Name: 吳君如 - 辣妹印象 (Sabrina Wu - Hot Girl Impression)
Uploaded: 2024-04-12T18:35:21.000Z
Duration: 7 min 13 s

Hey everybody, I have some impressions for you all.

大家好，我給大家帶來了一些印象。

好吧，第一印象，那是個鷹女在拉屎。

至於我最後的印象，別說了，夥計們，那根本不算什麼。

No, stop, I've literally never done that before.

不，別說了，我還真沒這麼幹過。

No, I spent a lot of time alone in my room learning how to do that.

不，我花了很多時間獨自在房間裡學習如何做到這一點。

Growing up, I was like, oh my God, oh my God, I can't be like every other Asian person.

在成長過程中，我一直在想，天哪，天哪，我不能像其他亞洲人一樣。

So I forced myself to become every Asian dude from California.

於是，我強迫自己變成加利福尼亞州的每個亞洲人。

I have so much racial self-hatred and like, of course I do.

我有太多的種族自我憎恨，我當然有。

In the United States, there is a critically acclaimed, widely taught children's book, I was forced to read nine million times, Tiki Tiki Tembo.

在美國，有一本廣受好評、廣為傳授的兒童讀物，我被迫讀了九百萬遍，那就是《忻忻滕博》。

The first sentence of that book is, there once was a Chinese boy named Tiki Tiki Tembo, no saw Rembo, Cherry Berry Ruchi, Pit Berry Pembo.

這本書的第一句話是：從前有一箇中國男孩，名叫忻忻天寶。No saw Rembo、Cherry Berry Ruchi、Pit Berry Pembo。 

I have a Chinese brother, his name is Kevin.

我有一箇中國哥哥，他叫凱文。

And when this white author was confronted by it, she was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I don't speak Chinese. I just wrote down what I heard my neighbor say."

而當這位白人作家面對它時，她就會說，天哪，我很抱歉，我不會說中文。我只是記下了我聽到鄰居說的話。 

So we're going to do a group experiment, where I'm going to say real Chinese, and then at some point I'm going to switch to not quite Chinese.

所以，我們要做一個小組實驗，我先說真正的中文，然後在某個時候換成不完全的中文。

But I won't tell you when, you tell me when.

但我不會告訴你什麼時候，你得告訴我什麼時候。

(Speaking in Chinese) Hello, my name is Wu Junyi. I love eating watermelon.

大家好，我叫吳俊毅。我喜歡吃西瓜。 

(Speaking in Chinese) And I heard this book is called Tiki Tiki Tembo, No Saw Rembo, Cherry Berry Ruchi, Pit Berry Pembo.

我聽說這本書叫《蒂基蒂基滕博》、《無鋸雷姆博》、《櫻桃漿果魯奇》、《皮特漿果彭博》。是啊 

I've told that joke a million times. You are the first group that has gotten it.

這個笑話我已經講過無數次了。你們是第一批得到它的人。 

So now I have this, now I have this complex where I'll do anything.  I feel so bad about myself.

所以，現在我有了這種情結，我願意做任何事。我覺得自己很糟糕。 

I'll do anything to get a white person to like me. Like I've learned crazy, like how to beatbox. Tell me, tell me, why the f*** do I know how to do this?

為了讓白人喜歡我，我願意做任何事。就像我學會了瘋狂，比如如何打拳。 告訴我，告訴我，我怎麼會知道怎麼做？ 

Thirteen? Thirteen years old, I could do this?

I was in a closeted, label-less relationship with this white Jewish woman, who a year into our relationship was like," I love you so much, you mean the world to me, do you want to be my squirrel friend?"

我曾與一位猶太白人女子保持著一段不公開、無標籤的關係，我們交往一年後，她說："我非常愛你，你對我來說就是整個世界，你想成為我的松鼠朋友嗎？

She said squirrel friend, because girlfriend was too scary.

她說是松鼠朋友，因為女朋友太嚇人了。

And I, instead of being like, goth, I went...

而我，而不是像，哥特，我去...

So I don't have like a lot of gay pride. I have a lot of gay regret. I realized I was like transmasc.

所以我沒有太多同志的自豪感。我有很多同志的遺憾。 我意識到自己就像變性人一樣。 

Like last year, I identify as non-binary. I take they them.

和去年一樣，我的身份是二進制。我把他們帶走了。 

And every morning I look in the mirror and I'm like, "Oh my god, am I seriously the same gender as Demi Lovato?"

每天早上我照鏡子的時候都會想，天哪，我真的和黛米-洛瓦託的性別一樣嗎？

And I'm just like complaining. When is the fun part of all this?

我就像在抱怨。什麼時候才是這一切的樂趣所在？ 

Because I tried coming out and that was, I was like, I came out to my dad, I was like, "Hey, I'm trans."

