And during our four-year stay there, we had two different neighbors that lived below us.

在那裡的四年裡，我們有兩個不同的鄰居住在我們樓下。

Now, the first guy was a dude named John who was like this 45-year-old stoner that lived by himself, and John was like the best downstairs neighbor that we could possibly have.

第一個人叫約翰，是個 45 歲的癮君子，自己一個人住，而約翰可能是我們擁有過最好的樓下鄰居。

He was always trying to help out and bring us food to eat, which was very important to us because Brewer and I just so happened to be broke as hell back then.

他總是想方設法幫助我們，給我們送吃的，這對我們來說非常重要，因為布魯爾和我那時剛好窮得叮噹響。

We'd be sitting on the couch like, "Boy, I sure am hungry. Dude, do you have any money?"

我們會坐在沙發說：「兄弟，我真的餓了。你有錢嗎？」

"Money? What the hell is money?"

「錢？錢是什麼鬼東西？」

And then John would just pop in and he'd be like, "Oh, hey guys, I was just making some corn dogs downstairs and well, I got super stoned and accidentally made the whole box.

然後約翰就會突然出現說：「哦，嘿，各位，我正在樓下做炸熱狗，然後我嗑藥嗑嗨了，一不小心就做了一整盒。

You guys want to eat fucking 14 corn dogs?"

你們想吃 14 個炸熱狗嗎？」

Now, one time me and John were both in the basement doing our laundry at like 7 o'clock in the morning, and out of nowhere, his ass was like,

現在，有一次早上 7 點左右我和約翰都在地下室洗衣服，突然間，這位老兄說：

"Hey, dude, I got some leftover jello shots from Cinco de Mayo. You want to go eat a bunch and get super fucked up?"

「嘿，兄弟，我得到了一些五月五日節剩下的果凍酒。你想吃一堆變得爛醉嗎？」

"John don't you have to like go to work in an hour?"

「約翰，你一小時後不是要去上班嗎？」

"Yeah, I sure do. Anyways, they're lime-green ones made with tequila."

「是啊，我確實要去。總之，它們是用龍舌蘭酒製成的石灰綠色飲料。」

So there I am, getting plastered at 7 o'clock in the morning with a 45-year-old man in a Hawaiian shirt.

早上 7 點，我就這樣和一個穿著夏威夷襯衫的 45 歲男人一起喝得爛醉。

An hour later, I'm passed out drunk on the couch; John's ass is at work as a fucking welder of all things.

我醉醺醺地躺在沙發上，而約翰那傢伙正在作為一個他媽的焊工在工作。

"Hey, John, are you all right?"

「嘿，約翰，你還好嗎？」

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

「我沒事啊，你為什麼這麼問？」

Yeah, the guy was a legend. That's for sure.

是的，這傢伙是個傳奇。這是肯定的。

Well, needless to say, me and Brewer were pretty disappointed when John moved out one day and our new neighbor moved in.

不用說，當有一天約翰搬走，我們的新鄰居搬進來時，我和布魯爾非常失望。

Now, this new neighbor was a guy named Tom, and Tom was no fucking John. That's for goddamn sure.

這個新鄰居叫湯姆，湯姆可不是他媽的約翰，這他媽是肯定的。

I mean for one, Tom did not associate with us whatsoever.

我的意思是，湯姆都沒有和我們交流過。

He lived underneath us for months and we didn't have a single conversation.

他在我們樓下住了幾個月，我們沒有進行過一次交談。

He just sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes and shit.

他會坐在門廊上抽菸之類的。

Me and Brewer would just watch him at a distance like, "Well, what the fuck? What's this guy gonna start feeding us corn dogs?"

他和布魯爾就在遠處看著他，說：「搞什麼鬼？這傢伙什麼時候要給我們吃炸熱狗？」

"Yeah, fucking jello shots. This guy sucks ass at being the downstairs neighbor."

「是啊，該死的果凍酒。這傢伙當樓下鄰居當得真差勁。」

Well, it didn't take long for the shit to hit the proverbial fan, if you will, between us and our new neighbor Tom.

沒過多久，我們和我們的新鄰居湯姆之間的關係將陷入困境。

The first issue that we ran into was the fact that Tom worked early mornings every day.

我們遇到的第一個問題是，湯姆每天都要早起工作。

Now, Brewer and I had shitty second shift jobs at the Circle K and the Pizza Hut.

布魯爾和我曾在 Circle K 和必勝客做過低劣的二輪班工作。

So that meant that while Tom was trying to get his beauty sleep at night, me and Brewer be upstairs doing dumb shit being loud as fuck.

