And yet we don't talk about it.

但我們卻不談論它。

We don't really talk about what it's like to grieve.

我們並沒有真正談論過悲傷的滋味。

You know, whether you really love a parent or child or a spouse, the way life happens, somebody is going to die.

要知道，無論你是真的愛父母、孩子還是配偶，生活中總會有人死去。

Nobody wants that kind of grief to come into their life.

沒有人希望自己的生活中出現這種悲痛。

I did not want my life story to include my husband dying of cancer when we were both pretty young.

我不希望我的人生故事包括我丈夫在我們都很年輕的時候死於癌症。

It's scary to go into pain that intense and not know how you're going to get back out.

經歷了那麼劇烈的疼痛，卻不知道如何才能恢復過來，這是很可怕的。

I found out the only way I could deal with it was to let it completely break me.

我發現我唯一能對付它的辦法就是讓它徹底擊垮我。

And that's scary.

這很可怕。

Andrew was about 14 years older than I am.

安德魯比我大 14 歲。

One of the things that that made me very aware of was taking good care of his health.

其中一件事讓我意識到要好好照顧他的健康。

We were sitting on our couch in our TV room, and he said to me, you know, I'm feeling a little weird, a little dizzy, and there's a little bit of a tingling on the side of my face.

我們坐在電視室的沙發上，他對我說，你知道，我感覺有點奇怪，有點頭暈，臉的一側有點刺痛。

And he said, it's probably nothing.

他說，可能沒什麼。

Let's not worry about it.

別擔心了。

I said, you know what?

我說，你知道嗎？

Let's just go in and get it checked.

我們進去檢查一下吧。

Just a couple minutes later, we drove to our local hospital.

幾分鐘後，我們驅車前往當地醫院。

When they heard that there was somebody who was suspicious they might be having a stroke, they said, well, let's get you into the MRI.

當他們聽說有人懷疑自己可能中風時，他們說，好吧，讓我們把你送進核磁共振。

It's sort of hard to even remember what our faces looked like or exactly what I felt, but it turned out that the MRI showed that he wasn't having a stroke.

我甚至都記不清我們當時的表情，也記不清我當時的感受，但核磁共振成像結果表明，他並沒有中風。

It turned out that his brain was full of cancer.

原來，他的大腦裡充滿了癌症。

More tumors than they actually bothered counting.

腫瘤數量比他們實際統計的還要多。

It was amazing to walk out of the hospital knowing that my husband was going to die of cancer.

知道我丈夫將死於癌症後，我走出醫院時感到非常驚訝。

And I didn't know how that was going to work.

我不知道該怎麼辦。

What happens?

會發生什麼？

The sentence formed very clearly in my mind.

這句話在我腦海中清晰地形成。

This isn't my planet anymore.

這不再是我的星球了

I felt like I was on some different plane like a ghost.

我感覺自己像幽靈一樣來到了另一個世界。

And it almost felt like, was I about to fall through the floor?

我幾乎覺得，我是不是要從地板上摔下去了？

If I touch something, would my hand go right through it?

如果我觸摸某樣東西，我的手會直接穿過它嗎？

You just saw all these people around you going on with life, and you felt completely separated from it.

你看到周圍的人都在繼續生活，而你卻覺得自己與生活完全分離。

One of the things that we said when we were married is that when the universe began, I was holding your hand.

我們結婚時說過的一句話是：當宇宙開始時，我牽著你的手。

And when the universe ends, I'll still be holding your hand.

當宇宙終結時，我仍會牽著你的手。

We actually do think that space and time in the universe are probably very different than our senses tell us, that there's more to it than we perceive.

實際上，我們認為宇宙中的空間和時間可能與我們的感官告訴我們的非常不同，它比我們所感知的要多得多。

A hundred years ago, Albert Einstein actually had a friend who died, and he was writing a letter to this friend's wife.

一百年前，愛因斯坦有個朋友去世了，他給這位朋友的妻子寫了一封信。

And he said famously that the past, present, and future are persistent illusions.

他有一句名言：過去、現在和未來都是持續存在的幻覺。

They're not real.

它們不是真的。

That time exists as more of a landscape, a structure, all at once.

時間更像是一種景觀，一種結構，同時存在。

It's not that this moment now is real, as opposed to the past and the future.

這並不是說，相對於過去和未來，此刻才是真實的。

They're all equally real.

它們都同樣真實。

When the universe came into being, in some ways, all of time came into being all at once.

當宇宙誕生時，從某種程度上說，所有的時間都同時誕生了。

It's a strange thing to think of.

想想都覺得奇怪。

Those parts of the universe, those parts of space and time that he exists, still exist as much as this moment.

