Martin, are you ready?

Martin，準備好了嗎？

Let's do it, players.

開始吧各位玩咖！

Ozo, are you ready? - Yeah!

Ozo，準備好了嗎？- 準備好了！

Kicking off our new season of Stand-Up Revolution, you guys, is a friend of ours that we've been touring with for the last four months.

拉開我們新一季《單口喜劇》的序幕的事我們過去四個月以來一直一起巡迴演出的朋友。

Believe me when I tell you, this guy is a superstar in the making.

相信我，我告訴你，這傢伙正在成為超級巨星。

Coming to you all the way from South Africa, put your hands together, show your love for our friend, Mr. Trevor Noah.

從南非遠道而來，請雙手合十，表達對我們的朋友崔弗諾亞先生展現你們的愛。

I'm glad to be here, man.

我很高興來到這裡，兄弟。

This was my dream.

這是我的夢想。

My dream was to come to America.

我的夢想是來到美國。

You know, not, not for a job or money or anything.

你知道，不是為了工作或錢或任何東西。

I've got a great life back home.

我在老家生活得很好。

I always came here because I wanted one thing and that is I always wanted to be black.

我之所以來到這裡，是因為我有一個願望，那就是我一直想成為黑人。

I grew up in South Africa during a time known as Apartheid.

我在南非長大，那時是被稱為種族隔離的時期。

And for those who don't know, Apartheid was a law in the country that made it illegal for black and white people to mix.

對於那些不知道種族隔離制度的人來說，種族隔離制度是該國的一項法律，規定黑人和白人混居是非法的。

Which was awkward for me because I grew up in a mixed family.

這對我來說很尷尬，因為我是在一個混血家庭中長大的。

Well, with me being the mixed one in the family.

我是家裡的混血兒。

My mother's a black woman, South African, and my father's Swiss, from Switzerland.

我母親是南非黑人，父親是來自瑞士的瑞士人。

So he was a white man. Well, he still is. It's not like he changed.

所以他是個白人，現在也是。他沒有變。

I say that like, "Through hard work and determination, he became black." No.

我說的好像是「通過努力和決心，他成為了黑人。」不是。

That did not happen.

這並沒有發生。

And sir, you're fine.

先生，你很好。

I see the white guy going, "Is that possible?"

我看到那個白人說：「這有可能嗎？」

No, it's not possible. You are fine, sir. He's still very white. Very white.

不，這是不可能的。你很好，先生。 他還是很白，很白。

And so they got together, my parents. Black mom, white dad, which was against the law, but they didn't care.

於是他們把我的父母在一起，黑人媽媽，白人爸爸，這違反了法律，但他們不在乎。

They were Mavericks, you know?

他們是獨行俠。

Yeah, my mom was like, "Woo, I don't care. I want a white man! Woo!"

是啊，我媽媽就像「哦，我不在乎。我想要一個白人！」

And my dad was also, well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate, you know. So he was just...

我爸爸也是，你知道瑞士人有多愛巧克力吧。

He was in there.

所以他就在那裡。

So they got together then they had me, which was illegal.

所以他們在一起，然後生下了我，這是非法的。

So I was born a crime, which is something they never thought through because as a family, we didn't live together normally.

所以我一出生就是個罪犯，這一點他們從來沒有想過，因為作為一個家庭，我們沒有正常地生活在一起。

Like in the streets, my father had to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from far like a creepy pedophile,

比如在街上，我父親不得不走在路的另一邊，他會像個令人毛骨悚然的戀童癖一樣遠遠地向我揮手。

My mom could walk with me, but if the police showed up, she had to let go and act like I wasn't hers, every time.

我媽媽可以跟我一起走，但如果警察來了，她就得放手，每次都裝作我不是她的。

Like, [police siren], it's not mine, it's not mine!

像是，[警笛聲響] 他不是我的，不是我的！

Felt like a bag of weed.

我感覺就像一袋大麻。

And one fateful day, you know, because I was never given a race, I was never called black, I was never called white.

有一天，你知道，因為我從來沒有被歸類為哪一個種族，我從來沒有被稱為黑人，我從來沒有被稱為白人。

I had the privilege of meeting an American, and he said to me,

我有幸見到了一位美國人，他對我說：

"So, well, you know, Trevor, it's funny you say that 'cause if you come out to America, they'll label you as black."

