Now look, I am not a relationship expert.

聽著，我不是戀愛專家。

Go ask my girlfriend. She would definitely agree.

去問我女朋友吧。她肯定會同意的。

"Hey, Clark, watch your own videos."

「嘿，克拉克，看看你自己的影片吧。」

But I am honest and I've read 50 to 100 books on the subject because I think it's infinitely fascinating, isn't it?

但我是誠實的，我讀過 50 到 100 本關於這個主題的書，因為我認為它有無窮的魅力，不是嗎？

How about three of the best tips I've ever heard on relationships.

以下是我聽過關於人際關係的三個最好的建議。

Right off the bat, one of the best tips is avoid getting into a relationship in the first place.

最好的祕訣之一就是避免一開始就談戀愛。

Let me explain.

讓我來解釋一下。

Here's something scary.

這裡有一件可怕的事。

A lot of relationships seem to just be based on momentum.

許多關係似乎只是建立在動力上。

"Oh, he talked to me. So I guess we're going out."

「哦，他和我說話了，所以我猜我們要約會了。」

"Oh, we went out so I guess we'll start dating."

「哦，我們約會過，所以我猜我們要開始交往了。」

"Oh, we're dating, I guess we'll move in together."

哦，我們在約會我猜我們會搬到一起住

"Oh, we moved in together, that means we should date, uh, until we're married."

「哦，我們搬到一起了，這意味著我們應該交往，直到我們結婚。」

"Oh, now we're engaged, we'll get married and have kids and then whatever."

「哦，現在我們訂婚了，我們會結婚、生孩子，之類的。」

So many times we base our who, like who we're gonna marry, who we're in a relationship from, on momentum.

很多時候，我們基於動力來決定我們將要嫁給誰，我們與誰建立關係。

And it's these three reasons you should be very careful for, of just letting the momentum sweep you away.

有三個原因你應該非常小心，不要讓動力把你沖走。

So, for our first point, it's avoid these three reasons right here.

因此，對於我們的第一點，就是避免這三個原因。

I got these from an article written by Mark Manson.

我得到這些信息是來自馬克·曼森（Mark Manson）寫的一篇文章。

Mark's article synthesized 1500 married couples advice for relationships.

馬克的文章綜合了1500對已婚夫妻對於關係的建議。

Here are the three wrong reasons to marry someone or stay in a relationship with them.

以下是嫁給某人或與某人保持關係的三個錯誤原因。

You are marrying someone to make you less lonely.

你和某人結婚是為了讓你不再孤單。

You got pressured into it.

你是迫於壓力才這麼做的。

Friends, family.

朋友、家人

That's what everyone else is doing.

其他人都是這麼做的。

My biological clock's running out so I might as well get married.

我的年紀要到了，所以我也不妨結婚。

I'm tired of dating. So, you know, I guess that'll do.

我厭倦了約會。所以，你知道，我想他們會做的。

And the third is thinking love is the only thing that matters.

第三種是認為愛是唯一重要的東西。

Now. This is very interesting.

現在這非常有趣。

It's actually our next point and I don't mean to crush the hopes and dreams of all the hopeless romantics out there.

這其實是我們的下一個重點，我並不想粉碎所有無望的浪漫主義者的希望和夢想。

Love is important.

愛很重要。

It's also an ambiguous term.

這也是一個模稜兩可的術語。

You know, some people's definition of "they don't love me" is literally they're behaving in a way that's not 100% what I want all the time.

你知道，有些人對「他們不愛我」的定義是，他們的行為方式並不總是100%符合我的要求。

That's not love, that's control.

這不是愛，這是控制。

Most people's definition of love is very short-term.

大多數人對愛的定義是非常短期的。

It's very instant gratification.

這是非常即時的滿足感。

It's very obsessive.

這是非常痴迷的。

And what's scary is that, that is the first phase of love and then if that goes away or I guess runs out, people think that, "Oh my God, I made a mistake. I shouldn't be married," and they divorce.

