So as you can see by my accent, I'm not from here.

從我的口音可以看出，我不是本地人。

I am from uh Mississippi.

我來自密西西比州。

It's an amazing country.

這是一個了不起的國家。

No, I am from Brazil.

不，我來自巴西。

I am Brazilian.

我是巴西人。

So yeah, I wax my vagina.

所以是的，我給陰道脫毛。

Thank you.

謝謝。

Yeah, I'm very proud.

是的，我非常自豪。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝。

I am uh 67 and, and Latino uh combination that is pretty fucking common, you know.

我 67 歲，是拉丁裔，這種組合很常見。

Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous.

是啊，真他媽荒唐。

When I hang out with my Latino friends.

當我和我的拉丁裔朋友一起玩時。

I look like I'm their leader.

我看起來就像他們的領袖。

I'm 67 because my father is Latino and my mom is Chewbacca too.

我今年 67 歲，因為我父親是拉丁裔，我母親也是楚巴卡。

She loves this joke, by the way, she loves this joke and she always laughs like that's my people.

她喜歡這個笑話，順便說一句，她喜歡這個笑話，她總是笑得像我的人一樣。

Don't believe that I, that I am Latino people.

不要相信我，不要相信我是拉美人。

Look at me think that I'm a drug dealer from Croatia.

看著我，以為我是克羅地亞來的毒販。

Oh I don't understand why it's because my passport says that I'm a Latino, but my accent says I'm Dracula.

哦，我不明白為什麼，因為我的護照上寫著我是拉丁裔，而我的口音卻說我是德古拉。

Maybe that's what people really don't believe that I am Latino.

也許這就是人們不相信我是拉丁裔的原因。

Let me tell you a story.

我給你講個故事吧。

I got an Uber the other day.

前幾天我打了一輛優步。

OK?

行嗎？

With an Asian lady.

和一位亞洲女士

She heard my accent on the phone.

她在電話裡聽出了我的口音。

She got a little curious to know where I was from.

她有點好奇，想知道我從哪裡來。

So she asked me, where are you from?

於是她問我，你從哪裡來？

And I said, I'm from Brazil, I'm Latino.

我說，我來自巴西，是拉丁裔。

And she said, no, you're fucking not.

她說，不，你他媽的不是。

You are fucking not.

你他媽的不是。

So, if you're Latino, prove it to me.

所以，如果你是拉丁裔，證明給我看。

So I rocked her.

於是我搖晃她。

Not dollars.

不是美元。

That I'm just kidding.

我只是在開玩笑。

Relax.

放鬆。

I'm just kidding.

我開玩笑的。

That's not true.

事實並非如此。

That's not true.

事實並非如此。

I'm just kidding.

我開玩笑的。

I stabbed her.

我刺傷了她

She's, she's dead, she's dead and we can all laugh.

她死了，她死了，我們都可以笑了。

It's OK.

沒關係。

I uh come from a tropical country.

我來自熱帶國家。

So of course, II I hate your fucking weather so much.

所以，我當然討厭你們這該死的天氣。

I hate your weather.

我討厭你的天氣。

I don't get it.

我不明白。

You know, I live in New York but it's incomprehensible.

你知道，我住在紐約，但這是不可理解的。

Oh, thank you.

哦，謝謝。

Yeah, I come from Brazil.

是的，我來自巴西。

I don't care.

我不在乎

It's New York.

這是紐約。

Fucking sucks.

真他媽爛

I, the other day was 30 degrees in New York.

我，前幾天紐約的氣溫是 30 度。

30 degrees like very cold next day, 40 degrees, much colder.

30 度，好像第二天很冷，40 度，更冷。

What the fuck is that?

這他媽是什麼？

What the fuck?

搞什麼鬼？

So then I scroll down on my phone and I saw this little information.

於是，我在手機上向下滾動，看到了這條小資訊。

40 degrees feels like a oh, so if it feels like 18, it's fucking 18.

40 度的感覺就像哦，所以如果感覺像 18 度，那就是他媽的 18 度。

What matters is what I feel.

重要的是我的感受。

Ok.

好的。

Not a number.

不是一個數字。

I'm trying to go out, I'm not trying to plant corn.

我是想出去，不是想種玉米。

So what matters is what I feel if you're a middle class and it feels like you are poor.

所以，重要的是，如果你是中產階級，卻感覺自己是窮人，那我的感受是什麼？

You are fucking poor though.

