We refer to small talk as any chit-chat or just conversation that we don't put a lot of import on.

我們所說的閒聊是指任何我們並不看重的閒聊或談話。

When, in fact, small talk is a wonderful way of connecting, bonding, learning, growing.

事實上，閒聊是一種很好的溝通、結合、學習、成長的方式。

And what makes it so challenging is the fact that we can't have a script.

它之所以如此具有挑戰性，是因為我們不能有劇本。

We have to just go with what's happening in the moment.

我們必須順其自然。

We often think that it is a test for us.

我們常常認為這是對我們的考驗。

It's like a tennis match, where I've got to lob something over to the person or people I'm talking to, and I hope it lands and goes well.

這就像一場網球比賽，我必須向與我交談的一個或多個人投擲一些東西，我希望它落地並順利進行。

I think a better way to look at small talk is like that game of hacky sack--

我認為更好地看待閒聊的方法是就像玩麻袋遊戲一樣 ，

that little beanbag where everybody is trying to keep it up all at the same time and never have it hit the ground.

那個小豆包，每個人都在努力同時保持而且永遠不會落地。

If you envision your job as collaborating with others to keep the conversation moving rather than a hot potato tennis match, where I just need to get it back to the other person,

如果你將自己的工作設想為與他人合作，讓談話繼續進行，而不是一場燙手山芋的網球比賽，我只需要把它還給對方，

it can really change, one, how it flows, and two, the experience from your perspective.

其一，它能真正改變談話的方式、其二，從你的角度看經驗。

All of a sudden, it's something that's enjoyable rather than something that's scary.

突然間，它變成了一件令人愉快的事情而不是可怕的東西。

When you first get into a small talk situation, I think we need to establish appropriate goals.

當你第一次與人閒聊時，我認為我們需要制定適當的目標。

Rachel Greenwald, a matchmaker and an academic, has this wonderful saying.

雷切爾-格林沃爾德，一位媒人和學者有這樣一句妙語。

Your goal is to be interested, not interesting.

你的目標是感興趣，而不是有趣。

A lot of us go into these situations thinking that we need to be really fascinating, engaging, and interesting, when, in fact, we just need to be present and be interested in the conversation that's happening.

我們很多人都會遇到這種情況認為我們需要真正引人入勝、 吸引人、有趣，而事實上，我們只是需要在場並對正在發生的談話感興趣 。

It also helps reduce the anxiety many of us feel.

它還有助於減輕我們許多人的焦慮感。

We feel like we are being judged.

我們感覺自己正在被評判。

And the reality is you are being judged.

而現實是，你正在接受審判。

You can reduce the intensity of that spotlight we feel by putting your attention on the other.

你可以透過將注意力轉移到對方身上來減少我們感受到的聚光燈的強度。

Many of us have this desire as soon as something spontaneous happens and we have to respond to do it as quickly as possible.

當自發性發生的事情發生時，我們中的許多人都會有這種願望，我們必須盡快做出反應以做到這一點。

We have this sense that speed to respond in somehow is associated with competence.

我們認為，反應速度在某種程度上與能力有關。

But really, what reflects best on your competence is an appropriate response.

但實際上，最能反映你的能力的是適當的回應。

And appropriateness can take a little bit of time.

而適當性可能需要一點時間。

We have all said something we didn't mean to say because it wasn't clear, or it wasn't appropriate.

我們都說過一些本來不想說的話，因為不清楚，或不合適。

Pausing helps reduce that likelihood.

暫停有助於減少這種可能性。

So here are some things you can do to help slow yourself down.

所以你可以做一些事情來幫助自己放慢腳步。

Paraphrasing is wonderful. Why?

轉述是很棒的方式，為什麼？

Not just because you are repeating the gist of what somebody said to make sure you're clearly going to respond to what's asked or what's needed,

不僅僅是因為你重複某人所說的要點，以確保你清楚地回應所問的問題或所需要的，

but paraphrasing forces you to slow down and listen more carefully.

但轉述會迫使你放慢腳步並更仔細地傾聽。

Paraphrase isn't what a five-year-old does who parrots back what you've said.

轉述不是一個五歲孩子所做的事，他們會鸚鵡學舌地回應你所說的話。

It's a distillation of what the other person said.