可怕的是，那是愛情的第一階段，如果愛情消失了，或者我猜是耗盡了，人們就會想：「天哪，我犯了一個錯誤，我不該結婚，」然後就離婚了。

Or they split or they separate.

或是分開或是分居。

Here's the next point.

下面是下一點。

Some of the best relationship advice that I ever received: love is important, but it's half the battle.

我收到的一些建議中最好的之一是：愛很重要，但這只是戰鬥的一半。

You know what's crazy about love is that in love feeling that most people are going after and they want that to last like, happily ever after for 50, 60 years, that actually occupies the same parts of the brain that light up as hard drugs.

你知道有趣的是，愛的感覺是大多數人追求的，他們希望這種感覺可以持續，像是幸福地過上50、60年，實際上它佔據了與硬毒品相同的大腦部分。

I'm not saying that in a bad way.

我並不是用一種貶低的方式來說。

I'm just saying that to put in perspective how like obsessive and addictive that can be if you've ever been in the first month, three months of a relationship and wondered, "Wow, why does it feel like I'm obsessed with this person?" because it's like a hard drug.

我只是想用這個來看待一下，詮釋一下，如果你曾經在一段關係的開始的第一個月、三個月感到困惑，想著：“哇，為什麼我感覺自己像是迷戀上這個人了？”因為它就像一種強效藥物一樣。

No wonder we want that to last forever.

難怪我們希望它永遠存在。

And when that runs out, you know, we're looking around for that next hit, next hit, and I think that we mistake that in-love feeling right there as like if that's gone, then this thing is over to hell in a hand basket. I'm out of here.

當這種感覺消失的時候，我們就會四處尋找下一個目標，下下一個目標，我想我們會把這種戀愛中的感覺誤認為，如果這種感覺消失了，那麼這件事就完蛋了。我要走了。

What's also crazy about that in-love feeling is I was reading in some articles and books that it reduces the negative filtering in your brain.

這種戀愛的感覺還有一個很瘋狂的地方，那就是我在一些文章和書籍中讀到，它能減少大腦中的負面過濾。

So you literally put on rose colored glasses.

所以，你真的戴上了玫瑰色的眼鏡。

That's where that term comes from.

這就是這個詞的由來。

Meaning that you can overlook things that are red flags are huge, glaring flaws in someone or a potential partner because that in-love phase chemical is going on.

這意味著，你可以忽略一些東西，這些東西是某人或潛在伴侶身上巨大而明顯的缺陷，因為戀愛階段的化學反應正在發生。

It's like, again, you're on drugs.

這就好像，你又嗑藥了。

Yeah. Sure. He has a temper and a drinking problem and you know, he cheated on his last two girlfriends, but he just does something to me I can't explain.

是的，當然。他脾氣暴躁，有喝酒的問題，而且你知道，他在過去的兩個女朋友身上出軌，但他對我有一種我無法解釋的吸引。

Not seeing the logical parts or the logical flaws in someone is because literally that in-love phase is hi jerking your brain.

不看到某人的邏輯部分或邏輯缺陷是因為真的那個戀愛階段正在操縱著你的大腦。

So, where am I going with this?

那麼，我到底想說什麼呢？

Well, the second piece of advice that's the best out there is that love is half the battle, the other half is compatibility, and love and compatibility are not the same thing and you can't conflate the two.

第二個最好的建議是，愛情是成功的一半，另一半是兼容性，愛情和兼容性不是一回事，不能把兩者混為一談。

Sometimes you actually fall in love with people you are not compatible with or sometimes you're really compatible with people that, you know, you're not in love with.

有時候，你會愛上與你不相容的人，或者有時候，你真的與你不相愛的人相容。

And if you only go after this and you never prioritize the compatibility factor, when this fades away, you're gonna be left with someone that you're super incompatible with and no wonder that didn't work.

如果你只追求這一點，而從不優先考慮兼容性因素，那麼當這一點消失時，你就會和一個與你超級不相容的人在一起，難怪這一點行不通。

You want the truth?

