Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall, starring Matt Damon.

就在三年前，有一部馬特-達蒙主演的電影叫《長城》。

It was a real movie.

這是一部真正的電影。

It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English.

是馬特-達蒙在古代中國與龍搏鬥，每個人都說英語。

It's like, what the fuck is this?

就像，這他媽是什麼？

But you gotta understand, I'm not mad at Matt Damon, okay?

但你得明白，我不是生馬特-達蒙的氣，好嗎？

He's an actor, that's what he does for a living.

他是個演員，以此為生。

That's how he gets a check.

這樣他才能拿到支票。

I get it, I get it.

我明白了，我明白了。

If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,

如果有人讓我在一部叫《拉什莫爾山》的電影中擔任主演、

I would play the shit out of George Washington.

我會把喬治-華盛頓演得屁滾尿流。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Yeah.

是啊

No shame in my game.

我的遊戲不丟人。

I would play George Washington Carver if they let me.

如果他們允許，我願意扮演喬治-華盛頓-卡弗。

That's a black guy, by the way.

順便說一句，那是個黑人。

I don't know who that is.

我不知道那是誰。

Gotta represent, man.

必須代表我們

I see a lot of people out here in the streets.

我在街上看到很多人。

They want to come up to me, but they're not really sure.

他們想過來找我，但又不太確定。

There's a lot of debate amongst their friends.

他們的朋友之間有很多爭論。

They're like, hey man, are you sure that's him?

他們說，嘿，夥計，你確定是他嗎？

If we go up there, we gotta be sure, because if we go up there and it's not him, we're gonna look super racist.

如果我們上去了，一定要確定，因為如果我們上去了卻不是他，我們就會顯得超級種族歧視。

Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong?

你確定那不是 Ken Jeong 嗎？

I don't know, it looks kind of like Ali Wong, I don't know.

我不知道，看起來有點像阿里-王，我不知道。

And they come up to me, it's always like the first thing they say, they're like, hey man, aren't you that dude, Jing Yang, from that show, Silicon Valley?

他們來找我，第一句話總是說，嘿，老兄，你不就是《硅谷》裡的那個楊靖嗎？

And I'm like, oh, thanks, thanks, thank you.

我就說，哦，謝謝，謝謝，謝謝。

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you,

我想，是啊，是啊，是啊，謝謝你，謝謝你、

I appreciate that, yeah, I am.

我很感激，是的，我很感激。

And then they're like, oh, I didn't even know you speak English in real life.

然後他們就會說，哦，我都不知道你在現實生活中會說英語。

Like, it's called acting.

比如，這就是所謂的演技。

Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese?

比如，你真的以為馬特-達蒙是中國人嗎？

Like, what's wrong with you?

比如，你怎麼了？

I don't know what the disconnect is.

我不知道是哪裡出了問題。

Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he's a thespian.

比如，如果一個白人演員操一口英國口音，他就是個演員。

He wins an Oscar.

他獲得了奧斯卡獎。

If I do a Chinese accent,

如果我說一口中國腔

I'm automatically from the old country.

我是自動從老家來的。

Representation matters, man.

代表權很重要，夥計。

A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice, they're like,

很多亞洲人走到我面前，非常自豪，非常友好，他們就像這樣、

Jimmy, thank you for representing the Asians, man.

吉米，謝謝你代表亞洲人，夥計。

I'm like, hey, you're welcome.

我就說，嘿，不用謝。

But you do understand it's not really a choice, right?

但你應該明白，這並不是一個真正的選擇，對嗎？

Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians.

比如，當你醒來時是亞洲人，你就只能代表亞洲人。

I couldn't just wake up one day and be like,

我不可能一覺醒來就想

I'm representing Nigerians today.

我今天代表的是尼日利亞人。

I'm very proud to represent Asians, but at the same time, there's so much pressure.

我很自豪能代表亞洲人，但與此同時，壓力也很大。

Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites.

就像，從來沒有人走到馬特-達蒙面前說，嘿，馬特，謝謝你代表白人。

Sounds weird, that's like a different conversation for some reason, you know?

聽起來很奇怪，這就像是不同的對話，你知道嗎？

If somebody came up to me and be like, hey, Jimmy, I'm representing for the whites,

如果有人走過來對我說 吉米 我是白人的代表

I would leave that town immediately and never come back.

我會立即離開那個小鎮，再也不回來。

So much pressure to represent.

代表的壓力太大了。

I gotta be a good Asian everywhere now.

我現在必須在任何地方都做個好亞洲人。

I gotta tip everywhere I go?

