I have tried to film this video for months, but I just like wasn't in the right emotional state to share anything about my life because there's been a lot of change.

幾個月來，我一直想拍攝這段視頻，但我的情緒狀態不適合分享我的生活，因為我的生活發生了很多變化。

I think the big and obvious one is that Ben and I broke up.

我認為最重要也是最明顯的一點是，本和我分手了。

It feels really weird to say that out loud.

大聲說出這句話的感覺真的很奇怪。

After being online for, I don't even know how many years, like 13 years, I have some pretty bright lines of what I like to share about my life and what I don't, and usually my rule of thumb is I don't talk about anything online unless I have 100% have healed from it.

我上網已經不知道有多少年了，大概有 13 年了吧，我對自己的生活有了很明確的界限，什麼是我喜歡分享的，什麼是我不喜歡分享的，通常我的經驗法則是，除非我已經 100% 從這件事中痊癒，否則我不會在網上談論任何事情。

But this situation is different because I am like still like actively going through it and I feel like I will for some time.

但這次的情況不同，因為我還在積極地經歷它，而且我覺得我還會經歷一段時間。

I gotta say I'm in like a much better place now.

我得說，我現在的心情好多了。

But it's still like, it still makes me really emotional talking about it.

但說起這件事，我還是很激動。

The decision to break up was a loving one.

分手是一個充滿愛的決定。

Like I was with Ben for, it would have been 10 years, this year.

就像我和本在一起，到今年已經有 10 年了。

And there's like still so much love for him.

對他的愛還在繼續

There always will be.

總會有的。

He's like, he's family.

他就像家人一樣

He's the father of our son.

他是我們兒子的父親

We've shared like so many pivotal life moments together, you know?

我們一起經歷了太多人生關鍵時刻，你知道嗎？

And I think instead of just like wallowing in the fact that it's over, I'm choosing to like celebrate that we got to experience it.

我覺得與其沉浸在結束的喜悅中，不如選擇慶祝我們的經歷。

This break up is unlike any other one I've ever been through because even though we are separated, I still see him every day because we show up for our son.

這次分手與我經歷過的任何一次都不一樣，因為即使我們分開了，我還是每天都能見到他，因為我們都是為了我們的兒子。

And we're on the same team and we're always gonna have each other's backs.

我們是一個團隊的，我們會永遠支持彼此。

Like there's no sides to choose because we're one unified force together.

就像沒有什麼陣營可選，因為我們是團結在一起的力量。

I'm really proud of us because we have established a really good rhythm with co-parenting.

我真的為我們感到驕傲，因為我們在共同育兒方面已經建立了非常好的節奏。

We have a schedule.

我們有時間表。

But honestly, in the end, our relationship will always be the chunk of our family.

但老實說，歸根結底，我們的關係永遠是我們家庭的主心骨。

And our priority will always be our son.

我們的首要任務永遠是我們的兒子。

And so maintaining a level of love and mutual respect is just like it will always be up there.

是以，保持一定程度的愛和相互尊重就像永遠在那裡一樣。

This chapter in my life has been disorienting.

我生命中的這一篇章令人迷失方向。

I feel like that's like the best word to describe it.

我覺得這就是最好的形容詞。

I have like two dominant moods.

我有兩種主要情緒。

When I'm feeling good, I literally feel like I'm floating.

當我感覺良好時，我真的感覺自己在漂浮。

Floating to new territories, new waters.

漂向新的領地、新的水域。

It's exhilarating because everything feels so novel.

這讓人興奮不已，因為一切都感覺如此新奇。

But then on the flip side, when I'm feeling down, it feels like I am just free falling out of a plane with no parachute on my back.

但反過來說，當我情緒低落時，感覺就像從飛機上自由落體，背上沒有降落傘。

And I think the thing that really anchors me is my son.

我覺得真正支撐我的是我的兒子。

Like he really grounds me.

就像他真的讓我感到踏實一樣。

One of my favorite things that we do together is blowing bubbles after dinner time.

我最喜歡一起做的事情之一就是在晚飯後吹泡泡。

We have made it a daily ritual.

我們已經把它當作一種日常儀式。

This is an activity that I know that we can just get lost in.

我知道，這是一項我們可以沉醉其中的活動。

Blowing bubbles is actually quite meditative.

吹泡泡其實很能讓人沉思。

Like when I am blowing the bubbles, I am there.

就像我吹泡泡的時候，我就在那裡。

I am in the flow with him.