這意味著，當湯姆晚上想睡個美容覺時，我和布魯爾在樓上幹蠢事，吵得要命。

"Dude, you want to go shoot beer bottles with this BB gun and fucking listen to old Lip Biscuit songs?"

「老兄，你想用這把BB槍打啤酒瓶，聽Lip Biscuit的老歌？」

"Oh, hell yeah, I do."

「哦，好啊，我要。」

"I did it all for the nookie. Come on, the nookie, come on."

「我這麼做都是為了性。來吧，性，來吧。」

Yeah, I don't know if you guys thought that Tom's ass was gonna be the bad neighbor when you clicked on this video,

我不知道你們點開這部影片時，是否覺得湯姆那傢伙會是壞鄰居，

but no, me and Brewer were actually the asshole neighbors, 100%.

但實際上，我和布魯爾才是那個混蛋鄰居，100%。

So needless to say, Tom had a hard time sleeping with all the happy horse shit that we were up to.

不用說，湯姆睡得很不安穩，因為我們正玩得開心呢。

Now you think that he would just, you know, ask us to keep it down or hell even do the old broomstick against the ceiling thing.

你認為他會讓我們小聲點，甚至用掃帚頂天花板，

No. This motherfucker decides to call the cops. That's what he decides to do.

但沒有。這個混蛋決定報警。這就是他的決定。

"Hey, uh, we got an anonymous noise complaint from the other half of the house. You guys are playing the Nookie at way too many decibels."

「嘿，我們收到了來自另一半房子住戶的匿名噪音投訴。你們播《Nookie》的分貝太高了。」

Now this kind of offended me and Brewer at first.

一開始我和布魯爾都有點不高興。

I mean, hell, if Tom would have just came to us personally, we would have toned it down for sure.

我的意思是，如果湯姆親自來找我們，我們肯定會收斂一些。

We didn't need the fucking Five-O to come here and yell at us like they're our dad and shit.

我們不需要那個該死的條子到這裡來對我們大喊大叫，就好像他們是我們的爸爸一樣。

So after a few days, we went right back to doing stupid shit and being loud as hell.

過了幾天，我們又開始幹蠢事，吵得要命。

"Hey, you want to fucking fight each other with vacuum cleaners?"

「嘿，你他媽想用吸塵器互毆嗎？」

"Oh, hell yah, you're on."

「哦，好啊，來戰吧。」

And of course, Tom called the cops on us again.

當然，湯姆又報警了。

In fact, his ass probably called the cops probably a half dozen times, but the cops would never really do anything.

事實上，那傢伙可能叫了警察大概六次，但警察從來沒有真正做任何事情。

They just show up and be like, "Hey, uh, we got a noise complaint."

他們只會出現說：「我們接到了噪音投訴。」

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll keep it down, all right? Now leave us alone. We're trying to fucking race these baboons on pogo sticks for Christ's sake."

「好啦，好啦，我們會小聲一點，行嗎？現在滾開，我們他媽正試著和這些狒狒比賽跳高呢，看在上帝的份上。」

Eventually, the cops just stopped coming over all together.

最後，警察都不過來了。

I don't know if it was Tom that gave up or if the cops were just like, "Look, they're just loud assholes, all right? We can't just shoot him in the face, Tom, no matter how loud they are."

我不知道是湯姆放棄了，還是警察們覺得：「他們就是個大嗓門的混蛋，好嗎？我們不能一槍打在他們臉上，湯姆，不管他們聲音有多大。」

Well, eventually Tom would seek out some revenge of his own when he started to bring over a little lady friend of his.

最後，湯姆開始帶著他的一位女性朋友來報仇了。

Now, the way the duplex was laid out, Tom's bedroom just so happened to be directly underneath my bedroom.

由於複式樓的佈局，湯姆的臥室正好在我臥室的正下方。

Now, some of you watching this might already know where I'm going with this.

有些觀眾可能已經知道我要說什麼了。

"Oh, did you fucking hear them have loud nasty sex late at night? You did, didn't you?"

「哦，你他媽的聽到他們在深夜大聲做愛了嗎？你聽到了，對吧？

Yeah. Yeah. I fucking did.

沒錯，我聽到了。

You see late one night in the wee early morning hours, I wake up to some very unsettling noises.

你看，有一天深夜凌晨，我被一些非常令人不安的噪音吵醒。

I don't know what kind of weird tantric shit was going on downstairs, but it was loud and it was violent.