「你知道嗎，崔弗，你這麼說很有趣，因為如果你到美國來，他們會給你貼上黑人的標籤。」

I said, "Really?"

我說：「真的嗎？」

He said, "Hell yeah! Everybody's black out there."

他說：「是啊，每個人都是黑人。」

And I was like, "Well, I want to be black. Yeah!"

我當時想：「好吧，我想成為黑人。」

I bought myself a plane ticket because I found out it's true.

我給自己買了張機票，因為我發現這是真的。

Mixed-race people are categorized as black in America.

混血兒在美國被歸類為黑人。

Yeah, the only catch is, you have to be successful first.

是的，唯一的問題是你必須先成功。

Before that, they call you mixed. Achieve success, and you get upgraded to black.

在此之前，他們稱你為混血兒。 取得成功，你就會升級為黑人。

All the famous mixed people have done it. Singers like Alicia Keys and Mariah Carey, mixed, but they say black, right?

所有知名的混血兒都是這樣。Alicia Keys 和 Mariah Carey 這樣的混血歌手，但他們說的是黑人，對嗎？

Tiger Woods, mixed, but they say black golfer.

老虎伍茲，混血兒，但他們說他是黑人高爾夫球員。

The most famous mixed person on the planet, Barack Obama, mixed, half and half.

地球上最有名的混血兒歐巴馬是混血兒。

But you say your first black president.

但你們說他是第一位黑人總統。

When he was running, he was the mixed candidate.

當他在競選的時候，他卻是一位混血候選人。

Now it seems obvious. People are like, "Yeah, he won."

現在看來很明顯。大家會說：「是啊，他贏了。」

Back then, nobody believed he would win.

在當然，沒人相信他會贏。

I remember comedians dissing him.

我還記得喜劇演員們對他的不滿。

They'd come and be like, "How many of y'all seen that mixed race fool running for president?

他們會說：「你們有多少人看檔那個混血笨蛋競選總統？

Y'all see that crazy ass mixed fool? How's some mixed fool gonna come in- even a black man can't win. This mixed fool thinks he gonna win. He gonna win shit.

你們都看到那個瘋狂的混血笨蛋了吧。怎麼會有混寫笨蛋，即使是黑人也贏不了，這個混血笨蛋。 他不可能會贏的。

Ain't no mixed fool- I ain't see no mixed fool coming out here winning the United States- That mixed fool. That mixed fool."

沒有混血傻笨蛋——我可沒見過哪個混血笨蛋跑到這裡來贏得美國——那個混血笨蛋，這個混血笨蛋。

And then he won, and all of a sudden they were like, "My nigga!"

然後他贏了，突然之間，大家就變成這樣「我的黑人兄弟。」

So I see...

我看到了...

And I wanted black.

我想成為黑人。

So I bought myself a plane ticket.

於是，我給自己買了一張機票。

Yeah, 18 hours of flying, that's what I had to sit through.

是啊，飛了18個小時，這就是我不得不忍受的。

18 hours of nonstop flying.

18 個小時的不間斷飛行。

I didn't sleep a wink.

我一夜未眠。

I sat on that plane and I watched every single black American movie and TV show I could find, just so I could practice being black.

我坐在飛機上，看完了所有能找到的美國黑人電影和電視節目，就是為了練習做黑人。

I was not gonna mess up that blackopportunity.

我可不想搞砸這個變成黑人的機會。

I just sat there, like a madman in my chair just like watching movies, practicing.

我就像瘋子一樣坐在椅子上，就像看電影練習一樣。

"Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah."

「是啊是啊，你懂我意思嗎？ 你懂我意思嗎？ 耶，耶。」

Oh, you laugh, but I landed. landed in Miami and I was fluent in my black American.

哦，你儘管笑，但我成功抵達了。抵達邁阿密，而我的黑人英文很流利。

For shizzle my nizza.

當然，我的朋友。

Yeah, I was so black, I was even laughing black. I was like, "Ha ha ha. Yeah! My man!"

是的，我太黑了。我甚至笑的方式都很黑人。 我是這樣：「哈哈哈。兄弟！」

I was super black! Until some guy came up to me and he was like, "Oye, Papi la llegamos!"

我是超級黑！直到有個人走過來跟我說：「（西語）哎呀，兄弟！」

18 hours of flying, and I still wasn't black.