轉述是提煉對方所說的內容。

And when you paraphrase it, you do several things.

當你轉述它時，你要做幾件事。

One, you validate the other person because you're saying I heard you.

第一，你肯定了對方，因為你說我我聽到了。

You're not necessarily agreeing.

你不一定同意。

Paraphrasing doesn't mean agreement. It just means this is what I heard.

轉述並不意味著同意，意思就是我聽到的就是這樣。

And it validates the content.

它還能驗證內容。

So you validate the person, but the content-- the person can say, "No, no, no, no. What I really meant was this."

所以你驗證了人，但內容--對方可以說：「不，不，不，不。 我真正的意思是這樣。」

So it helps with fidelity.

它有助於提高保真度。

Most of us listen just enough to get the gist of what somebody's saying, and then we immediately start judging, rehearsing, and responding.

我們大多數人只是傾聽足以了解別人所說的話的要點，然後我們立即開始判斷、排練和回應。

When I paraphrase, I have to listen super intently.

當我進行轉述時，我必須聽得非常認真。

I have to listen to understand what's the bottom line of what you're saying.

我必須傾聽才能理解你所說的重點是什麼。

That slows me down.

這讓我慢了下來。

And by slowing my own thoughts down and then paraphrasing them, I buy myself some time to really think.

把自己的想法放慢，然後進行轉述為自己爭取了一些時間來真正思考。

There's always something to say.

總是有話要說。

You can always ask a question.

你可以隨時提問。

My mother-in-law was amazing at small talk.

我的岳母很擅長閒聊。

She had a black belt in small talk.

她在閒聊方面可是黑帶高手。

And her superpower was a simple phrase.

而她的超能力就是一句簡單的話。

She would pause for a moment, and she would say, tell me more.

她會停頓片刻，然後說告訴我更多。

If you are ever in a situation, a communication, conversation where you don't know what to say,

如果你曾經遇到過這樣的情況，一次溝通，一次談話，你不知道該說什麼，

most of the time you could simply say, "Tell me more," or "Give me some more detail," or "What did you mean about that point?"

大多數時候你可以簡單地說，「告訴我更多」，或者「給我更多細節」，或者「你對這一點的意思是什麼？」

And just by giving the person an opportunity to speak again, that gives you time to find what you might want to say and to connect to it.

只需給對方一個再次發言的機會，讓你有時間找到你可能想要的東西，並與之聯繫起來。

Tell me more.

告訴我更多。

When you say, tell me more, you have to act inquisitively.

當你說「告訴我更多」時，必須表現得好奇。

If you just say, tell me more, it's not--but if you say tell me-- yeah.

如果你只是這種口氣說告訴我更多，但如果用這種口氣說，

Tell me more, you know.

告訴我更多。

Tell me more about that. Yeah.

跟我詳細說說。

Mistakes are normal and natural in communication.

在交流中出現錯誤是正常和自然的。

We make them all the time.

我們都會犯錯。

Spontaneous communication is about connection, not perfection.

自發交流是指聯繫，而不是完美。

You know, in film and TV, directors will ask their actors to have multiple takes.

要知道，在電影和電視中，導演會要求演員進行多次拍攝。

A take is just another shot at doing the same thing.

拍攝是做同樣事情的另一種嘗試。

So an actor might say something in one way very passionately, or they might say it in another way more--being more curious.

所以演員可能會以一種非常激情的方式說一些話，或者他們可能會用另一種方式說得更 -- 更加好奇。

Those are all different takes.

這些都是不同的看法。

So I'd like people to reframe a mistake as a missed take.

所以，我希望大家能把失誤重新定義為錯過的機會。

What you did wasn't wrong.

你做的並沒有錯。

There might be another way to do it, and we can try it again.

也許還有別的辦法，我們可以再試一次。

Many of us, when we feel very uncomfortable in spontaneous speaking situations, we go on too long.

我們許多人，當我們在自發性演講的情況下感到非常不舒服時，我們會說得太久。

We're discovering what we're thinking as we're thinking it.

我們在思考的過程中發現自己在想什麼。

So we just take people on the journey of our thought process as we're speaking, and we keep going on and on and on.