我和他在一起，就像流水一樣。

And I feel like the bubbles are symbolic with the emotions that I'm feeling, even my thoughts.

我覺得氣泡象徵著我的情緒，甚至我的想法。

Because I never know what thoughts will bubble and float into my mind.

因為我永遠不知道會有什麼想法冒出來，飄進我的腦海。

Each one is always a different shape, a different mood.

每一幅作品都有不同的形狀、不同的意境。

And no matter how large or small or intricate the bubble, in the end, they always pop.

無論保麗龍有多大，有多小，有多錯綜複雜，最終，它們總會破滅。

They disappear.

它們消失了。

So Lennon is almost three years old.

列儂已經快三歲了。

And when I look at him, I feel so much.

看著他，我感觸良多。

Like so much emotions.

就像那麼多的情緒。

Like I sob a lot.

就像我經常啜泣一樣。

And they're happy tears.

那是幸福的淚水

They're sad tears.

那是傷心的眼淚。

And I think, you know, to any average person, he might just look like a curious, lively toddler.

我想，你知道，對任何一個普通人來說，他可能只是一個好奇、活潑的蹣跚學步的孩子。

But when I see him, he encapsulates all these different time frames.

但當我看到他時，他囊括了所有這些不同的時間框架。

I can't change anything that happened in the past.

我無法改變過去發生的任何事情。

And I'm kind of helpless with what's going to happen in the future or what's not going to happen.

對於未來會發生什麼或不會發生什麼，我有點束手無策。

But like what I can do in that present moment is give him my full undivided attention and just relish in it.

但是，在那一刻，我能做的就是全神貫注地關注他，並樂在其中。

I am still trying to find a good balance of sharing that I'm a mom, but also protecting my son's privacy.

我仍在努力尋找一個很好的平衡點，既要分享我是一個母親，又要保護我兒子的隱私。

It's like a thin line, you know?

這就像一條細線，你知道嗎？

Like he is a central part of my life.

就像他是我生命的核心部分。

But I don't feel comfortable sharing too much of his stuff.

但我不太願意分享太多他的東西。

Like I'm trying to like reduce his digital footprint.

就像我試圖減少他的數字足跡一樣。

Then I just end up not sharing him at all for a period of time.

然後，我就在一段時間內完全不分享他。

And then I start getting these like comments that I am a bad mother or like, where's your kid?

然後我就開始收到一些評論，說我是個不稱職的母親，或者 "你的孩子呢？

Jen hates being a mom, which could not be further from the truth.

珍討厭當媽媽，這與事實大相徑庭。

It's like kind of crazy that I actually even have to address this.

我居然要討論這個問題，真是有點瘋狂。

Anyone in my life knows how much I participate and show up in my son's life.

在我的生活中，任何人都知道我是如何參與和出現在我兒子的生活中的。

And oh my gosh, like I actually feel myself getting a little defensive.

天哪，我都覺得自己有點防衛過當了。

What the heck, Jen?

搞什麼鬼，珍？

No, I honestly think it's because, you know, being online for so long, you're used to getting a barrage of like negative comments.

不，老實說，我覺得這是因為，你知道，在網上呆久了，你已經習慣了收到大量的負面評論。

But like once you get a negative comment enough, you just become numb to it.

但就像一旦你收到足夠多的負面評論，你就會變得麻木不仁。

But this like being under fire for being a bad parent is just new for me.

但是，這種被指責為 "不稱職的父母 "的情況對我來說還是第一次遇到。

So I think I'm just getting used to it.

所以，我想我已經習慣了。

But yeah, I just wanted to make it clear that I love being his mom.

不過，我只是想說清楚，我喜歡當他的媽媽。

I love being a mom.

我喜歡當媽媽。

It's an extremely important role and job.

這是一項極其重要的角色和工作。

Like it is my number one job.

就像這是我的頭號工作一樣。

Like I want to make sure that I'm trying my best and that's all I can do.

就像我想確保自己盡了最大努力，這就是我能做的。

Like if anything, I'm just trying to navigate what I choose to share about my son's life and like what to keep private.

如果有的話，我只是在嘗試如何選擇分享我兒子的生活，以及如何保留隱私。

When I was in my 20s, I had no issue with recording all parts of my life.

在我 20 多歲的時候，我毫不猶豫地記錄了生活的方方面面。

Anything was fair game.

任何事情都是公平的。

But I'm realizing maybe it was because life was a lot more simpler back then.