宇宙的那些部分，他存在的那些時空部分，仍然和此刻一樣存在。

And I am still holding Andrew's hand, and we're still laughing, and we're still falling in love, and he's still dying in my arms.

我仍然握著安德魯的手，我們仍然在笑，我們仍然在相愛，他仍然死在我的懷裡。

And that is the enormity of life that physics makes you confront.

這就是物理學讓你面對的生命的艱鉅性。

That we really don't understand yet what reality is.

我們真的還不瞭解什麼是現實。

Human brains react a certain way because there is a purpose.

人類大腦之所以會做出某種反應，是因為有其目的。

You know, our emotions have real meaning.

要知道，我們的情感具有真正的意義。

What I learned is that I couldn't start to heal.

我學到的是，我無法開始痊癒。

I couldn't get out of the darkest places until I let that pain happen.

只有讓痛苦發生，我才能走出最黑暗的地方。

When you're dealing with something as deep as grief, that becomes very harmful.

當你面對的是像悲傷這樣深沉的東西時，這就變得非常有害。

And so, for the first time in my life, I had to really deal with my emotions and own them.

是以，這是我人生中第一次真正面對自己的情緒，並擁有它們。

You go into this dark cave of pain and feeling utterly lost and not know how you're going to get back out.

你進入了這個黑暗的痛苦洞穴，感覺完全迷失了方向，不知道如何才能重新走出來。

And how is it that our culture allows that?

我們的文化怎麼會允許這樣的事情發生？

How is it that we allow each other to be so isolated and alone, and everybody wonder if they're doing it right?

我們怎麼會允許彼此如此孤立和孤獨，而每個人都懷疑自己做得對不對？

In a way, we all kind of reinvent the wheel.

在某種程度上，我們都是在重新發明輪子。

People often say, you know, what use is knowledge like, you know, poetry and myths and science and all of these things?

人們常說，你知道，詩歌、神話和科學等知識有什麼用呢？

You know, what use is it to you as a human being?

你知道，它對你這個人有什麼用嗎？

I found that all of these things give you different tools to help you deal with the hardest things in life.

我發現，所有這些都能為你提供不同的工具，幫助你應對生活中最困難的事情。

I still feel the pain and the loss.

我仍然感到痛苦和失落。

I don't want to lose that.

我不想失去它。

I want to weave that into the new person that I am.

我想把這些融入到新的自己中去。

There are people that specialize in taking a beautiful vase that's been dropped and shattered into dozens of shards.

有些人專門負責把掉在地上的漂亮花瓶摔成幾十塊碎片。

They actually begin to put it all together with gold filling in all the cracks.

實際上，他們開始用金子填補所有的裂縫，把一切都拼湊起來。

And so, something that was very beautiful to begin with becomes even more beautiful for the fact that it was broken.

是以，原本非常美麗的東西，因為被打破而變得更加美麗。

I am now trying to figure out how I want to put myself back together.

現在，我正試圖想辦法讓自己重新振作起來。

Things are not determined.

事情還沒有確定。

There's no more a guarantee that I'm going to live a life of misery than there is a guarantee that I'll find love again.

我不能保證自己會過著悲慘的生活，也不能保證自己會再次找到愛情。

This is what happens when you just need to have some faith that you're going to find some way to get through this and think about how, you know, you want to build yourself into those broken bits, how you want to grow.

這就是當你需要有一些信心，相信你會找到一些方法來度過難關，並思考如何，你知道，你想在這些破碎的碎片中建立自己，你想如何成長時所發生的事情。

But I can tell you from the belly of the beast, you know, all the way through, the inspiration I find in the universe, in what's larger than me, in the big questions.

但我可以告訴你，從野獸的肚子裡，你知道，一路走來，我在宇宙中，在比我更大的東西中，在大問題中找到了靈感。

A few weeks after Andrew died, I hosted a sample taking from an asteroid.

安德魯死後幾周，我主持了一次從小行星上採集樣本的活動。

And I remember getting excited.

我記得當時很興奮。

I remember smiling.

我記得我在微笑。

And as we were going down to sample the asteroid, you know, I just remember the thrill of it and the thrill of the questions.

當我們下去對小行星進行採樣時，你知道，我只記得當時的激動和提問的激動。

Whether it's the poetry or the music or the art or the science, everything became a tool to keep going, to keep existing.

無論是詩歌、音樂、藝術還是科學，一切都成了繼續前進、繼續存在的工具。

You can enrich your life and it will help you.

你可以豐富自己的生活，它也會幫助你。

It will not take the pain away.

它不會消除痛苦。

But it might give you a path out of the grief.

但它可能會給你提供一條走出悲傷的道路。

And that, to me, is worth continuing for.

對我來說，這值得我繼續努力。