你想要真相？

Fallen in love can be pretty easy.

墜入愛河可以很簡單。

The right circumstance, the right like environment, the right life settings, maybe the right amount of alcohol.

合適的環境、合適的氛圍、合適的生活設定，也許還有合適的酒量。

Why is it?

為什麼會這樣？

You look on reality shows that are based around love and there's people on there that are head over heels in love and then, you know, a month later they're falling apart.

你看那些以愛情為主題的真人秀節目，裡面的人都愛得死去活來，然後，你知道，一個月後，他們就分崩離析了。

Love is Blind on Netflix or something or The Bachelor is a good example because those manufactured situations, I don't doubt that they weren't in love.

Netflix 上的《盲婚試愛》或《鑽石求千金》就是一個很好的例子，因為那些人為製造的情境，我並不懷疑他們並不相愛。

Being in love is kind of easy; falling in love doesn't really take much skill and that's ok, that's not negative.

戀愛是相對容易的事情；墜入愛河並不需要太多技巧，而這沒有問題，這並不是一個負面的事實。

Love is abundant.

愛是豐富的。

I believe love is your natural state.

我相信愛是你的天性。

Love is what you want to give to people.

愛是你想要給予他人的東西。

Look, the main point is that you can fall in love with people that you're not compatible and it's hard to see it when you're in the weeds.

聽著，重點是，你可能會愛上與你格格不入的人，當你身陷其中時很難察覺。

But you know this. Have you ever seen your friends or family, and you're an objective, third-party point of view,

但你知道這一點。你有沒有見過你的朋友或家人，而你是客觀的、第三方的觀點，

so you look at them, they're with someone that's totally not good for them.

所以你看著他們，他們正在和一個跟他們完全不合的人在一起。

They're totally not compatible with.

它們完全不合。

And you're thinking, "What is going on? Show up to the family reunion with this?"

你會想，這到底是怎麼回事？

That's because you're not the one in love, so you can objectively see it.

而你想著：“怎麼回事？帶這樣的人參加家庭團聚？”

"Maybe not compatible." Does that makes sense?

"或許不太合適。"有道理嗎？

One of the most important things that when they survey happily married couples that comes up is the point that love is a choice.

在對婚姻幸福的夫婦進行調查時，最重要的一點就是：愛是一種選擇。

Just like you choose to get up and you go to the gym every day if you're a healthy person.

就像你選擇每天起床去健身房一樣。

You've made that commitment, it's a choice. Just like some people say happiness, it's actually a choice.

一旦你做出了那個承諾，這是一種選擇。就像有些人說幸福實際上是一種選擇一樣。

Just like we talk about on this channel that your beliefs create reality.

就像我們在這個頻道上談論的一樣，你的信念創造現實。

That is a choice.

這是一種選擇。

You can choose beliefs that influence your actions and influence your reality.

你可以選擇影響你的行動和影響你的現實的信念。

Love is a choice.

愛是一種選擇。

Commitment is a choice.

承諾是一種選擇。

Not look for something better in a world that, you know, there's just endless options.

而不是在這個世界上尋找更好的東西，你知道，這個世界上有無窮無盡的選擇，

One app away that's literally conditioned everyone to just swipe swipe, swipe, swipe swipe, something better is on the way, something better is on the way, something better is on the way.

只需一個應用程式，這實際上已經讓每個人都習慣了不斷地左右滑，滑，滑，滑，以為更好的人即將到來。

I don't know. If you're always looking for the next thing that's better, maybe we'll just have 53 month relationships and they'll feel kind of shallow.

我不知道。如果你總是在尋找更好的下一個人，也許我們只會擁有53個月的感情關係，而這感覺可能會有點淺薄。

Look, do whatever you want.

聽著，你想做什麼就做什麼。

I'm not judging you.

我不是在評判你。

I'm not lecturing you here.

