What?

什麼？

Bam- Boo!

嘭--嘭

Is that like racial because I'm Asian and- Oh my god!

因為我是亞洲人 我的天啊

Oh, sorry, sorry.

哦，對不起，對不起。

Scissors, paper, rock.

剪刀、布、石頭

Who goes first?

誰先走？

Sure.

當然。

Alright.

好吧。

Scissors, paper, rock.

剪刀、布、石頭

So I go first?

那我先走？

Yeah.

是啊

Okay.

好的

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hen's meat.

我曾經經營過一家雞約會服務公司，但在製作母雞肉方面卻很吃力。

Good joke.

好笑話

So Alan, what's blue and not very heavy?

那麼，艾倫，什麼是藍色且不太重的？

I don't know.

我不知道。

Light blue.

淺藍色

Oh, oh.

哦，哦

Is this tequila?

這是龍舌蘭酒嗎？

Yeah.

是啊

I think I'm allergic to tequila.

我想我對龍舌蘭酒過敏。

Are you?

是你嗎？

It's fine.

沒關係。

It's fine.

沒關係。

It's fine.

沒關係。

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

尤達在看到自己的 4K 時說了什麼？

HDMI?

HDMI?

Sorry.

對不起。

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

我給我的盲人朋友買了一個奶酪刨絲器作為生日禮物。

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

他說這是他讀過的最暴力的書。

A guy walks into a British curry shop and he says, can I have one chicken korma?

一個人走進一家英國咖喱店，他說，能給我一份咖喱雞嗎？

And the guy behind the counter says, call me right up.

櫃檯後面的人說，馬上給我打電話。

What's the scariest plant in the forest?

森林裡最可怕的植物是什麼？

What?

什麼？

Bamboo!

竹子

Is that like racial because I'm Asian?

因為我是亞洲人，就有種族歧視嗎？

My granddad couldn't make it to Christmas dinner this year.

我爺爺今年沒能參加聖誕晚宴。

He couldn't make it due to COVID complications.

由於 COVID 的併發症，他未能成行。

Was that a joke?

你在開玩笑嗎？

No, just my diary.

不，只是我的日記。

Okay.

好的

Fuck.

媽的

Okay.

好的

Um.

嗯。

Why?

為什麼？

Sorry.

對不起。

Sorry.

對不起。

I just want to be a good audience.

我只想做個好觀眾。

Okay.

好的

Fuck.

媽的

My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his wheelchair.

我男朋友甩了我，所以我偷了他的輪椅。

Guess who came crawling back?

猜猜誰爬回來了？

Oh my god.

我的天啊

I feel like that was a laugh.

我覺得那是個笑點。

I'm going to drink this.

我要喝這個。

Um.

嗯。

Oh fuck.

媽的

Fuck.

媽的

Yes.

是的。

I'm winning?

我贏了？

Yes.

是的。

Shut up.

閉嘴

Do you think if something bad happens to a Buddhist, a Buddhist goes, ah, ah, Buddha coulda woulda.

你認為如果佛教徒遭遇不幸，佛教徒會說，啊，啊，佛祖本可以的。

That was so dumb.

太蠢了

So dumb.

太蠢了

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

擰一個燈泡需要多少個情緒化的孩子？

How many?

有多少？

None.

無。

They all just sit in the dark and cry.

他們都只是坐在黑暗中哭泣。

Oh.

哦。

Why didn't my parents get each other a Valentine's gift this year?

為什麼我的父母今年沒有給對方買情人節禮物？

Why?

為什麼？

Because they were both victims of the robo-debt scheme.

因為他們都是robo-debt 騙局的受害者。

Nothing?

什麼都沒有？

That's topical.

這是時事。

Fuck this.

去他媽的

Fuck this.

去他媽的

That's a good joke.

這個笑話不錯。

And people at home will get that joke, because that's a good joke.

家裡的人會明白這個笑話，因為這是個好笑話。

It's fucking bullshit.

真他媽扯淡

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said that onions are the only food that make you cry.

我妹妹自以為很聰明，她說洋蔥是唯一會讓人流淚的食物。

So I threw a coconut at her.

於是我朝她扔了個椰子。

Take whatever I can get.

能得到什麼就拿什麼。

I don't.

我沒有。

My dad works at a chip shop.

我爸爸在一家薯片店工作。

Yeah, a microchip shop.

是的，一家芯片店。

He works at Pfizer.

他在輝瑞公司工作。

That's a good joke.