不過你真他媽窮。

Sorry, I uh I arrived here three years ago, still learning the language English is a very difficult language and you guys make English even more difficult than it should be.

對不起，我三年前來到這裡，還在學習語言 英語是一門非常難學的語言，而你們卻讓英語變得更加難學。

I don't know why I saw the other day a person saying, don't call me he or she call me.

我不知道為什麼前幾天看到有人說，不要叫我他或她。

They, and I was like, what the fuck?

他們，我當時想，什麼他媽的？

It took me three years to learn.

我花了三年時間才學會。

I am.

我就是

You are his.

你是他的

I worked very hard on this.

我為此付出了很多努力。

So change your gender.

那就改變你的性別。

But don't change your grammar.

但不要改變你的文法。

Please don't watch your grammar because it's confusing be whoever you want.

請不要注意你的文法，因為這很容易讓人混淆，你想做誰就做誰。

This is a free country and this is amazing.

這是一個自由的國家，這太不可思議了。

But this whole gender neutral program, it's called Fey for me.

但這個中性項目，對我來說叫 "費伊"。

You know, let me tell you a story.

我給你講個故事吧。

I invited a friend to have dinner at my house the other day and he was like, oh, I'm bringing a friend and I said, of course, bring him.

前幾天，我邀請一位朋友來我家吃飯，他說，哦，我要帶一個朋友來，我說，當然，帶他來吧。

He was like, no, no, no, no, no, bring down.

他說，不，不，不，不，不，放下。

So I bought a lot of food.

所以我買了很多食物。

What?

什麼？

OK, you are not.

好吧，你不是。

I bought briskets and pizzas and pastas and my friend showed up at my house with one person.

我買了牛腩、披薩和意大利麵，我的朋友帶著一個人出現在我家。

So I said, where are they?

所以我問，他們在哪裡？

And he said they are here?

他說他們在這裡？

So you tell them that they're gonna eat all of this fucking, of course, that's the other day.

所以你告訴他們，他們會把這些都吃掉 當然，那是後話了

A guy came up to me and he asked me, oh, you're from Brazil, you're from Brazil.

一個人走過來問我，哦，你來自巴西，你來自巴西。

I heard that Brazil is a, is a very violent country.

我聽說巴西是一個非常暴力的國家。

And I said, uh thanks for the information.

我說，呃，謝謝你的資訊。

I never thought I would learn something new at Wendy's.

我從沒想過能在溫迪餐廳學到新東西。

Yeah.

是啊

No wonder you're the employee of the month.

難怪你是本月最佳員工。

Travis.

特拉維斯

I'm sure that soon you're gonna be shining your talent at Arby's because you are amazing.

我相信，很快你就會在阿比餐廳大顯身手，因為你太了不起了。

I come from a violent country.

我來自一個充滿暴力的國家。

Brazil is a very violent country.

巴西是一個非常暴力的國家。

But let me tell you something, America.

但讓我告訴你，美國

America is also a violent country.

美國也是一個暴力國家。

It's just that our violence comes from different places yet we are poor.

只是我們的暴力來自不同的地方，但我們都很窮。

You are crazy.

你瘋了

We are hungry.

我們餓了

You are fucking insane.

你他媽瘋了

And knowing that you guys are crazy.

知道你們都瘋了

What do you do?

你是做什麼的？

You make guns legal?

你讓槍支合法化？

That's smart.

真聰明

I don now it's for protection.

我現在不知道這是為了保護自己。

It's because I need to protect what I own.

這是因為我需要保護我擁有的東西。

Have you noticed that people who say this are always the ones who don't own jack shit, protect what you own.

你有沒有注意到，說這些話的人總是那些什麼都不擁有的人，保護好你自己的東西吧。

Well, nobody wants your Toyota George.

沒人想要你的豐田喬治

Nobody wants to break into your house and steal your fax machine.

沒人想闖進你家偷你的傳真機。

I don't get it.

我不明白。

It's a violent country but it's not dangerous.

這是一個充滿暴力的國家，但並不危險。

It's completely different because I live in New York and people are like, oh New York is very dangerous.

這完全不同，因為我住在紐約，人們都說紐約很危險。

I have to be careful.

我必須小心謹慎。

It's dangerous.

這很危險。

It's very dangerous.

這是非常危險的。

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的

Go to Bolivia.

去玻利維亞

Let's see if we can find that it's not dangerous at all.

