I actually made a documentary about learning Chinese to do stand up comedy in Mandarin.

實際上，我還拍了一部紀錄片，講述我學習中文，用國語表演單口喜劇的故事。

So I had to do all these challenges to help me learn the language.

我不得不接受所有這些挑戰，以幫助我學習語言。

So one of the things I did was I got a job for a month in a Chinese restaurant.

所以我做的一件事就是在一家中餐館找了一個月的工作。

Now you don't have to call it a Chinese restaurant there.

你不必稱那裡為中餐館。

It's just a restaurant.

就是一家餐廳。

But just so, you know, I was a yin bing yuan, right?

但是，你要知道，我是迎賓員，對吧？

So I was a welcomer. OK?

所以我是歡迎員。

Customers would walk in and I would shout as loud as possible, "huān yíng guāng lín," right?

顧客走進來，我會盡可能大聲地叫喊：「歡迎光臨」。

Which means you're very welcome. OK?

意思是我們非常歡迎你。

It's not like a host, you know, it's not like how many people in your party because there's only one party in China.

它不像主辦人，你知道，它不像問你的派對有多少人，因為在中國只有一個黨派。

So it's more like that's right.

沒錯。

The jokes are gonna come hard and fast.

笑話會來得又快又猛。

The Asians approve.

亞洲人也贊同。

The Asians approve, just you know.

亞洲人也贊同。

The jokes are gonna come hard and fast, now you gotta...

笑話會來得又快又猛。

I know you weren't expecting bilingual comedy on a Tuesday night in New York, but that's what you're getting.

我知道你們不會期待在紐約的週二晚上看到雙語喜劇，但這就是你們要看到的。

Concentrate.

請專心。

Yeah, I know. Listen, unless you've been to China, you will not have seen this job.

是的，我知道。聽著，除非你去過中國，否則你不會看到這種工作。

The door opens you shout, "huān yíng guāng lín."

門開了你會打喊：「歡迎光臨」。

And of course, I was terrible at it because every day I'd be like, "huān yíng guāng lín," and the customers would be like, "Whoa, oh, you're Chinese is so good."

當然，我做得很糟糕，因為我每天說歡迎光臨，顧客們會說：「哇，哦，你的中文好好喔。」

And I would be like, "Why the fuck you speak in English?"

我心想：「那你他媽為什麼說英語？」

I would have thought if my Chinese was good, you would have spoken Chinese but they love it.

我以為如果我的中文說得好，你們就會說中文，但他們很喜歡這樣。

When a white guy could speak Chinese.

當一個白人會說中文的時候，

Like any white guy here, you could learn "nǐ hǎo" off "Dora the Explorer,"

這裡的任何白人，你學會說「你好」就像是愛冒險的朵拉一樣，

go to Beijing tomorrow be like, "nǐ hǎo," and they'd be like, "Whoa. Your Chinese is so good. You look like David Beckham."

明天去北京對他們說你好，他們就會說：「哇，你的中文很好。 你長得像是貝克漢誒。」

Now, I'm not saying I look like David Beckham, but for the record, in China, I look like David Beckham, just so you know.

我不是說我長得像貝克漢，但在中國，我看起來就像貝克漢，讓你知道一下。

And it makes me feel guilty because we do not get excited when they speak English.

這讓我感到內疚，因為當他們說英語時，我們並不會那樣興奮。

And I'm not talking about American born Chinese or Australian born Chinese.

我說的不是美國出生的中國人，也不是澳洲出生的中國人。

I'm talking about Chinese immigrants that are coming over here clearly struggling in their second language.

我說的是來到這裡的中國移民，他們的第二語言顯然很吃力。

We do not reciprocate the same awe. They'll be in Flushing–Main Street, Chinese person come up to me be like, "Excuse me, where subway?"

你知道，我們的回應不一樣，在美國法拉盛－緬街，中國人對我說：「不好意思，請問地鐵在哪裡？」

I'm never like, "Whoa. Oh your English is so good."

我從來不會說：「哇哦，你的英語說得太好了。」

No, I'm just like, "It's over there, and you're missing a verb."

不，我只是會說：「在那邊，而且你少了一個動詞。」

Not because I'm an asshole, by the way, that's the Chinese way.

順便說一句，我會這樣說不是因為我是個混蛋，中國人就是這樣。

Right?

對吧？

That's the Asian way.

這就是亞洲人的方式。

They're very direct. You know?

他們非常直接。

I missed that about China, honestly. The abruptness, you know, we're so easily offended here.

我很懷念中國這一點，這種唐突感，老實說，我們這裡的人太容易被冒犯了。

Everyone's so sensitive.

每個人都如此敏感。

Not a problem in China.

在中國這不是問題。

If it's in their head, it's coming out of their mouth.

如果有話在他們的腦子裡，就會從他們的嘴裡說出來。

Like, if you're fat in China, they'll just be like, "Whoa, you are so fat," and if you get offended, they'd be like, "Well, don't be fat. I don't understand.

比如，如果你在中國很胖，他們就會說：「你怎麼這麼胖」，如果你不高興，他們就會說：「那就別那麼胖了。我不明白。

You know, you don't have to be fat, right?"

你知道，你不一定要那麽胖，對嗎？」

They don't give a fuck.

他們才不在乎呢。

They think we have massive noses.

他們認為我們的鼻子很大。

You know, I never knew I had a big nose until I moved to China.