我不是在教訓你。

But if what you really want is that lasting long term, remember that love and compatibility are two different things.

但如果你真正想要的是長久的愛情，請記住，愛情和相容性是兩碼事。

And that really brings us to our last piece of advice.

這就是我們的最後一條建議。

I saved the best for last.

我把最好的留到了最後。

Again, in the world where there's endless options, one swipe away.

在這個有無窮選擇、只需一滑之隔的世界中，

I think we're conditioned to look for the right person.

我認為我們習慣於尋找合適的人。

Can you hear that?

你聽到嗎？

I just haven't found Mr. Right.

我只是還沒找到真命天子。

I haven't found the one.

我還沒找到。

I haven't found anyone who matches my energy or my style or my needs or my bucket list.

我還沒找到任何一個能夠匹配我的能量、風格、需求或遺願清單的人。

So here's the thing that's crazy.

這就是瘋狂的地方。

My whole view on relationships shifted in one sentence.

有一句話改變了我對關係的整個看法。

You know what that was?

你知道那是什麼嗎？

Stop trying to look for the right person and start training to become the right person because here's the thing.

停止尋找合適的人，開始訓練成為合適的人，因為事情就是這樣。

Tens, attract tens.

十分的人吸引十分的人。

I don't just mean looks wise, I mean, energetically, lifestyle wise, communication wise, value wise, job wise, social circle wise and you don't attract what you want.

我指的不僅僅是外表，還有能量、生活方式、溝通、價值觀、工作、社交圈，這些都會讓你無法吸引到你想要的人。

I believe you attract who you are. When you raise yourself up, this is control.

我相信你吸引的是與你相似的人。當你提升自己，這是可掌控的。

You can control and work on yourself. When you raise yourself up to like a level eight or nine or whatever arbitrary number you want to get to and you used to be out of five, don't you think your options are gonna be better?

你可以掌控並努力改進自己。當你把自己提升到八或九這樣的水平，或者無論你想要達到的任何任意數字，你不認為你的選擇會更好嗎？

Don't you think the people you attract into your life that come into your life are gonna be better?

難道你不認為你吸引到你生活中來的人會更好嗎？

Absolutely.

當然。

It doesn't take rocket science.

這不需要複雜的火箭科學。

And again, maybe we're raised to think that we deserve anyone, anytime, anywhere without actually working on ourselves, which is why I'm so passionate about this kind of inner work that we talk about on this channel and that I know you're into as well.

而且，也許我們被教育成認為我們隨時隨地都應該得到任何人，而不需要實際上努力改進自己，這就是為什麼我對這種我們在這個頻道上談論的內在工作充滿熱情的原因，而我知道你也是這樣的。

I think it's one of the best things you can do to attract people into your life: working on yourself.

我認為，通過自己的努力來吸引他人進入你的生活，是你能做的最好的事情之一。

I was watching this interaction on YouTube.

我看到 YouTube上一個互動影片。

It was like one of those viral clips from a podcast or something.

是那種來自播客或其他節目爆紅的影片片段之一。

And this guy who was a dating relationship coach was talking to this woman.

這位約會關係教練正在和這位女士哈拉。

He was talking about this same issue, how she couldn't find Mr Right.

他在談論這個相同的問題，她找不到合適的對象。

He was asking her, "Okay, well, what, who is Mr Right?"

他問她：「好，那麼，你的理想型是怎樣？」

And she had a list.

她有一份清單。

She said he's over 6 ft tall, he makes over six figures a year, he's got a six-pack and he owns a house.

她說身高要超過6英尺，年收入超過六位數，有一副六塊腹肌，而且擁有一棟房子。

And the dating coach is like, "Wow, that's a tall order man. Let me ask you this, what does he get in return?"

而約會教練就說：「哇，這是一個高標準的要求，朋友。讓我問你，他可以得到什麼回報？」

And she was like, "Well, um," he was pretty ruthless.

她說：「嗯，」他很直接無情。

He kind of tore her apart.