讓我們看看我們是否能發現它一點也不危險。

You know, sometimes I, I leave a comedy club at like three o'clock in the morning and I go home and I see a girl checking her phone on a dark corner by herself having a laugh and I come from a third world country.

你知道，有時候我凌晨三點離開喜劇俱樂部，回家時看到一個女孩在黑暗的角落裡看手機，一個人在笑，而我來自第三世界國家。

So every time I see this, I think I'm going to rob this bitch just to teach her a lesson.

所以每次看到這個，我就想我要去搶劫這個婊子，給她點教訓。

Ok?

好嗎？

Not dangerous.

不危險

No, you guys are just obsessed with violence.

不，你們只是沉迷於暴力。

You know you guys in this country, you guys shoot guns for fun.

你們知道，在這個國家，你們開槍是為了好玩。

That's fucking weird.

真他媽奇怪

MIT I was in Vegas the other day, ok?

麻省理工學院 我前幾天在拉斯維加斯，好嗎？

And my friend was like, you know what, let's shoot some guns.

我的朋友就說，這樣吧，我們來打幾槍。

And I said, OK, so who are we killing today?

我說，好吧，那我們今天要殺誰？

Which regime are we overthrowing?

我們要推翻哪個政權？

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, it's just for fun.

他就說，不，不，不，不，不，這只是為了好玩。

Oh, that's a pretty unique way to have fun because I've never heard a gunshot in my country.

哦，這可真是一種獨特的娛樂方式，因為在我的國家，我從未聽到過槍聲。

And I thought, wow, someone is having a great time.

我想，哇，有人玩得真開心。

Yeah.

是啊

Mhm.

嗯

Pop, pop, pop bachelor party.

單身派對

I don't get it.

我不明白。

You guys here are obsessed with serial killers, you know, have this obsession with serial.

你們對連環殺手很著迷 對連環殺手很著迷

I don't understand why you guys keep giving series and TV, shows to horrible people in this country.

我不明白為什麼你們總是把電視劇和電視節目送給這個國家的可怕的人。

You know, people like Jeff Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, you know, Ellen degeneres.

像傑夫-邦迪、傑弗裡-達默，還有艾倫-德萊尼茨。

I don't get why I don't understand, you know, serial killers.

我不明白為什麼我不理解，你知道，連環殺手。

They're just like comedians.

他們就像喜劇演員。

We are the same people.

我們是同一類人。

We both dream of having a special on Netflix.

我們都夢想著能在 Netflix 上推出特別節目。

We are the same people.

我們是同一類人。

It's the same thing.

都是一樣的。

It's the same.

都一樣。

I could never be a serial killer.

我不可能成為連環殺手

I have ad d it's too much planning, too much organizing, too much focus, you know, I can see myself killing a person spending the next four hours in the crime scene looking for my wallet.

我有一個廣告，它是太多的計劃，太多的組織，太專注，你知道，我可以看到自己殺了人花了四個小時在犯罪現場尋找我的錢包。

One guys, I'm still learning and that's the thing.

夥計們，我還在學習，這就是問題所在。

You know, I come here to this country to learn a lot and, uh, every day I learn something new.

你知道，我來這個國家是為了學到很多東西，每天我都能學到新東西。

Uh I, the other day when I arrived here, as soon as I got here, I remember a cab driver told me Mr Brazilian, you can say whatever you want in this country, but please don't use the N word.

呃，我，那天我剛到這裡，我記得一個計程車司機告訴我，巴西先生，在這個國家，你想說什麼都可以，但請不要說 "N "字。

Our people are going to kick your ass, but he never told me what the hand word was, right?

我們的人會狠狠揍你一頓，但他從沒告訴過我手勢是什麼，對吧？

What a fucking mystery.

真他媽是個謎

Hey, so the past three years I have been avoiding all worse than stars with the LA which is making my life pretty fucking hard.

嘿，過去三年裡，我一直在躲避洛杉磯所有比明星還糟糕的事情，這讓我的生活變得非常艱難。

The other day are very beautiful and strong man.

前幾天都是非常漂亮和強壯的男人。

Came up to me and he said, can I fuck your ass?

他走過來對我說，我能操你的屁股嗎？

And I was like, no, uh maybe it was a pleasure.

我當時想，不，呃，也許這是一種享受。

Thank you very much guys.

非常感謝你們。

Thank you.

謝謝。