這個笑話不錯。

Yeah, I know.

是的，我知道。

Thanks.

謝謝。

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone, and remember there are no speed bumps.

當你在學校區域遇到減速帶時，請記住這裡沒有減速帶。

Oh.

哦。

Makes me sad.

這讓我很難過。

Because they died.

因為他們死了。

The children died.

孩子們死了

Yeah, I am a comedian.

是的，我是個喜劇演員。

My comedy's been doing really well.

我的喜劇一直演得很好。

In fact, I was recently rated as one to watch by the New South Wales police.

事實上，我最近被新南威爾士州警方評為 "值得關注的人"。

Nothing?

什麼都沒有？

I was raised an only child, which I think was really hard for my sister.

我從小是獨生女，我覺得這對我姐姐來說真的很艱難。

Yeah.

是啊

I think I'm having a reaction.

我想我有反應了。

Are you OK?

你還好嗎？

No, it's fine.

不，沒關係。

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

你聽說過那個發明 "敲敲門 "笑話的人嗎？

He won the Nobel Prize.

他獲得了諾貝爾獎。

He's a genius.

他是個天才。

That's good.

很好

It's not bad.

還不錯。

I liked it.

我喜歡它。

It's pretty good and I feel pretty sick.

這很好，我感覺很不舒服。

My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.

我的老闆不喜歡我把他的名字簡稱為迪克。

Especially because his name is Steve.

特別是因為他叫史蒂夫。

That's just rude.

這太無禮了。

That's just...

這只是...

Can you see the Asian flush yet?

你看到亞洲的潮水了嗎？

No, you're good.

不，你很好。

I feel bad.

我感覺很糟。

Sorry, did I fuck up the mic?

對不起，我把麥克風弄壞了嗎？

Yeah.

是啊

You're good.

你真厲害

You got this.

你能行的

Thank you, you're so supportive.

謝謝你，你太支持我了。

What kind of music do balloons like?

氣球喜歡什麼樣的音樂？

Pop music.

流行音樂

Good.

很好。

Someone should pop a gun in my face.

應該有人拿槍指著我的臉。

God damn it.

該死的

I wrote a song about a tortilla, but it was more of a rap.

我寫過一首關於玉米餅的歌，但更像是說唱。

You want to laugh.

你想笑

I do.

我是這麼想的。

God damn it, I want to laugh too.

該死的，我也想笑。

Why do hamburgers go dancing?

為什麼漢堡包會跳舞？

Sorry.

對不起。

What?

什麼？

Fuck that up, eh?

搞砸了，是嗎？

Fuck, I'm so hot.

操，我好熱

Can I take my shirt off?

我能脫掉上衣嗎？

Is that OK?

這樣可以嗎？

Did I fuck up the sound?

我把聲音弄壞了嗎？

Did I lose?

我輸了嗎？

Oh, I won?

哦，我贏了？

Take it off and tell the joke.

脫下來，講笑話。

I'll hold it and then I'll...

我會拿著它，然後我會...

Alright.

好吧。

Am I still going?

我還要去嗎？

No, another one.

不，是另一個。

Sorry, it's so hot.

對不起，天氣太熱了。

Sorry.

對不起。

Where do hamburgers go dancing?

漢堡包在哪裡跳舞？

A meatball.

一個肉丸

Oh.

哦。

What?

什麼？

Alright.

好吧。

Do you have another one?

你還有另一個嗎？

That was...

那是...

Oh.

哦。

Got it.

知道了

Very good.

非常好

My therapist said time heals all wounds.

我的心理醫生說，時間可以治癒一切創傷。

So I stabbed her.

所以我捅了她

We just found out my grandpa is now addicted to Viagra.

我們剛剛發現我爺爺現在對偉哥上癮了。

No one's taking it harder than me.

沒有人比我更難受了。

LAUGHTER It's not even funny.

這一點都不好笑。

I think it's just a combination of everything.

我認為這只是所有因素的綜合。

Yeah, OK.

好吧

Alright, I gotta go.

好吧，我得走了

Well done.

幹得好

Bye.

再見。

LAUGHTER CHEERING APPLAUSE Can I just say thanks for doing this with me?

笑聲 歡呼聲 掌聲 我能說聲謝謝你和我一起做這個嗎？

No, thank you.

不用了，謝謝。

Oh.

哦。

Oh, sorry.

哦，對不起。

Sorry.

對不起。

Alright, hit me.

好吧，打我。