所以我們只是帶著人們踏上我們的思想之旅我們邊說邊走，一直走啊走啊走。

It's almost a defensive technique, where if I just throw out a lot of stuff, that maybe something will stick and people will think,

這幾乎是一種防禦技術，如果我扔掉很多東西，也許有些東西會黏住，人們會想，

oh, that person's smart or they know what they're talking about.

哦，那人很聰明，或者他們知道他們在說什麼。

Concision is almost always better in communication.

在交流中，簡潔幾乎總是更好的選擇。

My mother has this wonderful saying.

我母親有一句妙語。

I know she didn't create it, but it's "Tell me the time, don't build me the clock."

我知道這不是她創造的，但這句話是「告訴我時間，別給我造鐘。」

Many of us are clock-builders in these spontaneous speaking situations.

我們許多人都是這些自發發言鐘表製造者情況。

And we have to remind ourselves when we start speaking just tell the time.

當我們開始發言時，我們必須提醒自己，只要報時就好。

I know the irony that I'm talking about concision, and I was not concise in that answer.

我知道我說的簡潔是一種諷諷刺，我的回答並不簡潔。

One of the best ways to be concise and clear is to leverage structure.

簡潔明瞭的最佳方法之一就是利用結構。

Structure is not a listing of ideas.

結構不是想法的羅列。

It's not bullet points.

不是要點。

Structure is a logical connection of your points.

結構是各觀點之間的邏輯聯繫。

It's like a recipe or a map.

這就像食譜或地圖。

Now, this sounds ironic, right?

這聽起來很諷刺吧？

We're talking about being spontaneous, and here I am saying structure is the key to spontaneity.

我們說的是自發，而我卻在這裡說，結構是自發性的關鍵。

But we see this in our life in many other facets.

但在我們的生活中，我們還能從很多其他方面看到這一點。

If you enjoy jazz music, jazz music isn't just random playing.

如果你喜歡爵士樂，爵士樂並不是隨便玩玩。

Jazz music follows particular structures, chord progressions, connections of notes.

爵士樂遵循特定的結構、和弦進行、音符的連結。

So we can leverage structure to help our communication be tighter and clearer.

我們可以利用結構來幫助我們的溝通更緊湊、更清晰。

One of my favorite structures of all time, because it's so useful in so many different situations, is three simple questions.

這是我最喜歡的結構之一，因為它在許多不同情況下都非常有用，就是三個簡單的問題。

What?

什麼？

So what?

那又怎樣？

Now what?

現在怎麼辦？

The what is your idea, your product, your service, your belief.

什麼是你的想法、你的產品、你的服務、你的信念

The so what is why is it important to the person or people you're talking to?

那麼為什麼它對你正在交談的人很重要呢？

And then now what is what comes next.

接下來該怎麼辦？

Maybe I'm going to show you something, take your questions, set up another appointment.

也許我會給你看些東西，回答你的問題、再次預約。

When it comes to small talk, this is a magical tool.

在閒聊時，這是一個神奇的工具。

Imagine you're at a corporate mixer, and you're going in, and there are people in the company that you have not yet met.

想像一下，您在一家公司的混音器上，當您進去時，公司裡有些人您還沒見過。

So if I'm engaging you in conversation, I can say, "Hey, what brings you here?"

如果我和你交談，我可以說：「嘿，什麼風把你吹來了？」

That's the what.

那是第一點的什麼。

When you answer, I can say, "Oh, why is that important?" or "Why do you find that interesting?"

當你回答時，我可以說：「哦，為什麼重要？」或者「你為什麼覺得這很有趣？」

That's the so what.

這是第二點的那又怎樣？

And then after that, I can ask a question like, "Oh, so what more are you going to do?" or "What are you going to do next?' or "Do you want to join me and go over here?"

然後，我可以問這樣的問題：「哦，那麼你還打算做什麼？」或「你接下來要做什麼？」 或「你想和我一起去這裡嗎？」

So I've got the now what is a question.

所以我現在有一個問題。

As with anything that you're trying to learn, you have to practice it.

就像學習任何東西一樣，你必須去實踐。

When you read something or listen to a podcast, pause it, stop your reading, think what was it about, why is it important to me, and how can I use it?