他完全不給他面子。

But the key message there was stop trying to demand something that you're not willing to give up.

但其中的關鍵資訊是，不要再試圖要求一些你不願意放棄的東西了。

Like attracts like and look, this is both men, women.

物以類聚，人以群分。

Let's just say you attract someone who's like a 10 up here while maybe we're a five.

假設你吸引了一個10分的人，而我們可能是五。

Internally, you're gonna be like, "Yes, I lucked out. I did it."

內心而言，你可能會想：「讚拉，我真是幸運。我成功了。」

And then maybe over the long term, you're gonna feel insecure that they're gonna leave you because they're out of your league or worthiness issues come up now: you don't deserve them.

而且也許在長期內，你會感到不安，因為他們可能會離開你，因為他們超出了你的水平，或者出現了價值觀念的問題：你不值得擁有他們。

Something I see super common here is with men, they go online for this dating and pick up advice.

我看到的一個非常常見的情況是，男人們會上網尋找約會和搭訕的建議。

OK?

對嗎？

And hey, look, nothing wrong there, trying to better yourself in the dating field.

嘿，聽著，在約會領域努力提升自己並沒有錯。

You know, you want to know what to say.

你知道，你想知道該說什麼。

It sucks getting rejected.

被拒絕的感覺糟透了。

So that pain drives you to obsess over like these lines or, or, ok, how do I interact with women?

這種痛苦驅使你糾結於這些臺詞，或者，好吧，我該如何與女性互動？

I work with some of these guys.

我和這些人中的一些人合作。

To have very attractive women, now these guys go out into uh you know, bars or they meet these women and you know, they, they date them.

為了吸引非常有吸引力的女性，現在這些人會去酒吧或與這些女性相遇，然後與她們約會。

But then something interesting happens to them.

但有趣的事情發生了。

Now that they got this woman or they attracted this woman, they feel like a phony because they used all the lines and all the gimmicks to get this person.

現在他們得到了這個女人或吸引了這個女人，他們感覺自己是個偽君子，因為他們使用了所有的臨場發揮和花招來得到這個人。

And so now they have a different block which is a worthiness block or an authenticity block or a self doubt block because they're like,

現在他們有了一個不同的阻礙，這是一個自我價值的阻礙，或一個真實性的阻礙，或者是一個自我懷疑的阻礙，因為他們會想著：

"Wow, did I get this person? Does she like me or did she like the lines I just regurgitated off that YouTube video."

「哇，我是不是得到了這個人？她是不是喜歡我，還是她只是喜歡我剛剛從YouTube視頻上背出來的臨場發揮？」

Did I get this person on the date? Like because I'm here and was just the witty pickup line I saw on a TikKok video of send these lines to this girl and she'll go on a date with you.

我是不是因為我在這裡，只是因為我在TikTok上看到的那條俏皮的搭訕語，或者是發送這些語句給這個女孩，她就會和你約會。

And same thing works in reverse; all these games that we play all the worthiness blocks, all those doubts go away when you stop playing the games altogether when you drop them and stop trying to like fake your way into confidence or fake your way into looking like a 10.

同樣的情況也適用於反過來；當你完全停止玩遊戲，放下所有的自我價值觀念和懷疑時，所有這些疑慮都會消失，當你停止試圖假裝自己充滿自信，或者試圖假裝自己看起來像個十分。

And you just focus on becoming the 10 and doing that inner work. Just like you don't need to Photoshop yourself if you just get to the gym and you lose the weight.

如果你只是專注於變得更好，進行內在的工作，就像如果你只是去健身房並減掉體重，你就不需要用Photoshop來修飾自己。

But again, we live in a society that doesn't want to put in the work.

但同樣，我們生活在一個不願付出努力的社會。

And now I'm like five points removed from the original point, real back in car.

現在我已經偏離了最初的點，回到主題。

Stop trying to look for the right person and start trying to become that right person.

停止尋找合適的人，開始努力成為那個合適的人。