18個小時飛行過後，我依然不是黑人。

I was Puerto Rican.

我是波多黎各人。

You guys have been great. Thanks for having me.

你們很棒。非常棒謝謝你邀請我。

Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going for Trevor Noah!

女士先生們，掌聲為崔弗催下去！

Woo! Oh my God. What a way to kick off our show, you guys.

我的天啊！這真是為我們的節目拉開序幕的好方式。

Our first show with Mr. Trevor Noah.

我們和崔弗先生的第一場演出。

Martin, Trevor Noah.

馬丁，崔弗諾亞。

Dude, it was amazing, brother.

太棒了，兄弟。

Did you see the women's response to Trevor.

你看到女性們對崔弗的迴應了嗎？

How many of you ladies find Trevor's accent incredibly sexy?

有多少女士覺得崔弗的口音非常性感？

How many of you guys found Trevor Noah's... Really Ozo?

你們中有多少人覺得崔弗諾亞.... 認真嗎Ozo？

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna hate on him, the way- ladies, you went crazy for him, I know.

我真心不騙。我不會恨他，女士們為他瘋狂，你們為他瘋狂，我知道。

He's a good-looking man.

我知道他是個帥哥。

I'm not gay, but if we were locked up, hell yeah.

我不是同性戀，但如果我們被關起來，那當然好。

Oh, you don't even know! I would tear his ass up to the Lion King soundtrack.

哦，你根本不知道！ 我會隨著《獅子王》的配樂把他屁屁（請自行想像）。

A good-looking dude!

帥哥一枚！

I gotta tell you guys, Trevor Noah has been on the road with Martin and I for like I said the last four months and he's a great friend and a funny, funny man.

我得告訴你們，崔弗諾亞在過去的四個月裡一直和我和馬丁在一起，他是個很好的朋友，也是個風趣幽默的人。

Any of the stories you guys might have heard about us in the past and the practical jokes, they've all been true. Especially when a new guy shows up.

你們過去可能聽說過的關於我們的故事和惡作劇，都是真的，尤其是當新人出現的時候。

You know, Trevor's a cool dude, you guys, but we couldn't wait to have fun with him.

特雷弗是個很酷的人，但我們迫不及待地想和他一起玩。

So let me tell you a quick story.

讓我給你講個小故事。

We were doing a show in a city called Eagle Pass in the state of Texas.

我們在德州一個叫Eagle Pass的城市做演出。

Now... We have some Tejanos in the house? What's up?

這裡也一些 Tejanos 嗎？ 你好嗎。

You're far from home, coño.

你離家很遠耶，（西語）女人。

So anyway, we're doing a show out in Eagle Pass, Texas.

總之，我們要在德州的 Eagle Pass做一場演出。

Now, I have a friend of mine named Rick Gutierrez, who's also a comic who was on last season who lives in San Antonio, Texas, which is about an hour or so away from Eagle Pass.

我有個朋友叫 Rick Gutierrez，他也是上一季的喜劇演員，住在德州的聖安東尼奧，距離 Eagle Pass 大概一個小時車程。

He bought a new car and he drove from Eagle Pass, I'm sorry, from San Antonio to Eagle Pass to meet up with his first show that night.

他買了一輛新車，從Eagle Pas開車，抱歉，從聖安東尼奧到Eagle Pas去迎接他當晚的第一場演出。

After the show was over, he says, "Hey, man," he goes, "You wanna leave a little bit early and we'll take my car and you can drive it, and the guys can catch up with us tomorrow in the tour bus."

演出結束後，他：「嘿，兄弟」他說道：「想早點離開，我們開我的車，你可以開它，那些人明天可以在旅遊巴士。」

So I'm like, "Cool, let's take off."

所以我想：「酷，我們起飛吧。」

So I tell Martin and Trevor and the rest of the guys, "I'll see you guys tomorrow night. I'm leaving with Rick."

所以我告訴馬丁，崔弗和其他人：「明晚見。我要和瑞克一起走。」

So we get in Rick's car and I get to drive.

於是，我們坐上瑞克的車，由我來開車。

We head to San Antonio.

我們駛向聖安東尼奧。

About 30 minutes into the drive, we start seeing flashing lights on the side of the freeway and then a big sign that comes up and it says "Immigration Checkpoint Ahead".

