How to say sorry when you've done that?

當你做了那件事後，該如何說對不起？

This is one of those things that's not if. It's when. Because we're all gonna do it.

這是其中一件不是「如果」，而是「何時」發生的事情。 因為我們都會經歷這件事。

In fact, Bishop Desmond Tutu wrote a book about forgiveness. And he said, "We are all broken." And from that brokenness, we hurt each other.

事實上，德斯蒙德·圖圖主教寫了一本關於寬恕的書。 他說：「我們都崩潰了。」 由於這種破碎，我們互相傷害。

And then he set up forgiveness as the healing path that we can take once it's happened.

然後，他將寬恕設定為我們的治癒之路。

So, it's going to happen and you've probably noticed it.

所以，它將會發生，你可能已經注意到了。

And probably you're dealing with something right now where just because of some brain cramp that got in your way and had you do something that hurts someone that you love.

也許你現在正在處理一些事情，只是因為一些大腦痙攣阻礙了你，讓你做了一些傷害你所愛的人的事情。

You know what? I hate this. Personally.

你知道嗎？ 我個人很討厭。

I love my wife so much. And I'm constantly doing stupid brain-dead kinds of things that have her feeling hurt.

我非常愛我的妻子。 我常常做一些愚蠢的、腦死的事情，讓她感到受傷。

I don't want to do it. You can probably relate, right?

我不想這麼做。你可能會有同感吧？

We don't want to hurt them but we do.

我們不想傷害他們，但我們還是傷害了他們。

So, acknowledging that, what can we do to make an appropriate apology?

那麼，意識到這一點，我們能做些什麼來做出適當的道歉呢？

To say that we're sorry? To convey that in a way that really is meaningful?

說我們對不起？ 以一種真正有意義的方式傳達這一點？

Do you remember when you're a little kid and you did something that hurt someone and your mom said, "What do you say?"

你還記得當你還是個小孩子的時候，你做了一些傷害別人的事情，你媽媽說：「你該說什麼？」

And you're like, "I'm sorry, gosh!"

然後你就說會說：「天阿，對不起！」

Alright? How does that come across? Yeah, that's not it.

對吧？ 這是怎麼回事？ 是的，不是這樣的。

So, five tips for you. And the first one is be sincere.

所以，給你五個建議。 第一個是真誠。

Okay? I know that you are because you're trying to find out a way to solve this.

我知道你是因為你正在努力尋找解決這個問題的方法。

Be sincere. That's superficial I just need to meet the requirement kind of approach is not going to fly, okay?

要真誠。這很膚淺，我只需要滿足要求，這種方法就行不通，好嗎？

And that usually makes it worse.

這通常會使情況變得更糟。

So it has to come from the most sincere place in your own heart and mind.

所以它必須來自你自己內心最真誠的地方。

That you really care about this issue and you want to make it right. Be sincere.

你真的關心這個問題並且想要解決它。 要真誠。

Tip number 2. Be specific.

提示 2：具體。

So, it's not just, "I am so sorry." Okay, that's sincere, right? But it's not specific. Sorry for what? Yeah.

所以，這不僅僅是「我很抱歉」。 好吧，這很真誠，對吧？ 但這並不具體。 為什麼要對不起？

So, you get to come to terms with the boneheaded thing that you did.

所以，你必須接受你所做的愚蠢的事情。

And be very specific about that. Now that leads to tip number 3 and let's talk about these two together.

並且要非常具體。 現在引出了第三個技巧，讓我們一起討論這兩個技巧。

Because being sincere has to be tied to number 3, focus on the person who was hurt.

因為真誠必須與第三點連結在一起，所以要注意受傷的人。

Not you. Alright?

不是你。 好吧？

So, "I'm sorry that I am such an idiot." No. That's specific, it's not very sincere actually.

所以，「我很抱歉我是個白痴。」 不，這具體，但其實不太真誠。

It's really more self-deprecating. Be sincere and focus on the person who was hurt.