我不知道樓下發生了什麼奇怪的密宗儀式，但聲音很大而且很暴力。

It's just sound like fucking two dogs fighting underneath a table and shit

聽起來就像兩隻狗在桌子底下打架一樣。

It was crazy as hell, and to make matters worse, Tom was clearly the more vocal of the two.

這太瘋狂了，更糟的是，湯姆顯然是兩個人中最大聲的一個。

He just kept going, "Hah! Hah! Haaah! Ha-ha-ha-haaah!"

他不停喊：「哈！哈！哈哈哈哈！」

So what did I decide to do about this unfortunate situation?

那麼對於這種不幸的情況我決定要做什麼呢？

Well, I sure as hell didn't call the cops and be like,

我肯定不會打電話給警察，然後說：

"Hey, my prick of a neighbor is having loud relations and above the neighborhood noise ordinance. Send lots of back up."

「嘿，我混蛋鄰居在發生性愛關係很吵鬧，而且違反了鄰裡噪音條例。請求支援。」

No. I did not do that.

沒有，我沒有那樣做。

Instead, my double standard have an ass goes over to the vent in my room and I yell something along the lines of,

相反，我的雙重標準讓我走到我房間的通風口，我大叫：

"Hey, fucking quit it. Knock it off. I gotta work four hours at the pizza tomorrow. God damn it. Stop it."

「嘿，他媽的別鬧了。我明天得在披薩店工作四個小時。該死的，別鬧了。」

Now, I don't know if they didn't hear me or if they just didn't care, but that did not stop whatever the fuck they were doing down there.

我不知道他們是沒聽到我說的話，還是根本不在乎，但這並沒有阻止他們在下面做的奇怪事。

So my ass had to sleep on the couch that night, traumatized as hell.

所以那天晚上我不得不睡在沙發上。

Not to mention this happened for like a week straight and every time I would get up and I would yell shit down the vent.

更不用說這種情況連續發生了大約一個星期，每次我起床時，我都會對著通風口大喊大叫。

Well, sometimes I would just fuck with them instead. I wouldn't even yell.

好吧，有時候我會直接跟他們玩。 我甚至不會大喊大叫。

I'd just be like, "Thomas. Is that you? It's me, your mother. I don't really appreciate what you're doing down there, boobie."

我會說：「托馬斯。是你嗎？是我，你的媽媽。我不太欣賞你在下面所做的事情，小寶貝。」

But it didn't matter.

但這並不重要。

They never stopped or responded or anything like that.

他們從來沒有停止過，也沒有做出過任何迴應或類似的事情。

And I had to keep my ass out on the couch because, well, I was definitely not trying to hear that shit, that's for sure.

我不得不繼續睡在沙發上，因為我絕對不想聽這些鬼聲音，這是肯定的。

Now, keep in mind that at this point, we still have not had any direct confrontation with Tom.

請記住，此時我們仍然沒有與湯姆發生任何直接對抗。

Not a single conversation or a "Hey, how'd you do? I heard you fucking last night."

沒有過任何一次談話，或者「嘿，你好嗎？我昨晚聽到你們做愛了。」

Nothing. Nothing at all.

沒有，什麼都沒有。

Well, all that would change with what I like to call "The Dryer Incident."

這一切都會因為我稱之為「烘乾機事件」的事件而改變。

And The Dryer Incident happened when one night at 3 o'clock In the morning, I decided to put my shoes in the dryer.

烘乾機事件發生在某天晚上凌晨3點，我決定把鞋子放進烘乾機裡。

I don't remember why my shoes were sopping wet in the first place or why I had to have them dried at that precise moment,

我不記得我的鞋子為什麼會溼透，也不記得為什麼要在那個時候把它們烘乾，

but I indeed put shoes in the goddamn dryer at 3 o'clock in the morning.

但我確實在凌晨三點把鞋放進該死的烘乾機裡。

Now if you've never put shoes in the dryer before by themselves, well, it sounds a lot like this.

如果你從來沒有自己把鞋子放在烘乾機裡烘乾過，那麼，聽起來很像這樣。

Well, this obviously wakes Tom's ass up and apparently this was it.

這顯然吵醒了湯姆，顯然他受夠了。

This was the final straw Tom marches his ass upstairs pissed off as hell.

這是壓垮他的最後一根稻草，湯姆氣得跑上樓了。

I opened the door and what I see is the angriest bald man I've ever seen my life.

我打開門，看到的是一個最憤怒的禿頭男人。

Tom standing there smoking a cigarette. He's like, "Are those fucking shoes in the goddamn dryer?"

