I'm like, "Dad, fine. If you think my life is so easy, why don't you go to some open-call auditions? And you understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job."

我說：「爸爸，好吧。如果你認為我的生活很輕鬆，為什麼不去參加一些公開試鏡呢？你就會知道這有多難，我每天在工作中都會面臨多少拒絕」。

He was like, "OK."

他就說：「好喔。」

And he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything.

他參加了所有這些試鏡，就得到所有機會。

It's a true story.

真實的故事。

He got on the show in China, in mainland China, called "Little Daddy," "Xiao Baba."

他在中國大陸上了一檔節目，叫《小爸爸》。

Half a billion people watch that show.

有 5 億人在看這個節目。

It's like the "Big Bang Theory" of China and Richard blew up.

就像中國版的《生活大爆炸》，理查就爆紅了。

And he was like, "This is easy. I don't know."

他說：「這很簡單呀。我也不知道。」

My plane completely backfired.

我的計劃造成反效果。

And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in L.A.

我在上海的姨媽看了節目，她打電話到洛杉磯的家裡，

And she's like, "Congratulations, Richard. You're such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act?"

她說：「恭喜你，理查，你真是個好演員。是你兒子教你怎麼演戲的嗎？ 」

And he's like, "No, no, I'm a natural."

他就說：「不，不，我是天生的。」

"Oh, that's very good, you and your son same business, you know? You two are very funny."

「哦，那很好。你和你兒子做一樣的職業。 你們兩個都很有趣。」

He's like, "No, no, Jimmy is not funny."

他說：「不，不，吉米一點都不好笑。」

I'm like, "Dad, that's bullshit, OK?

我說：「爸，你在說屁話，好嗎？

You got one good role. Good for you. I'm happy for you.

你得到一個好角色，你很棒，我為你感到高興。

But you're not a real actor yet.

但你還不是一個真正的演員。

Real actors, we got to cry, we gotta laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of the camera?"

真正的演員要會哭，要會笑。你知道如何在鏡頭前哭泣嗎？ 」

He was like, "Yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong."

他說：「會啊，我只要想想你的乒乓球打的有多爛就行了。」

Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents.

不用說，我是在自卑中長大的，因為我是由亞洲父母撫養長大的。

My dad is not even the worst.

我爸爸不是最糟的。

My mom's much worse.

我媽媽更糟糕。

Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?

你們和亞洲老太太出去玩過嗎？

Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what is wrong with your face, as if they try to do you a favor.

亞洲大媽都會告訴你，你的臉到底哪裡出了問題，好像她們是在幫你的忙。

I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, she's like, "Jimmy.

我去我媽家，她第一句話就說：「吉米，哎呦。

Why is your face so fat?

你的臉怎麼這麼胖？

Your clothes look homeless and your hair, it's gay."

你的衣服看起來像流浪漢，你的頭髮像個甲。」

Sometimes it's like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know?

有時我和媽媽出去會很丟臉，你知道嗎？

Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know?

因為亞洲人，我們有不同的習俗，你知道嗎？

Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn't buy shits she needs.

就像我媽媽一樣，當她去購物時，她不會買她需要的東西。

She just buy shits because it's a good deal.

她買東西是因為它很划算。

I one time brought a full-price shirt home, $20.

我有一次用原價 20 美元買一件襯衫回家。

And she was like, "Was it full price? No, it's a bad deal."

她說：「這是原價嗎？不，這不划算。」

I was like, "Mom, it's only 20 bucks."

我說：「媽媽，只要 20 塊錢。」

She's like, "Yes, $20, if you are stupid."

她說：「對，只要 20 塊，如果你是笨蛋的話。」

She goes to Ross and she freaks out because everything is a great deal.

她去 Ross 會發瘋，因為什麼都很划算。

She's like, "Jimmy, you should buy this. This is a good deal. This is a good deal."

她說：「吉米，你應該買這個，這個很划算。」

I'm like, "Mom, That's a double XL shirt, OK? And it says obey on it. I'm not gonna fucking wear that."

我說：「媽媽。那是一件2XL 襯衫。 好嗎？ 而且上面寫著『服從』我他媽才不會穿的。」

And she's like, "It's OK, 50% off. Someday it'll fit, OK?"

她說：「沒關係。打五折，總有一天會合適的，好嗎？」

If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right?

如果你想找到划算的東西，就跟著亞洲老人走，對嗎？

You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone is getting a great deal.

你去好市多，看到的都是亞洲老人，因為你知道，每個人都得到了好交易。

Nobody is getting ripped off.

沒有人剝削。

You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.

你去全食超市，我這輩子從沒在裡面見過一個亞洲老人。

We don't believe in that shit.

我們不相信才不吃這一套。