這更像是自嘲。 要真誠並關注受傷的人。

"I am so sorry that I caused you to be late for that important meeting."

「我很抱歉讓你在那個重要的會議上遲到了。」

Okay? Now that is both specific and sincere, alright?

好嗎？這樣具體又真誠。

Specific and sincere and it's focused on the person who was hurt. Those are the first three tips. Number 4 is going to help too.

具體、真誠，關注的是受傷的人。 這是前三個技巧。 第四點也會有幫助。

Stay in front of your but. Spell B-U-T, Alright?

「但是」之後的話不要說出口。拼 B-U-T，但是。

"But" shows up and gets in our way sometimes. Well, I'm really sorry that I did that "but". Now what's coming next?

「但是」有時會出現並妨礙我們。 嗯，我真的很抱歉我這麼做了「但是」。 接下來會發生什麼事？

Yeah, some kind of a justification or shifting the blame to someone else.

是的，某種正當理由或將責任推給別人。

You got to stay in front of your but. And what that means is, when you hear the but coming in your own mind, stop, pause, zip it at that point.

你必須停留在「但是」以前，這意味著，當你聽到「但是」出現在你自己的腦海中時，停下來，暫停一下，在那一點上壓縮它。

Stay in front of whatever you say before the but, okay?

不管你在「但是」之前說什麼，都停在那就好，好嗎？

So, "I am really sorry that I caused you to be late for that important meeting." If you say but, you just spoiled the whole thing.

「我真的很抱歉讓你在那個重要的會議上遲到了。」 如果你說但是，你就破壞了整件事情。

And you took the focus off of the person who is hurt in the first place.

你先將注意力從受傷的人身上轉移開。

And it's coming back to "But you didn't tell me that you needed to be there by then or you did this or that that caused me to do whatever that causes us to be late."

又回到了「但是你沒有告訴我你當時需要到那裡，或者你做了這個或那個導致我做了任何導致我們遲到的事情。」

No. Don't go there. Stay in front of your but.

不，別說那些。不要說但是。

And then tip number 5. I'll review all of these here in just a second.

然後是提示 5。我將在一秒鐘內回顧所有這些內容。

Tip number 5. When it's appropriate, offer to share what you have learned or what your commitment is moving forward.

提示 5：在適當的時候，主動分享你所學到的知識或你正在推進的承諾。

So, in addition to saying you're sorry in a sincere and specific way that focuses on the person who's been hurt, you're staying in front of your but and you're showing them that you are bright enough and attentive enough to learn from your mistakes,

因此，除了以真誠和具體的方式向受傷的人表示歉意之外，你還要禁止說但是，向他們展示你足夠聰明、足夠專注，可以從你的錯誤中學習，

so that as you move forward it's less likely that it's going to happen again.

這樣，往後這種情況再次發生的可能性就會降低。

So, can you picture how that could play out?

那麼，你能想象一下會有什麼結果？

You give your sincere specific apology focused on the person who is hurt staying in front of your but.

你向受傷的人表達真誠的、具體的歉意。

And then you say something like, "You know what I've really learned from this is that I need to track a little better what other people are doing. And not get so caught up in my own thoughts.

然後你會說，「你知道我真正從中學到的是，我需要更好地追蹤其他人在做什麼。而不是太陷入自己的想法。

Because I want to be there for you in the future. You can count on me moving forward to not repeat that mistake. I really don't want to hurt you."

因為我想在未來的日子裡一直在你身邊。 你可以指望我繼續前進，不會再犯同樣的錯誤。 我真的不想傷害你。」

Do you see how that could possibly help you to not only do an appropriate apology but to take some important steps forward in building this relationship in a powerful and healthy way?

你是否認為這不僅可以幫助你做出適當的道歉，還可以幫助你採取一些重要步驟，以強大和健康的方式建立這種關係？

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如果你是這個頻道的新用戶，請按一下「訂閱」。 我們每天都會發布新影片。 明天見。