我到哪兒都得給小費？

That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I can just pretend I don't know how to tip.

這也是我作為亞洲人的一大優勢，因為我可以假裝不知道如何給小費。

Y'all know what a Chinese tip is?

你們知道什麼是中國小費嗎？

Chinese tip, it doesn't matter how big your bill is, you tip $2.

中國人給小費，不管賬單有多大，都給 2 美元。

That's a Chinese tip, man.

這是中國人的小費，夥計。

Now I gotta tip 20% everywhere.

現在我到哪兒都得給 20% 的小費。

I gotta give every Uber driver a five-star rating just so I can be a good representative.

我得給每個 Uber 司機五星好評，這樣我才能成為一個好代表。

Everywhere I go, I gotta represent.

無論我走到哪裡，我都要代表自己。

Even day-to-day, even the bedroom, I gotta represent.

即使是日常生活，即使是臥室，我也要代表自己。

After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me.

在我勾搭上這個女孩之後，她是這樣對我說的。

She was like, Jimmy, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with.

她說，吉米，我不知道該怎麼跟你說 你是我交往過的第一個亞洲男人

I'm like, okay.

我想，好吧。

What do you want, a fortune cookie?

你想要什麼，幸運餅乾嗎？

Like, what do you want?

比如，你想要什麼？

She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit.

她表現得就像剛解鎖了《街頭霸王》的新角色什麼的。

Why do you feel the need to say that?

你為什麼覺得有必要這麼說？

This one girl said this shit was so disrespectful.

有一個女孩說，這太不尊重人了。

This is what she said to me after we hooked up.

這是她在我們勾搭上之後對我說的話。

She was like, Jimmy, I'm just glad the stereotype's not true.

她說，吉米，我很高興這種刻板印象不是真的。

You don't have a small penis.

你的陰莖不小

And I'm like, I don't understand.

我想，我不明白。

You just insulted my entire race of people.

你剛剛侮辱了我的整個種族。

But thank you.

不過還是謝謝你。

First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis and we still had sex.

首先，謝謝你認為我的陰莖確實很小，但我們還是發生了性關係。

You're the real MVP.

你才是真正的 MVP。

You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss.

你今晚有兩塊幸運餅乾，小姐

Thank you.

謝謝。

I love all Asian people, man.

我愛所有的亞洲人

Yeah, yeah, all Asian people are the best.

是啊，是啊，所有亞洲人都是最棒的。

But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park?

但為什麼亞洲老人總是在公園裡伸懶腰呢？

Like, it doesn't matter which city and which park you go to.

比如，去哪個城市、哪個公園都無所謂。

You wake up 6.30 in the morning.

你早上六點半起床。

You see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time.

你會看到大約 250 個亞洲老人同時在做這種事。

For like three hours.

大概三個小時

What the fuck are they doing?

他們他媽的在幹什麼？

And my dad was trying to explain to me.

我爸爸試圖向我解釋。

He's like, oh, they're warming up to do Tai Chi.

他說，哦，他們在熱身打太極呢。

I'm like, for how long?

我想，要多久？

And ironically, Tai Chi is a warmup in itself.

具有諷刺意味的是，太極拳本身就是一種熱身運動。

So they're warming up to warm up for nothing.

所以他們是在白白熱身。

And I think to a lot of Americans, like people think that Tai Chi is some like exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art.

我認為對很多美國人來說，太極拳就像是異國情調的中國祕籍，是東方藝術。

No, Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise.

不，太極拳只是為那些年紀太大不能運動的人準備的運動。

Let's not exoticize these things, you know?

我們不要把這些東西異國化，你知道嗎？

It's actually super simple to do Tai Chi.

其實，打太極拳超級簡單。

I went to the park, watched those old people for like an hour and I learned how to do Tai Chi.

我去了公園，看了那些老人大概一個小時，還學會了打太極拳。

Very simple.

非常簡單。

All you got to do is two things.

你只需做兩件事

All you got to do to do Tai Chi is pretend you're wiping down a window and getting a up at the same time.

要打太極拳，你只需要假裝在擦窗戶的同時站起來就可以了。

You guys seem skeptical.

你們似乎持懷疑態度。

Allow me to demonstrate.

請允許我演示一下。

Very simple.

非常簡單。

All you got to do, you get in your little stance, right?

你要做的，就是擺好你的小姿勢，對嗎？

Okay.

好的

And then you wipe down a window and now you get a up.