大約三十分鍾，我們開始看到高速公路邊上閃爍的燈光，然後出現一個大標誌，上面寫著「前方是移民檢查站」。

Don't worry, this story ends differently.

別擔心，故事的結局是不同的。

So anyways, I still get nervous, you know, I'm driving and I pull up to the line.

不管怎麼說，我還是會緊張，你知道，我開車，我把車停下。

And I'm sitting there and I'm just, I'm just waiting for the officer to say something that's gonna annoy the hell out of me.

我坐在那裡，我只是，我只是在等待警官說一些會讓我惱火的事情。

So I'm just waiting and here comes the officer, and when he saw me, he said, "Aw, Fluffy!"

我正等著，警官來了，他看見我就說：「哦，Fluffy。」

And when I heard that, in my mind, I was like, "I'm not going to jail."

當我聽到這句話時，我心裡想：「我不會進監獄了。」

He's like, "Dude, what are you doing here?"

她說：「老兄，你在這裡幹什麼？」

I said, "Well, we have a show tomorrow night in San Antonio, and we're just passing through."

我說：「我們明晚在聖安東尼奧有一場演出。而我們只是路過。」

"Where's your tour bus?"

「你的巡迴巴士呢？」

I said, "Well, my tour bus is back in Eagle Pass with the other guys."

我說：「我的巡迴巴士和其他人還在Eagle Pass。」

He goes, "Can we take a picture?"

他說：「我們能拍張照嗎？」

I go, "What about, you know, cars coming?"

我說：「汽車來了怎麼辦？」

He goes, "There hasn't been a car here in hours."

他說：「這裡已經好幾個小時沒車了。」

So we get out of the car, we take some pictures with the immigration officer and the dog, you know...

於是我們下了車，與移民官和狗拍了幾張照片。

We get back inside and he says, "Thank you so much for taking the picture with me. I really appreciate it, man. We're just bored right now."

我們進去，他說：「非常感謝你和我一起拍照。 我真的很感激，夥計。 我們現在只是很無聊。」

I go, "Really? You guys are bored?"

我說：「真的嗎？你們太無聊了？」

"Yeah, we're bored."

「是的，我們很無聊。」

I said, "Well, my tour bus is gonna be passing through here in about two hours."

我說：「我的巡迴巴士兩小時後就要經過這裡。」

And I said, "We have a new guy on the bus who's from South Africa and he's been bragging about his immigration status and how he never has problems with customs or immigration 'cause all of his paperwork is always in order.

然後我說：「我們車上新來了一個人，來自南非，他一直在吹噓他的移民身份，說他在海關或移民局從來沒有遇到過問題，因為他的所有文件都很齊全。

I'm just saying, you know, if you're bored."

我只是説說，如果你們覺得無聊的話。」

Next morning, you guys, I get a text from Trevor, okay?

隔天早上，我收到崔佛的簡訊。

You see how cool and calm he is. That text sounded mad.

你們也看到他有多冷靜和鎮定。這條簡訊聽起來很氣。

I just looked at it and it said, "You're a dick."

我看了一下，寫著：「你是個混蛋。」

I couldn't get to Trevor fast enough to hear the story, right?

我還沒來得及聽崔弗講他故事呢，對吧？

So Martin and I, we pull up to the theater, and we see Trevor, and he already told me in the car.

我和馬丁把車停在劇院門口，我們看到了崔弗，馬丁在車上已經告訴我了。

"Hey, dude, Trevor is mad."

「兄弟，崔佛很氣。」

I'm like, I see Trevor and I'm like, "Trevor, are you okay?"

我看到崔弗就說：「 崔弗，你好嗎？」

And he just went off.

他就這樣離開了。

"Gabriel, it was insanity, I tell you, it was insanity.

「Gabriel這簡直是瘋了。我告訴你，這簡直是瘋了。

They pulled me off the tour bus like I was a common criminal.

他們把我從兩個人身上拉了下來。好像我是個普通罪犯。

I wasn't wearing any pants.

我沒穿褲子。

They took away my passport, my cell phone, all of my money.

他們拿走了我的護照、手機和所有的錢。

They stuck me in a jail cell with other criminals.

他們把我和其他罪犯關在一起。

Don't you have anything to say?"

你沒有什麼要說的嗎？」

I said, "Dude, you said you wanted to be black."

我說：「老兄，你說你想成為黑人的啊。」