但我意識到，也許是因為那時的生活更簡單。

I was just hanging out, getting dolled up to go to an event or whatever.

我只是在閒逛，打扮得漂漂亮亮的去參加活動什麼的。

But you know, as you get older, life becomes a little bit more complex and layered.

但你知道，隨著年齡的增長，生活會變得更加複雜和多層次。

And some things are just impossible to package in a simple, cheery, positive way.

有些事情就是無法用簡單、愉快、積極的方式來包裝。

And sometimes it's just best to keep things offline, even the euphoric moments.

有時，最好的辦法就是保持離線狀態，即使是興奮的時刻。

That way you can just like actually really, really enjoy it.

這樣你就能真正地享受它了。

I am single now, which is kind of crazy.

我現在單身，這有點瘋狂。

I think the simplest way to put it is I am adjusting to this.

我想最簡單的說法就是，我正在適應這一切。

Because when you're in a long-term relationship, it's so easy to slip into the grooves of monogamy.

因為當你處於長期關係中時，很容易陷入一夫一妻制的怪圈。

Like a lot of your choice is dependent on, you know, your partner.

你的選擇很大程度上取決於你的伴侶。

Not because it's like a control issue, but it's just, you know, you're just like, you like automatically know who your plus one, like who you're taking to the party, what your weekend plans are.

這不是因為控制問題，只是，你知道，你會自動知道你的另一半是誰，你會帶誰去派對，你的週末計劃是什麼。

Because if you have a kid, those weekends are definitely, you gotta like pack in some date night because you just need some time as a couple.

因為如果你有一個孩子，那些週末肯定要安排一些約會之夜，因為你們需要一些夫妻相處的時間。

It just feels like weird and empty at times.

只是有時感覺怪怪的，很空虛。

But I'm like trying to like romanticize it.

但我想把它浪漫化。

I'm in this fresh territory where the decisions that I make are ones that only require my own input.

在這個全新的領域，我所做的決定只需要我自己的投入。

And now when I have my alone time, I'm really alone.

現在，當我有獨處的時間時，我真的很孤獨。

Like alone, bolded.

單獨喜歡，加粗。

I am just searching for a new version of me.

我只是在尋找一個新的自己。

And I'm like slowly discovering this on my healing journey.

在我的康復之路上，我慢慢發現了這一點。

I am hanging out so much with my family and my friends.

我經常與家人和朋友一起出去玩。

I'm just like leaning the out of my support system.

我就像把我的支持系統靠在了外面。

In April, I went to Korea with my mom.

四月份，我和媽媽一起去了韓國。

We did like our annual trip.

我們確實喜歡每年一次的旅行。

This time was a little bit different because I went to Seoul on my own for a couple of days.

這次有點不同，因為我獨自去首爾待了幾天。

And I just met up with friends to connect and decompress.

我只是和朋友們聚聚，聯絡聯絡感情，減減壓。

I stayed with Joan for a few days, which was so fun.

我和瓊一起住了幾天，非常有趣。

It was like fun playing roommates.

這就像玩室友遊戲一樣有趣。

And then afterwards, I stayed at a hotel for a few days with my friend Christina.

之後，我和朋友克里斯蒂娜在一家酒店住了幾天。

Then afterwards, I went to the countryside to meet up with my mom and my aunt and my uncles.

之後，我去鄉下與媽媽、姨媽和舅舅們會合。

And it was just so incredibly healing to be on my uncle's farm.

在我叔叔的農場裡，我的心靈得到了極大的治癒。

Like that is heaven to me.

對我來說，這就是天堂。

It's just like you have like shitty Wi-Fi, but you're just surrounded in nature.

就像你有低劣的無線網絡一樣，但你卻被大自然所包圍。

And just like I just love the simplicity of the Korean countryside.

就像我喜歡韓國鄉村的淳樸一樣。

Every time I'm there, I feel like a kid.

每次去那裡，我都覺得自己像個孩子。

I feel like especially when you have your own kid, you're always like used to making like executive choices and like doing stuff for the family.

我覺得，尤其是當你有了自己的孩子後，你總是習慣於做出行政選擇，習慣於為家庭做事。

But when I was in Korea, I could just be the baby girl again.

但當我在韓國時，我又可以做回那個小女孩了。

Every day, I didn't know what the plan was.

每天，我都不知道計劃是什麼。

I just looked to my emo being like, what are we eating?

我只是對我的情緒激動的人說，我們在吃什麼？

What are we doing?

