late 20s, I got into my big self-development phase.

20 歲中後期，我進入了自我發展的重要階段。

I was reading so much material, absorbing all these seminars on how I can improve myself and my mentality.

我讀了很多資料，吸收了所有關於如何提高自己和改善心態的講座。

The thing is I'm a natural problem solver and things got very interesting when I began troubleshooting all the things that were wrong with me.

問題是，我天生就是一個問題解決者，當我開始排查我身上的所有問題時，事情變得非常有趣。

I wanted to work on my temper, my self-esteem, learn how to be a better storyteller, a better speaker.

我想鍛鍊自己的脾氣和自尊，學習如何更好地講故事，如何更好地演講。

I wouldn't say it was an addiction, but it was this endless need for me to constantly be improving myself.

我不會說這是一種癮，但這是我不斷完善自己的無盡需求。

And when I boil it down, it came from this need to be perfect.

歸根結底，這源於我對完美的追求。

So there was an instance last year where I was applying to do this MDMA assisted therapy session and after a couple of rounds of interviews, my application was rejected.

去年有一次，我申請參加搖頭丸輔助治療課程，經過幾輪面試後，我的申請被拒絕了。

And I remember just being so upset.

我記得當時非常難過。

God, I really needed this.

天哪，我真的需要這個。

Why didn't they accept me?

他們為什麼不接受我？

But then I paused and I reflected.

但我停頓了一下，反思了一下。

Why am I putting so much weight on this one activity?

我為什麼對這一項活動如此重視？

I realized that I was romanticizing a solution.

我意識到，我把解決方案浪漫化了。

I thought that once I did this, then I would shed my traumas.

我想，一旦我這樣做了，我就會擺脫我的創傷。

I would release any doubts that I had and then I would be healed.

我會釋放我心中的疑慮，然後我就會得到治癒。

I would be cured.

我會痊癒的。

But life is not like that.

但生活並非如此。

That's like a plain lie.

這簡直就是謊言。

There's no amount of books I can read or great seminars that I can listen to, even like experimental therapy that's gonna make me feel whole immediately.

我讀再多的書，聽再多的講座，甚至是實驗性的治療，都無法讓我立刻感到自己是完整的。

Change is incremental.

變化是漸進的。

I'm learning that the more I can accept the version as I am right now, the way I'm showing up right now is the key to self-love and for me to just be more relaxed in the skin that I'm in.

我正在學習，我越能接受我現在的樣子，我現在表現出來的方式，就是自愛的關鍵，也是讓我在現在的狀態下更加放鬆的關鍵。

I do wanna preface that this isn't gonna stop me from taking those classes and to continue to put myself outside my comfort zone, but it's just less of an urgency and this expectation that I need to be fixed.

我想說的是，這並不會阻止我去上那些課，也不會阻止我繼續把自己放在舒適區之外，只是我的緊迫感和 "我需要被修復 "的期望少了一些。

As you get older, it's rarely the case that there are right or wrong decisions at a crossroads.

隨著年齡的增長，在十字路口做出的決定很少有對錯之分。

There are choices that you make and then you make the best of them.

你要做出選擇，然後做出最好的選擇。

This was beautifully said by Bobby Hundreds and when I read it, it hit because there are so many big decisions that we make in our lives where we put so much weight and pressure on it, being like, is this the right thing?

Bobby Hundreds 的這段話說得非常好，當我讀到這段話時，我深受觸動，因為我們在生活中做出的許多重大決定都會給我們帶來巨大的壓力，比如，這樣做對嗎？

If I don't do this, will this fuck up my life forever?

如果我不這樣做，我的生活會永遠被它毀掉嗎？

But in reality, all these decisions are pretty neutral and the hardest part about a decision is just making one.

但實際上，所有這些決定都是非常中性的，最難的就是做出決定。

When you're younger, you're really doing the work, training yourself to get instincts so you can move through the world, but at a certain point of your adulthood, you just have to trust yourself that you are making the best decision at that given moment.

當你年輕的時候，你確實在努力工作，訓練自己的直覺，以便在這個世界上游刃有餘，但到了成年的某一時刻，你就必須相信自己，相信自己在那一刻做出了最好的決定。

Not everything needs to have this deep meaning or this narrative.

並非每件事都需要有如此深刻的含義或敘述。

If anything, all that stuff can only happen in hindsight.

如果說有什麼不妥，那也只能是事後諸葛亮了。

You can never really do that in the present.

在當下，你永遠無法真正做到這一點。

Also, this pressure of making the right choice really comes from our need for certainty.

另外，這種做出正確選擇的壓力實際上來自於我們對確定性的需求。

We wanna know what's gonna happen.

我們想知道會發生什麼

We want a guaranteed future, but in the end, certainty is a lie.

我們想要一個有保障的未來，但歸根結底，確定性只是一個謊言。

Nothing is guaranteed.

沒有什麼是可以保證的。

And so what helps calm my anxiety about wanting to know what's gonna happen is to just welcome the mystery.

是以，平息我想知道未來會發生什麼的焦慮，就是迎接神祕的到來。

Maintaining the mystery in my life helps romanticize the uncertainty of it all.

在我的生活中保持神祕感有助於浪漫化這一切的不確定性。

I don't know, when I say it's mysterious, it makes it a little exciting, it makes it sexy.

我不知道，當我說它神祕時，它讓人有點興奮，讓人覺得性感。

I mean, it's boring when you know exactly what's gonna happen, so you might as well just surrender and let whatever's gonna happen happen.

我的意思是，當你知道將要發生什麼的時候，就會覺得很無聊，所以你還不如投降，讓任何事情發生。

So many of these realizations happened to me during therapy, so if you guys are interested in starting your therapy journey today, you can visit my link in the description box or visit betterhelp.com slash Jen.

我在治療過程中領悟到了很多這些道理，所以如果你們有興趣今天就開始治療之旅，可以訪問我在描述框中的鏈接，或者訪問 betterhelp.com slash Jen。

Clicking that link helps support the channel, and it also gets you 10% off your first month using BetterHelp.

點擊該鏈接有助於支持該頻道，同時還能在使用 BetterHelp 的第一個月獲得 10% 的折扣。

You can join over four million people who have used BetterHelp today to live a deeper, more introspective life.

今天，您可以加入使用 BetterHelp 的四百多萬人的行列，過上更深刻、更自省的生活。

I wanna thank you guys so much for watching, and I'll see you guys in my next one.

非常感謝你們的收看，下期節目再見。

Bye.

再見。