然後你擦了擦車窗，現在你就能看到了。

And then you lift her head up because you're a gentleman, you know?

然後你把她的頭抬起來，因為你是個紳士，知道嗎？

That's Tai Chi.

這就是太極。

Hey, hey.

嘿，嘿

Let's not exoticize these Asian things.

我們不要把這些亞洲東西異國化。

It's just old people reminiscing about the days when they got f***ed off, that's it.

這只是老人們在追憶他們被****的日子，僅此而已。

You got to take advantages of all these Asian stereotypes, you know?

你得利用所有這些對亞洲人的刻板印象，你知道嗎？

If people was going to exoticize us, that's fine.

如果人們要把我們異國化，那也沒關係。

Whenever somebody asked me to do something I don't want to do,

每當有人讓我做我不想做的事時、

I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.

我現在就編一個假的中國節日。

It's like, hey Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?

就像，嘿，吉米，下週一你能幫我搬家嗎？

I'm like, Monday?

我想，星期一？

That's the Dragon Boat

那就是龍舟

Lai Chi Boba Festival, dog.

荔枝波巴節，狗。

I can't just help you move.

我不能只是幫你搬家。

My grandfather died for that s***, you understand?

我的祖父就是為這個而死的，你明白嗎？

And if people was going to assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.

如果人們認為我不會說英語，那也沒關係。

That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.

現在當我被警察攔下時，我就會這麼做。

I just pretend I don't speak English.

我只是假裝不會說英語。

Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.

五年來從未收到過罰單。

Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.

上次我被攔下時，警察正在敲我的車窗。

He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.

他說，先生，你知道這裡不能右轉吧。

Says right there in the sign, you can't make a right turn.

標誌上寫著，你不能右轉。

So I just looked up at him.

於是我就抬頭看著他。

I was like, oh,

我當時想，哦、

I don't know.

我不知道。

I'm sorry, but the English is not very good.

對不起，我的英語不太好。

So I cannot read the sign.

所以我看不懂標誌。

And he was really confused.

他真的很困惑。

He just looked back down at me.

他只是低頭看著我。

He was like, sir, the sign is not in English.

他說，先生，這個標誌不是用英語寫的。

It's a diagram.

這是一張圖表。

So I don't understand how that's a language barrier.

所以我不明白這怎麼會是語言障礙。

So I just looked up at him.

於是我就抬頭看著他。

I was like, oh,

我當時想，哦、

I don't know.

我不知道。

But do you know today is the Dragon Ball

但你知道今天是《龍珠

Lai Chi Pu.

Lai Chi Pu.

Like I'm finally,

就像我終於

I'm like quasi famous now.

我現在算是準名人了。

Nothing's really changed.

其實什麼都沒變。

I might get a free appetizer at Select PF Chang's.

我可能會在精選的 PF Chang's 獲得免費開胃菜。

That's about it.

僅此而已。

Nothing's really changed.

其實什麼都沒變。

I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.

直到一年前，我還在用 Tinder。

This is a true story.

這是一個真實的故事。

But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.

但現在我意識到，我在 Tinder 上遇到了全新的問題。

Like now when I do match with a girl, she doesn't believe that it's me.

就像現在，當我和一個女孩配對時，她不相信那是我。

Like, ew, that's not you.

比如，呃，那不是你。

That's not, you're not that guy from this thing and that thing.

那不是，你不是這個那個的那個人。

I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?

我就想，誰他媽在用我做假檔案？

You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.

要利用我，你就得挖地三尺。

Feel like there's so many better choices out there.

感覺有很多更好的選擇。

One time, one time my agent told me that I had a good look.

有一次，我的經紀人告訴我，我長得很好看。

And I'm like, thanks, dude.

我就說，謝謝你，老兄。

I appreciate that.

我很感激。

But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking.

但後來我花了很多年才意識到，擁有好的外表和長得好看是完全不同的。

I still don't know what the fuck it means.

我還是不知道這到底是什麼意思。

And look, I'm not being self-deprecating.

聽著，我不是在自嘲。

Okay, that's Hollywood talk.

好吧，這是好萊塢的說法。

I don't, I don't listen to that shit.

我不聽，我不聽那些鬼話。

I understand that in real life,

在現實生活中，我明白這一點、

I'm like super good looking.

我就像超級帥哥。

If you're into anime.

如果你喜歡動漫

You gotta get in where you fit in, people.

你得去你適合的地方，夥計們。

One time I went over to the girl's house.

有一次，我去了那個女孩的家。

She, she has this like Naruto anime poster in her bedroom.