湯姆站在那裡抽著煙說：「烘乾機裡的是不是該死的鞋子？」

And my first reaction was like, "Holy hell, Tom. That is shoes in the dryer. How the hell did you guess that?"

我的第一反應是：「我的天哪，湯姆！在烘乾機裡的確實是鞋子，你是怎麼猜到的？」

This is like a fucking weird game show of some sort.

這就像一個他媽的奇怪的遊戲節目。

"And welcome back to another episode of 'What's in the Dryer?'"

「歡迎回到另一集 《烘乾機裡有什麼》。」

"Tom for the grand prize. What do you hear?"

「想獲得大獎的湯姆，你聽到了什麼？

"Clankety, clank, clank, clank, clank."

「哐當、哐當、哐當、哐當、哐當。」

"That's a fucking TV remote and a bag of nickels."

「那是一部該死的電視遙控器和一袋硬幣。」

Anyways, Tom asked me if those are indeed shoes in the goddamn dryer, and I decided to hold my ground, even though, you know, I'm 100% wrong in this situation.

總之，湯姆問我烘乾機裡的是不是鞋子，我決定堅守陣地，儘管你知道，在這種情況下我百分之百錯了。

"Well, yeah, Tom, as a matter of fact, those are shoes in the goddamn dryer."

「是的，湯姆，事實上，在烘乾機裡的就是鞋子沒錯。」

"It's 3 in the morning. Why the fuck did you put shoes in the dryer?"

「現在是凌晨三點，你他媽幹嘛把鞋放進烘乾機裡？」

"Well, to get them dry, you dense son of a bitch. Why else would I fucking put them in there?"

「為了把它們弄乾啊，你這個王八蛋。不然我他媽把它們放進去幹嘛？」

So now we're going back and forth over who's the bigger asshole here.

所以，現在我們來來回回地討論誰更混蛋。

And it's me, clearly, but that's what I take a sharp left turn and bring up an entirely different topic.

很明顯，是我，但我急轉彎，提出一個完全不同的話題。

"Yeah, well, I don't appreciate hearing you and your girlfriend's fucking sexual escapades at night. How about that?"

「我不喜歡在晚上聽到你和你女朋友的性事，怎麼樣？」

"Wait, what? What the hell are you talking about?

「等等，什麼？你到底在說什麼？」

"Well, I can hear you fucking, Tom. That's what. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sound familiar, you fucking piece of shit?"

「湯姆，我能聽見你做愛的聲音。就是這樣。哈！哈！哈哈哈哈哈！有耳熟嗎，你這混蛋。」

Yeah, that's right. I had to pull a page out of Forrest Gump. I had to imitate his ass fucking.

是的，沒錯。我不得不從《阿甘正傳》裡學了一招。我不得不模仿他做愛的聲音。

It wasn't my proudest moment, but well, it was pretty effective because Tom's ass was completely flustered.

這並不是我最得意的時刻，但效果還不錯，因為湯姆那傢伙完全慌了手腳。

"I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Keep the damn shoes out of the dryer. You guys are assholes."

「我不知道你在說什麼。別把鞋子放進烘乾機裡你們這些混蛋。」

And that was the first and last conversation that I had with our neighbor Tom.

這是我和鄰居湯姆的第一次也是最後一次談話。

Me and Brewer moved out shortly afterwards and Tom was free to do whatever crazy-ass shit he wanted, without having to worry about any prying ears.

不久之後，我和布魯爾搬了出去，湯姆就可以自由地做他想做的任何瘋狂的事了，無需擔心任何耳目。

So Tom, on the off chance that you're watching this shitty little cartoon, I just want to apologize for being such a shitty upstairs neighbor.

湯姆，如果你正在看這部爛卡通片的話，我只想為我這個糟糕的樓上鄰居道歉。

I know we should have been quiet and should have let you sleep and you know, instead of yelling down the vent, I should have, I don't know, fucking whispered words of encouragement.

我知道我們應該保持安靜，應該讓你睡覺，你知道，我不應該在通風口大喊大叫，我應該，我不知道，他媽的低聲鼓勵的話。

"Way to go, Tom. You can do it."

「幹得好，湯姆，你能做到的。」

Just know that you did traumatize my ass quite a bit in return and every time I hear two fucking dogs fighting underneath a table, I can't help but think of your bald ass.

作為回報，請知道你確實對我造成了很大的傷害，每次我聽到兩隻該死的狗在桌子底下打架時，我都會情不自禁地想起你這個禿頭男。

The end.

終。