當您閱讀某些內容或收聽播客時，暫停它，停止閱讀，思考它是關於什麼的，為什麼它對我很重要，以及我該如何使用它？

By drilling it, it becomes more natural.

通過專研，它變得更加自然。

When we're in small talk situations, we often initiate with trite, very common phrases.

當我們閒聊時，我們經常用一些老生常談的短語來開場白。

How are you?

你好嗎？

What brings you here?

什麼風把你吹來了？

What do you do?

你是做什麼的？

These are simple, reflexive ways to get started, but they actually don't take you very far.

這些都是簡單的，條件反射式的方法，以獲得開始，但實際上並不會持續多久。

I am a big fan of initiating through questions, but through questions that connect to the particular context and environment that I'm in.

我非常喜歡透過問題來提出問題，但問題要與我所處的特定背景和環境相關。

Just the other day, I was in a situation for small talk.

就在前幾天，我遇到了一個適合閒聊的場合。

And the very first thing I did, I came up to somebody I didn't know and I said, "This is amazing to me. There are more people in this room wearing blue shirts than I think I've seen in a long time."

我做的第一件事就是我對一個我不認識的人說：「這對我來說太不可思議了。這個房間裡穿藍色襯衫的人比我很久以來見過的還要多。」

And the person said, "You know what? You're right. That's really interesting."

那個人說：「你知道嗎？你說得對。 這真的很有趣。」

And all of a sudden the conversation was off and running.

突然間，談話開始運行。

All I did was notice something in the environment.

我只是注意到環境中的一些東西。

Initiating with something that piques somebody's curiosity, something that might be highlighting something that's not known or commonly discussed in the moment,

從激發某人好奇心的事物開始，可能會突出一些目前不為人所知或不常討論的事物，

can really invite people in versus hi, how are you and they say, fine.

真的可以邀請人們加入，而不是「嗨，你好嗎」，他們說「很好」，

Well, now I'm back to where I started, and it's even more awkward, right?

現在，我又回到了起點，那就更尷尬了，對吧？

Perhaps more challenging than initiating small talk is getting out of small talk.

也許比發起「閒聊」已經不再是「閒聊」了。

Many of us rely on biology.

我們許多人都依賴生物學。

Oh, I'm thirsty. I'm going to go get a drink.

哦，我渴了。我要去喝一杯。

I'm hungry, or I need to go to the bathroom.

我餓了，或者我想上廁所。

Biology is not necessarily the best exit for these circumstances.

生物學不一定是解決這些情況的最佳出路。

I love an approach I learned from Rachel Greenwald.

我喜歡從瑞秋-格林沃爾德那裡學到的一種方法。

It's called the white flag approach.

這就是所謂的白旗方法。

If you know anything about auto racing, prior to the last lap, the final lap, they wave a white flag to signal to all the drivers that the race is ending.

如果你對賽車有所了解，在最後一圈之前，最後一圈，他們會揮舞白旗，向所有車手發出比賽結束的信號。

As you're drawing near to the end of the conversation either because you need to leave, or you want to leave,

談話即將結束時要麼是因為你需要離開，要麼是因為你想離開，

or the conversation has sort of run its course, you signal that.

或者說，談話已經結束了，你要發出信號。

You say, "I need to go in a moment, but--" and this is where you ask one last question, provide one last bit of feedback.

你說：「我得馬上走，但是 --」這時候是你要問的最後一個問題，提供最後一點反饋。

So you continue the conversation on for a little bit.

所以，你們繼續聊一會兒。

So it might sound something like this.

所以這對話聽起來可能是這樣的

"I need to get going because there's some friends over there I need to meet. But before I go, I want to just a little bit more about that trip you were telling me about to Hawaii."

「我得走了，因為那邊有幾個朋友我需要見面。 但在我走之前，我想再多說一點你跟我說過的夏威夷之旅。」

And together, you can draw the conversation to an end rather than you abruptly saying, "Oh, I need to go to the bathroom."

你們可以一起結束對話而不是你突然說：「哦，我要上廁所。」

Or, "Wow, that looks like good food over there."

或者「哇，那邊的食物看起來不錯。」

It's just a much better, cleaner way to end a small talk conversation.

這是一個更好、更乾淨的方法結束閒聊。