你知道嗎，在我去到中國之前，我從來不知道自己有一個大鼻子。

Every Chinese woman I met was like, "Whoa, your nose is huge."

我遇到的每個中國女人都說：「哇，你的鼻子很大耶。」

I had to tell them that is not a compliment in the west.

我不得不告訴他們，這在西方可不是恭維話。

I went for a massage one time.

有一次我去按摩。

This masseuse kept rubbing my nose every five minutes like a genie was gonna come out of my nostril.

這位按摩師每隔五分鐘就不停地揉我的鼻子，就像一個精靈要從我的鼻孔裡鑽出來。

She was like, "Oh my God, it's so big."

她說：「天哪，好大啊。」

I was like, "If you could say that at the end of the massage too, that would be great."

我想：「如果你能在按摩結束時也這麼說，那就太好了。」

It's a hand job joke, Lithuanian.

這是一個「手工」笑話，立陶宛人。

So they call us lǎo wài, right?

所以他們叫我們老外。

If you, if you go to China, you will be a lǎo wài.

如果你去了中國，你就會成為老外。

It means foreigner. Ok?

意思是外國人。

It's not a negative term.

這不是一個負面詞彙。

lǎo wài. You are a foreigner, right?

老外。你是外國人。

But what I've discovered is when they immigrate to the United States, they still call us lǎo wài.

但我發現，當他們移民到美國後，他們仍然叫我們老外。

Now you don't know, they're calling you a lǎo wài because you don't speak Chinese.

你不知道，他們說你是老外，因為你不會說中文。

When you go for Chinese food, they're calling you a lǎo wài.

當你去吃中餐時，他們會叫你老外。

But I know when I go for Chinese food because I'm like a spy.

但我去吃中餐時，我知道，因為我就像個間諜。

I speak Chinese.

我會說中文。

I'm like a balloon hovering over the restaurant.

我就像一個氣球，在餐廳上空盤旋。

I know what they're saying about us.

我知道他們在說我們什麼。

I catch them calling me a lǎo wài all the time.

我經常聽到他們叫我老外。

They'll be like, "Hey, those dumplings are for the lǎo wài."

他們會說：「嘿，那些水餃是給那個老外的。

I'll be like, "Hey, we're in America, you're the lǎo wài."

我說：「嘿，我們在美國，你們才老外。」

And they'd be like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We are the lǎo wài. Your Chinese is so good."

他們就說：「對，對，對，對，對，我們是老外，你的中文真好。」

This is all real, by the way, you know, I feel like sometimes people think I'm like making this shit up, but I really did live in China.

順便說一句，這都是真的，有時候人們會覺得我在瞎編，但我真的在中國生活過。

I ended up staying there for two years.

我在那裡待了兩年。

I loved it so much.

我非常喜歡那裡。

And I did this job for real.

我做這份工作是真心實意的。

You know, if you're bored one day, go on YouTube, "Breaking China", six-part series about my time in China.

你知道，如果有一天你覺得無聊，就上YouTube搜尋《打破中國》，這是一個關於我在中國的時光的六集系列節目。

Episode three is about my time in the restaurant.

第三集講的是我在餐廳的日子。

I actually went from Beijing to Heilongjiang on the border of Russia and I worked as a yin bing yuan every day, right?

實際上，我從北京到了俄羅斯邊境的黑龍江，每天都在那裡當迎賓員。

"Huān yíng guāng lín."

「歡迎光臨。」

And then three weeks into it, I had an amazing cultural experience.

三個星期後，我有了一次奇妙的文化體驗。

These two drunken Chinese guys walked in, I did my best, "Huān yíng guāng lín."

這兩個醉醺醺的中國人走了進來，我盡力說：「歡迎光臨。」

And then one of them really loudly in front of the whole restaurant goes, "Huān yíng guāng lín." and mocks my Chinese in front of the whole restaurant.

然後其中一個人當著全餐廳的面大聲說：「歡迎光臨」當著全餐廳的面嘲笑我的中文。

I was like, "Hold on a minute, buddy.

我說：「等一下，兄弟。

You cannot huān yíng guāng lín me.

你不能『歡迎光臨』我。

I'm the only white guy in this tiny tiny city of 1.3 million people.

我是這個擁有 130 萬人口的小城市中唯一的白人。

You cannot huān yíng guāng lín me. That's racist."

你不能『歡迎光臨』我。那是歧視。」

Yeah, because if I was in New York or Dublin and I walked into the Chinese restaurant and the welcomer was like, "Oh, you're very welcome."

是的，因為如果我在紐約或都柏林，我走進中餐館，迎面而來的是：「哦，非常歡迎您。」

And I went, "Oh, you're very welcome. Welcome to our restaurant."

我說：「哦，非常歡迎您。歡迎來到我們餐廳。」

I'd be arrested.

我會被逮捕的。

"So don't huān yíng guāng lín me, motherfucker."

「所以別『歡迎光臨』我，你個王八蛋。」

I'll tell you right now, buddy.

我現在就告訴你，兄弟。

You're lucky.

你很幸運。

You're lucky I'm a comedian because I would have been upset except the minute that you said that I couldn't help but think this story is gonna rip it, why don't I bring it to New York in 2023?

你很幸運我是一個喜劇演員，否則我會感到很沮喪，除非在你說出那句話的一瞬間，我不禁想到這個故事將會大獲成功，為什麼不在2023年把它帶到紐約呢？

So thanks to you.

多虧了你。

Thanks to you guys.

感謝你們各位。