我們在做什麼？

Just tell me the plan and I'm just gonna slip into the itinerary.

只要告訴我計劃，我就會按計劃行事。

It felt really nice to just feel cared for.

這種被關心的感覺真的很好。

And it was just like my time there is always invaluable.

就像我在那裡的時光總是彌足珍貴一樣。

I'm also in the process of redecorating my house.

我也正在重新裝修我的房子。

This is like a project that I have been delaying for a long time.

這就像是我拖延已久的一個項目。

I'm setting up Lennon's new room.

我在佈置列儂的新房間。

This time, I'm like going balls to the wall with my decor.

這一次，我的裝潢就像要撞牆一樣。

I'm like treating my house as if I'm on Animal Crossing.

我把自己的房子當成了《動物世界》。

Like I'm like yes to the wallpaper.

就像我對牆紙說 "是 "一樣。

Yes to the paint.

是的，油漆。

Yes to the limewash.

是的，石灰水。

Yes to the interesting furnishings.

是的，有趣的陳設。

Like I find that part pretty empowering.

就像我覺得這部分很有力量一樣。

This year, I feel like there's like a part of me that has been awakened.

今年，我感覺自己的一部分被喚醒了。

That sounds like so like mystical.

聽起來很神祕。

It's been awakened.

它被喚醒了。

No, but it's just it's scary.

沒有，只是太嚇人了。

But it's also really electrifying to feel alive, if that makes sense.

不過，如果這能說得通的話，活著的感覺也確實令人振奮。

I feel like I'm meeting so many new people and reconnecting with my old friends and leaning on them.

我覺得自己認識了很多新朋友，也與老朋友重新建立了聯繫，並依靠他們。

And at first, I was kind of like skeptical.

起初，我有點懷疑。

Like why are people here for me?

比如，人們為什麼來找我？

But that, you know, I think I was bumping into my own like self-loathing side of me.

但是，你知道，我想我是撞上了我自己 像自我厭惡的一面。

And I'm like really starting to understand the concept of to not question the good in your life.

我開始真正理解 "不要質疑生活中的美好 "這一概念。

Never ever question the good in your life.

永遠不要質疑生活中的美好。

Just accept it and be goddamn grateful.

接受它，並心存感激。

Despite all the change going on, I still love life.

儘管發生了這麼多變化，我依然熱愛生活。

It's not polished.

沒有拋光。

There's no manicured conclusion.

沒有經過修飾的結論。

It's always TBD and that's completely okay.

這永遠是個未知數，完全沒問題。

I hope that watching this made you feel a little less alone or I don't know, a little more at ease in case you were in that odd headspace thinking that everyone has it figured out.

我希望看了這個節目後，能讓你感覺不那麼孤單，或者我也不知道，能讓你感覺更自在一點，以防你在那種奇怪的思維空間裡，以為每個人都想通了。

No, that is a bold-faced lie.

不，這是赤裸裸的謊言。

No one knows what the f*** is happening.

沒人知道到底發生了什麼。

No one knows what they're doing.

沒人知道他們在做什麼。

We're all equally clueless.

我們都一樣沒有頭緒。

We don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, you know?

我們不知道明天會發生什麼，你知道嗎？

Is it even guaranteed?

有保障嗎？

I don't know.

我不知道。

So if anything, you just gotta live your life to the fullest as if it's the last freaking day.

所以，如果有什麼事，你就得盡情地生活，就好像這是最後一天一樣。

And if this is my last day, then I am really happy that I was able to finally dump this out and share and hopefully connect.

如果這是我的最後一天，那麼我真的很高興，因為我終於能夠把這些傾訴出來，與大家分享，並希望能與大家建立聯繫。

You guys have definitely been a big anchor in my life too.

你們也是我生命中的重要支柱。

This is like the longest relationship.

這就像是最長的一段感情。

If I think about it, this relationship with you guys is my longest relationship I've had.

仔細想想，和你們的這段感情是我最長的一段感情了。

And I am so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you, whether you have been supporting me since 2010 or if you just clicked on this video being like, what the f*** is going on, you know?

我非常感謝你們每一個人，無論你們是自 2010 年以來一直支持我，還是剛剛點擊了這個視頻，覺得這到底是怎麼回事，你們知道嗎？

I really am.

我真的是。

And yeah, honestly, it feels really good to be back.

是的，老實說，回來的感覺真的很好。

And I will see you guys in the next video.

我們下期視頻再見。

Bye.

再見。