因為我試過出櫃，我就像，我向我爸爸出櫃，我就像，嘿，我是變性人。

This moment could have really been about me, but it was really, it really became about him.

這一刻可能真的是關於我的，但它真的是，它真的變成了關於他的。

I was like, "You know, I'm thinking about taking tea."

我當時想，你知道，我在考慮喝茶。

And he went, "Oh, oh, you don't like your body? Well, well, do you think I like my face? Do you think I like my skin, my eyes?"

他說，哦，哦，你不喜歡你的身體？你覺得我喜歡我的臉嗎？ 你覺得我喜歡自己的皮膚和眼睛嗎？ 

I had to pause coming out to be like, "No, dad, don't be sad. You're so sexy."

我不得不暫停一下，說 "不，爸爸，別難過"。你真性感 

And then the whole conversation was him being like, "I wish you were normal," which is, sorry.

然後整個對話都是他在說 "我希望你是正常人"，也就是 "對不起"。

When he let my Chinese grandma raise me, she taught me weird. I was very weird.

當他讓我的中國奶奶撫養我時，她教了我很多奇怪的東西。我很奇怪。 

She raised... she would whisper in my ear at eight years old, she'd go, 'You want to know why white people are in wheelchairs?

我八歲時，她就在我耳邊說，你想知道為什麼白人坐輪椅嗎？

Because those____ were shorts in the winter."

And she would say that to get me to wear at least two pairs of pants every day to school. Jeans over jeans. I was like, like the stiff legged freak.

她這麼說是為了讓我每天至少穿兩條褲子上學。牛仔褲套牛仔褲 我就像個腿腳僵硬的怪胎。 

Everyone made fun of me. You can't feel bad for me. I was a serial killer.

每個人都取笑我。你不能為我感到難過。 我是個連環殺手 

I'd walk in like, "You laugh at me now. We'll see who's laughing when one of us is in a wheelchair."

我一走進去，你就會嘲笑我。等我們中有人坐輪椅了，看誰還笑得出來。 

從字面上看，我一直都是如此冷酷無情。

It's a problem. I'm in the world's worst rivalry.

這是個問題。我是世界上最糟糕的對手。 

大學時，我上過一門講故事的課。

For a field trip, we went to a moth story slam. I performed.

在一次實地考察中，我們去聽了飛蛾故事大講堂。我表演了 

A girl in the class went up right after me.

班上的一個女孩緊跟著我走了上去。

She won the whole thing. For the rest of the year, everyone was obsessed with her.

她贏得了整個比賽。在接下來的一年裡，每個人都為她著迷。 

Everyone was like, she's going to be famous. She's such a good performer.

大家都說，她一定會成名的。她是個出色的表演者。 

I said, "I'm the one who's going to be famous. I'm the good performer."

我說，我才是那個要出名的人。我是優秀的表演者。 

It's been six and a half years, and I'm... Look, JFL is a huge honor.

六年半過去了，我...聽著，JFL 是一項巨大的榮譽。 只是... 

It's just that that girl is literally the United States Youth Poet Laureate, Amanda Gorman.

那個女孩就是美國桂冠青年詩人阿曼達-戈爾曼（Amanda Gorman）。

Canadians, if you don't know her, she was this poet who performed at the presidential inauguration.

加拿大人，如果你不認識她，她是一位在總統就職典禮上表演的詩人。

And people sort of say that she united the country.

人們會說，她讓國家團結了起來。

Michelle Obama said she changed her life.

米歇爾-奧巴馬說她改變了自己的生活。

She hosted the Met Gala. She's been on the cover of Vogue.

她主持了大都會晚會。她登上過《時尚》雜誌的封面。 

If she becomes a staff writer on Big Mouth, I'm telling myself!

如果她成為《大嘴巴》的編劇，我就告訴自己

You know, she's running for president in 2036. She's going to be president.

你知道，她要競選2036年的總統。她要當總統了 

And she would say that in college. She'd be like, "You know, maybe one day I'll be the first black woman president."

她在大學裡也會這麼說。她會說，也許有一天我會成為第一位黑人女總統。 

I was like, "That's pretty confident. That's really confident."

我當時就想，這可真是自信滿滿啊。真是自信滿滿。 

Because when I was in college, my big dream, I was like, "Maybe one day I could be like an Asian Jack Black."

因為當我還在上大學時，我最大的夢想就是，也許有一天我能成為亞洲的傑克-布萊克（Jack Black）。

Anyways, do you guys think that when Malala got really famous, there was also someone in the back? Like, ugh!

總之，你們覺得馬拉拉真正出名的時候，背後是否也有人在支持？就像，唉！ 

我是 Serena Wu。再見。 非常感謝。 