她的臥室裡有一張火影忍者的動漫海報。

I knew I was fucking that night.

我知道那天晚上我在做愛。

You gotta know your demo, people.

你必須瞭解你的演示，夥計們。

Asian people, we don't need Tinder anymore.

亞洲人，我們不再需要 Tinder 了。

We just go to BTS concerts.

我們只是去看 BTS 演唱會。

That's how we do that parking lot pimping.

我們就是這樣在停車場拉皮條的

I've been thinking a lot about this.

我一直在思考這個問題。

I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful.

我最近和很多高個子女孩約會，因為這讓我看起來很成功。

No, no.

不，不

I think tall women are beautiful.

我覺得高個子女人很漂亮。

But some of them like to wear heels.

但有些人喜歡穿高跟鞋。

That's just disrespect.

這就是不尊重。

Like you're already five inches taller than me.

就像你已經比我高五英寸了一樣。

Why the fuck are you wearing heels?

你他媽為什麼穿高跟鞋？

And she's like, it makes my ass look better.

她就說，這樣我的屁股就好看多了。

I'm like your ass is on my eye level right now.

你的屁股就在我的視線範圍內。

Neither of us look good, okay?

我們都不好看，好嗎？

I look like a child and you look like a child molester.

我看起來像個孩子，而你看起來像個兒童性騷擾者。

Last time, last time I took a tall girl to this concert.

上一次，上一次我帶著一個高個子女孩去聽這場音樂會。

I don't know if you guys know this, but apparently tall people have fun at concerts.

我不知道你們是否知道這一點，但顯然高個子在音樂會上很開心。

Are you guys aware of that?

你們知道嗎？

I'm five five.

我55歲了

I just go to concerts to smell other people's armpits.

我去音樂會就是為了聞別人的腋窩。

Like what the fuck's the point of this?

這他媽有什麼意義？

She was having a time in her life doing what tall people do at concerts, you know?

她在做高個子在音樂會上做的事情，你知道嗎？

Jumping around, obstructing other people's views, seeing everything.

跳來跳去，擋住別人的視線，什麼都看得到。

I was frustrated.

我很沮喪。

I had enough.

我受夠了

So I just looked up at her.

於是我就抬頭看著她。

I was like, hey, pick me up.

我當時想，嘿，來接我吧。

I know I'm becoming an adult finally because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV.

我知道自己終於長大成人了，因為現在我最喜歡看的電視節目是 HGTV 的《修繕者上》。

That's the greatest show of all time.

這是有史以來最偉大的演出。

You guys watch it?

你們看了嗎？

Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper.

奇普和喬安娜-蓋恩斯，《修繕者上》。

It's a great show, right?

這是個很棒的節目，對吧？

It's a great show.

這是一場精彩的演出。

Like it's really a beautiful relationship.

就像這真的是一種美好的關係。

Joanna does all the interior decorating and she brings in all the furniture.

喬安娜負責所有的室內裝飾，她還會帶來所有的傢俱。

It makes the house look amazing.

它讓房子看起來令人驚歎。

And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him.

而奇普只是僱傭墨西哥人為他做任何事。

It's the most symbiotic American relationship ever.

這是美國有史以來最緊密的共生關係。

And it's a really nice show.

這真是一場精彩的演出。

It's a feel good show, right?

這是一檔讓人感覺良好的節目，對嗎？

It's an aspiring show.

這是一個有抱負的節目。

You watch the show and you're like, man, one day maybe my house could look that nice if I moved to Waco, Texas.

看完節目後，你會想，如果有一天我搬到德克薩斯州的韋科市，也許我的房子也能這麼漂亮。

If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.

如果我放棄我的生活，搬到德克薩斯州的韋科市，也許我就能擁有一個新的開放式廚房了。

I don't know about you guys, it's expensive where I live in LA.

我不知道你們怎麼想，我住在洛杉磯的地方房價很貴。

And I watch the show and I just get frustrated because you get like these like entry level job having people in Texas.

我看了這個節目，感到很沮喪，因為在德克薩斯州，你會遇到像這些初級工作的人。

And they're like, Joanna, we're looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget's $50,000.

他們會說，喬安娜，我們要找一棟有六間臥室的房子，佔地三英畝，預算是五萬美元。

Bitch, I can't even buy a crack house in Compton for 50.

賤人，我在康普頓花 50 塊錢都買不到一棟破房子。

HGTV is just basically MTV Cribs for adults.

HGTV 基本上就是成年人的 MTV Cribs。